Mary Graham

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the hardest thing I’ve ever written.

I’m going to tell you a story, and it will be somewhat vague and very much painful.  But I’ve been needing to do it for a while and today is finally the day.

It was two years ago today that I stumbled upon my husband sitting on the patio of a rented cabin in the Smokey Mountains doing drugs.

Who brings drugs on a family vacation?  My husband, apparently.

What’s funny is I can remember with more clarity that moment, that instant I stepped onto the porch, than I can remember either one of my children being born.  I can remember word for word the things we said to each other better than I can remember our wedding vows.  Because it was that moment, that specific moment, that I knew my life was never going to be the same.  My life forevermore would be broken down into two parts: before I realized I was married to an addict and after.

I’ve been living in the after for two years now.

And while those memories of July 16th, 2010 are seared into my brain like no other moment in my life, I don’t think about them every day like I thought I would.  I don’t make every decision around that moment.  I don’t hear whispers of he’s a drug addict every time I look at my husband anymore.

And that’s proof that God can work miracles because I was sure during that moment on the porch that I could never get past this.  That I could never forgive this betrayal.  That we were done.

And it got a lot worse before it got better.  The things I learned about my husband in the coming weeks made me literally ill.  I was more heartbroken than I thought was possible.

And God, who sometimes has a wicked sense of humor, wanted to remind me that my suffering was not the end of the world.  That there were so many things bigger than me.  And he reminded me by a positive pregnancy test a couple days after returning from vacation.  When Chris was no longer living at our house and I was making plans to end our marriage.

July 16, 2010: I discover my husband is, and has been for some time, a drug addict.
July 20, 2010: I find out I’m pregnant.

And I couldn’t even find the strength to be happy.

So it’s been two years.  If you’ve been a reader of my blog for any length of time, you’ll know that I’m still married.  I’m still in love with my husband.  And we seem to be pretty happy.

All those things are true.

But we weren’t for a long time.

I carried so much rage and hurt that sometimes it felt like I couldn’t breath.

There was a lot of work that had to be done.  And more work being done right now.

And sometimes there’s still hurt.

Every once in while, I am shocked all over again when I remember that I’m married to a drug addict.  A recovering drug addict.  A drug addict that has been clean for two years, but still an addict.

Because once you’re an addict, you’re always an addict.

We live in a new normal now.  One I never would have imagined, but it feels comfortable.
We’re better than we were before.  What I thought was good wasn’t good at all.  What I thought was happy really wasn’t.
And it took the most painful experience in my life for me to get the life I dreamed about.  The one I thought I had all along.  It just took a drug addiction, an almost-failed marriage, and an ill-timed baby for me to get it right.
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Comments

  1. Pamela says

    July 16, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    I am glad your new normal is a good and happy normal.

    Reply
  2. Alli says

    July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    An amazing post. I love the honesty and the feeling. I love that you’ve made it work…that doesn’t happen enough anymore. I’m glad you’re happy.

    Reply
  3. Lynne says

    July 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    I thank you for posting this. I don’t want this to become a contest between who is struggling the most – but I am dealing with some very complex issues as well, that I never ever thought would be on my plate. I have been praying for a sign, for peace of mind,to have my faith strengthened for SOMETHING, hello, up there (knock knock knock) are you listening?? : ) it was calming and nourishing for me to both read this post, and the quotes that you selected to go with it. Thanks – and know that you’ll be listed today in my Things I’m Thankful For prayer.

    Reply
  4. Lynne says

    July 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    Reply
    • mary @ trusty chucks says

      July 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

      Lynne, I’ll be praying for you too. Thanks for commenting. It’s comforting to know in the midst of a storm that you’re not the only one. Stay faithful.

      Reply
  5. Johanna says

    July 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Mary Graham, you are something. God bless your beautiful family and your courage. Something new for my unselfish prayers list. <3

    Reply
  6. Lloyd says

    July 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    http://www.dogmadoxa.blogspot.com/2012/07/depth-with-god.html

    Reply
  7. Becky Bee says

    July 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I’m so proud of both of you guys. You stuck it out, had faith, and were honest about your feelings. You let yourself be healed, you learned, you grew, and you became even stronger. I can’t wait to see what else God has in store for your sweet family. Have a wonderful rest of summer vacation!!!!

    Reply
    • mary @ trusty chucks says

      July 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

      thanks Becky!

      Reply
  8. Krystin Nicole says

    July 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    I’ve been lurking and reading your blog for a while now and I just wanted to commend you for your strength to even put these experiences in words, let alone deal with them successfully. You are a very strong woman, and an inspiration.

    Reply
    • mary @ trusty chucks says

      July 17, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      Thanks Krystin. Now that it’s out there, the response has been overwhelming and so positive. I’m glad I shared and I’m proud of who my husband is becoming. 🙂

      Reply
  9. hannah says

    July 17, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    Wow! Thank you for sharing. Every storm has a rainbow at the end 🙂

    Reply
  10. Mary @ This is How My Garden Grows says

    July 18, 2012 at 1:18 am

    What an amazing story of love and faithfulness! My husband had an affair and we made it through and it’s so hard to recover from the pain of realizing the person you love is not who you thought he was. Congrats on staying together and building a new normal. Xoxo

    Reply
  11. Kaity says

    April 19, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Holy moly- this post blew me away! So happy that God was able to carry you through the struggle and transform your heart. Addiction is no joke- major props to your hubby.

    Reply
  12. Mary Evelyn says

    June 13, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    I’m just now finding this post, almost a year after you wrote it. I don’t have words for what I feel as I read it. Last year I experienced a very different kind of “before and after” moment in my life, yet somehow the emotions are so similar. The feeling of betrayal (in my case, by my own body, my child’s body, and God) and the realization that what seems impossible is not.

    You are one strong lady and I have great respect for your ability and willingness to share this story. Thank you.

    Reply
  13. Tiffany says

    June 16, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    Thank you for sharing this. I, too, am married to an addict. I have never seen him drink or use but he is and always will be an addict. And addiction is powerful, it is cunning, and it is baffling. I will never fully understand it but I do to need to anymore. I love my husband and I am thankful for how much I have learned about myself through being a part of his journey. We are both better people, better spouses, better parents because of the work we put into staying healthy, grateful, and humble. Sending lots of love and strength to you.

    Reply
    • mary says

      June 20, 2014 at 9:12 pm

      Thanks, Tiffany. And kudos to you for your commitment. It is a cunning disease and so consuming, I love that you are still married and can see the positives through the struggle. That’s rare. Love and strength right back to you, sister.

      Reply

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