There was a large part of me that hesitated to share my story of accidental pregnancy and miscarriage with the world. It felt too easy, because not many people knew, to sweep it under the rug. To carry on and not share.
But then there was this very small part of me that wanted everyone to know.
And that’s the part that prevailed.
I struggled with admitting that I got pregnant–without trying–and didn’t want to be pregnant, because I have so many amazing people in my life that long for babies and don’t have them. I’m a part of a beautiful online community where I’ve read story after story of couples that struggle with infertility and are draining themselves and their resources to have a baby. And my heart hurts for them. With that in mind, I was afraid my words would add pain where no more was needed.
I wrestled (and still wrestle) with a lot of guilt for bad thoughts I had when I was trying to come to grips with being pregnant. The shock was literally overwhelming and I thought bad things, wished for bad things, and felt extremely sorry for myself. In my head I know that I did not cause my miscarriage by my bad thoughts. But my heart is having a pretty hard time coming to terms with that one.
I’m mad at my body for not being able to do what it’s supposed to. To create something that was so easy the first two times–why didn’t it work this time? Then I start thinking about wanting and longing for a baby and losing it–I can’t put in to words how that makes me feel. And what it makes me feel when I look at my daughters.
I have such a confusing mix of emotions that at times I’m not sure how I feel about no longer being pregnant. I mourn for the baby that was in my womb and now isn’t. But it doesn’t make me want to try for another one. This roller coaster ride has only confirmed in my head that two is good, that we are done having kids. The miscarriage did not flip some magical switch that shined light on my hidden dream of a bigger family. It actually did the opposite.
Yesterday’s post was written two days into my miscarriage. I was raw and exhausted. And it’s taken me two and a half weeks to write about it again. To begin to process and understand. But writing about it has been the only time I can cry, really cry, about what has happened. Sobbing, actually. Sobbing that hurts my body, makes everything clench up and, later, leaves me feeling sore and tired.
As a writer, I like to end things neat and tidy. Let my writing come full circle, not leave things unfinished and messy.
But right now I can’t do that, I don’t have answers, just lots of questions. I don’t have comfort yet, or peace. I don’t have lessons that I learned or good that has come from this heartache.
Right now, I just have mess.
I know answers and peace and lessons will come from this. I trust completely in my God to redeem this story. Redeem my mess.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.
-Ecclesiastes 3:11
But I’m not there yet. So bear with me while I just share the mess. Because, really, it’s all I have right now.
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And because I’m uncertain and listening so hard for Him right now, I decided to leave the radio on a Christian station the other morning as opposed to immediately changing it to NPR like I do every morning on my way to work (my husband had been in the car the night before). The next song was this one and I’ve been listening to it non-stop since it stopped me in my tracks that morning on my way to school. It’s my prayer and my cry right now.
You are so amazing. That is an absolutely beautiful song. I fell in love with it the first time I heard it. I will continue to pray for peace for you, my friend.
You are at the beginning stages of mourning and in time this will not feel as deeply painful.. it will never be peaceful, but will not be this overwhelming daily sadness. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Mourning is a process and the time frame is different for everyone… You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You should cry, you should have rage, you should have grief–no matter how you felt at first. You suffered a loss, don’t sweep it under the rug or try to move past it too quickly–feeling loss is what makes us value what we have. I am praying for peace and acceptance for you and your family. You are a wonderful Mommy!
hey lady. I’m new to your blog. Thank you for sharing this today. To be honest, this morning I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I miscarried for the 2nd time earlier this month. Today I would have been about 12 weeks. Your post today has given me some encouragement. Like you, I feel confused. But I know that God is bigger, greater, and his plans truly do work together for our good. Even though right now, we may be struggling to see that. Also, like you I struggled with writing about it, but chose to pretty quickly after the 2nd miscarriage. It has helped tremendously. Thanks for sharing your heart. ~brit
I completely understand everything you are going through. We have had 7 miscarriages over the years and they are all devastating. As the one carrying the baby it is so hard to not feel it’s your fault. That your body is betraying you. That the thoughts you have while being pregnant made an impact on the outcome. We had 3 after Lilly and they were all back to back. Terrible for my body but hell on my psyche. I went in to a terrible depression. When we found out that we were pregnant with Ronan I was so angry. I thought I would have to experience an unprecedented 8th miscarriage and if I didn’t that I didn’t WANT another baby. I had made piece with being a loving family of three. It just felt wrong to introduce another baby into our now perfect lives. It took until I heard his heartbeat and saw that everything was fine to start to change that outlook. However, if we had miscarried I know that I would have blamed myself yet again. Please don’t fall into that hole. It’s so hard to get out of. We will never know why we have miscarriages. Why some pregnancies go to term and some don’t. I do know that no matter what your thoughts or actions were nothing would have changed. It’s not the most comforting thought but perhaps it will keep you from falling down that dark hole. I’m here if you would like to talk. Unfortunately I have a lot of experience in this department. Time will heal and being with your beautiful family as well. Hugs!!~Becky
So sorry for the loss of your baby, Mary. I know it’s an older song, but maybe you can find some comfort in this (just to add to the soundtrack) ::hugs:: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=du0il6d-DAk