I feel a little shitty for bombarding you this week. I’ve had time–lots of time–to soak in what my December was like. And I didn’t share it with you until I was ready.
(that’s a lot of Old Navy in one outfit…skinnies: Old Navy, shirt: Old Navy, sweater: Old Navy, wedges: Target)
But for you, my reader, you got all my emotions in quick succession. You didn’t get a heads up and I kind of blindsided you. Sorry for that.
I feel like I need to explain the timing of those posts; when I wrote them and where I’m at now.
I blog weeks ahead of time. It just makes things easier for me and, sometimes, when weeks are busy and I don’t have much time to devote to my blog, it doesn’t show here. I plan and write 10-15 days ahead of time. Normally when you see an outfit, it’s actually been weeks since I wore it. Like the gray jeans above, I wore that outfit on January 11th–it was a jeans day Friday at school and I got new jeans for Christmas! (Sorry if that ruins something for you–it’s just the only way I can do this.) Other weeks when there’s time, I crank out post after post, writing (like most things in my life) is done in spurts. I can write five posts in one day if I’m in a groove. Then they get edited and tweaked and revised before they finally get posted (also, some times they get deleted if they’re not worth anything).
So when you read for a couple weeks at Christmas we were five, what I was going through was raw and unfiltered. I was still in the midst of a miscarriage–feelings were overwhelming me. I was “lucky” that this all happened over Christmas break and I didn’t have to be at school teaching kids during this period. I don’t think I could have done it.
Then two weeks later, I wrote jumbled up and messy: when nothing makes sense. I was no longer shocked about what had happened, but I was angry. I’m sure I could find the official steps to grieving somewhere and it’d help all this make sense, but I’m too lazy for that. I just wanted to cry and I couldn’t figure out how–until I started writing. Oh, there you are tears, thanks for stopping by.
It has been almost a month now (I’m writing this one just a few days before posting it–I felt that was important) and things are calm in my soul. I have some glimpses as to what God wants to teach me through this. And I’m turning them over in my little brain, processing and praying, questioning and, maybe, being a little arguementative.
But there is peace where there wasn’t in the last two post. There is calm where there wasn’t before. There is the start of understanding now. There is rest. I am not consumed with this as I once was.
Your words have been amazing since I shared on Monday–those have helped too. And sharing stories, I believe that helps us all. It is brave and scary and slightly nauseating. So thanks for sharing yours. They made my weird emotions seem okay and me feel less alone.
I’ll write more when I have something to say, I don’t want to dwell on this, but it’s my story and it’s important. This event, this season, is already shaping me in new ways. And I’ll share those too, when it’s time.
Thanks for reading.