letters from my heart.

(pants & blouse: Kohls, flats: Target)

Dear Harper,
Please stop letting us know you pooped by scooping it out of your diaper and bringing your stinky hand full of crap to us. There are better ways.

Dear Chris Graham,
One day, when we’re old and I snap and kill you, it will because you never learned to shut a closet door or cabinet. It will be the death of me. And of you, too.

Dear students,
No, I didn’t miss you over spring break. Stop asking me.

Dear kitchen,
We’ve been remodeling you since 2008. We’ve been so slow at it that I get new, better ideas (thanks to Pinterest) every six months and I really don’t think we’ll ever be done with you. Just giving you a heads up so you can get over being a work-in-progress. That is ALL you will ever be.

Dear spring,
Please stay. And then turn in to summer. Please.

Dear Blue,
If you don’t stop digging up my backyard looking for buried treasure, I will force you to wear a doggy diaper like all those little weirdos at doggy daycare and never let you go outside. So get your act together or I will humilate you. I am your mother and it is my job.

Dear Elliott Quinn,
There can only be one boss in this family and you’re not it.

Dear seventeen year old self,
That tramp stamp is going to be trashy one day. Hold off on it for a couple years and see if it’s still cool. It probably won’t be. Also, that belly button ring–that shit is going to be weird after a couple babies and some weight loss. Just stop it.

Dear Facebook friends,
You’re really killin’ it with all the “activism” lately. Profile pictures, scripture quotin’, and arguments…you’re really changing the world from the comfort of your office or couch. Idea though: if you really feel strongly about something, put your money where your mouth is. Invest time and money and resources for causes you feel strongly about–whatever they may be. Because no one has ever changed a mind, or a world for that matter, by a status update. Word.

Dear running,
I hate you, but love what you’re doing to my body. Keep up the great work.

Dear Target,
Stop bringing out more and more cute clothes. My bank account can’t handle it. And neither can my husband and I need him around to kill him later.

Love,
Mary

Comments

  1. says

    i wore an outfit like this the other day, for pictures, because i have no where fancy to go… like school ;)

    also, every time i look at that first picture i think you’re wearing blue shorts because of how the short fell… hahhaah, oh my.

  2. says

    i wore an outfit like this the other day, for pictures, because i have nowhere fancy to go… like school.

    also, every time i look at the first picture i think you’re wearing blue shorts because of how the shirt falls…. im glad you’re not! hahaha ;)

  3. says

    dear Mary,
    i sincerely hope you don’t kill your husband, since i’m scared of prisons, and don’t want to visit you in there. (actually, i was thinking a summer meet up?). also, after a period in a sentence, i was taught two spaces. by my typing teacher. in the 90′s. (now go laugh at my age, and tell me it’s okay to have two spaces after the end of a sentence, since i’m old school?). also? the poop thing is HILARIOUS. “Because no one has ever changed a mind, or a world for that matter with a status update. Word.” you, mah dear, are a word slayer. you have been officially knighted. or queened? whichever you choose. :)

    love,
    barbie

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