(pants & blouse: Kohls, flats: Target)
Please stop letting us know you pooped by scooping it out of your diaper and bringing your stinky hand full of crap to us. There are better ways.
Dear Chris Graham,
One day, when we’re old and I snap and kill you, it will because you never learned to shut a closet door or cabinet. It will be the death of me. And of you, too.
No, I didn’t miss you over spring break. Stop asking me.
We’ve been remodeling you since 2008. We’ve been so slow at it that I get new, better ideas (thanks to Pinterest) every six months and I really don’t think we’ll ever be done with you. Just giving you a heads up so you can get over being a work-in-progress. That is ALL you will ever be.
Please stay. And then turn in to summer. Please.
If you don’t stop digging up my backyard looking for buried treasure, I will force you to wear a doggy diaper like all those little weirdos at doggy daycare and never let you go outside. So get your act together or I will humilate you. I am your mother and it is my job.
Dear Elliott Quinn,
There can only be one boss in this family and you’re not it.
Dear seventeen year old self,
That tramp stamp is going to be trashy one day. Hold off on it for a couple years and see if it’s still cool. It probably won’t be. Also, that belly button ring–that shit is going to be weird after a couple babies and some weight loss. Just stop it.
Dear Facebook friends,
You’re really killin’ it with all the “activism” lately. Profile pictures, scripture quotin’, and arguments…you’re really changing the world from the comfort of your office or couch. Idea though: if you really feel strongly about something, put your money where your mouth is. Invest time and money and resources for causes you feel strongly about–whatever they may be. Because no one has ever changed a mind, or a world for that matter, by a status update. Word.
I hate you, but love what you’re doing to my body. Keep up the great work.
Stop bringing out more and more cute clothes. My bank account can’t handle it. And neither can my husband and I need him around to kill him later.