The bad news is I thought I was doing well. Which should have been the first sign: smugness before a fall. But I never remember that lesson so as I sat through a sermon on pray and prayer life, I was feeling good. I pray! I talk to God all the time! It’s probably more like an unending conversation than a start and finish, pretty casual and straight forward. I don’t need prayer help! I’m glad he’s preaching this sermon though, because I’m sure someone (shoots evil-eye darts at everyone I’m sitting with) needs work in this area.
It was good sermon and I felt like I should buy the recording for some friends, I was just sure they could benefit from this lesson that I half-listened to because I’m so godly that I didn’t have time for it.
Then that night I was praying with my girls before bed. Chris and I take turns putting the girls to bed and I was the “lucky” one that night. As I was praying with Ellie, suddenly I was really listening to myself and I realized I HAVE A HORRIBLE PRAYER LIFE.
No, really, I do. Even though I talk to God all the time, even though I have conversations with Him multiple times a day, it is so superficial. I spend a lot of time being thankful, thankful for this crazy-wonderful life He’s allowing me to have, thankful for my family, my husband, thankful for the roof over our heads, the food in our bellies, thankful that I was able to hit the brakes fast enough and not hit that moron. You know, just thankful. I have a very thankful heart.
I’m also good about praying for big stuff: friends that are struggling with infertility, lost jobs, and failing marriages. I’m all over praying for random heart-wrenching stories I see in the news and for students that share their hurt in their writing. But the every-day-run-of-the-mill things? Absolutely not.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:12-13
And for a while, I didn’t think that was a big deal (see the first paragraph for details). But in that moment as I’m praying with my five year old about her day and her anxieties about school, I realized that I don’t do that. Ever. I never share the day-to-day struggles, anxieties, and worries. You know why?
Because I think I’m in control and I can handle those.
Angry parent at school? I got this. Worried about money? I have solutions. Car problems? I know a guy. Relationship struggles? They’ll work out, they always do.
I’m a type-A personality to a fault: I can rock a to-do list with the best of them, organize any mess in under an hour, and plan a killer party in less than a day. I thrive on solving problems and finding creative solutions. I like a challenge. But God tells me again and again that He wants to help me with those, so they don’t worry me into a stomach ache, a bad attitude, or a fight with someone else (which they sometimes do). He wants to lessen my burdens and worries. And I’m not letting Him because that’s giving up control.
Yes, control I really don’t have, but control nonetheless.
Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I. -Isaiah 58:9
I serve and worship a God that wants to know me intimately. He wants to take care of me and love me better than any earthly thing can. (Side note: “take care of me” is not the same as “give me everything I want” just so we’re clear…) I spend a lot of time avoiding that, thinking I can do it better myself, thinking I’m pretty smart and resourceful. And then I get knocked down hard and I come crawling back to Him and He welcomes me with open arms and comforts me like no one else can.
I long to be constant in my prayer life. I long to go deeper in my relationship with Him, to be more real. He knows me anyway, but He asks that I willingly share with Him. So that’s my prayer right now, that I can make it a habit to go to Him in all things, not just the thankfulness and “big stuff.” Because I’m His daughter and to Him, it’s all big stuff.
Great follow up piece. It is amazing how much our children teach us and humble us.
Thanks, Jen. That was a lot of pressure! 😉
Always love learning from you, sweet & honest Mary.
Barbie, love you. 🙂
Above anything else, Mary, I think that reading your scribbles, rants, and deep thoughts help us all to realize that we are not alone. Not alone among one another. And not “alone” when we know that He is always and will ALWAYS be there with us. Another fine read.
I think that’s the point, really. And without even thinking about it. To know we’re not alone makes everything more bearable, huh?
A friend of mine just sent me the link to your “my husband is not my soul mate” post and I am now totally blog stalking you. And I have COMPLETE blog envy right now. I should probably pray about that…wink, wink.
I just really and truly rediscovered my spiritual life after 2013 quite violently kicked my butt. I’ve learned that being spiritual and having a close relationship with God is not just a daily practice, but really an HOURLY practice. I recently read a lesson in Gabrielle Bernstein’s new book, Miracles Now, about how to “surrender it all.” Not just the big hopes, dreams and desires…but literally everything. The lesson encourages you to pray about every single situation you encounter during the day. Before you walk in the office in the morning, pray for all of your co-workers to have a productive and enjoyable day. As you walk into spin class at the gym, pray for everyone to have a safe and fun workout. Before I walk in the door at home, pray that I don’t just sit on the couch and watch TV all night! And so on. At first this seemed rather tedious (or it did to me!) and I can’t say I always remember to do it, but it’s helping me keep a spiritual perspective 24/7 and not just when (like you mention) it’s time to get up or go to bed, I see something horrific on TV or hear bad/good news from a friend. It’s like a proactive approach to prayer and blessings. I’m also reading the Seven Habits, so being proactive = good habit.
Thanks for reading, Nikki! And you should definitely work on the blog envy thing…not that I’ve EVER struggled with that, of course. ehhh.
That book sounds like something I need to read! I’m adding it to my list. It does seem tedious, but relearning how to think about prayer probably changes your life for the better too. And anything good takes work (blah, work…). I’m glad you’ve found your faith again. I think all of God’s best stories have a chapter or two on us rebelling, it just makes everything else so much sweeter. 🙂
Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. You nailed it. LOVE this post & LOVE your heart. I, too, struggle with this. Thank you for, once again, being refreshingly honest.
Tricia: move to Indy. ASAP.
As Nikki said above, I came to your blog from the Husband Soul-Mate story and found this piece as I was exploring your {awesome!!} blog. BAM! This is me to a T. It is refreshing to read that I am not alone. How are things going for you with all of this? I am exactly the same – I got this, everything is under control {mine, I mean God’s, shh I mean mine} and I find myself a little lost and internally sad because I know that I am neglecting someONE much more important. I struggle with taking daily quiet time {struggle as in never currently}, and I pray the same way “Thank you for (fill in the blank)”. Although my daughter is only 14 months old, these are the prayers that I am teaching her?? Not so good. I know that it is an individual journey to find that place where we finally let go of the control, but any tips that you have found?
Tips?? Ahhh, I don’t know! I’m still trying to figure it out…asking for help and being vulnerable in my prayer time is starting to change somethings already though. Telling Him I don’t know how to do it and asking for guidance is weird for me, but necessary at this point. I also like to read books for ideas, and Nikki above mentioned “Miracles Now” by Gabrielle Bernstein that I’ve got on my list to read. But I’m currently on a book-buying freeze because I horde books like it’s my job. So that’s probably not too helpful, but I think being a work-in-progress is part of the Christian gig too. So embrace it and keep asking for help!
Love your honesty and simplicity. ?