“If you think the sex is great now, just give it about ten or fifteen years. It’s going to blow your mind!”
My first thought upon hearing that? Gag me. Nobody wants to hear the minister that married you and your husband talk about sex. It is really hard to maintain eye contact through a conversation like that.
Luckily, it didn’t last much longer, probably due to my squirming and my husband Chris spontaneously breaking out in a cold sweat. It was weird talking to a minister, specifically your minister, about sex. We were newlyweds and figuring things out just fine, thankyouverymuch.
But what he said stuck with me. And not just because it made me giggle uncomfortably, but because I wanted to know more. There was a part of me that thought it couldn’t get any better than it was now and a part of me that wanted to know–right away–what it was going to be like later.
Patience is not a virtue I possess.
Now, almost eight years later, I’m starting to get it and I want to share this incredible news, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you: Guys, the sex gets better, much better.
And a lot of it has to do with things outside the bedroom.
When we were young frisky newlyweds, there wasn’t really any constraints to being intimate. There were no kids, no super-busy work schedules, no dog hogging the bed, no worry about missing sleep, and nowhere else to be. We were carefree and full of energy.
Now things are different. We’ve spent nights in the hospital with sick babies. We’ve worried about money and broken furnaces and jobs. We’ve cried and celebrated, fought and laughed. Chris has seen me at my worst and chosen to love me anyway. And I’ve seen his mess and not given up on him. Those things come to bed with us now. They bond us together in a way we couldn’t have imagined all those years ago. We’ve got wounds that have healed and changed our landscape, making us better and different. This unspoken history that brings new tenderness, love, grace, and feeling, those things change your sex life. We have to make an effort now, make it a priority, to be together as husband and wife. And that seems to make it that much sweeter, that much better.
Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do…Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has give you under the sun…
Ecclesiastes 9:7 & 9
I’ve never been one to lack words, but I can’t explain it. The coziness and realness bring a whole other level, a new dimension of intimacy that isn’t there when you’re just starting out and getting to know each other. There’s something comfortable and safe after years of marriage. It’s become an almost-tangible way to experience God’s blessing on your relationship.
Not that newlywed sex is bad. Those first few months when everything is new and rushed and fun are to be cherished. I’ll never forget those moments, they were the beginning of our life together and we were learning so much about each other both inside and outside the bedroom.
But this new phase, this phase where we’ve been doing our thing for a while and we know each other so well, this part is shaking things up in exciting ways. It’s nothing that can be created quickly or you can take shortcuts to reach. You’ve just got to be married for a while, for years, and continually ask God to bless your marriage and your sex life. Which is a weird prayer request, but I think a good one too. This whole sex-thing is His creation so thanking Him for His creativity and asking Him to help make your bedroom time a little spicier is a fun prayer request. (And try praying about that with a straight face, I dare you.)
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is something the world tells us is boring and unrealistic. We live in a world where sex can be with strangers, with friends, or with each other’s spouses. Being content and happy with your spouse for the rest of your life takes work, faith, and a lot of grace. But when we honor God with our commitments and the promise we made in front of Him and a group of our closest friends and family, He does big things.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Proverbs 5:18
It’s not always rip-your-clothes-off excitement (although every once in a while when you sneak down to the basement while your kids are upstairs, it is quite thrilling…) like it was in the beginning, but it’s not old and tired either. It’s familiar and worn and comfortable. It’s a new phase that God wants you to enjoy.
I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.
Song of Songs 7:10
Whatever marriage season you’re in, newlywed, long-time married, or somewhere in between, know that God wants you to have awesome sex with your spouse, He wants to bless you in so many ways through it, and He wants you to enjoy this gift He’s created for you. And I know you won’t believe it, but I think there are better things ahead. Trust me on this one.
“We’ve got wounds that have healed and changed our landscape, making us better and different.” Nicely said, Mary.
🙂 Thanks, Marjorie. Very true, huh?
I told my grandmother how you helped. She said, “bake them a cake!”