Mary Graham

Trusty Chucks Blog

considering others

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I was in no mood to help anyone.

Chris and I had been separated for less than a week, and I was in a pretty good funk. I had every reason to be sad and depressed, but my friend who knew better than to let me isolate, called and asked me to come support hurting kids.

Some kids were dead, a school was hurting, and I knew the students who were mourning. Could I come and talk to kids if they needed someone?

Sure.

I’m glad I went. I didn’t do anything amazing, just showed up where kids were hurting and made myself available if they needed me. Some kids smiled at me from across the room, content to know I was there and I loved them. Others came up to say hi and just chat about the school year. Sometimes you don’t have to talk about the pain to take care of the pain.

When things are bad, when things feel too heavy and painful, it’s easy to disconnect from people. The excuses, the energy, the embarrassment–whatever the emotion, we can find justification to stay away.

But what I’ve learned through experience (experience I’ve fought against tooth and nail) is when my tendency is to isolate, I should be doing the exact opposite. When everything in my nature says
stay home
I need a break
I’m too tired
too broken
too needy
I have nothing left to give
It’s more of a tool of the devil to isolate me instead of a restful escape from the world for a minute.

As an introvert, I can claim the need for a break often. But isolation can also be a great way to mask struggles or depression.

Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” In the Greek, “consider” means to thoroughly consider something; to think through from the top to the bottom; to think hard about something; or to deeply ponder a matter. When we consider someone in that manner, we are so concerned with another’s welfare we are moved to action.

When I’m working hard to stay away and throw myself a pity party, I have friends who consider me in prayer, in conversation, in text messages, and refuse to allow me to become easy prey for the devil’s lies and tricks. (The devil loves a disconnected, isolated Jesus follower.)

I only know about these mythical encouraging people, because I’ve been the recipient of their goodness. God has used people from all parts of my life to shake me out of my stupor and refocus my attention on someone other than myself.

Here’s what I’m working on right now: I want to be that for others; I want to know when God puts someone on my heart or brings them up during my quiet time, it’s not just my mind wandering. I want to realize God is prompting me, and I need to act on it.

There was a week last fall where I was pretty low. A family member’s cancer diagnosis and a rough end to an unhealthy friendship had knocked me down pretty hard. I was sad, and I couldn’t see my way out of it right away.

In the midst of this hard week, I learned of a suicide at our church, a high school kid who had taken his own life. Suddenly my sadness didn’t feel so important as I showed up to a night of worship and support for hurting kids.

My friend didn’t know I was struggling through that week–she didn’t know what was happening in my life or in my heart–but she felt prompted to ask me to come support kids, and even though I felt like I couldn’t support myself, I went because I knew I should.

I might have cried more that night than the kids who lost their friend. But I knew staying home and focusing on myself was the opposite of what I was supposed to do. A friend had considered me, I knew it wasn’t by happenstance, and I obediently showed up.

When we take time to consider others, we often gain perspective on our own hurting. It is easy to pay lots of attention to my pain because I have a front row seat to the sadness. But when we consider others in light of whatever we’re stuck in, our attention gets turned outward which is always better for us and those around us.

In isolation, my problems are worse than everyone else’s.
In isolation, I cannot see past myself to the pain of others.

But when we consider others, when we look for ways to think hard or deeply ponder someone beside ourselves, we are often moved to action. We become less self-focused and more others-focused.

It’s an odd thing to say when we consider others, we reap benefits too, but it’s true. It’s like God is saying, Carry others and I’ll carry you.

Then we all become a little lighter.

how to find a therapist

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At the beginning of the year I shared five resolutions I thought others should make in 2019. I have no authority. I have no credentials. I just own a website and like to write demands on it. Who knows if anyone actually listens. But honestly, that has never stopped me before.

One post that generated a lot of questions was my get-a-therapist recommendation:
How do you find a counselor?
How do I know if my therapist is good?
What if I can’t afford therapy?
Where do I even start if I want to find a counselor?

Good questions.

I don’t know. Good luck, I guess?

I kid, I kid.

It’s really easy to write a blog post about how everyone needs a therapist this year while not addressing the financial strain, the stress of finding someone you feel safe with, and the time it takes.

Many people know they need therapy and would love to go to therapy but can’t afford it. I don’t have time to disparage all the ways our healthcare system is letting us down in terms of mental health, but I think we can all agree many of our most vulnerable and needy citizens don’t get the care they desperately need. We need to do better.

If you need/want counseling and resources are tight, I’d start by calling local churches and community centers. Many churches have access to low-cost counseling services or can recommend places that do. You do not have to be a member of these churches to ask for help (and if you call a church who only wants to help you if you’re on the membership list, hang up and call a different one; also don’t go to that church.).

When Chris left his treatment center, he spent some time counseling with an addictions counselor at a community center downtown. The setting wasn’t traditional and sometimes there was a crisis he had to attend to so he cancelled at the last moment, but it was worth it to us because Chris was getting help he needed and we were still able to buy groceries.

Yes, there are therapists who charge $100 to $150 an hour, but there are others who don’t. It will take some work, some perseverance, and some trial-and-error, but asking for referrals and about reduced rates is where you start.

Also, find a intern! It’s like getting two counselors for the price of one and with a discount. Sure, interns don’t have years of experience yet, but they’re still trained and beneficial. Plus, they’re monitored by someone with the experience so if money is a concern, this is an accessible way to still get the counseling you need on a tight budget.

I know I got lucky when I called my church asking for help and was referred to my therapist. It’s common to have introductory appointments with a handful of therapists to see if you have chemistry. You don’t like every person you meet, why would you like every therapist? (Wait, do you like every person you meet? Seriously, you need a counselor, that’s weird.)

This seems like silly advice, but if you have insurance, please call and double check your mental health services. You might be surprised at what they cover, and, again, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Our insurance doesn’t cover counseling, and some counselors don’t accept insurance, but asking all the questions anyway is worth it. Asking about a counselor’s insurance rate and their cash rate is okay too.

Not everyone will feel comfortable doing this, but asking your people for references is a good way to find a counselor. When I was looking for a marriage counselor, I asked a few friends I knew had been to counseling before or were connected to the counseling community. I’m all for getting past the stigma and shame associated with saying you need help and what better way to do that than announcing it on a Facebook post?

That’s extreme. Maybe don’t do that. Or do. I don’t know what you’re about. But seriously, asking people in your circle is bound to point you in the right direction.

Asking your physician is a good idea too. Doctors make referrals all the time, and some offices keep a list of mental health professionals to recommend when asked.

So basically my answer is speak up.

I realize that’s hard to do when you’re struggling, but if you can only do one brave thing this month or even this year, let this be it. Ask for some help and see where it leads.

If all else fails, just Google.

I mean, the internet holds all the answers, right?

Welcome back seasonal sadness, my old friend.

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It’s here.

The point in the winter season where everything turns a little gray and sad. I’m not talking about nature though. I’m talking about me; I’m talking about my mental health.

I first noticed the struggle to get through winter in 2014. I was having trouble getting dressed in the mornings for work, finding my way to the gym after school, and lacking all motivation to make dinner or take care of my family. I don’t think (and still don’t) think it was full-on depression, but I referred to it as being ‘seasonally sad.’

I’m seasonally sad again.

But what’s different this time is I’m equipped to deal with it, I knew it was coming, and I know I just have to ride it out. I know this isn’t permanent. One perk of getting emotionally healthier is I have the ability to see my current state or emotion, acknowledge the hard or painful parts of it, and know it will not last forever. It is a season, a week, a moment, a time.

It is not forever.

Last winter when I felt the sadness coming, I asked my therapist for help. She explained seasonal affective disorder or seasonal depression is a real thing and not uncommon. Once she gave me the name, I consulted my doctor (AKA: the internet) to learn that seasonal affective disorder is also known as SAD which is totally cruel and a really funny joke. It normally sets in during early adulthood and some scientists believe it’s related to hormone changes and/or lack of sunlight in the winter. Of course, it’s more common in women than men because why wouldn’t it be? (source)

We had a mild November and December so in the back of my head I was slightly hopeful it wouldn’t hit me so hard this year–THE SUN WAS HERE JUST RECENTLY. I’LL BE FINE.

Another cruel and funny joke, because it is most definitely here.

Last night I was asleep by 9 PM and had trouble getting up to my 6 AM alarm. I got nine hours of sleep, wasn’t tired anymore, but couldn’t get out of bed.

Seasonal affective disorder coming in hot, friends.

But I know how to handle it now. I know how to not let it take me down completely. I know to be patient with myself as I wade through this yuckiness and wait eagerly for spring. (Plot twist: I don’t hate winter. I like snow. I like wearing layers and wool socks. I like watching my kids sled in fluffy snowsuits and chug hot chocolate overflowing with marshmallows afterwards. So it’s hard to wish away a season I enjoy.)

Even though I was hopeful in December I might not get seasonal sadness this year, I prepared for it anyway. I am an odd mix of overly optimistic and very practical.

Here’s what I’ve learned to do (with the help of my therapist, reading, and trucking through this season for a while now):

Take my vitamins
My therapist recommended I start taking vitamin D and vitamin B6 daily. I don’t do this in the other seasons regularly, but as December winds down and I see the long, boring parts of winter approaching (January through March), I start my morning vitamin routine.

Move my body
Purposefully getting out of my desk chair and stretching or taking a walk is important. When I transitioned out of the traditional classroom four years ago, I stopped moving all day. Teaching means you’re on your feet all day, and it helped to combat some fuzzy feelings. Now I’m sitting at a desk staring at a computer for hours on end and, if I don’t get up and move, the funk settles faster.

Refuse to skip my morning quiet time
I don’t buy into the idea you can get out of depression or serious mental illnesses with just some good Bible reading, but spending time in my Bible as part of my plan of attack is important. Beginning my morning with Truth and talking to my God helps clear cobwebs or lies that might have settled in during the last 24 hours. This is my touchstone, my re-calibration, and if I miss it, I know things will feel more off during the day.

Find the sunlight
I fling open all the curtains in our house as soon as the girls get on the bus. I don’t even care if the sun won’t be peeking through the clouds today, our blinds are open, and I’m letting in as much natural light as possible. I know I’m emotionally impacted by the state of my house so clutter or dark rooms add to my blah-ness. I straighten and let light stream in to help shake off the sadness and yuck. (Some people do well with a light therapy lamp during this season as well; I don’t have one and haven’t used one, but I’m keeping the idea in the back of my mind as the winter progresses. If things get too rough, I’ll be ordering a small one for my desk.)

Talk to someone
Every time I start to wonder if I should take a break from therapy, I find new and exciting things I need help handling. Cool. At this point, I am acknowledging I will be in therapy–in some way or another–for the long term. Right now I go once a month as a health check-in. If I need to, I can up my appointments. Maybe you don’t need a therapy appointment, but don’t keep this sadness to yourself. Tell your spouse or a friend things just feel off and sad right now. If it feels right, seeking a therapist or counselor is okay. When my therapist helped me understand what was happening and ways to cope with my SAD, I felt more in control. It didn’t make it go away, but it made it feel manageable and more settled (even if that feels weird to say).

Drink more water
My tendency is more coffee and Diet Pepsi when I’m tired or need energy and right now I need all the energy I can get, because I’m feeling so blah and apathetic. The problem is that’s not what my brain or body needs to work its best. I know everything feels fuzzier if I’m not drinking enough water. So sticking to my daily water routine is imperative right now. No excuses, drink the water, Mary.

As Indianapolis gets ready for a foot or more of snow this weekend, I’m gathering my supplies: books, snacks, a list of Netflix shows to binge, freshly-laundered blankets to snuggle under with my girls . But I’m also paying attention to my mental health, reminding myself to drink water, take my vitamins, say out loud when I’m struggling, and find the light when possible.

DISCLOSURE: affiliated links used.

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Resolution: Drink more water + rest

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I’m ending the week of resolutions with the easiest one. Well, at least the easiest one to write about.

A few year ago, I decided I’d buy myself a fancy water cup and try to drink more water. This wasn’t the first time I’d committed to drinking more water, but it was the time it that finally stuck.

What worked best for me was doing it at very specific times whether I was thirsty or not. I’ll be honest and say I don’t get thirsty much. If I waited until I was thirsty, I’d never drink water. I’d just have lots of coffee in the morning and some Diet Pepsi with dinner.

But I don’t want to be that person. I want to drink water, because I know if makes my skin and face look better. I want to drink water, because I know it helps my insides work better. I want to drink water, because I enjoy going to the restroom every 45 minutes.

Here’s my water routine:
1. In the morning FIRST THING, I chug a large cup of water. If I do anything else, I will not drink my water, so I get up, use the restroom, come downstairs, and drink 30 ounces of water. I don’t look at my phone, I don’t talk to anyone, I just drink water. (When I was driving to school every day, I’d chug the cup of water on the drive in.)
2. As I get ready for the day, I fill the cup again. Between now (6 AM) and the end of my work day (3 PM), I have to drink that cup of water. If I get distracted or drink pop instead, I’ll drink it on the way home.
3. When I get home, I fill it again. By bedtime I need to empty it one last time.

So by the end of the day, I’ve had about 90 oz. of water. Even if I miss some of that, that’s still a lot of water. Some days, especially on the weekends where I’m less routine, I’ll drink two cups instead of three. I try not to leave too much to the end of the day because getting up in the middle of the night to pee is the worst.

Those bags you get under your eyes? I get those less (even when I’m lacking sleep) if I’m drinking enough water. Those wrinkles around your eyes when you smile? They get less noticeable when I drink water.

Is my water habit totally vain? Maybe. But drinking more water in 2019 is an easy resolution to make. If you’ve made tons of goals, and you already feel yourself slipping, commit to the water one, it will make you feel successful without too much hard work.

Here’s the one that is hardest for me: Rest.

My brain doesn’t stop and if I don’t do something about all the ideas and thoughts I have swirling around my head, it makes me feel crazy.

But what also makes me feel crazy is not resting.

About five years ago, we started treating Sundays as our day of rest, and it changed our attitudes and our week. It was slow and quiet and what our busy lives needed. Last year, our church dropped the Saturday services we were in love with in exchange for one Sunday evening service. At first, it was annoying, but we transitioned to Sunday evenings pretty easily and still use Sundays for rest until it’s time to leave at 4:00. Chris uses it to sleep in, his one day he doesn’t have to get up to an alarm. I use it to sit on the couch with a books and dogs and coffee. The girls use it to play and argue with each other.

I have to make a conscious effort to not get off the couch on Sunday morning. That’s weird to type, but sitting still is not my favorite past time. It goes against my nature to stay on the couch Sunday mornings.

I’ve also learned I can’t just rest on Sunday mornings. It’s not enough for me; I get grouchy, snippy, and overwhelmed when I’m only resting for a few hours once a week. So for me, rest looks like getting into bed early a few nights a week. If I need sleep, I’ll find it fast. If I need quiet time, I’ll read a book. If I need conversation, I’ll talk with Chris.

I look at my calendar for the week, figure out what nights we don’t have to be anywhere, and actively anticipate those early-to-bed nights.

This is part introversion and part good rest practice.

I learned through my late twenties and early thirties that running all the time, working all the time, creating and caring for others all the time, made me hate my life. I was keeping all these balls in the air and why? I wasn’t enjoying any of it.

So I stopped.

Yes, I still have to do things I don’t like to do (hello, adulthood). Yes, I still have to work and care for others and wash dishes, but I don’t have to do it all non-stop. I can schedule rest on my calendar just like I schedule meetings and therapy.

It’s just as important as anything else on my agenda, so I make it a priority. I commit to rest then I don’t skip it.

And if you want to drink water while you rest, you’re going to win 2019. I GUARANTEE IT.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.


Resolution: Study the Enneagram

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And all the white girls cheered.

I know, I know, it’s overdone and annoying and can someone please tell everyone to stop talking about the Enneagram? Especially people who skimmed one book or listened to a couple podcasts and now they know why everyone does everything, and what number you are, and will FOR SURE make sure you know it.

GAG.

Please stop using the Enneagram this way. Please stop using the Enneagram to correct other people’s behavior. Please stop using the Enneagram as a weapon to justify your actions. Please stop using the Enneagram to hurt or control others.

But why would I suggest studying the Enneagram then? Because it’s really good and powerful if used correctly. Here’s how you use the Enneagram correctly (not according to Mary Graham, but according to Enneagram coaches and experts and people who have been studying for decades): You use it as a self-reflective tool to become a better human and more like the person God created you to be.

That’s it. You use the Enneagram to get yourself healthier.

And if others want to do that too, GREAT. But you’re not in charge of anyone else, their Enneagram journey or otherwise. So stop worrying about everyone else and the Enneagram, and start paying attention to what it means for you and only you. Because you can become healthier whether you know your boyfriend’s number or not. Because you can become safer whether you know your mom’s number or not. And you can change your relationships whether anyone else can even pronounce Enneagram.

That’s why you should study the Enneagram this year: to be healthier, to be safer, to change your relationships.

The Enneagram identifies nine ways in which we suffer/suffered from not being loved and how that shapes our personalities. We can all acknowledge that sin and suffering exist (because we live in Fallen Eden), so the logical jump would be to figure out how we’ve missed something God created us to have and begin to heal the holes. Will the Enneagram (or anything else) completely heal us this side of heaven? No way. The Enneagram is not an end-all-be all; it’s just another tool in our toolbox to hopefully lead us back to the God-reflecting self we were created to be.

I’m not going to lie, it is always more fun when you have someone to talk to about the Enneagram. But it’s not necessary for growth or reflection. When I first started learning about the it, I was grasping at straws, trying to save a dead marriage. Reading the Enneagram Eight chapter in The Road Back to You felt like coming home. Suddenly I had someone pointing out my communication style, my tendencies to control when I feel unsafe, and my feelings of always being misunderstood, and telling me they weren’t bad–they were just different than most people’s. Learning about the Enneagram helped me understand other’s perspectives and have more grace and mercy for people. Not because I could meet someone and guess their number, but because I could finally understand they interacted in the world differently and there was nothing wrong with that.

For some people that sounds like common knowledge and DUH, MARY, but for me that was shocking. My brain has a tendency to see things in black and white and verrrrry rationally. I am drawn to fairness, justice, and protecting the helpless. I don’t see gray well, and lying infuriates me.

Studying the Enneagram has helped me to fight fairer with my husband. Notice I didn’t say not fight with my husband, but to fight on more equal ground, to not take advantage of my strengths and his weaknesses when we’re not getting along.

Studying the Enneagram has helped me resolve conflicts better. I know my point of view isn’t always the same as the other persons so learning about the other types made me more aware of how disagreements can just be based in motivation or scars or safety and less about being right and wrong.

Studying the Enneagram has helped me be kinder to myself. The world is not gentle or accommodating to female Eights. Seeing past interactions and struggles with this knowledge helps me forgive myself for some mistakes and also helps me forgive others.

Studying the Enneagram has made me a better parent. I’m aware of my reactions, good or bad, to situations and people more now which has led to more thoughtful and careful interactions with my girls. I do not think either one of them is an Eight so my communication style could hurt them in ways I don’t intend. Eights are not normally very affectionate, but I have two little girls who crave cuddles with their mom and hugs and kisses often. This isn’t a preferred way for me to show love, so I have to make a conscious effort to speak their language and not just mine.

Studying the Enneagram has made me a better friend. While we don’t try to type others, I have friends who are also interested in the Enneagram so we get to have helpful conversations about their types and how we engage with each other. I think my podcast co-host Jess and are having such a good time working and podcasting together because the Enneagram helps us see each other’s strengths and weaknesses with compassion. We are very different, but work together well.

The Enneagram (with a good helping of counseling) has–not exaggerating–turned my relationships upside down. My marriage is better because of the reflection and growth the Enneagram initiated. My friendships are more authentic and more well-balanced because of the perspective the Enneagram gave me. My writing is better because I’m more able to step out of my point of view and see the world from another side due to the Enneagram.

Chris Heuertz says the Enneagram is a “tool for self-remembering.” Getting us back to the beginning of ourselves, back to what God created for good, before the broken world got its hands on us.

If we want to change our lives, we always start with ourselves, and I think a good place to start would be with the Enneagram.


Want to get started but don’t know where to begin? Here are some resources that might be helpful:
-I think the most accessible introduction is The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
-We did two episodes on the Enneagram on the Not Terrible podcast (episodes 24 & 25)
–Enneagram test a coach I know recommends (cost: $10)
–The Sacred Enneagram by Christopher L. Heuertz
–The Modern Enneagram by Kacie Berghoef & Melanie Bell
–Principle of the Enneagram by Karen A. Webb
–Self to Lose, Self to Find by Marilyn Vancil
–The Road Back to You podcast
–Typology podcast with Ian Morgan Cron
–Enneagram Journey podcast with Suzanne Stabile
-Suzanne Stabile Instagram account
-Ian Morgan Cron Instagram account and website
–The Enneacast podcast
–Enneagram for Idiots podcast
–The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile (book and workbook)
-Richard Rohr Enneagram books: start here
-Your Enneagram Coach Instagram account
-Enneagram apps: Enneapp and Enneagram Personality Test
-PBS documentary: Breaking Out of the Box: Discovering the Enneagram with Helen Palmer
-Helen Palmer, Enneagram coach: start here.
-The Liturgist podcast and Enneagram shirts
-Sleeping at Last podcast and songs

I plan on more this year, but here are some posts I’ve already written on the Enneagram:
Meet the Grahams: Mary the Eight
Meet the Grahams: Chris the Nine
Meet the Grahams: The Enneagram in Our Marriage
Enneagram dinner

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Resolution: Read more books

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One of the most powerful and inexpensive ways to grow and learn and stretch is by reading. I love to read and even if you don’t, I want you to read more this year.

Can I tell you to read twelve books in 2019? Just one book a month? I don’t care how you read it: audiobook, Kindle on your phone, borrowed from the library, or stolen from the store (just kidding). I just want you to read books this year.

I’m not telling you what to read. If you want some ideas, you can choose the “weekend read” category on the right and see what I loved last year or in years past, but you might not like to read the same books as me. That’s okay.

Let me put on my English teacher’s hat and tell you why you need to read:

1. Reading makes you smarter. Higher level thinking skills dull over time if you’re not challenging yourself with facts and stories and opinions. Your mind is getting slower and less sharp as you age, combat this with reading books!

2. Reading helps you know what you believe. If you only read books that mirror your own opinions, you live in a vacuum and that’s dangerous. You don’t have to agree with every book you read, but you need to know how to hear other opinions, hear other thoughts, and hear stories not like yours because you’re a human and other people besides you matter. Sometimes I read books and don’t like the author or what he or she is saying very much. I formulate reasons and arguments in my head to respond to what the author is presenting. This translates into a real life skill we all need. Sometimes I read books and I really like the author or what he or she is presenting. I pick apart why I like it, how it fits into my worldview or life experiences, and I’m a better at articulating who I am because of those books.

3. Reading helps us be more creative: WORDS! IDEAS! PLACES! PEOPLE!

4. Reading allows us to model good habits for our children. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of parents I’ve talked to through my years as an educator who wanted their kids to love books and read books at home and at school yet NEVER READ A BOOK THEMSELVES. Guys, that’s not how this works. Our children pay attention to our actions. That is how it works. Kids learn behaviors and skills and patterns they’ll follow by imitating their parents. We teach the majority of important lessons to our kids without words. I can’t tell my daughters to be kind to each other, but then talk to every person I come in contact with like a butthole. The parenting philosophy “do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work and is really bad parenting. Your kids won’t grow up to be readers, love reading in school, read themselves to sleep at night, pretend to write novels in middle school, and all the other great things book-loving kids do if you don’t read at home, don’t fill your house with books, don’t take your kids to the library to stock up on books you read on the couch together. Read books this year because it’s a powerful parenting strategy. I don’t care if the chick lit novel you’re reading isn’t something you’d actually read to your kid, but you can sit on the couch reading as they play; you’re modeling a skill you want them to pick up. (But also, read age-appropriate books to your kids, especially when they’re little. Language acquisition is happening even when they can’t talk yet. Start reading to them when they’re fresh little babes and don’t stop.)

5. This is a secret, please don’t tell everyone: Did you know the majority of movies and TV shows we’re watching are stories originally written in books? I KNOW. That’s insane. Even more insane: The books are 99.99999% always better than the movies. It’s true. Head to the library, tell a librarian what shows you like to watch, and they’ll recommend some books in the same genre. For real, they make books about everything. Try it.

Reading books is a great equalizer; we don’t have to have money to have access to books, and we don’t have to have loads of free time. There are few excuses to not reading books this year.

How about just twelve books? I know you can do it.

Some personal book related resolutions for me:
I’m not buying new books this year. I’ve known for months this was coming. I’ve told my people, ones who will hold me accountable and question where my books come from. One of the things I learned writing about my 38 books to read in 2018 was I still borrow a lot of books from the library even though I have ones at home to read. I learned that I like audio books (for free) using my public library’s free app. And that I still have plenty of books to read at home. I can easily spend a year reading as many books as I can and not need to buy a single one.

BUT.

Always a but with me. *disappointing head shake* Some things I need to confess: I get sent books from publishers to review. I’ve already received new books this year, books I didn’t buy or ask for. That won’t stop in 2019 which means I’ll still be accumulating book this year. I knew this book freeze was coming, and I ordered five books on December 31st because I’m a cheater and a fake. Two of them were Bible study/devotions because I’m officially out of those at home. The other three were not. My friend Jess, who is an enabler in the best possible way, knew this book freeze was coming so for Christmas she gifted me a young adult book of the month club for 2019. That means once a month, I get a new (SIGNED!) YA novel in the mail. So I’m still getting new books because my friends are awesome. At the Front Room Studio, we’re doing a monthly book club this year. (If you’re local, check out the schedule here and join us!) Jess and I created the reading list around books we (mostly) already own and want to read, but there are a few I don’t have. I’ll borrow them from the library or, as a last resort, buy them. But I’m going to try really, really hard not to. And finally, my last caveat: I am actively looking for a new Bible. This hurts me to say because getting a new Bible is not something I take lightly (all my notes! all my underlining! all my tear-stained pages!), but I would really like a study Bible with two translations (NIV and something else; NLT? The Message?). I’ve been going back and forth for months, so this isn’t a new idea, but I didn’t want to stress-buy one in December and not like it, so I’m allowing myself to still buy a new Bible when/if I find the one my little, very picky heart desires.

I don’t have the time to type up all 100+ books waiting on my office shelves, but here are 20 I’m really excited to read this year:
Educated by Tara Westover
Everything Belongs by Richard Rohr
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz
Sparkling Gems, Volume I by Rick Renner
The Path Between Us by Suzanne Stabile
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife by Ruth A. Tucker
Inspired by Rachel Held Evans
Mystics and Misfits by Christiana N. Peterson
The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur
Fifty Days of Solitude by Doris Grumback (this will be a re-read)
Addiction and Grace by Gerald G. May, MD
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Shrill by Lindy West
The Empathy Exams by Leslie Jamison
Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin
Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle
Giddy Up, Eunice by Sophie Hudson
Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Breaking Free by Rachel Jeffs

If you do need some book recommendations, you can check out any of these posts for books I love:
10 best books of 2018
13 books I’d give to anyone for Christmas
9 Christmas gift book ideas from your favorite book recommender
9 favorite books of 2015

*I also send out a monthly book review email, sharing all the books I read last month, if you should read them or not, what books my kids are loving, and anything else book-related I come across. You can subscribe to it HERE.

*You can also follow my book Instagram account where I share what I’m currently reading and short blurbs about books I’m loving and hating.

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.


Resolution: Get a therapist

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Hear me out.

I wish someone would have told me I didn’t have to wait until everything fell apart to get a therapist.

I wish someone would have told me childhood and living and being human is hard, and we all end up with some wounds and scars. And that I could have someone show me how to not carry them anymore.

I wish someone would have told me the strongest, wisest people have therapists.

I wish someone would have told me I could have a life of health and boundaries and peace and calm, and it wasn’t something just for other people.

I wish someone would have said there’s nothing wrong with therapy, that it should be just as common as getting your teeth cleaned every six months and your annual physical.

I wish someone would have told me.

So I’m telling you.

If you only do one thing differently this year, I hope it’s read your Bible every day, but a close second would be to find a good therapist and stay put for the year. See what twelve months of hard work can do for your life. I think it will shock you.

The warning everyone should have is it will seem easy and fun in the beginning; you’re telling your new therapist all the people who are horrible to you, all the people who have wronged you or do hurtful things. You’ll have a list of all the ways people abuse you, all the ways people have let you down or betrayed you.

But then something shifts. After a few sessions, your therapist digs past the other people and it’s your turn. You have to stop being the victim. You have to stop being the bystander. You have to stop being the only one who hasn’t done anything wrong.

Most people quit therapy around this point.

It’s fine when we’re talking about everyone else and how the majority of our problems are because of someone else. But then our therapist starts asking questions that are a little too close to home.

Why is that a pattern you fall into even though you know the outcome won’t change?
Why can’t you stand up to him?
What was behind your angry response?
Why do you feel like you have to control this?
What are you afraid of?
What happened to your heart all those years ago?

And a million other questions that you don’t really want to answer because it was a whole lot easier when this was everyone else’s fault but yours.

You’ll learn a lot of words in therapy: co-dependency, enabling, emotional abuse, neglect, addiction, coping mechanisms, avoidance, family cycles, anxiety, bipolar, manipulation, depression, safe people, boundaries, gas lighting, breathing techniques, patterns, rewiring your brain, narcissism, recovery, shame, victim mentality, self-esteem.

You think you know what these words mean, but suddenly they’re real for your life and your brain, and you’ve got someone who can help you process, heal, and thrive in the midst of them.

You will love therapy. It will be the hardest, most challenging work you do, but it will be good and restorative too. You know the phrase “hurts so good”? That’s therapy.

Therapy will make you gentler and kinder with yourself and with others. As you begin to see yourself clearer, you’ll see others with better eyes too. You’ll see behavior as pain, you’ll see reactions as wounds. You’ll see the healthy people in your life and you’ll be draw to them, because they are safe and they help you be your best self.

Therapy doesn’t have to be forever. There will be seasons, there will be years, for therapy and help and learning. Then there will be progress and growing in seasons on your own. Therapy isn’t a life sentence or a punishment. For me–and possibly you–it could be the key to a lot of freedom and a way to stop carrying heavy things you weren’t made to carry.

Once you tackle the hard work of therapy, you’ll become good at self-monitoring, and you’ll know when you need to be back in for some work and when you’re doing well.

Therapy resets our mental health meter and helps us keep things in check. Therapy guides us to a healthy place so we can better realize when we’re slipping again.

Imagine if you could get to the end of 2019, not with regrets and what-ifs, but mental health and freedom? What if you could get the coping skills to stop avoiding life and instead actively participate in this wild and wonderful place? What if 2019 was the beginning of healing and growth and lightness?

It can be. Absolutely. Find a good therapist.

I’m sharing five resolutions that will make 2019 the best yet. You can read yesterday’s post, Resolution: Read the Bible here.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.



Resolution: Read the Bible

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I feel like this one is pretty common: It’s January and you’ve been meaning to spend daily time in prayer, Bible reading/studying, and silence, but there just never seems to be enough time. January is a new start and *this year* you’re going to do better. This is it.

But how?
How do we do this so it sticks?
How do we do this when the newness wears off?
How do we do this when we’re tired?
How do we do this when there is already no time in the day?
How do we do this when it kinda seems boring?

The easy and hard answer is you just do it. Obedience is never easy, that’s the point. Good intentions only get us so far and wanting to know the Bible and God intimately versus actually knowing the Bible and God intimately are two very different things.

We bridge the gap between want and know by digging into His Word every day whether we have excuses or not.
We are all busy.
We are all lacking sleep.
We are all snuggled into warm beds in the middle of winter and outside those covers is the Arctic and we will not survive if we get up, but we do it anyway.
We all think some parts are boring.
We are all distracted by our phones and social media and text messages about Schitt’s Creek.

But we just do it anyway.

I’m not telling you when to read your Bible. I do it first thing in the morning, because I’ve tried other ways and I will end up not doing it if I don’t do it first thing in the morning. I’ve pretended I will, but I won’t.

Maybe you can take your lunch break and do your Bible reading and journaling and praying. Cool, do it.

Maybe you’re awake enough when you crawl into bed at night to take out your devotional and your Bible and your pen and spend time in prayer without immediately falling asleep. Cool, do it.

I don’t have a step-by-step guide for you to do this, I’m just telling you to figure out how to make it happen and then stick with it. Do it when God seems quiet. Do it when you read a verse or a chapter or a whole book and you have NO IDEA what is happening. Do it when you’re mad or when you’re really happy. Some days will feel holy and electric and other days will feel awkward and forced. God is in all of it, so you just keep showing up. He wants your obedience and He wants your heart and He gets both of those things when you listen and read and pray and act. You can’t get all of God by picking and choosing what’s most convenient or what sounds best for you.

Jackie Hill Perry says, “Since God is holy and utterly good by nature, even His harshest commands are worth your obedience. Or to say it another way, if God is as good as He says He is, then every single command is good FOR you even if it doesn’t feel good to you.” (source)

I think about that when I’m turning the other cheek, tithing, and forgiving when I really want to hold a grudge. I think about it when I get up early to start my day with Jesus even though I have writing to do, laundry to fold, and other things to read.

I don’t think knowing God’s Word is His harshest commandment by any means, but if I can’t be obedient and faithful in the seemingly easy things He asks of me, there is no way I can be obedient when bigger things come, when harder, more challenging things come. Reading our Bibles, spending time in prayer, studying God’s Word isn’t just to know our facts better or to have a great verse to respond with when we’re arguing with someone, it’s to change our hearts to be more like Jesus’. It’s to move ourselves from selfish to selfless. We can’t do that on our own.

I know I can’t convince you to do something you don’t want to do. I can write some powerful words, but that is not how this works. It’s all on you. But I can tell you that in January 2015 when I finally decided to stop wanting to read God’s Word and actually doing it, He changed my life. He began building strength in me I didn’t know I would one day need. He started teaching me how to be obedient with little things so when the big things came, I could choose wisely. He helped establish a routine for my days that–when everything fell apart–I still had without thinking about it. He was answering questions I didn’t yet know to ask and soothing pains I didn’t yet know were aching.

This is not hard.
Your excuses don’t hold up here.
This doesn’t cost money.
It won’t hurt you.
There is only good to come from this. He is only good. He has work He wants to do in you. He has stories He wants to share with you. He has joy He wants to bring you. And all you have to do is open your Bible.

If you only do one new thing in 2019, read your Bible. Read it every day. Just try it for one year and see what happens.

You don’t have to spend a dime reading your Bible, you can find tons of free reading plans online or on free apps for your phone or just open it! But if you are in the market for a new study to buy, I’ve loved these:
The Message: Solo, an Uncommon Devotional
This is what started everything for me; I love it dearly and plan to go through it again.)
The Daily Bible: NIV
This Bible-in-a-year study challenged me endlessly, but I wouldn’t start with it. Keep it in your back pocket for when you’ve established a good routine. This one will kick your butt.)
Open Your Bible: God’s Word is For You and For Now
I got this went it was first published and couldn’t get into it; I was only half-heartedly trying to establish a routine and it was completely me and not the study. I came back to it last year and loved it. It’s set up for a group study, but I did it on my own and enjoyed it.)
Write the Word journals
A friend sent me the Cultivate Renewal last year and I really enjoyed it. It gives you verses to read and write, then a page to journal your prayers. This might be a good routine starter because it’s structured, but gives you freedom within some boundaries as well.

I’ve written about my daily Bible reading before:
–Go here to read a series I wrote about the ways Jesus ruined my life after spending a year in the Bible.
–This is a post about what our mornings look like.
-I tried to incorporate gratitude journaling into my routine and failed miserably.
-I’m currently in a read-and-sit-and-think-quietly phase of my quiet time, but other times I’m all about journaling. Here’s a post on 19 ways I’ve journaled through my quiet time.
-Remember: reading the Bible is dangerous.
-If you do need a little more direction on how to start spending time in the Bible or establishing a routine, I wrote this post in 2015 about my morning routine.
-When I started reading the Bible in 2015, I committed to 60 days. That’s all. Here’s how it went.

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Not goals, just wiser steps

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I follow a few Enneagram accounts on Instagram. Last week, @enneagramandcoffee (a funny-yet-often-times true take on Enneagram numbers) posted the New Year’s Habits of each Enneagram type. I’m not going to rehash the whole post, you can see it here, but for Eights the author wrote we’d say “If you want to change something about yourself, just change it. Why do you need a holiday to do that?”

And I DIED because last January I wrote this post called Starting again right now where I wrote:

I’m just not a big New Year’s resolution person. If I want to make a change, I pretty much just do it that moment or start the next day. I don’t like to talk about making changes, I just make changes. So if I realize I’m eating too much crap and not enough vegetables, I make sure my next meal reflects that realization. If I’m looking at my phone too much, I put my phone down and go do something else. Monday start dates are good, but if it’s not a Monday, I’ll start on a Wednesday afternoon. I think giving yourself the freedom to begin again, in any moment you notice things not going the way you like, is powerful and freeing.

The Enneagram is legit, seriously. (I’m writing more on it this week, so hold tight.)

Soooo, it’s redundant to tell you I don’t really care for New Year’s resolutions. I decided to lose weight in May one year and did it. We realized we needed to get our finances under control one random weekend in 2009 and made a plan for the next pay day.

I think if most people spent half as much energy working toward their goals as they did talking about them, we’d all be living better lives. With that in mind, here’s what I’ve been working on the past few months and what I’m continuing to work on as we move into 2019. (If you LOVE a January resolution, no shame! I’ve got you covered this week as I share five things I’m recommending we all do to have an amazing 2019.)

Trying to drink black coffee.
Please add me to your prayer list. This might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. EVER. I cut out dairy creamer last summer; I’ve been using almond creamer since then, but there’s still more sugar than I need. Right now I’m measuring out the almond creamer for my coffee instead of just dumping it in which is a baby-step in the right direction. I know black coffee would be best for me if I’m going to continue to drink it. But I also like to argue (with myself, no one else cares about this…) that enjoying creamer in my coffee isn’t the end of the world.

There’s a part of me that just knows I need to be adult enough to drink black coffee in a pinch, and I am not yet that person. Again, prayers please.

Some spending changes.
If you follow me on Instagram, you know I read The Year of Less by Cait Flanders last year, and it changed my life. I came home from fall break (where I read the book) and purged my whole house. I feel like it’s important to say I don’t keep a lot of clutter or overflowing closets in general. I don’t hold onto things for prosperity sake, and I don’t feel attached to many objects. I was, in a lot of ways, Marie Kondo’ing before it became a sensation. Maybe I’m Japanese. Who knows.

But reading The Year of Less challenged me in new ways. Like it was okay to have empty closets and cabinets, just because I had stuff to fill them didn’t mean it was stuff I needed to have around. Like how purging often was great, but if I kept shopping or bringing more things into my house, I might have been missing the point. Like how so many of my coping mechanisms have some relationship with buying/shopping/spending.

As I emptied my house this fall, I knew 2019 was going to be different. We were getting rid of things, but also deciding to live with less things. We were emptying closets and purposefully trying to not fill them back up. We were deciding to tighten our budget, not to be able to shop more, but to save and travel more.

On December 26th, I un-followed some accounts on social media that encouraged me to spend money or buy things because “the deal was just too good to pass up!” I sat down to meal plan for the coming week, not just randomly buying things at the grocery as long as it was within the budget, because I know we have more than enough money each week for groceries but I still tend to spend more than is allotted. I took the credit card out of my wallet. I told Chris I wasn’t buying any new books for twelve months. (Again, prayers are appreciated. More on that on Wednesday; this one is going to hurt more than black coffee.) We’re starting a full-scale kitchen remodel on Saturday, but I’m going to try my very best to not eat out in January or February. We’re taking a few months off from buying non-essentials off Amazon (Water filter? Yes. Another pair of yoga pants? Nope.)

November and December always make me feel a little crazy with spending; we have to buy so many presents, our grocery bills go up because of food for parties and dinners, we spend more on gas as we run all over Indy. After the last gift is opened, I feel ready for a reset, for a tightening of the budget belt. I’m excited to see how much we can actually live on and how much we can save. (Plus, spring break is just a few months away, and if we want to go anywhere, we need to start saving now.)

In December I read this tweet:
Show me your receipts, your text messages, your gas mileage, your online history, a record of your daily doings, and, just to get things started, a transcript of the words you’ve spoken aloud in the course of a single day, and we’ll begin to get a picture of your religion. (source)

And that, my friends, is changing a lot of things for 2019, not just my finances and my coffee.

2019: I’m excited and terrified of you. But mostly excited.

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.


Top Ten Posts of 2018

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I’m not going to complain about how fast last year went and how I can’t believe it’s over…but seriously, how did it go so fast?

As the new year begins, I love to look back over the goals and dreams I had last January and where they ended up. I don’t pay much attention to blog stats when I’m publishing things, but I do like taking a peek at the numbers at the end of the year to see what resonated with people. It’s a nice walk down memory lane, and it helps me plan content for 2019.

Here are the ten most-read posts of the year.*

10. Numbers
Sometimes words work and, other times, it’s numbers. This post was a long time in the making.

9. Bless our ignorant little hearts
Woah. I remember what prompted me to write this one, and it still fires me up. Put prayer back in schools? Loudly telling others how to live? No, you’re doing it wrong. And your ignorant heart is showing too.

8. Meet the Grahams: Chris the Nine
In 2017 I started studying the Enneagram, and it changed so much. As we began to work on our marriage with Chris sober, learning our numbers and how we relater/don’t relate to each other was a powerful tool in healing. This is the post where I explain my husband the Nine. People really like hearing about Chris; he’s a pretty interesting guy.

7. How to recover from betrayal
I hate that I had to write this one, and I hate that it’s so popular. But it’s good, too. I will go to my grave proclaiming this message as loud as I can–this one gets shared a lot and it makes me hopeful for real healing and change.

6. Damn you & thank you
I learned a lot of lessons when Chris and I separated and one of them was how to recognize pit-people. I got new, better eyes in that broken season, and it made me see people better too.

5. A million little things at just the right time
When I announced I was taking the closing of my school as a chance to write and create full time, it was scariest and best post to write. I still feel like this even six months later.

4. This is about saving myself
Telling people, as your marriage collapses, that you’re just working on saving yourself sounds counter intuitive, but it was the best, healthiest advice I had, and it was more than enough.

3. A life to bear witness
This is the post that began sharing Chris’ struggles with alcohol and alcoholism. I didn’t write this in 2018, but it’s the starting point of a ten-part series where I share how low things had gotten and where they ended up when we separated. I still get a lot of people reaching out to me via email and social media and I always point them here.

2. Meet the Grahams: The Enneagram in our marriage
Okay, so you guys like the Enneagram. I’m not surprised by this because I bullied everyone into reading The Road Back to You and forced everyone to learn their numbers. I should write about it more…like next week. I’m going to write about it very, very soon.

1. You are going to be okay
We all fall apart at one time or another, and I think that’s why this was the most read piece in 2018. We all need the reminder that we’ll survive, that we will laugh again, that we will be okay. This one gets shared a lot and knowing people are reading it and finding encouragement humbles me.

As you can tell, many of the most-read posts in 2018 were about addiction or marriage struggles. Those are popular themes because they’re really, really common. Recently, I added a new category to my blog: addiction. You can use the drop-down menu on the right to read all the addiction-related posts. Also, I created a landing page for sharing when you feel like my story might help someone. I got a lot of requests for a spot to begin and so I created this page. (You can easily access it or share it by remembering it’s trustychucks.com/addiction. That place gets a lot of traffic, unfortunately.)

*Two posts that never die and always rank at the top of my stats each year are My husband is not my soul mate and Rewarding health milestones with things other than food. Neither one of these posts are well-written, and I cringe when I read them. This summer I had to turn the comments off the healthy milestones post because, like is always the case on the internet, the encouraging comments had morphed into nasty ones, and I was done reading them. Would I write that same post again? Nope. I would definitely change some things, but it’s still helpful to people because they keep pinning and sharing it so I’ll leave it even though I’ve learned and grown from it.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.


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