The happiest place on earth

November 15, 2018 By mary Leave a Comment

We ended the week at Disney World.

After Universal, we stayed at the campground on Wednesday to do laundry, swim, and take naps. We knew the next two days were going to be full so taking a day off to recover felt necessary. (Another sign of a family of introverts: we have to take fun breaks or we don’t survive.)

We woke up Thursday morning energized and ready to go. This was going to be our longest day all week because we were doing the Magic Kingdom from 9 AM to 6 PM then Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween party from 7 PM to midnight.

We travel with our dog, Blue, and because this day was going to be too long for him to stay inside, we booked him a reservation at Disney’s doggie daycare, Best Friends Pet Care. He spent the day playing with friends and going on long walks on the beach…just kidding, no beach. I just felt that sentence had to end that way. So we played at Disney for fifteen hours on Thursday and Blue lounged at the dog spa.

Not popular confession: I liked Disney, but I don’t really have the desire to go back anytime soon.

I KNOW.

Please sit down and breathe into a paper bag.

Don’t get me wrong, it was fun. We loved the two days we were there and there were lots of things we didn’t get to see or do. But it just seems like so much hype and money and chaos–it’s not the way I like to vacation. I don’t regret the trip at all, but we’ve been lots of really great places (a ski resort in Michigan, Yellowstone National Park, the Florida coast) and I don’t think Disney was any more special or exciting than any of those.

Plus, our goal of all fifty states by the time the girls graduate won’t happen if we do the same trips again and again.

Was Disney a bummer? Absolutely not. We loved it. We loved the old school rides and the brand new Toy Story section. We loved the crew members and the live shows. I’m so glad we went. The girls were the perfect ages (seven and nine) so they didn’t tire easily and they’ll remember this forever.

I’m glad we’re home. I’m glad we can mark it off the list. I’m glad next time we can go explore some other new place. And you can bet I started planning our next trip on the way home from Florida.

*To see how we prepared for the trip, check out this post.
*To see the first part of our week at Universal, go here.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! USE THE POPUP WINDOW, THE BAR AT THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN, OR GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

We solemnly swear we are up to no good.

November 14, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

It was a once-in-a-lifetime trip.

Universal Studios and Disney World over fall break felt impossible. We travel often, but we do it on a budget. We pull the camper to stay inexpensively. We eat out, but we also eat at the campsite a lot. We see new things but most of them are free or nearly-free. We’re committed to showing the girls all fifty states, but also saving for college and so we do it carefully.

Universal Studios and Disney World felt too frivolous.

Universal Studios and Disney World felt too out of reach.

But then our renters abandoned our rental property, we spent all summer (and all our money) getting it ready to sell, and when it sold above asking price in a hot market, we suddenly had the money to do something we thought could never happen.

So before I share all the fun stuff we did over fall break, I feel it’s important to say we know this extravagant trip was a gift from God. The God we serve was showing off when the house sold and He was showing off with the extra money we were given. This trip was never going to be a reality for us. It’s not the way we choose to spend our money, and I’m too responsible to spend money on a vacation if I know we need to use that money elsewhere.

Being a financially responsible adult is the cross I bear.

God has been showing off in 2018 and this trip is an example of that.

OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT. WE WENT ON A MAGICAL TRIP AND HERE’S WHAT WE DID:

We pulled the camper 1000 miles to the KOA Kampground in Orlando. (If you can book early enough, Disney has a campground that is amazing: Fort Wilderness Resort). We broke up the trip over two days because travel with a camper, two kids, and a dog is sloooooow. We boondock while traveling to our destination so while we don’t have electricity (or heat…or air conditioning…), we also don’t have to pay for a site. We stay in Wal-Mart parking lots surrounded by other campers and road-trippers in well-lit lots with security cameras. I know it might sound shady, but it’s legit and lots of people do it. Drive by a Wal-mart located near an interstate late at night sometime and count how many campers or semis you see in the back of the parking lot.

We stayed at the Orlando/Kissimmee KOA for the week. Six nights of campground fees cost us $416 which compared to a week at hotel is shockingly good. Before you get too excited though, I’ll mention driving your minivan to Florida costs at least 50% less than what pulling a camper with a giant SUV does. So we save money with the camper, but it also costs much more to get it down there. (But for us, it’s still less than a hotel bill which makes it worth it.)

The Orlando/Kissimmee KOA is about 15 minutes from Universal and 10 minutes from Disney World so it was the perfect spot for a week spent visiting both places.

We got to the campground and settled in on Sunday afternoon then rested up for Universal first thing Monday morning. I feel like Disney people will be insulted to read this, but we were most excited for Universal because of Harry Potter.

The girls knew we were going to Florida for fall break but didn’t know we were doing anything specific. We told them we’d be near a beach and just relaxing, so on Sunday morning as we neared Orlando, we broke the news to them, and Ellie lost her little mind.

She was excited for the trip, but I, having held in this surprise since April, was even more excited. It is not a competition, but if it was, I WOULD HAVE WON.

We did two days at Universal with the park-to-park pass going between Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios. (You can check out this post to see why we needed it for all the Harry Potter experiences.) I had prepared so much for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter that I sorta forgot there was other things at the park. I’m so serious–we walked into Springfield home of the Simpsons and I was just shocked that it existed.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is magical. I’m not sure I have words to adequately describe how surreal it is. I’m not a Harry Potter super fan; I love it because Ellie loves it so much, and I love it because of what it does to her, but even I was overwhelmed at times during the Harry Potter experiences. It actually feels like you’re in the books and Hogwarts is real. The attention to detail was inspiring, and I don’t know how to describe the joy I felt getting to take Ellie there and seeing her excitement. It was worth every single penny we spent.

If I could go back and prepare more for the trip, I would have paid attention to all the movie experiences we’d be a part of. My kids rode the E.T. ride with NO IDEA what the movie was about; I was so disappointed in myself. We shot aliens and saved the world with the Men in Black, but my girls didn’t understand why they zapped our memory with a light at the end.

We are failing our children with all the movies they haven’t seen.

If you’re planning a trip to Universal Studios, I’d recommend introducing your kids to
The Simpsons
Marvel Superheros
The Blues Brothers (duh, ours already knew this movie really well *high five*)
Popeye
King Kong
Jurassic Park
Harry Potter (I feel like this is a given…)
Dr. Seuss
Despicable Me
Spongebob Squarepants (gag)
Shrek
Transformers
Revenge of the Mummy
Fast & Furious
Men in Black
Woody Woodpecker
Curious George
Barney
An American Tale with Fievel

Okay, so your kids probably know the more current cartoon characters and some of these aren’t appropriate for younger kids, but you get the idea. We came home with a list of movies to watch so the girls could see why the rides and experiences were so awesome.

Going over fall break made the crowds a lot more manageable. We didn’t wait in a line more than 30 minutes and everything seemed to move fast. It was really hot all week–like record-setting highs for October–so that made the days a little less comfortable, but in Indiana it was freezing rain and nasty so I’m not going to spend any time complaining.

Tomorrow: Disney World!

*To see how we prepared for the trip, check out this post.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Universal and Disney World, but for cheap introverts

November 13, 2018 By mary 2 Comments

I did what anyone starting to plan a trip did: I Googled some things.

But instead of finding answers, I just found myself overwhelmed. We wanted to go to Universal and Disney World for fall break last month, but the information was never-ending, and it felt like everyone was telling me different things.

What I wanted was a low-key trip to a few amusement parks, but what I found was anxiety and stress. Too many articles. Too many tips. Too many ideas. Too many things to do.

So before I tell you how our fall break trip to Orlando was, I want to tell you how we prepared. Not because you can’t find a million answers on the internet to these exact questions, but because I feel so much of it was unnecessary and confusing. What if you want to go do Disney but you don’t go three times a year and spend all week there and know all the secret handshakes? What if I’ve never been to Universal Studios and you just want to make sure you don’t miss anything your kids want to do?

I want an introvert’s guide to Disney and Universal, if someone could write that, please and thank you.

Until that happens, I’ll tell you how we prepared for the trip, what we took with us to help lessen some in-park expenses, and what tips we actually used once we were in the park.

Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida
The main point of Universal was taking my Potterhead daughter to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. The months leading up to our trip, I slowly collected Harry Potter shirts for all of us to wear. We spent two days at Universal and so we each needed two shirts. What’s great about HP is it’s so popular (still, 20 years after publication) you don’t have to struggle to find anything Harry Potter related. I picked up shirts at Target for the girls and Kohls for Chris and I.

I ordered robes from Amazon, and the party aisle of Wal-Mart supplied Harry Potter glasses and wands. We planned to buy wands from Ollivander’s once in the park, because they have special wands that allow you to do magic in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. (You can take a test here to determine what wand is best for you; Ellie got the wand she tested best for, but Harper just picked one she liked with no concern for the test results. This drove her sister crazy.)

My girls didn’t know we were going to Universal Studios or, specifically, The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, so I printed Hogwarts letters with their names on them to surprise them with the news. You can print your own letters here. Both girls still have their letters and treat them with the upmost care.

Because two days doing all things Harry Potter was going to be a once-in-a-lifetime trip for my girls, we planned on letting them pick out one thing from a shop in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade as well. Harper got a Crookshanks stuffed animal, and Ellie got a quill set. We also stopped at Honeydukes for chocolate frogs, and we tried butterbeer (frozen and chilled versions) at the Leaky Cauldron.

We spent much less money at Disney or elsewhere in Universal, but for us, the pinnacle of our trip was Harry Potter so we lived like we had unlimited funds at Gringotts for a few days.

At home (AKA: the camper), I had stickers, character dolls, and pencil cases waiting for them when they crashed into bed at night. It was easy to say no to lots of expensive junk at the stores when I told them they had surprises waiting for them already. Our local Party City also had great Harry Potter stuff I picked up before the trip so we wouldn’t be tempted to buy over-priced things at the park.

Everything I had read told me to get into either Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade first thing in the morning before it got too busy. Part of the Harry Potter experience is riding the Hogwarts Express, but to do that, you have to have the park-to-park pass. If you get a ticket for just one park, you can’t ride the train or visit the other part. You could do one park each day and have plenty to do, but riding the Hogwarts Express is a really neat experience. Make sure to ride it both ways because each one is different.

We ate one meal at Universal, and it was ridiculously expensive. After that, I packed lunches and snacks in our backpack, and we only spent money on their refillable cup so we could drink pop or water whenever we wanted to. I would buy the refillable cup again, we definitely got our money’s worth over two days. (You can bring water bottles and drinks into the park, but carrying around a bunch of water in my backpack sounded horrible, so we sprang for the unlimited refills cup.)

Disney World in Orlando, Florida
I prepped for Disney the same way. I picked up Mickey and Minnie shirts for us at a Disney outlet mall this summer. The second day, we wore other Disney shirts (Moana, Star Wars, Lilo and Stitch, etc.), and if I didn’t get it at the Disney outlet, I picked it up at Kohls.

One day when I was brave, I asked my Facebook friends what Disney tips they had. We only had two days and I wanted opinions on what parks we should focus on for our very first visit. Without hesitation, people recommended Magic Kingdom. Some said Animal Kingdom was their favorite too, but we ended up choosing Hollywood Studios for the second day. We did not do the park jumper tickets because there was more to do in each of those parks individually so it was going to be a waste to add more things to do (plus many people said travel time–when you have a limited visit–wasn’t worth it). We also attended Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween party one evening so I bought Minnie trick-or-treating bags for the girls at Wal-Mart plus unicorn headbands and tails at Target. I wanted them to be able to wear costumes, but I didn’t want to carry anything bulky around all day so I found small things to shove in the backpack.

Many Facebook friends said to order lanyards and trading pins on Ebay before we went to Disney and then trade pins with the crew members. I found lanyards on Amazon and a lot of 50 pins on Ebay before we left so when we arrived at the park, we were armed and ready to trade pins. The girls (and Chris…I didn’t buy him a lanyard for pins, but I learned the error of my ways when we ended up at the store the night before Disney buying one for him) had a lot of fun trading pins with crew members. Buying pins at the park is crazy expensive, but I got 50 for less than $30 and would HIGHLY RECOMMEND you do this before you go. Everyone came home with cool pins; Chris ended up with a whole lanyard of Star Wars pins and Harper completed a set of Mickey pins. It was a fun extra thing to do there that many people weren’t aware of. We had more than a few people ask us what we were doing and how many times we’d been there to collect that many pins.

We didn’t buy an souvenirs at the Disney parks. I had enough goodies like Mickey stuffed animals, stationary, tattoos, pens, and sticky notes at home from Target, the Dollar Store, and Party City to keep us out of the shops and kiosks.

I learned my lesson on day one of Universal so we came to Disney prepared with sandwiches and snacks. It was convenient and easy to eat while waiting in line for something so we only spent money on special snacks like LeFou’s Brew and the giant cinnamon roll at Gaston’s Pub. Of course, we had to get Mickey ice cream, but it was so so hot that it didn’t last as long as everyone would have liked. I think Harper’s ended up on the sidewalk. Ellie tried a Mickey pretzel (it was a hit), and we had decadent cupcakes at the ABC Commissary.

When you buy tickets, you get three FastPass options with each ticket. 30 days before your visit you can select what rides or experiences you want and at what time. I wasn’t too concerned when the 30 day mark rolled around and selected our FastPass times later than I should have. We still had good options, but if I had done it the day it came open, I think I would have selected a few different rides. A lot of people make food reservations, but we weren’t there to eat food so we skipped that.

Okay, that’s it for my low-key tips and suggestions. If you’ve got some, leave them below, but remember, I get overwhelmed easily so talk quietly and slowly.

Wednesday: Universal Studios!
Thursday: Disney World!

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

God might not be for your marriage

November 8, 2018 By mary 2 Comments

He was angry.

“Why would God let my marriage fail?” he asked me through frustration and tears, “This isn’t fair.”

It was hard to hear.
It was heartbreaking to witness.
It was absolutely not the truth.

I understand the sentiment. If God is in control, everything is His doing, everything is His fault, everything is His plan.

But that’s a very loose, inaccurate understanding of Scripture. It also disregards the free will aspect of our lives.

God didn’t make your marriage fail.
God didn’t let your child get sick.
God didn’t allow your parent to die too soon.
God didn’t punish you by giving you a sick baby.

But as humans we need someone to blame, and it’s easy to blame someone who can’t really argue, someone we only have a basic, general idea of.

What I said to my friend who pleaded to know why God allowed his marriage to fail is this:

God doesn’t allow your marriage to fail. God is for your marriage. But your marriage is made up of two people, two flawed, broken people and if one of those people doesn’t want to stay in the marriage, God is not in the business of bullying. He doesn’t just wave a magic wand and set things right.

He could, but historically (meaning what He’s done in the Bible) that’s not how He works.

Because as any parent knows, when you swoop in and fix everything, your kids don’t learn the lesson. God created us with free will and the ability to be in or out. We are not puppets moved about at His whim with strings and jerky movements. We decide how we want to live, what we want to worship, what we want to be or not be.

And if you’re in a marriage with someone who doesn’t want to be anything but selfish, you can’t change that.

I often cringe when people use the lazy, pithy statement that “God is for marriage” like it’s the end all, be all to any marriage question.

Like it’s easy and simple.

People aren’t simple and neither is God. Marriage isn’t simple and neither is God.

Yes, God is for marriage. But He’s for healthy marriage. He’s for God-honoring marriage. He’s for healthy families, and He’s for healthy relationships.

The idea God is for any and every marriage just because you got married in a church and you claim the name of Christ is a stretch. For some reason, the Church has championed this slogan of “God is for marriage” and then disregarded the fact that God is for marriage but He’s ultimately for people.

The longer we spend in God’s Word, the less likely we should be to use generic slogans like
God is for marriage.
Why did God let my marriage fail.
God hates divorce.
Staying married means you took your vows seriously.

Because if a short sentence could save a marriage, we’d see a lot less divorce. If only we could remind people not to get divorced, they surely wouldn’t file for divorce.

Please.

Last year I was meeting with a divorce lawyer to file for divorce from my husband. My health and safety were at risk if I stayed married. My children were at risk of growing up in a family with fighting, unhealth, mistrust, and addiction.

I take my wedding vows seriously right now in 2018, and I took them just as seriously in 2017 as I began to move forward with a divorce.

But I was married to someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t live by the vows we swore to in a church in an Indianapolis suburb in the fall of 2006. I could not control his actions, his addictions, his behaviors, and his wounds.

It was not my responsibility.

It was not my job.

It was not my calling.

God loves marriage. God is for marriage. God blesses marriage. But He does not do that in the context of unhealth, violence, manipulation, abuse, mental illness, lying, co-dependency, addiction, and cheating. In those moments, He’s not concerned about your marriage, He’s concerned about you as an individual.

My marriage does not trump my health. My marriage does not trump my children’s health. It’s all or nothing. And if we’re all unhealthy, something has to change. We can do that together, or we can do it individually, but God does not call me or you or anyone to continue to live years and decades and lifetimes in an unhealthy marriage. Because it’s not just contained to the two people married, but it impacts children and extended families and friends.

An unhealthy marriage is like a bomb going off and hitting every single bystander within a five mile radius as it limps along.

God loves marriage just like He loves people: with grace and forgiveness and new starts and humility and servanthood. But if your marriage isn’t full of those things, He’s probably not a big fan of your marriage, because it sounds like your marriage is full of sin. And God hates sin.

So technically, He could hate your marriage.

Can He fix it? Absolutely.

Will He fix it when one or more parties has a hard, stubborn, proud heart? Probably not.

Will He fix it if you claim Him in name but never action? Probably not.

Can He fix it? Absolutely.

But He’s going to start by fixing the two people in it on their own and if you’re not willing to do the work as an individual, He’s probably not going to do the part you’re pleading for. Because your answer always starts with you. Your heart. Your baggage. Your lies. Your deceit. Your selfishness. Your sin. Your issues.

God doesn’t let your marriage fail. He’s actually really clear on how to do marriage well. He gives us plenty of advice and counsel on how to do marriage successfully. But then we bring our human selves to the union and things get a million times harder.

While it breaks our hearts, we also can’t demand God jump in and fix something that has been broken and unattended for all the moments leading up to the end. We can’t be mad at a God who tells us how to do things correctly and when we ignore them, call for backup with huge demands when *shockingly* things didn’t go our way. Obedience starts at the altar and starts again at the beginning of every day. And it takes two obedient spouses to make it successful; one hard-working husband or wife can’t drag a damaged marriage into the light.

The hard part about this world we live in is until Jesus comes back, we will live with divorce and broken families. God’s not happy about it. He doesn’t enjoy it, but He’s probably not surprised by it either. This is fallen Eden, and the more reminders we get, the more eager we should be for His return.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! USE THE POPUP WINDOW OR THE BAR AT THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Girls’ Bedroom Tours

October 25, 2018 By mary Leave a Comment

We’ve been in our house almost two years so I thought I’d show you what the girls’ rooms looked like when we first moved in and no longer look like.

What?

If I could tell you how many posts I’ve prepared or taken pictures for then just never completed, we would be here all day. I’m overflowing with ideas and short on time, but I’m trying to follow through on some old drafts and this is one of them. So while Ellie’s and Harper’s rooms do not currently look like this, the majority of the stuff in them is still there. Whenever we have guests, people always ask where Harper’s light fixture or Ellie’s rug came from so I’m sharing all of that here as well.

When we moved from our small house in the city where the girls shared a room to our much larger home in the country, the girls got to make some design choices for their new rooms. I asked for color ideas and dream situations. Harper wanted green walls and a canopy bed. Ellie wanted purple walls and a bookcase for all her books.

My kids have low demands. I met very few of them.

Harper ended up with white walls and lots of green accents which slowly morphed into rainbow colors. I bribed her to give up the green walls (gag) in return for the most brightly colored light fixture I could find.

It worked like a charm.

At the old house, the girls had bunk beds and because we didn’t have the budget for new beds when we moved, we just split up the bunk beds giving each girl one twin bed. (We have since put the bunk beds in Harper’s room, and Ellie got a full-size bed so guests can sleep in her room when they visit and both girls can stay in Harper’s room; I’ll give a current bedroom tour in a few months…you know, right before I rearrange it again, because I like to be timely).

Ellie’s room did get purple walls, but very light purple. I really want their rooms to feel light and airy so adding anything that feels dark and heavy on the walls is a struggle for me. The gray curtains in Ellie’s room ended up blocking too much light so we took those down and replaced them with white gauzy ones pretty quickly. We try to compromise in the girls’ rooms: they get to decorate, hang up posters, and keep their little knickknacks out as long as I get to decorate first.

Seeing Ellie’s lightbox with “Hey Bub” written on it makes me laugh; she was on a months-long kick where she called everyone Bub and it was funny for a second then it quickly morphed to annoying. It has, thankfully, ended so it’s fun to see that reminder. Ellie’s rug is a big hit with everyone. It’s hard to vacuum because it’s got lots of little fabric pieces that get caught in the vacuum, but otherwise she loves it and so do I.

Both the girls have real plants in their rooms, and they love them. I added those when they were at school one day and expected protests when they got home to see them, but the opposite happened. They were both excited about the plants and have added more since. I will say, I’m not always the best about remembering to water their plants and there have been some causalities.

Once the dust settled from our move, the girls were still happy and excited with their own rooms. I completely expected them to miss sleeping in the same room and predicted the first few nights would be drama-filled. But they proved me wrong and haven’t complained one second about being split up. It’s also brought a little more peace to our home. I enjoy having the option to ask them to take a break in their rooms for some quiet time or to diffuse fights. They play really well together, but space helps with their attitudes also. (Although, I’m also a big fan of kids sharing rooms and just figuring it out. They shared a room for five years, and it worked really well. I shared a room with my sister until I was thirteen, but I think the room addition for me at thirteen was to help my family and not me. I was a handful.)

Where to get some of the things featured in Harper’s room
Cat picture: Marshall’s
Globes: vintage
Dresser: IKEA
‘Let’s Get Lost’ picture: Marshall’s
Bedding: Walmart
Bed: Walmart
Bed canopy: Amazon
Bookshelf: IKEA
Toy box: IKEA (currently unavailable)
Sheer curtains: Target
Rug: Rugs USA
Chandelier: Amazon (currently unavailable)
Rolling drawers: IKEA (currently not available in green)
Wall tassels: Walmart (in the party aisle!)
Bedside lamp: IKEA (similar)

Where to get some of the things featured in Ellie’s room
Dog picture: Marshall’s
Curtains: Target
Bed: Walmart
Duvet: IKEA
‘Hello’ pillow: Marshall’s
Cat pillow: IKEA (currently unavailable)
Bean bag: Target
Rug: Rugs USA (similar)
Unicorn lamp: Target
Nightstand: Walmart
Cat picture: Marshall’s
Dog: rescue shelter (not for sale)
Gold mirror: vintage
Dresser: IKEA
Lightbox: Walmart
Coat rack: IKEA (currently unavailable; similar style)
Wall pennant: raodside tourist stop in Utah
Llama picture: Marshall’s
Basket: Marshall’s
Bookcase: IKEA (currently unavailable)
Art easel: Amazon
Light fixture: IKEA

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! USE THE POPUP WINDOW OR GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Thanks for asking, lemme tell you.

October 23, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

I turned thirty seven last week. We celebrated by going to Disney World like any adult would do.

Actually, the truth is more like it was fall break and we were traveling and it just happened to be my birthday, but pretending it was on purpose sounds fun.

When it’s your birthday and you’re at a Disney park, they give you a pin that announces to everyone it’s your birthday. I lost count of the crew members who wished me a happy birthday, but I would say it was at least thirty of them.

Happy Birthday, Mary!

Happy Birthday!

As someone who enjoys not always being seen, it was a little overwhelming. Especially when half the time, my family doesn’t even get me birthday cards and, more than likely, I have bought my own birthday present (a new green jacket, thanks for asking). I like celebrating others’ birthdays but don’t really care too much to get a lot of attention on my own.

My kid self would be so disappointed in my adult self.

But then my adult self would tell my kid self sometimes I eat candy for dinner, and we’d be cool.

At what point do we as adults get to give up the charade that it was a hard year and instead admit being an adult IN GENERAL is really hard?

Is it thirty seven?

I think it’s thirty seven.

Not that the past year was all bad. There was a lot of magical, beautiful, wonderful things that happened on my last trip around the sun. If I want the good, I have to accept the bad too.

Give and take.

Learn and grow.

Break and heal.

What did I learn this past year? Thanks for asking, lemme tell you.

-I learned that sometimes all you need is a drink of water and a walk around the block to get out of a funk. I learned that sometimes medicine is necessary to shake the funk and that neither of those are bad.

-I learned it’s good to keep a standing appointment with your therapist because just when you think things are calm, just when things feel manageable, BOOM, life says not so fast.

-I saw what happens when your kids get older and they develop personalities and sense of humors independent of you, and it’s just the most enjoyable thing to experience and witness.

-I remembered there’s nothing wrong with mindless, frivolous stories that keep you up all night reading just because they can. Sleep is important, but skipping it occasionally is too.

-I learned that friendships can end and you can grieve them without wanting them back. The end can make you sad but also really, really peaceful.

-I was taught again and again I’m not in charge, I control very little, and I am going to be okay without either of those things.

-I was reminded that my home filled with people I love is still the best place to be.

-I learned forgiving others is right but sometimes it’s about my freedom too.

-I learned that unbalanced relationships–with one person always taking and one person always giving–will eventually topple.

-I’m (still) learning that maybe you can have too many books. Maybe. Check back at thirty eight.

-I learned that boundaries are hard but good. How others react to boundaries tells you how healthy or unhealthy they are; this isn’t yours to change, but you can take note.

-I learned if you don’t know the answer, grace is a good place to start.

-I’m learning that character counts, and it doesn’t lie. We don’t need to fight what others think or say about us because actions always speak louder than words.

-I learned that God is close to the brokenhearted, and His comfort is better than anything else I can find.

-I realized this world is more painful and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.

-I learned the more grateful you are, the more you have to be grateful for. Gratitude gives you new, better eyes.

-I remembered what deep, peaceful, safe sleep feels like. I didn’t realize it was missing, but I’m glad it’s returned.

-I learned when friends let you in on their healing and hurting, it is the most sacred gift. I was taught how to do this well by others and getting to be on the other side feels holy.

-I learned that to-do lists are comforting, but so is ignoring them.

-I realized a queen-size bed can hold two adults, a seven year old, a nine year old, and a medium-sized dog even though it feels impossible.

September was hard in unexpected ways so as October slowly made its way here, I anticipated it more than normal. Let the leaves turn colors. Bring on the cooler temperature. Usher in the shorter days. Something about the slow dying, the scheduled end to summer and growing felt right to my soul.

I’m walking away from a lot as I begin another year: jobs, security, relationships, routines, answers, comfort for the sake of comfort. I’m excited and expectant of thirty seven. It will be hard and good, sad and beautiful. I hope it includes traveling, writing, my family, new and old friends, lots of laughter, really good food, piles of books, less stuff, and more experiences. I pray it is wrapped in obedience, humility, patience, love, grace, and mercy.

For myself.

For my family.

For you.

Photography by Huff Photography

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to subscribe and listen.

Seasonal Closet Clean-Out

October 11, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

Fall re-energizes me.

I start cleaning the baseboards after ignoring them all summer. I organize shelves. I empty kitchen cabinets I’ve been avoiding. But my favorite part to do in the fall (and every season change, actually) is to clean out my closet. I love paring down my wardrobe again and again. The older I get, the less I find myself needing a closet full of clothes. Plus, I don’t have to get dressed for the classroom or office every day so my closet has slowly moved from business casual to verrrry casual the past few years.

But even still, I can find a good amount of clothes to get rid of every season.

(Did you see the funky birds and floral wallpaper in my closet? That’s the original wallpaper my grandma put up in 1970 and even though we updated the closet organization systems, I couldn’t bring myself to take that wallpaper down. Side note: How hardcore is my grandma for wallpapering her closet? That’s some serious wallpaper dedication.)

Nothing brings me more joy than getting rid of things and when it comes to my closet, it’s no exception. I do this a few times a year and have a pretty good system for knowing what to keep and what not to keep. Ready to clean out your closet (or closets? and drawers? and guest bedroom? and coat closet?), let me help:

-Begin by trying everything on. I know, I know. That’s going to take some time. But you need to know right now on this very day what fits and what doesn’t. Be honest with yourself about how you look in each piece and if it really fits you.

-If it doesn’t fit, get rid of it. This won’t be popular advice, but if it doesn’t fit, you should get rid of it. I’m not talking about the jeans you have for “fat” days and the jeans you have for “skinny” days. I’m talking about the wrong-sized clothes. I’m talking about the dream jeans you haven’t worn in five years. I’m talking about the work blazer you love but you can’t button. As someone who lost a significant amount of weight and finally fit into all those clothes I’d been carting around to each place I lived, there’s a good chance you won’t want to wear them when you can fit them. Styles change and when you lose weight, you want to buy new clothes–trust me–just get rid of them now and you’ll feel so much better. (Also, if you’re holding on to some low-rise jeans you wore when you were twenty and child-less, please stop carrying around the emotional baggage of fitting into them again. It’s not healthy and it’s also pretty unreasonable. Be kind to yourself, get rid of them.)

-Fix it immediately or throw it away. As you clean out your closet, you might find a pile of clothes you love but they need work done to them: hemmed, a button sewn back on, a stain scrubbed out, etc. Immediately act on the pile (fix the button or take the pants to the tailor) or get rid of them. Good intentions are great, but if you’re honest with yourself and know they won’t be addressed in the near future, get rid of them.

-Don’t keep it if you don’t love it. Of the clothes you tried on, are there any that fit but don’t actually make you feel amazing? Just because it fits doesn’t mean your body needs to wear it. If you’re making room in your closet for lots of clothes that are just okay, but you don’t really love, please remove them. We’re adults and we deserve to have clothes that fit us well and that we feel great in. Stop wearing something just because you have it if it doesn’t make you feel like your best self.

-Stuff you love but don’t wear? I always have a pile of clothes I still love and they fit so I can’t let them go yet. But I don’t really ever wear them either. To make myself feel better, I take that pile and hang them up in our laundry room closet. I stick a tag to one piece that has the date marked on it and if I can go six months without needing or wearing them, I feel okay getting rid of them. I don’t know if that’s a healthy way to get rid of clothes or not, but sometimes I tell myself I’ll wear something and then I don’t so this is like baby-stepping them out of the house.

-Start a seasonal wardrobe. If you find yourself with piles of clothes you only wear during certain seasons, pack them up and store them when they’re out of season. Then when winter or summer rolls around again, it feels like you just got a whole new wardrobe without the cost. The majority of my clothes transition well to every season so I don’t do this, but I will pack up all my big, bulky sweaters in the summer to make my closet feel lighter.

-Don’t just focus on clothes. Go through your shoes, purses, bags, jewelry–go through it all to find what you don’t need anymore. I carry the same purse for years or until it falls apart so you know what I figured out after ten years of hoarding purses? THAT I NEED TO STOP BUYING PURSES. Hash tag slow learner. Also, I like buying jewelry, especially necklaces, but I hardly ever wear them. Let’s stop doing that, Mary Graham.

-Donate your clothes or share with friends. I have a group of friends who go through my clothes when I’m done with them. The laundry basket full of castoffs makes its rounds, and then when it returns to me, I donate the leftovers to a local thrift store that supports the homeless community in neighborhood.

-Think before you buy again. This isn’t just a post to encourage you to get rid of some things, but to remind you that just because you got rid of something doesn’t mean you need to replace it with something new. You probably had too many clothes to begin with. Begin to get used to a new normal with less stuff and give your closet permission to not be overflowing. After a few seasons of cleaning out my closet, I noticed I was in the habit of buying cheap, trendy shirts I’d wear a few times and then lose interest in. Now I ask myself if I’m buying something because I think it’s cute for the moment or it would be a good long-term purchase for my closet. Normally the answer isn’t what I want it to be so I leave the store empty-handed.

What about you? What’s a trick or suggestion you have for cleaning out our closets? How do you know what to keep and what to get rid of? Do you have any really old jeans you need to confess to?

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

They’re going to hate me as much as I hate me.

October 9, 2018 By mary 1 Comment

It’s October again, and I found myself sitting in southern Indiana in the wood-paneled building surrounded by addicts and alcoholics just like last year.

This time I was there for an AA meeting and not weekly visitation for my husband. We had the girls in tow. The four of us walked in together, and we would be leaving together as well.

The old timers hugged Chris, checked in on him, teased him. A friend admitted he’d slipped and was starting the sobriety count again. People grabbed waters and coffees, and as the meeting began, the girls put their headphones on and turned up their tablets.

AA meetings aren’t for little girls.

There’s a rhythm to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, just like any other meeting you’d attend. There’s an opening script, a call for restarts, a time for sharing milestones. They begin with 24 hours. Anyone starting over? Anyone been sober for 24 hours? And they work their way up.

Chris stood up at the one year call-out and declared his one year of sobriety. His sponsor said some words, and Chris got his one-year coin.

I thought I would cry when this happened, but I didn’t.

The moment passed, and the meeting opened to comments and questions. As the conversation warmed up, a guy spoke up about his fears as he begins to work through step four.

In AA, step four is when the alcoholic makes “a searching and fearless moral inventory of” themselves. This normally involves a lot of time and paper: the recovering alcoholic writes out all his or her moral failings, all the decisions alcohol played a part in, and all the areas of his or her life affected by alcohol.

For an alcoholic, this step is long, exhausting, hard, and painful. Alcohol helped them forget things, but there are still millions of things they can’t forget and until they confess them, they’ll continue to be weighed down by them.

And so the alcoholic writes them down. All of them. As many as he or she can remember.

When you’re done with step four, you move to step five which is “admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

You have to confess all the shit you’ve done. The shit no one else knows about. The secret shit you’d like to forget. The lies. The stealing. The hurting of others. The deceit. The cheating. The wrecks. The manipulation. The destruction. The things you swore you wouldn’t tell anyone. The things you only did because you thought no one would ever know.

Everything.

Now you can see why someone was anxious and worried about step four. Not drinking is hard. Not drinking while you write down and then say out loud all the very worst things–pages and pages–that you’ve done is hard multiplied by one hundred.

Alcoholics who are trying to do the work know you can’t skim or gloss over this part, because it comes back up and you drink again. You have to get it all out, get it all on paper, and then say it all out loud to move on.

You don’t get the benefits of hard work (in this case: sobriety) unless you actually do the hard work.

Here’s why I’m telling you this: because we’re all carrying things that are destroying us. We might not be driven to drink or to numb with drugs, but we’re all weighed down with secrets and regret and shame and it is one-hundred percent impacting our actions, relationships, families, and conversations.

We don’t get the benefits of hard work (in this case: intimacy, healthy marriages, wisdom, authentic friendship, peace, joy, contentment) unless we do the hard work.

Everybody wants the results but nobody wants to do the work.

One guy joined the conversation to encourage the speaker through his step four wrestling, and then he said when he was working on steps four and five, it destroyed him because he just knew when he said his stuff out loud that “they’re going to hate me as much as I hate me.”

They’re going to hate me as much as I hate me.

If that’s not the most honest and truthful reason people lie, I don’t know what is.

They’re going to hate me as much as I hate me.

I can’t get that out of my head. I can’t get that out of my heart. I can’t make it stop echoing in my ears.

They’re going to hate me as much as I hate me.

That’s it, friends. That’s why we lie and hide and deceive and manipulate and cover up and scheme and destroy. Because if people knew the real us, they’d hate us just as much as we hate ourselves. So we keep digging bigger holes and we keep creating more faces for more people. We keep doing things we would never own up to because we hate who we are and we for sure don’t need other people to hate us too.

But the secret is when alcoholics confess to their sponsors, no one hates them. No one is shocked. No one is even impressed. Because sponsors are alcoholics too. Because sponsors have done their own horrible things. Because sponsors have already done their own hard work. Because sponsors understand the power of saying it out loud and then letting it go.

AA isn’t a religious organization, but if you’re not seeing Jesus in this madness, you’re not paying attention.

AA demands community, honesty, confession, grace, forgiveness, and a changed life. Sometimes the alcoholic has to start over fifty times before he or she gets it right, but each time, AA is there with open arms and a bunch of broken, beautiful people who want to walk with you.

Jesus demands community, honesty, confession, grace, forgiveness, and a changed life. Sometimes Jesus followers have to start over fifty times a day before he or she gets it right, but each time, Jesus is there with open arms and a bunch of other broken, beautiful people who want to walk with you.

The truth is we’re all weighed down by something. We get to wake up every day and continue to carry it which we know will lead to our self-destruction, or we can start the hard work of admitting, asking for forgiveness, and living a better life.

They say after recovering alcoholics complete step five, you can see them almost float out of the room. I don’t think humans can fly, but I think the closest we’ve ever come is when an addict stops carrying the traumas and scars and shame that has controlled them for so long. You can’t describe or imagine that first feeling of freedom after being in bondage for so, so long.

They just float out of the room.

We can do that too. We can float–unashamed and untethered–all we have to do is start the work.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

We’re still here.

September 28, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

I kept a notebook last fall and winter.

Every text, card, gift, meal, word, or message I received, all in a pink paisley notebook. I kept it because I write everything down. I kept it because it helped on nights when I couldn’t sleep and I was overwhelmed with sadness. I kept it because I didn’t want to forget the kindness. I kept it because I wanted to learn how to do what these people were so good at doing for me.

I kept it so one day I could say thank you.

‘One day’ came last weekend.

Going through the small pink notebook for the first time since the spring felt cathartic. Already my memories were fuzzy of who did what and how often people showed up at just the right moment to love us in a season of pain and transition.

It was a rag-tag group of people keeping us alive last year. People who love Jesus. People who decidedly do not love Jesus. People who fed us. People who texted me inappropriate memes religiously. People who prayed for us. People who said all the curse words for us. People who cried with us. People who helped buy us groceries. People who loved on our kids. People who said nothing but gave really good hugs.

I was reminded again and again as I turned the pages of the notebook that God can use people–all people–whether they are fans of Him or not. He is present and active in all our lives, and we just need the eyes to see it.

The beginning of my thank-you to these people was a cookout last weekend at our house. Once it was all said and done, over 100 people were on the list, over 100 people had shown up for us when we were too tired to show up for ourselves. It was overwhelming to realize.

But I wanted to feed them all.

I don’t know the words to express my gratitude, but I do know how to buy food for lots of people and make batches and batches of chocolate chip cookies.

So I started there.

And the people came.

Even with sports and weddings and traveling, our favorite people trekked to the country to jump on a trampoline, slide down an inflatable, stand around a bonfire, play cornhole, throw the football, roast smores, and eat hot dogs covered in mustard and jalapenos.

We celebrated the one-year anniversary of Chris’ sobriety. We celebrated the goodness of a God who sends His people to love on others. We laughed and joked. We cried a little. We talked about the past year, and we filled people in on what’s ahead. We said ‘I love you’ with our eyes, our hearts, and our embraces. We hugged babies and said ‘thank you’ with extra helpings of chips and salsa.

I don’t know if the words exist to adequately express our gratitude, but we tried with bottles of soda and Goldfish crackers.

The most overwhelming part is that invite list just included local people; it didn’t even touch on the people from other places, other parts of the country, other parts of the world who held us up. We were loved by people from every corner as we tried to heal our marriage and each other.

And so this post, this thank you, is for you too.

If you sent me an email, an anonymous card, a message on Instagram–I thought of you last weekend too. I am grateful and humbled by the people who love and support our family. We would not still be here if it weren’t for all of you.

I’ve learned a lot in the past seventeen months. I’ve learned a lot about families and staying silent and loving others well and friendship and encouragement and what I will allow and what I won’t. These past months have shifted and shaped me in profound ways.

I can no longer keep quiet when kids are being hurt by a parent’s actions or inaction.
I will not accept lies to keep people’s secrets.
I can share what I have with those who are hurting because it’s not mine to begin with.
Once you’ve broken, you can see the other broken people easier.
Change hurts.
When we stop blaming others, the real work begins.
God is good even if.
The rebuilding never looks like you think it will.
Sobriety is fragile, and who I let into our lives matters just as much as who Chris does.
One moment at a time is all you should focus on.
You can laugh and cry, break and mend all at the same time.

I’ve learned lessons a million ways recently, but some of them have come from my people on the internet and some have come from my people in the trenches.

So thank you for teaching me things, things I needed to survive.

We’re still here, and it’s thanks to all of you.

Remember this.

September 27, 2018 By mary 2 Comments

I am a gatherer and a rememberer.