A different kind of August

August 16, 2018 By mary 1 Comment

For the first time in thirty-one years, I didn’t go back to school in August.

Kindergarten. College. Teaching.

August (and, let’s be honest, the end of July) were for getting ready for the classroom. Whether I was the student or the teacher, I’ve walked into a new school year every August for the majority of my life.

But not this year.

I was curious how this would feel. How sending my kids back to school without the stress of also getting myself ready. Of watching my friends and former co-workers return to their classrooms, while I didn’t ready a syllabus, make millions of copies, or eager look over my roster to see who I’d be spending the year with.

Weird reality: it didn’t bother me at all.

I anticipated the missing out. I was even looking forward to the sadness a little bit, as a way to say I was missing my calling because I have felt for years I was made to be a teacher. I was made to be in the classroom with loud-mouth kids and books and passing periods.

The eerie peace and calm I’ve felt has been unexpected. Like I almost don’t trust the way I feel right now. Shouldn’t I be worried and anxious and bummed a little?

I feel like I’m doing this wrong.

Maybe because I still bought new pens, set up a desk in a new office, and purchased a few new outfits (“writing” outfits, I shall henceforth call them), that I magically pulled out all the best parts? I know that’s not true, but I’m searching for answer and I’m willing to make them up right now.

Here’s what I’m doing while I’m not in the classroom:

–I’m writing for at least an hour every day. Uninterrupted, write-the-freaking-book writing. It is hard and good and sometimes telling the truth about the past few years makes me physically ill. But I am writing it. After years of saying I’d write something, I am actually writing. (My goal is 25,000 words by the end of August.)

–I’m writing twice a week here. I have always been overflowing with ideas for posts but there was never enough time. That is definitely weird to say since there was a period of time when I was working full time, parenting two young kids, and publishing posts at least five days a week. I cannot vouch for the quality of writing that was happening then though so there’s that.

–I’m talking. Joining the Not Terrible podcast with Jess last spring has challenged me in new and exciting ways. In a weird way, learning to share stories out loud without the option to edit much is influencing the way I write too. I’m not sure what I was expecting when Jess and I started discussing this new version of the podcast, but God’s doing some crazy things with it.

–I’m helping some local businesses manage their social media accounts. Working on the internet for over ten years has given me some skills I didn’t realize I had until someone pointed them out. So that’s cool.

–I’m sharing an office and studio. In the heart of the small town I grew up in, just a few miles from our current house, sits a blue-gray building with giant windows and really uneven floors. Jess and I have signed a lease, moved ourselves in, and are working hard to build a creative space so we can run our media businesses, collaborate with and encourage each other, and develop a place to host local events. (Full tour of the space and how you can rent it for yourself in a few weeks!)

–I’m preparing to teach again. But my students won’t have to call me Mrs. Graham (unless they want extra credit, then they totally can). One of the things I want to do with the office/studio space we’ve created is host some writer’s workshops. Gathering people to talk about the craft of writing and how to do it better in the context of telling our stories is something that gets me really excited so I’m collecting ideas, taking notes, and dreaming about what that will look like.

–I will be freelance writing more soon. But not yet. I know myself well enough and without a doubt, I can fill my days with lots of activities and work things that will take the focus off finally writing the story I need to tell. The outline is done. The prep work is done. I just have to sit and write. I’m doing it, but in the process, I’ve had to turn down some exciting opportunities or experiences so I don’t get distracted. I am trusting God will give me what I need when it’s time, but I’m trying really hard to be faithful and quiet with the task I believe He’s given me.

The reality of August coming and me not going back to the classroom but having the margin to write full time felt like a fake dream, too good to be true. But here I am, far from the halls of a school writing my little brains out. I know without a doubt it will get harder, but August has been kind to me and I’m thankful for the opportunity.

*That picture is NOT my office. I mean, seriously, you didn’t think that did you? I’m not a millionaire for goodness sake.

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I’m a farmer now, here’s how you can be one too.

August 14, 2018 By mary 6 Comments

My summer dream was front yard landscaping, moving our shed off the driveway (serious, grandparents, why?), and a pergola over the back patio.

Instead I got a garden and cared about nothing else ever.

Sure, we didn’t have the time or margin to do those things, but something about our hard summer was made easier by growing things. No matter how busy the day was, no matter how tired I was, I ended my day watering my garden beds and checking the progress of my veggies.

If you look for the bright moments, you’ll find them in unexpected places and for me it was my garden.

The ironic part about this is the two garden beds we have were left at the rental house when our renters abandoned the property. They left tons of junk and two garden boxes in the garage. So in the midst of so much trash and stress, these two wooden frames were brought home and ended up being a quiet, restful part of the renovation mess.

I see you, God. I see you and your tiny gifts in hard, overwhelming things.

I see you seeing me.

As I immersed myself in becoming a full-time farmer, I had to buy a few things OF COURSE.

(Side note: Chris Graham HATES that I refer to myself as a farmer. I am well aware two garden boxes does not a farmer make, but I am living my best life in overalls and with a piece of straw hanging out of my mouth as I walk circles around my two small garden boxes. The more he protests my use of the word “farmer” the more I use it, because that is what marriage is all about.)

What’s weird about starting a garden is very quickly you’re planning new gardens and bigger gardens and perhaps within a few weeks you can live off the land and be completely off the grid? It gets very extreme very fast.

Except I can’t give up Amazon, so I think that means I’ll stay on the grid. Does Amazon count as on the grid? Who knows. Anyway here are some of my current favorite Amazon buys helping me to live my best country farmer life:

Rain gauge
I’m not going to lie, for years, I’ve seen people with rain gauges, and thought WHY? It’s 2018, people. You can just open an app on your phone and see how much it rained. But guys, now that I’m a legit farmer, I get it. Since I have raised beds, I don’t have the benefit of the ground water more traditional gardens have. I have to water my gardens once a day or things start to die. But if it rains! If it rains, I get the night off. But not just any rain, I need a very specific amount to be able to skip the watering so the rain gauge is really important. I don’t want to know how much rain my county had. I need to know how much rain this very specific spot in my backyard had and so OF COURSE I had to buy a rain gauge.

I get it now. I see why it’s necessary. So I hope to level-up and begin all telephone conversations with a discussion of the amount of rain fall we’ve had, but I am not there yet.

Rain barrel
Speaking of rain, I live on a well. Which for you city folks means lots of rain fills my well up and gives me plenty of water to use in the house. But if there’s not lots of rain or we’re going long periods of time between rain, my well is getting lower and lower. It takes pretty extreme conditions to get a well to a dangerously low level, but being frivolous with the water isn’t good either. So I bought a rain barrel, and Chris cut one of our gutter drains to fit directly on top of it so when it rains, half of all the water that hits our roofs runs into the rain barrel.

Obviously, this isn’t drinking water, but it’s perfect for watering my gardens and flowers. I read a million reviews before buying this one, and it seemed the only major complaint was it didn’t have tons of pressure if you hooked up a hose to it and tried to water a large distance from the barrel. We set ours up near the garden beds, and I just fill my watering canister from the barrel and then water that way. It’s been amazing, I’ve not run out of rain water all summer, and it’s been a great way to keep everything outside alive without using our well water.

(I understand those pictures aren’t really pretty or styled or blog-worthy, but being a farmer isn’t always about pretty pictures. Please understand I’m busy tending to the earth right now.)

Compost bin
Being a hardcore farmer means not squandering anything. So when I bring in my vegetables for dinner or weed the flower bed, I’m throwing all the yard waste into this compost bin with the hopes of using all the rich, smelly, nutritious soil to replenish my garden beds once things die and colder weather set in.

Coffee grounds, fruits, vegetables, weeds, dead flowers, and egg shells are slowly rotting and working their magic so that one day in the fall, I can spread all the rot on my gardens. It’s so gross but so amazing. I will say, I chose the WRONGGGGG spot to put this bin. I thought setting it near the garden would make it easier to run things outside from the kitchen, but it has attracted so many flies and gnats (duh, Mary) that once it’s emptied, I’ll be moving it away from the garden and the house.

Listen, even farmers have an off day, and I did not think that through.

Fake trees
This isn’t farmer related, but I love them so much so I’m throwing it in anyway. See those cute little green trees sitting on my front porch? They’re fake.

Shocking, right?

I’ve tried for years, at this house and our old one, to keep small shrubbery-type trees alive in pots. I love the look of it. But it’s freaking impossible for me to not kill them. Overwater? Check. Underwater? Check. Too much sun? Check. Not enough sun? Check.

So I ordered these from Amazon, planted them in my pots and covered them with real potting soil and I’ve been smug and happy about them ever since. I like to tell people they’re fake when the come to the front door, which I think defeats the purpose, but no one believes me when I say it.

You don’t have to tell everyone they’re fake if you get them, but I just get too excited to keep it to myself.

Charcoal grill
Actually, this isn’t mine. I’m squarely on the gas grill side of this argument, but someone I’m married to really wanted a charcoal grill. He got one for Father’s Day because when else should you get someone a gift they don’t need just to make them happy? So now Chris is slow cooking ribs and being obsessive about the smoke flavor in the hamburgers he’s making us for dinner. It’s kind of annoying, but us farmers have to be patient and sometimes that means with our farm hands.

(I can’t stop laughing that I just called my husband my “farm hand.” He’s going to love this post so, so much. Normally he edits before I hit “publish,” but I’m going to hope there are no typos and just let this one surprise him when he goes to the website. What a blessing it is to be married.)

That’s it for now–basically I just explained EVERYTHING you need to know to be a successful farmer and live off the land. Please refer any other questions to my farm hand, Chris Graham.

*DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED

A reminder about winter in the middle of summer

August 10, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

There will come a time this winter when I forget what summer feels like.

It will have been cold too long. There will be piles of snow lining the roads, and it will be turning black from tires and dirt. My toes will have been cold for months, never warming or getting enough blood to them.

And I will forget the existence of summer. I will forget what warm air feels like. I won’t recall how the sun feels. Driving with windows down and the smell of sweet corn from the fields will be unrecognizable.

This happens every year.

It will set in after the new year, once the shiny lights of the holidays have faded and the Christmas trees are dragged to the burn pile. We’ll settle into dark mornings, overcast days, and nightfall before 6:00 PM. The excitement of cooler temperatures will have faded, and the reality of winter will have covered like a wet blanket.

I forget good in the midst of hard. Suddenly when something isn’t enjoyable, I decide nothing has ever been enjoyable. Suddenly when something isn’t fun, I decide fun no longer exists and my life is terrible.

So now, right now, in the humid Indiana August, I am looking around to remember.

I’m walking barefoot around my garden beds to remember what warm ground feels like.

I’m closing my eyes as the lawn mower carries me across the yard to memorize the smells of fresh-cut grass.

I’m sitting on the back porch as the sun sets behind me even though it would be cooler outside.

At some point, I will want to be here in this moment and won’t be able to. At some point, it will be painful to breathe through my nose, the icy air cutting straight to my brain. So I sit on my lawn chair with sweat pooling on my back to impress the heat, the leaves, the smells into my being.

In famine, you forget about the feast. And in the feast, you can’t imagine ever being hungry again.

I am learning that life is rhythms, and it is always one way and never another. Until it is not that way suddenly. And then what was it like before?

Does paying attention more make it less painful later?

Does keeping your eyes open help you recall it better?

Right at this moment, things are quiet. There is no immediate danger or stress to live in and it feels scary. Could I tell you a million things I want to worry about or have questions about? Yes, absolutely. But that I am not currently living in a crisis situation, feels chaotic and out of control.

I have done this long enough to know this moment is just a lull, just a rest, before things go off the rails again. Do I know how it will be? Do I know what my next hard will look like?

Oh man, I sure wish.

But I don’t and you don’t either. You don’t know what the winter holds even as you soak up the summer. We don’t know what tragedy is to come as we rest for a moment, catching our breath on the sidelines before we’re shoved back into a game we’d rather not play.

I am writing about despair from a moment of contentment. Not to wish away the peace, but to acknowledge how wonderful it feels because I remember what it was like without it. Is this what growth looks like? Acknowledging the good, bracing for the bad, and knowing in either you will be okay if you just stay awake?

I am writing to future Mary right now. I am writing to future you, also:

Some time down the road, it will feel cold and dreary and lonely and hopeless. You will believe the lies that nothing ever gets better, that there could never be warmth and sun and lightness again. That would be a lie. You have experienced those things before and you will again. Winter does not last; spring will be here soon.

That it is not constant makes it all the sweeter when it arrives.

So right now, soak in the sun. Consume the warm air and sit quietly in the heat even if the air conditioning is calling your name. One day down the road, you’ll be glad you did.

Ignoring the Still

August 8, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

I could feel the exhaustion mounting.

We were spread too thin and doing too much. Sobriety is consuming and hard. It should be enough to focus on. Rebuilding a ruined marriage is slow and tedious. It is enough to consume you. Starting a new job with ten-hour work days is a shift in daily life. Figuring out new rhythms should have been enough.

But then we had a vacant rental property, a second mortgage to pay, and every free moment spent working on a house.

I imagined lots of things for this summer. Being overwhelmed remodeling a house was not one of them.

I started waking up from a full night’s sleep with a stiff neck and exhaustion. There were some weeks this summer Chris and I didn’t spend any waking moments together. While I slept, he worked. While I was awake, he was at the rental. While I cared for kids and ran errands, he slept.

We spent weekends filled with ten-hour days laboring at the rental. Chris worked. My dad worked. I worked. Occasionally my brother or mom or a friend worked.

My kids played in the tree in the front yard or laid in the grass reading books. It was a miserable summer for them. I struggled to balance spending all our time at this house (because time is money and the longer it took to get on the market, the more mortgage payments, water bills, and insurance we paid) and making their summer enjoyable. We asked a lot of Ellie and Harper this summer. They handled it better than most kids would have.

After a weekend working, I’d have intense back pain for a day or two. It felt like I couldn’t sit up straight, like my body wouldn’t support the stress and anxiety I was asking it to hold. But soon it would return to normal.

I reasoned it away with the amount of work we were doing and how tired I was all the time.

On a Thursday morning, I arrived at the house, handed the girls off to Chris’ sister who was taking them swimming, and spent hours on my hands and knees scrubbing and oiling the wood floors throughout the house.

With minutes to spare, Kaitlyn rolled up with her camera and her kids to take pictures for the real estate listing. She worked her magic, I packed up the last of our tools, and then went to pick up my grocery order at a nearby store.

A few hours later, we were on the road to Ohio for the trip to Kings Island we’d promised the girls. All summer, as we spent long, hot hours in a house without air conditioning (a/c costs money…money we didn’t want to spend) or wandering the aisles at the local home improvement stores, we dangled the carrot of King’s Island to the girls.

We’re getting so close to being done, we said. Only a few more weeks. Only a few more days. Only a few more hours. Only. Only. Only.

Our thank-you gift for a summer spent in absolute boredom would be rectified with roller coasters and junk food.

We all counted down the days, the magical time when the house was done and we were free to play.

And so with mere moments to spare, we closed up the house, sent the pictures to the realtor, and hit the highway.

By the time we pulled into the campground near Kings Island, we had the house listed and a request for the first showing.

The next day, my back gave out.

The physical and emotional weight I’d been carrying the last few months couldn’t be contained anymore, and it came spilling out in the form of a slipped disk and severely out-of-alignment spine.

I made it through outlet malls and family dinners and a day of King’s Island with some leftover pain medicine I happened to have from dental work last fall. Chris helped me get dressed in the morning and into pajamas at night. Getting into our raised camper bed felt insurmountable.

It felt utterly disappointing for my girls who had been so patient all summer to tell them I was in too much pain to stay. I sobbed just once, until my body shook and I dropped snot on Chris’ head as he helped my heavy and dead legs into pants.

What made it worse was I knew something was going to happen. I knew I was spread too thin. I knew I was pushing too hard, asking for too much, doing too much.

But I didn’t know how to stop.

So, instead I got stopped.

Is there a sliver lining to being unable to take deep breaths or get in a chair by yourself?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I wouldn’t say the past three weeks of slowing down have been restful or relaxing. Being unable to bend or lift things isn’t really a vacation. But a slipped disk will make you be still.

I hate being still, guys. Absolutely hate it.

He says, “Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

I’ve been refusing stillness for a while. Maybe even running from it. I always have the best intentions. I start my day with stillness. I start my heart with stillness. But the minute I get up from that green couch, I’m the opposite of stillness. I’m to-do lists and ideas and projects. I’m phone calls and meetings and let-me-just-run-to-the-store. I’m people and books and podcasts and Instagram.

There is no stillness there.

My mind and heart long for stillness. There is no confusion on what I should be doing. But my actions, my filled-to-the-brim days betray my mind and heart. I want one thing and then do another.

Until my body and my back and probably my God said ENOUGH.

And I was gifted stillness that comes only with pain and loss of control and helplessness.

The past week, I’ve been able to move around with a lot less pain. I’m starting to remember what standing straight feels like even though it takes me a little longer to get there. I’m able to use my abs to keep myself upright and then do things with my hands like make banana bread or fold laundry or water my garden.

It feels like the biggest gift.

But things are still fragile. I have to conserve energy. I have to filter what needs to be done through the limited time I have of being active before things fall apart again. If I feel too ambitious in the mornings, my afternoons and evenings will be spent repaying my back while stuck in bed. If I got cocky and put on my own pants, later I might not be able to get off the toilet.

It’s a fun game of checks and balances.

What’s important enough to do and what’s really not important.

Oh. Okay, I see what’s going on here.

Is my back telling me I was making too many things a priority and missing the point? Is my back God? I’m confusing myself right now.

He says, “Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

It’s hard to admit I could feel this coming. I run on high speed all the time, but this summer felt too much even for me. Dragging along a much-slower-paced husband and two disinterested kids and keeping up with too many things, I could feel my body and my mind revolting.

He says, “Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

How often do we push too hard? Running and rushing and knowing it’s not wise, but whispering to ourselves just one more time, just one more day and then we’ll slow down.

It sounds like addiction. It sounds like lack of health. It sounds like we can spot things so easily in others, but never ourselves.

I know what ignoring things does. So much of my life has been irreversibly impacted by ignoring and putting off and pretending.

He says, “Be still and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
-Psalm 46:10

I wonder when I’ll start listening to my body. I wonder when I’ll start listening to my God. I wonder when I’ll learn.

Rental Property: Before & After

July 26, 2018 By mary 4 Comments

We never meant to be landlords.

It was an accident, actually. Chris bought a house when he shouldn’t have. When we got married, we outgrew it quickly. The housing bubble burst, and the mortgage went upside down. So it became an investment property that never made us any money. Every year we did our taxes, we sat at a loss, having to replace the water heater or the air conditioner or the furnace or the air conditioner again.

While we never made any tangible income from year to year, our tenants were paying the mortgage payment each month and we were earning equity.

This went on for eleven years.

A few years ago, we realized we wanted to sell the property, but we had renters in the house who told us they never wanted to leave and kept renewing their lease each year. We didn’t want to kick them out so we just kept being landlords.

In May, those never-going-to-leave tenants abandoned the property without finishing out their lease. The wife texted me on a Tuesday afternoon, said they moved out the prior weekend, and would not be paying the rest of the rent due.

We got a lawyer, a lot of extra bills, and a disgusting house to care for.

Eight years of tenants who never did any upkeep or let us know when things were leaking or falling apart left us with an overwhelming mess. After the stress of the last year and how horrible last summer was, we were looking forward to quiet rest with a low key summer. Swimming, reading books, grilling on the patio for dinner–nothing loud or stressful or time consuming. (I even wrote about how lazy our summer was going to be here!)

But suddenly we had a second mortgage to cover, a 30-minute drive to a house that needed a complete overhaul, and no spare time.

The last two months have been hard. Between the financial stress of another mortgage and the investment fixing the house took, things have been tighter than I planned. Chris and I (and my dad) are more than capable of remodeling a house, but it takes time and energy–things we didn’t have much of with Chris working ten to eleven hours a day and kids home from school for the summer.

But we did it. Two months of long weekends and evenings at the house got that shithole into a beautiful, cozy house ready to sell. It was a blessing in disguise our renters disappeared when they did. While I would have said we didn’t have time or the resources to do this, we had exactly what we needed at just the right time to take care of everything that needed taken care of.

You’d think by now I would understand that’s how God works, but I am a slow, skeptical learner.

We listed the house last Thursday night as we headed out of town. We got showing requests almost instantly, and by Sunday afternoon we had an above-listing-price offer. We accepted and are now in the midst of inspections and appraisals and closing on the house.

The weight is slowly being lifted off. I don’t think I’ll believe it’s really over until we hand off the keys, but that we’re so close to being done with landlord status feels hopeful.

Often I don’t feel safe. I’m asked to do things I’m not ready for. I’m required to make choices without clear vision. I’m pushed to live outside my comfort zone and quiet safety.

This house has made everything feel unsafe and stressed. It felt physical, emotionally, and financially draining. We hoped it would sell quickly so we wouldn’t have to keep making two mortgage payments, but we didn’t actually know if it would happen. We just made daily choices about construction, remodeling, and bills hoping we were making wise choices that would benefit us later.

There’s a huge life lesson in that.

DANG IT. Why does everything have to be so hard and full of struggle and teachable?

Whatever. All I wanted to do was share some before-and-after pictures of the house. All I wanted to do was show you where we’ve been the past two months. All I wanted to do was show off some fresh paint and God was like, don’t forget what I did for you in this moment, and so I had to tell you that too. I can’t do anything without Him. Success or fail, He’s there. So, yes, here are some house pictures. But what didn’t show up on the images is God’s faithfulness in the unexpected journey of being landlords, and getting a house ready to sell.

OKAY. Pictures. Here’s what the house looked like once we got it cleaned out. It took us two weekends to empty it of trash, boxes, mattresses, junk, and filth. We paid a cleaning service to come and clean it before we even started work because it made me gag to be in there.

And the afters. These pictures are by Huff Photography so they just look better in general, but also, the house isn’t gross anymore so that helps too. We hired people to fix walls, ceilings, and paint everything, because it would have taken us weeks to get all of that done and professionals were able to do it in a week.

Want details? LUCKY YOU, here they are:

Interior paint: Every room is painted the same Olympus Gray SW 6253 from Sherwin-Williams. All trim and ceilings are just a standard, contractor white paint also from Sherwin-Williams.

Painters: We hired Mike Berry from All-American Painting. If you’re local, I highly recommend him.

Lighting: The kitchen light is from Home Depot (here). All other lighting is from Lowes. Master bedroom ceiling fan here. I can’t find the second bedroom light anywhere online; we got it in the store. Living room ceiling fan here. Patio light here.

Bathroom: We patched the existing tile and grout then painted Rust-Oleum Tub & Tile Refinishing Kit on it and the tub. It made it look brand new. It took two cans to complete the area; I originally ordered one hoping it would be enough. Don’t make that mistake, order two. From Lowes: toilet, vanity, faucet (this is the brushed nickel version; we used oil-rubbed bronze, but I can’t locate it online), mirror, vanity lights, vent. The flooring is American Olean Tranquil Stone in Warm Gray from Lowes with MAPEI Flexcolor Warm Gray Premixed grout (we also used this same gallon in the kitchen backsplash area).

Wood floors: We didn’t have in our budget to refinish the floors even though they were in desperate need of it. We used the Bona Hardwood Floor Care System to get them looking as good as we could. I cleaned everything with the Bona Hardwood Powerplus Deep Cleaner and then sealed them with the Bona Pro Series Hardwood Refinisher. I only had time for one coat, but each coat improves the shine and finish. This stuff is magical. (I strongly encourage you to buy the mop kit if you’re going to do this. I have it but accidentally left it at home so I scrubbed the floor and refinished it on my hands and knees. Please don’t do this. Just don’t.)

Kitchen flooring: Many of the original tile we put down in 2006 was damaged or coming up. We repaired or replaced all the broken pieces and then used a commercial-grade floor epoxy from Sherwin-Williams. This is not available at your local store, you have to visit the commercial warehouse to have it tinted and mixed. Also, it is NOT very cost effective. Ripping up the existing floor and redoing the whole thing would have taken us days which we didn’t have. So the extra money saved us tons of time. I would say just replace the floor if you have that option, but if not, this is what we used.

Kitchen backsplash: Standard subway tile sheets from Lowes with MAPEI Flexcolor Warm Gray Premixed grout.

Kitchen countertops: The countertops were structurally fine, but were really worn and faded in spots. We used Rust-Oleum Countertop Resurfacing Kit in Sandstone to paint them. It went on easily and as long as you use a foam roller to apply it, it goes on seamless and dries perfectly. If you don’t have new countertops in your budget, use this for an easy fix. (Disclosure: I don’t know how long these will hold up. Review sound favorable, but we are selling this house so we won’t actually live with this to see how the wear and tear goes.)

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

Not Terrible podcast + speaking our stories

July 9, 2018 By mary Leave a Comment

I never envisioned myself a podcaster, but here we are.

Wait, did I tell you I’m co-hosting a podcast with my friend Jess?

If you got my Monday Business Meeting emails you would know this. This isn’t to shame you, but if you’re not subscribed, really, what are you doing with your life?

Anyway, here’s what I wanted to tell you, and I felt it was important enough to write a short post about it: episode 4 of the Not Terrible podcast launches today, and it’s about addiction and alcoholism and marriage and what the past few years have been like for the Graham marriage.

I’ve written about that story for a while. I’ve shared lots of things in hopes of pointing to Jesus in the mess and the rebuilding—however that was going to look. But there are lots of parts you still haven’t heard. Some will be in the book (SUSPENSE!), and some are in the podcast today.

Writing my story is one thing. I get to edit, re-write, delete, and sit with my words for weeks or months or forever before publishing them for you to read.

Speaking them on a podcast is completely different. I don’t have the luxury of a well-crafted sentence or the delete button. Yes, we can (and do) edit the episodes before you hear them, but it’s still different. Scarier. Harder. Better. Worse.

I still struggle with parts of the story I’m living. You’ll hear me talk about some of that in the episode, but you’ll also hear me say there are some parts I can’t share yet. God is still writing new chapters, pruning and reshaping our lives even now.

Today Chris Graham has been sober 284 days. Over nine months without a drink. Over nine months facing fears, feeling emotions, saying difficult things. It is slow, exhausting work. It is good and worth every ounce of energy he’s giving it.

Would you listen to the podcast today? Would you pray for my husband, for my marriage, for the rebuilding?

Chris hasn’t listened to this episode. He’s not sure he will, and I’m not going to push him. The farther away he gets from the past few years and the drinking, the harder it is to stomach how he lived, what he did, and the choices he made. Shame and guilt are dangerous tools of the devil if you’re not watching out for them. So while Chris is okay with sharing our story, he doesn’t always want to hear it again. He lived it. He barely survived. He’s doing better now.

That’s enough for him.

**You can listen (and subscribe!) to the Not Terrible podcast on iTunes or this link. We’re still working on getting it uploaded onto other podcast apps so non-iPhone users can listen, but for now, if you go to that link and you don’t have an Apple product, you can listen through any computer.

Photography by Huff Photography

In the hills of West Virginia, on a hot, hot weekend in July

July 8, 2018 By mary Leave a Comment

Chris’ younger brother joined the Marines after high school and, when he finished, never made his way back to Indianapolis. On the east coast, he found a new life, a wife, and a family so we don’t get to see him very often now.

In 2017, Mike and Kristin had their first child, a girl named Savannah.

Kids change the game.

Nothing makes the passage of time more apparent or in-your-face than kids growing. In the blink of an eye, they’re big. Ask me how I know this.

There are more Graham kids than just ours now, and we want those kids to know each other. So we headed east last week, and the other Grahams headed west, and we met in the hills of West Virginia for a long weekend of camping.

At night, we sat around the campfire. In the morning, we sat around the picnic table with coffee. In between we biked and walked and sidewalk-chalked and grilled and swam and floated and ice-creamed.

Savannah decided Harper was the bee’s knees and did everything she could to keep up.

Ellie looks like her daddy, and Savannah looks like her daddy so we compared their noses and cheeks and eyes. We marveled at how genetics work, and I told Kristin you have to wait until the second baby to get one that resembles you in the slightest.

West Virginia was hot so we escaped to the cold air conditioning of our camper, thankful for the extra space and the luxury. We spent the weekend covered in sand, sticky no matter how many showers we took, and happy.

The past twelve months have brought a lot of changes to Chris’ family. Graham kids started to say things they remember, things they’d like to forget. They started learning about each other and what they experienced–both together and separate–which has shaped them as adults. Adult children of alcoholics carry a weight with them.

And while it’s not my story to share, but I can tell you (with a million stories to back it up) that it takes just one person to stop hiding and that change becomes like dynamite, blowing up all the lies and denial and pretend-safety a whole family was operating in.

After Mike fulfilled his commitment to the military, he moved farther up the east coast. He had met a girl and wasn’t ready to come home just yet. I think, unintentionally, the decision to not come back to Indy saved him. Sometimes the best medicine is distance.

I’d say it is intriguing Mike and Chris both married strong, opinionated women. Kristin and I are alike in more ways than not. I’m sure psychologists wouldn’t call it intriguing, they’d call it stereotypical and then explain why it worked that way. I’m not smart enough to analyze it or, frankly, very interested in it. But it’s there: they married similar women.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the legacy we’re bringing these Graham babies into. But I’m also really hopeful. Cycles and secrets and shame only continue in the dark, in the shadows, in the enablers, and in the manipulators. But once it’s all been exposed, there’s space to start again.

So in the hills of West Virginia, on a hot, hot weekend in July, the Graham boys brought their wives and babies to a campground to talk about what went wrong, what went right, and what we do with it all. And I think—I pray—that’s what change starts with.

Details about our trip:
-We stayed at the Huntington-Fire Fox KOA in Milton, West Virginia. While I normally rave about KOAs, I was not impressed with this one and wouldn’t recommend you stay there. We were close to a small town, local restaurants, and a few cute ice cream shops, but the campground was kinda crappy. I’d stay somewhere else if you’re around Milton.
-We ate ice cream at The Twist in Milton, and it was perfect on a hot summer day. Most of the Yelp reviews were not favorable, but most complaints were about the time it took to get your food, not the actual food. So we chanced it, had a great experience, and would go back if we’re ever in the area again.
-Milton is also home to the Blenko Glass Company, and it’s definitely worth a visit. You can take a self-guided tour and watch the workers blow glass in a bazillion degree factory. It’s mesmorizing to watch and even though you think your face will melt off, I would go back again. The girls got glass souvenirs from their amazing showroom. You could drop some cash in that place. If you bring kids, make sure to take them to the register with you, they let the kids pick out a handful of marbles as a parting gift.

Summer Travel Must-Haves

July 4, 2018 By mary Leave a Comment

I hope you’re traveling this summer.

Whether it’s across town, to the neighboring state, or across the world, I hope you have the opportunity to go somewhere new, see something different, and be someone else for a minute. There are a million reasons to travel, but those three are near the top of the list for me.

We’re on the road right now, somewhere in the hills of West Virginia with our dog and our camper. We don’t have any grand plans this summer, just short three-to-four day trips as Chris settles in at a new job. We were in New Orleans in March and in October we head to Florida, but for now, it’s just quicker drives and longer weekends.

As I was packing the car and camper last week, I realized my favorite travel items are probably things everyone should know about because they make our trips easier, keep stress to a minimum, and help us have a good time while we’re away from home. I think that’s a goal everyone has when they’re gone so I’m sharing my very-limited amount of travel wisdom here for your reading pleasure.

What I LOVE to travel with:

-Phone tripod
Listen, I don’t own a selfie stick and I never will. I have principles and standards and I just cannot handle a selfie stick. There I said it. BUT I will allow a phone tripod (like this one) to hold my phone if we need to take a family picture with all for of us. A selfie stick feels like it’s all about me, but a tripod feels like it’s about including everyone. That’s how my brain works. Deal with it.

-the book Road Food: An Eater’s Guide Across American & the Yelp app
I’ve shared this before, but our travel rule is we eat where the locals eat. I want to explore new restaurants and fall in love with food I can’t get at home. Remembering a location by a great place to eat is fun for us so we pick restaurants one of two ways: with the Road Food by Jane and Michael Stern or the Yelp app on our phone. The Sterns traveled the country writing this book well before the internet told you all the great hole-in-the-wall treasures available so there’s something nostalgic about carrying this book in our car and checking to see if we’ll be near any of the places. There are only about 3-5 places per state (if that) so more often than not, we use the Yelp app on our phone to see what’s nearby and what the people are saying. We have never had a bad dining experience as we stick to four and five star spots. People are brutally honest with their review on Yelp and I really appreciate it. I still remember the ONE time we went to a Mexican restaurant near a place we were staying in Washington, DC and didn’t check Yelp. It was disgusting. A bad food experience sticks with you. Yelp for safety, guys.

-a really comfortable maxi dress
Okay, maybe it’s a muu-muu. There I said it, I like to travel in muu-muus. But here’s the thing, all that good food? All that sitting in the car while getting to your destination? You don’t feel your best, leanest self on vacation. Enter: GIANT DRESSES. I don’t think I really need to convince you, but here goes: they’re amazing to travel in, they work as bathing suit coverups, you can sleep in them, you can wear them to dinner and look like you care about your appearance, and, once again, they’re amazing to travel in. I might even be wearing one as you read this. Go check Instagram. (This is my favorite black one I wear all summer long. I use this one as a cover up. Or you could just search muu-muu on Amazon because the options are endless.)

-Redbox movies
I know all the fancy people download movies to tablets and let their kids watch them, but we don’t do that. I’m pretty much anti-iPad if you haven’t picked that up yet. But traveling for long distances without some kind of electronic is also really hard. Yes, kids can do it, generations before us traveled across the United States without so much as a Walkman, but we do let our kids watch a few movies when we travel. We sprinkle Redbox movies (found at most gas stations or McDonald’s restaurants) in with coloring, reading, playing, and staring out the window wishing you weren’t stuck in a car. It’s all about moderation, and the $1.50 movie rental is a perfect addition to our long hours in the car.

-DJI Osmo Mobile
I take a million pictures when we travel, but rarely do I take longer videos like my parents did back in the day. I’ll share snippets to my Instagram Stories, but I’m not really taking videos that would equate to the home movies my parents made during my childhood. Am I alone in this? Do you find yourself recording longer videos when you travel? When we went to New Orleans in the spring, I got to test out the DJI Osmo Mobile compliments of Verizon, and I couldn’t believe how easy it was to remember to take longer videos as we traveled and how professional they looked. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m *really* good at taking shaky videos that make viewers want to barf, but with the Osmo Mobile, it steadies your hand and your cell phone so you can take amazing videos that look like you had a camera crew with you on vacation. Plus, the app lets you edit videos to share instantly so you can make everyone at home jealous with your adventures.

-Chatbooks app for your drive home
I shared this in an email before, but I still love it so much and think you will too. Chatbooks are a great way to finally get all those pictures off your phone and in physical form. I have the app on my phone and while we’re on the road heading back to Indiana, I’ll upload the pictures I want to print onto a private Instagram account and then let the Chatbooks app put them in book form. (Side note: don’t do this on your regular Instagram account that people follow, THAT IS SUPER ANNOYING. I will unfollow you in three seconds flat if you post multiple pictures a day or use Instagram like a Facebook album. THEY’RE NOT THE SAME THING. And if you want to upload all of pictures for something fun like Chatbooks, make a new, private account that no one has to scroll through then just pick one or two favs for the public, follower account. I’m serious. We don’t want to see all your vacation pictures on Instagram. Stop it.) You can also use Chatbooks through Facebook so you don’t have to have an IG account at all. I print a 6×6 book after every trip and it becomes a scrapbook of our adventure we can grab off the shelf anytime we want to reminisce. If you use this link, you’ll get your first book free and I’ll earn $5 toward my next one which is a win-win in my book.

What about you? What’s on your must-have travel list? Anything you can’t live without that the rest of the class needs to know?

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THIS IS A SPONSORED POST, BUT OPINIONS ARE MINE. AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR SUPPORTING THE BUSINESSES THAT SUPPORT THIS SPACE.

38 Books in 2018: Progress Check

June 30, 2018 By mary 3 Comments

At the beginning of the year, I shared 38 books I wanted to read in 2018. I did this for a number of reasons, but the main one was I have too many books.

Now I’m not really complaining about that, I love books and one day I imagine I will die a tragic, untimely death when a bookshelf I’ve crammed with too many books tips over and crushes me. But I was starting to accumulate too many books I hadn’t yet read. And that is a problem. This week I rearranged my office and moved books around, and I have at least 50 to-read books, not counting the ones I started this 2018 list with. So I’m working really hard to stop buying books and read through the ones I already own.

Hence the 38 books I wanted to read this year.

Shocking announcement: did you know the year is half over?? I know. Sit down if you need to. I can’t believe it either. But since it really is, I thought I’d check in on my book progress. I’m no math scholar, but if my calculator is correct, I should be done with about 19 books at this point to stay on track to be done by the end of the year.

Let’s see where I’m at…

Parenting books
Battlefield of the Mind For Kids by Joyce Meyer
Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid’s Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World by Marybeth Hicks
13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do: Raising Self-Assured Children and Training Their Brains for a Life of Happiness, Meaning, and Success by Amy Morin
Bringing Up Girls: Practical Advice and Encouragement For Those Shaping the Next Generation of Women by Dr. James Dobson

-GUYS. I haven’t read ANY of those books! I’m a failure. This post was the worst idea of all time. I need to quit writing and go read books immediately.

Enneagram books
The Sacred Enneagram: Finding Your Unique Path to Spiritual Growth by Christopher L. Heuertz
The Road Back to You Study Guide by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (I read the book last fall, but my friends and I are going through it together and we’re using this guide.)
The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective by Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert

-I finished the study guide with friends a few months ago. I don’t know about other people who study and learn about the Enneagram, but for me, I read and re-read the same books over and over to let them sink in. Technically I read the Rohr book already but I want to re-visit it again and again.

Quiet time books or studies
(I’m finishing ~~The Daily Bible~~ by the end of January. Yes, I am taking thirteen months to read the Bible in a year. *high five* When I’m done, I’ll be using these for my morning Bible study time.)
The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
30 Days to Peace: A One-Month Creative Journal
~~30 Days to Joy: A One-Month Creative Journal~~
The Most Misused Verses in the Bible by Eric J. Bargerhuff (reading this one right now)
Out of Context: How to Avoid Misinterpreting the Bible by Richard Schultz
The Most Misused Stories in the Bible: Surprising Ways Popular Bible Stories are Misunderstood by Eric J. Bargerhuff
Write the Word: Cultivate Renewal by Lara Casey (working through this one right now too)
~~She Reads Truth: Romans~~

-These are the books I’m using for my morning quiet time this year. Slowly working my way through them, some I’m enjoying more than others, but being consistent in setting aside a part of my morning to get quiet in the Word is something I’ve never regretted making space for.

Fiction/Memoir/Poetry books
My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry by Fredrik Backman
Church of the Small Things by Melanie Shankle
Glitter and Glue by Kelly Corrigan
The Astronaut Wives Club by Lily Koppel
The Sun and Her Flowers by Rupi Kaur (taking this one with us camping this weekend to read)
The Postmistress by Sarah Blake
Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance
Shrill by Lindy West
Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh
What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding by Kristin Newman

Writing + creative books
The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield
The Art of Memoir by Mary Karr
Handling the Truth: On the Writing of Memoir by Beth Kephart
Blog Inc.: Blogging for Passion, Profit, and to Create Community by Joy Deangdeelert Cho
On Writing by Stephen King (I’ve read this before and want to re-read it.)
On Writing Well by William Zinsser (I read this in college but want to re-read it as well.)

-Well, that’s embarrassing. None from this list either. I’ll be honest and say I’m struggling to enjoy a bit of summer with my kids being home but also begin to focus more on writing and creating every day. Whenever I have a busy day and didn’t get to “work” I tell myself August will be go-time. So that’s what I’m saying about these books too. August is time for business and these books feel like my professional homework for August.

Self-Help + healing books
Safe People: How to Find Relationships That are Good for You by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Coud & Dr. John Townsend (I read this last year and want to visit it again.)
Not Quite Healed by Cecil Murphey & Gary Roe
Getting the Love You Want Workbook by Harville Hendrix (Chris and I will do this together; we haven’t read the book it goes with so we might have to add that to the list at some point.)

-I have decided not to do the Getting the Love You Want workbook. I got some recommendations for better, more current books for Chris and I to do so I donated this one to our local thrift shop. I’m going to let someone else get the love they want. I’m starting the van der Kolk book soon for an upcoming podcast episode and a few of these are re-reads, but I think I needed a break from so much emotional baggage work after last year. I’ll be ready for these soon, I think.

Official book progress count: 12 out of 38 completed, 3 in progress right now.

So I’m a little behind.

Here’s a secret: I’ve been reading other books too. Like a lot of other books. According to my IG book account where I share glimpses of what I’m reading, I’ve read 34 books not on this list in 2018.

I am a cheater and a fraud. What is the point of a list if I keep ignoring it?

But on the flip side, this is the absolute best problem to have. Too many books and too much reading. And now, when that overflowing bookcase finally falls over and crushed me to death, I can die happy.

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**Hey, if hearing about books is your thing, my monthly book review and recommendation email is going out on Monday–sign up to get a list of books to read and to definitely not read sent directly to your inbox once a month!**

Maybe we’re just not listening

June 28, 2018 By mary 2 Comments

How do we know what the weather will be? Ellie asked as we were driving down a bumpy country road.

The weather people go to college to learn about weather patterns and then they make predictions. So it’s really an educated guess, because we don’t really know exactly what God has in store with the weather, I replied.

She processed through this thought for a minute then replied almost to herself, Maybe He’s telling us and we’re just not listening.

I kept driving, and we settled into silence as her words sunk in.

She’s probably right. Not specifically about the weather, but about God, about how He’s probably communicating with us more than we realize, about how we’re not paying attention enough to hear it.

Greg Boyle in Barking to the Choir says, “When imagining the sacred, we think of church sanctuary instead of living room; chalice instead of cup; ordained male priest instead of, well, ourselves. But lo–which is to say look–right before your eyes, the holy is happening, even if you are hesitant to believe it.”

We think God can speak to us in church, but we never think He can speak to us as we drive down 1000 North heading toward the city for dinner. He can speak to us in the quiet, but of course He can’t speak to us in the loud room full of children and chaos.

But what if He can and He is and we’re just not paying attention? What if we’re just not listening?

I’d say our phones make it hard for us to see.

I’d say our televisions make it hard for us to hear.

I’d say our schedules make it hard for us to notice.

I’d say our relationships make it hard for us to be aware.

If we took the word “luck” out of our vocabulary and replaced it with “God showing off” or “God reminding me He’s caring for me,” we’d start to become more aware of the everyday spots He’s showing up and clamoring for our attention.

Luck says no one is paying attention or in control. Showing off says my Father sees me.

Luck says I don’t matter and this coincidence doesn’t mean anything. He’s caring for me says I matter.

Sometimes the luck-that’s-not-really-luck is just for our joy or thrill too. If you’re a parent, you know how amazing it feels to make your kid smile or laugh. The Father is the same way, taking joy when He fills us with wonder or thrill.

Maybe He’s telling us and we’re just not listening.

Allowing our eyes to be wide and our ears to be open takes practice. We live in a world consumed with distracting us. Our society says do more, talk more, fill every moment with noise and living.

And that’s how we drown out His presence and His voice, when we leave no space for it. Of course He’s telling us things, we’re not here to do this alone, but we think we have to. And if we’re never really listening and looking for Him, are we experiencing everything we’re made to?

It’s easy to talk about sin and its hold on us when it’s pornography, when it’s pride, when it’s addiction or love of money. But the Enemy is sneakier than we could ever imagine; what if his biggest scheme of all is keeping us busy, blind, and deaf? How likely are we to truly understand God’s authority or power or wonder if we aren’t even paying attention enough to realize its extent? The Enemy can easily keep us quiet about something we only vaguely know about and rarely see.

Maybe He’s telling us and we’re just not listening.

I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, we were told God was pretty black and white. He spoke to us through prophets, but they’re all dead now. He did miracles, but those are all in the Bible. He might move your spirit, but you’ll need to be in church for that.

Little tiny box, meet our God.

God, meet our little tiny box.

Once we got Him in that box, our eyes got used to seeing only what we thought we should see and our ears got used to hearing only what others told us we should hear. But that’s not how God works. It’s not how He works in the Bible stories we read so we can infer that’s not how He works now.

We know God’s character doesn’t change, He is the same today, tomorrow, and forevermore. So if we take that truth and apply it to our lives today, we know He’s still speaking to us through wise men and women, He’s still doing miracles every day, and He’s still talking to us if we listen.

Maybe He’s telling us and we’re just not listening.

If this sounds crazy to you, don’t take my word for it. I’m not that smart, I’m just telling you what has been evident in my life through studying Scripture and pursuing a relationship with Him. I’m not doing anything special or unique. I’m not doing anything not available to everyone else.

“I don’t think the way you think.
    The way you work isn’t the way I work.”
        God’s Decree.
“For as the sky soars high above earth,
    so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
    and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
    and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
    producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
    not come back empty-handed.
They’ll do the work I sent them to do,
    they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.
-Isaiah 55:8-11, The Message version

If God’s telling us He doesn’t work the same way we work, why do we keep looking for Him in the same places we’d be? If God’s telling us His thinking is beyond our thinking, why do we keep assuming we know what’s on His mind and what He’ll do?

Maybe He’s telling us and we’re just not listening.

I think listening starts with knowledge. You can’t hear what you aren’t aware of. So we begin listening to His Word, getting to know God’s character and love, and then we see and hear differently. Better. More like Him.

Then, maybe, when He is telling us things, we will be better at listening.

Mary Graham

Trusty Chucks Blog

A different kind of August

I’m a farmer now, here’s how you can be one too.

(I understand those pictures aren’t really pretty or styled or blog-worthy, but being a farmer isn’t always about pretty pictures. Please understand I’m busy tending to the earth right now.)

*DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED

A reminder about winter in the middle of summer

Ignoring the Still

Rental Property: Before & After

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

Not Terrible podcast + speaking our stories

In the hills of West Virginia, on a hot, hot weekend in July

Summer Travel Must-Haves

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

THIS IS A SPONSORED POST, BUT OPINIONS ARE MINE. AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR SUPPORTING THE BUSINESSES THAT SUPPORT THIS SPACE.

38 Books in 2018: Progress Check

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

Maybe we’re just not listening

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