Mary Graham

Trusty Chucks Blog

Merry Christmas from the Grahams

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It felt too big to mention, so we just posed for pictures and laughed.

Then Kaitlyn mentioned it: that she was so glad to be doing this again, with all of us, after the past two years, after last year’s pictures without Chris. And it felt like everyone exhaled and time froze for just a moment as the gravity of not-together and together sank in.

The road back to this moment has been rocky and exhausting. But here we are: the girls in their Hogwarts costumes; Chris with his mustache comb (when did this happen?); all of us full of peace and gratitude and miracles.

Christmas 2018 is not what we imagined. It’s better and lighter, quieter and calmer. There is still much work to do, many hard things ahead, and unknowns that feel scary, but we’re together, we’re safe, and we’ve got well-combed mustaches (both Chris and I). And for that we’re thankful.

Merry Christmas from the Graham family.

Photography by Huff Photography. Christmas card from Basic Invite; there’s still time to get your order in with 30% off–go here for all the details.

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25 gifts for anyone on your list

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We’re not in emergency shopping range yet, but we’re getting down to the wire. Do you still have people on your list you’re struggling to buy for?

*Enter this list of things Mary loves or has bought for others that were a hit*

Here’s the background on gift lists: I love when people share what they’ve buying or have received. It helps me give better gifts. But if you’ve been around here for a while, you might see a few things pop up more than once. That’s because I really only tell you to buy things I have experience with: things I currently own and love, things I have purchased for others, things I know are good.

I could easily just select cool things off the internet (where there are endless cool things) and tell you to buy them. But I’m not that exciting or creative. I’m sure you have your own awesome wish list from the world wide web. This is stuff I’ve spent my own money on or things that have been gifted to me that I think were great gifts.

So what I’m saying is, you can trust me. I tried to include something for everyone–except little babies–I didn’t come up with any good baby stuff because I don’t have any babies right now and I’m not really shopping for any either.

I’ve included links to Amazon because it’s easiest for me, but get them wherever you love to shop. I’m not the boss of you.

Makeup brushes
I could watch YouTube and Instagram makeup videos all day. I won’t actually do what they’re teaching me, but I like watching it. Kind of like the Olympics, I’m amazed someone can train like that as I watch from my couch with snacks. But I have learned the importance of some makeup brushes. You could buy this for any female and win Christmas. Bonus points if you buy it for a teen who happens to love getting fancy to take selfies in their bedroom.

Magnatiles
My girls asked for more of these for Christmas. Harper got a set last year, and I’ve heard for almost twelve months that they needed more because they can’t make a whole town with the ones they have. We do a family gift on Christmas morning (last year it was a few boxes of puzzles to work on), and I don’t normally take requests for it, but I’m ordering another set for them. There are lots of different options so don’t click the link and roll your eyes at the $100 set. That’s not what I bought last year, and it is not what I will be buying this year either.

State-shaped cutting board
This is fun gift for anyone who loves to entertain or is obsessed with kitchen stuff (I fall into both of those categories). Or maybe you need a hostess gift for a party you’re attending? This would be an amazing teacher gift too.

Cozy Minimal Home book
If I didn’t have this, I would add it to my own Christmas list. It’s full of practical and realistic advice for making our homes cozier without just cramming them full of stuff. It’s helped me see my house differently and her practice of “quieting” a room has helped me calm some spaces that I knew felt off, but I could never figure out why. If you need a gift for someone who loves home decorating or designing, this would be a perfect gift. (Also, a good hostess gift!)

Electric blanket
All the Graham girls LOVE an electric blanket. Ellie and Harper’s rooms are a little drafty in the winter so buying them electric blankets last winter changed their lives. There’s nothing more decadent than climbing into a warm bed in the middle of a freezing cold room. You could also keep one on the couch if you’ve got a drafty living space. Basically, who doesn’t need an electric blanket? (Unless you live somewhere warm year round–then I strongly dislike you and please keep your smugness to yourself.)

Bungee cord kit
You know what guys like? Bungee cords. They like strapping things to the roof of their cars. They like bungee cords for all household answers. They’re good for camping. Bungee cords are the new duct tape. You can never have enough bungee cords, just ask Chris Graham.

Diffuser
I’m not here to sell you oils. Yes, I use them. No, I don’t want to hear about your team opportunities or about switching brands. But I do think everyone should have a diffuser. We just oils primarily through diffusing. We have them in our bedrooms, the kitchen, and in my office. I have one at the studio too. We diffuse when the air feels dry, when we have stuffy noses, when we’re stressed, when we need some help sleeping. Diffusers can also be used as humidifiers–just fill them with water and add moisture to the room.

Bluetooth speaker lightbulb
I got this last year (two years ago?) at a Favorite Things party, and still think it’s such a great gift. Getting one for a kid means they can have a color-changing lightbulb in their room which feels magical. Because it’s bluetooth, you can stream music through it and so it’s good for bathrooms or kitchens too. I kept one in my home office and when we moved into a new space, it came with us. We use it for background noise when we host events and it’s just fun to have a strobe light in the office.

Smart plug
I know some people just think smart plugs are lazy. Wait, you don’t want to turn that lamp on so you do it with your phone or voice? But it’s more than that. We put our Christmas tree on a smart plug so we can use the timer function then not worry about climbing behind the tree to plug it in. We have a few lamps on smart plugs too; every morning, the one by my couch comes on a 6 AM so I can wander down with my coffee and read my Bible. When we travel, I like to randomly turn lights on when we’re not home and I can do that through the app. Yes, we still use our fat, lazy hands to turn some lights on–that’s not what the smart plug is about.

Sharpies
Who doesn’t love a fresh package of Sharpies? NO ONE. No one hates Sharpies. It’s against the law–these are good for teacher gifts, teenager gifts, mom gifts, dad gifts, and friend gifts. When in doubt, a new package of colorful sharpies (or all black! I always need black ones!) is an easy win.

3D Sandbox kit
I got this for my nephew this year. My sister was thrilled when he opened it. Your friends and family will be too if you give this moldable sandbox with dinosaurs. It’s a good sensory gift, plus it’s just fun. Can’t go outside to play in the sand? Bring the sand inside. A gift only a butthole would give. And I’m totally a butthole.

Wallet clip
Chris currently carries his license and bank card in a clear ID tag cover. It’s embarrassing, but he refuses to stop because he hates all wallets he finds–they’re all too bulky for his tiny butt cheek. A while ago, I heard John for Young House Love Has a Podcast talking about this wallet and how much he loved it. So now Chris is getting it for Christmas. He doesn’t know this yet, so I hope he started reading this post and then gave up at the diffuser paragraph.

Set of bamboo kitchen spoons
Okay, technically, I have not bought these yet. I’m working on downsizing and getting rid of things and I realllllly want to get rid of all my kitchen utensils and buy these. But that makes NO sense because all my current utensils are perfectly fine. So I need you to buy this pretty set of bamboo utensils and give them to someone. I follow a girl on Instagram who loves them and I trust everyone on the internet.

Wool socks
I gave these colorful wool socks as part of my Favorite Things gift this year. They’re machine washable, comfortable, and warm–a perfect stocking stuffer or friend gift. You didn’t ask this question, but as someone with big feet who often doesn’t like the cute socks everyone sells because my giant feet don’t fit them well, these actually fit! Finding a sock where my heel actually goes to the colorful triangle where your heel is supposed to be doesn’t happen often. (Bonus gift idea: I also gave everyone a silk pillowcase because I’m obsessed with mine. It sounds like an old lady gift, but it’s not, I promise. Just Google why you should sleep on one and then make the switch.)

Echo Dot
We’ve been in a relationship with Alexa for over a year now and things are differently getting more serious. We have two: one in the kitchen and one in our bedroom. Music, weather, and answering random questions are how we use her most of the time, but she’s hooked up to the smart plugs too so she can turn on lights when we need. Ellie asked for one this year; I like that she can listen to music without taking an iPad into her room (where she occasionally plays games without permission…) and we can sync the Echo Dots to talk to each other without yelling across the house.

NIV study Bible
I’m still telling everyone to use this Bible to read the Bible from beginning to end. The research, history, and explanations help make sense of things in understandable language and easy connections. I don’t think this would be a great beginner Bible–it might get overwhelming and confusing if someone is coming in with very little Bible knowledge–but for someone looking for a new Bible study, I’d highly recommend you gifting this to them and encouraging them to spend 2019 falling in love with God’s Word.

Rose water facial spray
Stocking stuffer, friend gift, hostess gift: this rose water facial spray is light and subtle. I don’t like the smell of roses (or most floral smells), but this is tolerable and fresh. I spray it on in the morning with a cotton ball, and it just feels refreshing. I don’t think anyone will be upset if this little bottle shows up under the tree.

Camping hammock
Don’t limit this camping hammock to just camping. Yes, you can use it in the wilderness, but it’s also good for the backyard, the college kid who loves the quad at school, or for an afternoon at the park. I think everyone should own a hammock; this one folds up easily, is portable, and has amazing reviews on Amazon. We have two similar ones for camping, and between the girls and Chris, someone is always in them.

Succulents
Even if you only have black thumbs, I think a few succulents can be a good gift. This five-pack from Amazon is less than $16. You could order them and then give them as small gifts to friends, co-workers, or teachers. If you know someone who can’t keep them alive, tell them to water them twice a month with about 1/4 cup of water. That’s it. My motto is you can never have enough plants.

Himalayan salt lamp
Okay, yes, this might seem a little too woo-woo for some people, but using a salt lamp gives a really pretty, subtle glow so if the supposed health benefits feel too fake for you, just give one as a gift because they’re pretty. We have a salt lamp night light in our bathroom and it gives off just enough light to see in the middle of the night without making the room feel lit up.

Instax MINI camera
Full disclosure: this film isn’t cheap, but the camera is so fun, it’s still a great gift idea. You won’t use this as your everyday camera (that’s what your phone is for), but if you’ve got a trip planned or have a gathering with friends, keeping this camera on hand to instantly print fun pictures would be fun. Ellie is always asking me to print pictures and I never get around to it, so she got one of these for Christmas. Film is pricey, but using it to print pictures for her bulletin board or her future locker is exciting for her. Plus, they have these fun photo accessory kits that feel a little like 2018’s version of scrapbooking. This is a great pre-teen or teen gift.

Melissa and Doug horse stable set
My nephew is obsessed with Spirit (a cartoon on Netflix). So when I found this stable and horse set, I knew he needed it. If you’ve got a toddler who loves that show or animals, this will be a hit, I promise. The carrying case makes it good for travel, but keeping it at home is good too. I shared this on Instagram when I bought it and so many people said their kids had it and loved it too.

Mixing bowls and measuring set
I ordered this for myself (don’t mind if I do…) on Prime Day in the spring. Seven months later, I still love it and use it often. This bowl and measuring set would be a good gift for someone who camps, for  someone who is just starting to fill their kitchen, or for someone who needs a mixing bowl upgrade. It’s all good in the dishwasher too which is important for someone like me who refuses to use it if I can’t put it in the dishwasher.

Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
I came across a copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends at a thrift store this summer and could not believe I had never thought to buy it for the girls. I loved Shel Silverstein as a kid, and he’s a timeless author kids still love. This is a perfect book to keep on the coffee table or nightstand because you can read a poem or two in a relatively short amount of time. They’re silly and fun with just enough artwork to keep younger kids engaged.

Mini waffle maker
At nine years old, Ellie is really starting to show an interest in being in the kitchen and making food. For Easter, she got a mini pancake maker in her basket and she’s used it about once a week since. I actually wish I had bought her this waffle maker version instead though–it’s more versatile than the pancake one. A mini waffle maker is a perfect way to let kids help in the kitchen without having to brave the stove or oven yet.

Okay, that’s it–now you can get your shopping done and spend the rest of December being smug and eating cookies while everyone else scrambles to finish their lists. *pats self on the back*

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

all the sweets for Christmas

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There’s nothing better than a weekend of baking as the holidays approach. I know some would disagree, but those are not my people.

At Christmas I love feeding people sweets. I love buying holiday containers, filling them with sugary treats, and dropping them off on the porches of my friends. I love showing up to holiday parties with a boxes of baked goods. I love eating cookies in December like it is my job.

If this is also your jam, I present to you my favorite ways to fill a holiday goodie box:
(I’m sure you have your own go-tos because this is not a new idea. I’m just sharing mine because they’re better than yours. Just kidding. I’m sure yours are good-ish.)

Chocolate Chip Cookies
No, not just any chocolate chip cookie. You have to make THESE cookies. Don’t change the recipe, don’t do any substitutions. Add as much air as possible to the wet ingredients and then just mix the least amount of times as possible as you add the dry ingredients. Semi-sweet chocolate chips only. Listen, I don’t know many things but I know chocolate chip cookies. Do this recipe, bake them until they’re just barely done, and the people will never be the same.

This is a very powerful cookie. Please be careful with your new power.

(The next three treats are where the girls get in on the action. Dipping things in chocolate is a gift from God. Amen.)

Chocolate-Dipped Pretzel Rods
Buy a few bags of pretzel rods because you don’t realize how many are broken until you specifically need unbroken ones for chocolate-dipped pretzel rods. Plus, there might be some snacking while you dip. There is no such thing as too many sprinkles, so hoard them all year long for this sprinkle party.

Chocolate-Dipped Oreos
Speaking of sprinkle party, we’re dipping Oreos in chocolate and throwing sprinkles on them too. I do both chocolate and white chocolate, but the white chocolate are normally the first to go. No one can turn down an Oreo; adding in more chocolate cannot be wrong. (We’ve done this multiple ways: with sticks to look like lollipops, half dipping, and full dipping. Do whatever your heart desires.)

Rolo Pretzels
I don’t think you can go wrong with salt and chocolate so I throw in some Rolo pretzels to fill in the empty spots in the cookie box.

Sugar cookies
I know everyone has their favorite recipe (or store-bought cookie dough), but I’m going to need you to make this one. Before I share it, please know I’m not a fan of buying a vat of lard (also known as shortening), but you’re going to need to, and it will work out wonderfully.

Cream:
1/2 cup shortening
1/4 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs

Combine in a separate bowl:
2 and 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt

Combine wet and dry ingredients. Cover dough and let it chill in the fridge for at least one hour (overnight is best). Roll out to 1/4 in. thickness, cut into shapes, and bake at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes. They’ll burn fast so pay attention. The thicker the dough the softer they end up so don’t make them too thin. Double the recipe if you want more cookies, don’t make the dough thinner. Then cool and ice with your favorite icing.

That’s it. I’ve done other random cookies (like these white chocolate cranberry oatmeal cookies) when I’ve been feeling extra, but these are my standbys. Find a cute cookie box or container and start packing! Just as I’m closing the box of sweets, I like to throw in candy cane Kisses. Because what this package needs is just a little more chocolate.

Happy baking!

 

P.S. If you’re feeling extra festive, throw in a mini loaf of this banana bread (always do the vinegar/milk substitute for the buttermilk, please and thank you), and make this zesty Chex Mix too.

Zesty Chex Mix
3 cups of each cereal (rice, wheat, corn Chex)
8 Tbsp. melted butter or margarine
3 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
2 Tbsp. seasoned salt
1 tsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. onion powder

*add in nuts, pretzels, etc. as you prefer. We don’t like nuts in it, but pretzel sticks are a must.
*Heat the over to 250 degrees. Spread the mixture on a baking sheet baking for 60 minutes total, taking it out every 15 minutes to stir. (You can also microwave instead of baking, do 3-4 rounds of five minutes, stirring the bowl in between.) Cool on newspaper. This is salty and bold, if you’re going to be in someone’s face or on a first date in a few days, skip this one for now. We’re addicted to it, but it’s not for the weak.

 

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

13 books I’d give to anyone for Christmas

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Buying a book for someone else is tricky.

We don’t all like the same things. We don’t all enjoy the same genres. We don’t all laugh at the same jokes.

But what if there were some fool-proof books you could give almost anyone and they’d love?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Before I begin, if you give someone one of these books and they don’t like it, it probably means they have horrible taste in books and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I know good books. I stand by this list and it will never be my fault for someone not clicking with one of them.

Okay, now we can begin:

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty
I read this years ago and still think about it often. Doughty is a mortician whose life mission is to make us rethink our traditions and customs of honoring the dead. I loved this book; it’s full of research, stories from around the world, and honest discussion about the way we’ve created a culture afraid of the dead bodies of our loved ones.

Rosemary: The Hidden Kennedy Sister by Kate Clifford Larson
As someone who doesn’t have any real interest in the Kennedy family, this book was engaging and interesting from beginning to end. The bigger story of our mistreatment and misunderstanding of mental illness and differently-abled people will break your heart and, hopefully, reframe the way you think and talk about God’s children the world often deems second class.

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris (or any Sedaris book, really)
This is not Sedaris’ first book, but it’s the first one I read as a sophomore in college so it holds a special place in my heart. Me Talk Pretty One Day is a collection of essays about his childhood and family. As a writer, I respect this book for the craft; as a reader, I love his voice and family, the way he paints such authentic, flawed people with love and honesty.

All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr
This book is about two children, a blind girl and a young soldier, whose paths cross in occupied France during World War II. All the Light We Cannot See is such a well-written story, the talent and dedication it takes to tell such a moving fiction is awe-inspiring. I haven’t met anyone who didn’t love this book.

Made You Up by Francesca Zappia
I’m throwing a little young adult fiction on the list because I will forever work against the stereotype that the label YA makes it childish or not valid for the adult reader. I participated in an adult book club read of Made You Up with my local library and sitting in a room full of elderly adults discussing this moving book made my heart so happy. Of course some YA literature isn’t engaging for adults, but this one is, so don’t write it off because of the genre.

A Man Called Ove by Fredrick Backman
I made my dad read this book, and he begrudgingly did it. We read very different things and while he won’t say he loved it, I can tell in his eyes he did. A Man Called Ove is about a crumedgeon who seems to hate everyone. Underneath his grumpy exterior is sadness and pain, so as the reader gets to know Ove, you can’t help but fall in love with him even though you want to strangle him. The storytelling and character development in this one is beautiful to witness.


The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
I couldn’t put a gift list together without a side of social justice. I think The New Jim Crow should be required reading for everyone in America. Reading this well-researched and thought-provoking book about mass incarceration in the US will change your perspective on how race influences our criminal “justice” system. This will push lots of us to confront some bias and privilege we tend to ignore.

Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits–to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life by Gretchen Rubin
Want to feel pumped and excited for the new year? Grab this book. If you’ve got someone on your list who loves self-improvement and self-help and encouragement, Better Than Before is the perfect gift. I listened to the audio version on the treadmill every morning, and I felt so inspired. There’s good stuff for everyone in this one.

Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J.D. Vance
There are two groups of people who read this book: people who see themselves in the Vance family and those who know people who are the Vance family. Either way, Hillbilly Elegy is a frank and honest look at the upwardly mobile white lower class struggles. Race and class in American is so twisty and complicated, and if we want to talk openly about all the parts, we all need to read this book.

Sh*t My Dad Says by Justin Halpern
If you’ve been here for a while you know I recommend this book on all my gift lists. It’s just funny. Leave it on the coffee table and let the people laugh. If you’re a sensitive Nelly who doesn’t like curse words, you’ll want to sit this one out, but otherwise, it’s an entertaining and fun book that most (non-prudish) people will enjoy.

Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World by Bob Goff
Children’s version: Love Does by Bob Goff and Lindsey Goff Viducich
We all feel ordinary and stuck sometimes. In Love Does, Goff helps us change our perspective from boring to exciting with a call to see and interact in our world differently. This book feels happy and joyful and life-giving in a way we can all relate to.

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
You didn’t think I’d make a book-buying list without including this one, did you? If I was asked one book outside of the Bible that got me through the roughest year of my life, it would be The Road Back to You. Seeing myself through the lens of the Enneagram began a journey of work and healing, both for myself and my marriage, that I’m not sure would have happened otherwise. It feels crazy to say this book filled in blanks that were killing me in ways I wasn’t yet aware, but it’s the truth. I seriously do give this book to everyone, and I think you should too.

Remember: If you buy one of these books and the receiver doesn’t like it, it means they’re tasteless chumps who wouldn’t know a good book if it bit them in the butt. Because these are good great books everyone should love.

Have a good one to add to the list? What book would you give to anyone because you love it so much? Help us spread good books!

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Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

Christmas + Recovery

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As the holidays rolled around last year, Chris was baby-stepping the first days of sobriety. He had completed treatment and was living in a halfway house with limited time at home. When Thanksgiving rolled around, he was allowed–for the first time–to spend the night at our house. Before that, he had only been granted an eight hour visit one day a week.

He was easing back into the real world with all the freedoms that entailed but with better boundaries and different eyes.

The holiday season is overflowing with parties, dinners, dates with out-of-town friends, and family gatherings that center around alcohol. Even if you’re not one to drink or you come from a family of non-drinkers, everyone is around more alcohol this time of year.

And that means the holidays are really hard and really dangerous for a lot of people, especially those in early sobriety. Family dynamics, social settings, stress, and peer pressure are ever-present triggers exacerbated in December.

So what do we do? What do we do if we’re in early sobriety and gearing up for the season? What do we do if we’re trying to support those in early sobriety? What do we do if we will be around a loved one who struggles with alcohol?

First of all, thanks for asking. Pretending this doesn’t exist only hurts ourselves and the people we love; talking about situations before they become a reality sets everyone up for success.

You might have to skip some events.
You know which events I’m talking about. I don’t even need to point this one out. Christmas party with the open bar? Might be too tempting. Night at the bar with college friends? Might not be a good time. Listen, I get that it’s hard to miss fun things, and that sounds like the opposite of fun, but this isn’t forever. The more sobriety you have under your belt, the better you’ll be in situations with alcohol, but for now, it might be a bad choice. It’s important to remember that whatever is happening right now in this moment doesn’t mean it’s forever. But if there’s a chance you might slip up, why risk it?

Sometimes a place just isn’t safe. If you’re in early sobriety, the list of places you shouldn’t go might be really long. It won’t always be like this, but for the time being, there is no guilt in skipping something for the sake of sobriety. If you’re the loved one whose party or gathering is being skipped, please chill on the feelings of abandonment and insult. This isn’t forever. Your party probably isn’t even that good. (Just kidding. Maybe.) But if someone is vulnerable and shares they’re not attending something because everything feels too fragile–it’s not about you, so get over yourself.

You might have to ask for new traditions.
Alcoholics love a routine: get home from work, crack up a beer; survive a busy week, drinks on Friday; watching a movie, cold drink in hand. Addict brains thrive on ritual and when you try to do one of your normal habits without the drink, your brain fights against your choice. Fighting against your own brain is hard and, especially in the beginning, you might not win. So don’t tempt yourself with the same places and the same people and the same celebrations you spent years drinking at. People who want you healthy will eagerly change things up and those who don’t eagerly change might not be safe for you anyway.

You might have to let go of some relationships.
Healthy people don’t become alcoholics. Healthy people don’t become addicts. And depending on when these behaviors started, it might be time to remove some family or friends from the inner circle. I know that’s hard and it sounds painful, but some triggers and wounds can’t be handled or healed with a little sobriety. Chris has chosen to remove himself from unhealthy family relationships because they’re too dangerous. This wasn’t easy, but it was also necessary. Through rehab and therapy, it became apparent that some relationships were just too damaged and unsafe. This isn’t a decision he made lightly, and it was met with a lot of uninformed people trying to shame him into changing his mind. People in recovery don’t have to explain their decisions on their way to sobriety. You don’t either.

You might have to make an event alcohol-free.
If you’re trying to love and support someone who struggles with alcohol, someone who is trying to make better choices, please consider making an event alcohol-free. Arguments like “but we always have wine with dinner!” or “he just doesn’t have to drink!” aren’t helpful. If you can’t celebrate a holiday or hold an event without alcohol, maybe spend some time figuring out why that is. I’m not talking about making the company Christmas party dry, but if it’s Christmas Eve and your immediate family can’t gather without everyone drinking, maybe have some honest conversations about what that says about your interactions and level of health. (Remember this post is about helping alcoholics or supporting people who are working on sobriety; this is not a general conversation about healthy, non-alcoholics having a drink with the Christmas ham or while playing games with the grandkids.) If you’ve got tons of excuses as to why this won’t work for the short-term while someone needs extra encouragement to get healthy, I’d look closely at the definition of enabler and see if you can connect some dots.

You might have to take breaks.
Even the healthiest person can’t always tolerate all the cheer and relatives and noise at the holidays. Add in a newly-sober person whose nerve-endings and emotions are frazzled and you’ve got an anxiety party for one. Before you head to the event (or before you host the event), figure out some breaks. Where can you go to get a minute? Who can you be around that won’t ask stupid questions or make awkward small talk? Need a code word or secret handshake to signal it’s time to go? (I’m sorry, that’s not really a legit thing, but if you could create a secret handshake before your next Christmas party and then let me know you did it, I would die of laughter and joy.) But seriously, you know your triggers, you know who gets on your nerves, and you know who’s going to say something dumb you’ll want to punch. Prepare yourself ahead of time so you’re not left with drinking as your only coping strategy.

You might need to find a safe person to be your wingman (wingwoman).
Addictions of every kind thrive in secret shame. If you or someone you know has made shaky first steps to get rid of the shame and share their struggles honestly, they’re telling you they want your support and they trust you. Take this responsibility serious. You’re not in charge of their sobriety. But you can encourage them in places or at times they feel less than confident. It’s an honor to stand by someone who wants better.

You might have to speak up.
Once again for the people in the back: alcoholism loves shame and secrets and guilt, but you get to refuse those things and tell people what’s happening. Not everyone. We all know people who aren’t safe, who could help you justify your behaviors, who enable instead of help. But you don’t have to keep it to yourself either. Let a few co-workers know you’re trying a sober holiday. Tell your cousins you’re working on yourself and want to do it sober. You can say lots of 2018 fluffy things to ward off some pressure and weird looks. You might not have a lot of confidence in yourself, but pretending you got this is half the battle.

If you’re doing this holiday season sober for the first time: I’m so proud of you, and I know you can do it. One moment at a time, one day at a time. Go to meetings every day if you need to. The holidays will be done before you know it and the pride you’ll have from surviving this season is inexplicable. You’ve got this.

If you’re willing to be a safe person for someone in recovery this holiday season: Remember, this is not about you. This isn’t the time to have deep, hard conversations with someone in recovery. Give them space to breathe; changes you make this year aren’t forever, but could help a recovering person feel loved and supported. Don’t make a big deal, don’t put on a show of how great you are. Just do it and move on. Again, it’s not about you.

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Best Christmas cards for 2018

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The calendar says ‘December’ so we can all finally agree it’s the Christmas season. I don’t know what side of the November-Christmas season you’re on, but in December, we’re all on the same team again.

Hallelujah.

This week is all about Christmas on the blog, in our house, and in my heart. Cheesy, but VERY TRUE.

First on the list of holiday prep for many people is ordering their holiday cards. Whether you’re in charge of the company Christmas cards, putting your extended family on a New Year’s card, or you’re continuing your tradition of featuring your cute dog on the Hanukkah card, Basic Invite has you covered.

I’ve ordered our Christmas cards from lots of different companies over the years, and I have to admit all companies are not created equal. With Basic Invite you don’t have to worry about not getting the best Christmas cards. They’re printing cards on quality paper and to make sure you love what you’re getting, you can even request a sample card before pulling the trigger on the whole box.

Basic Invite also offers almost unlimited colors. One of the hardest things for me about picking holiday cards is making sure the picture I want to use looks good visually with the card I’ve selected. People creating those cards are amazing, but sometimes I want a different color font or border. With Basic Invite, once you select a design you can change the color of each element on the card to over 180 different color options so you can make sure the card is exactly how you want it down to the littlest detail. That’s some extreme customer service right there.

Confession time: I have a friend who orders cards every year but often doesn’t get them addressed and mailed because she just runs out of time. SHE ORDERS THE CARDS AND NEVER SENDS THEM.

This is a tragedy.

As soon as I learned of Basic Invite and their address capturing service, I texted my friend to let her know someone has solved her time problem. Here’s how it works: You share a link on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other form of social media to request your friends’ and family’s addresses which will be stored in your account and can then be selected during the design process. Basic Invite offers recipient address printing at no cost on all Christmas card orders.

No more ordering the cards and then rushing to get them mailed. Added bonus: They have over 40 envelope colors (all with peel-and-seal closures) to choose from so if you don’t want your holiday card to get lost in the stack of bills and junk mail, go with a bright, festive color to stand out. (I love a green envelope, if you want my unnecessary opinion on envelopes.)

Basic Invite has thought of every detail.

Right now Basic Invite is offering 30% off your order with coupon code: holi30

Later this month, I’ll share what card we picked as our family Christmas card. They turned out so good, I can’t wait to share what we got. Until then, it’s your turn! Pick your favorite and order them today before the holiday card sale ends. Then make sure you send one to me, because it’s Christmas and it’s the right thing to do.

 

*Disclosure: This is a sponsored post, but all opinions are mine.

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Preparing our hearts for the holidays

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I am here for Christmas.
I am here for early Christmas decorations.
I am here for obnoxious Christmas music.
I am here for Christmas socks and earrings and scarves.

All good sense goes out the window during the Christmas season.

It’s fun. But as I slowly wade into the deep, deep waters of red and green and tinsel, I wonder what parts say “Christian” and what parts say “world.”

Because truthfully, the line might get fuzzy sometimes.

Be very careful, then, how you live–not as unwise, but as wise,
making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.
Ephesians 5:15-16

I worry about what I’m doing during this season that is wise and what is unwise. Don’t get me wrong, God loves a celebration and a feast just as much as the next guy, but I wonder if in the name of Jesus, we take things too far–going the wrong way–and forget the point.

I’m talking about myself right now, obviously.

If I was standing outside of my life looking in (a la Ebenezer Scrooge and A Christmas Carol), would I be able to tell I’m a Jesus follower celebrating the birth of my Savior or just partaking in the American traditions of Christmas, void of any real meaning or religious importance?

Huh.

I’ve been wrestling with this for years now. For me, it started with questioning the amount of gifts we were giving the girls and how much consumerism we seemed to be encouraging in our house. All the way back in 2011 (when Ellie was two and Harper was nine months old), I realized we were being inundated with things we didn’t need, clothes they would never wear, and toys they never played with. We were privileged enough to not have a lot of needs and our wants seemed to be excessive as well. Soon after the 2011 Christmas season, we began to handle birthday celebrations and Christmas gift-giving differently.

I didn’t want to go into debt giving people gifts to show we cared, and I knew people were spending money they didn’t have on gifts for our family.

There was no Jesus in that nonsense, and it needed to stop.

Seven years into this intentional journey of celebrating a Christian holiday in a world working hard to take the Jesus part out of it, we’re a lot more aware of our tendencies and how to prepare for the holidays with a focus on our Savior. We’re still evolving and working through this. We’re still losing focus and getting caught up in the wrong things, but we’re also better at course-corrections. We do some very specific things to keep our lists, expectations, and focus in check. I’m sharing them, not because I demand you do the same, but to encourage you to see your holiday traditions and routines through the lens of Christ-in-a-manger and what would change if that was the first thing you worked on celebrating. It will look different for all of us. It will look different based on what gifts and talents God has given you and your family. But for us, it looks like this:

Tithe first
I know it’s easy to skip it this time of year, but I prayerfully ask you to not. Obedience is worship and if we want to do our holidays different than the non-Christian, we’ve got to make sure we’re giving our tithe before we do anything else. It’s so tempting to spend that ten percent elsewhere because there are so many things to buy or contribute to, but this year, don’t skip the tithe and see what God can do with your obedience.

Stick to the four-gift rule
It’s something I came across on Pinterest years ago and we’ve followed some variation of it since 2012. You give your kids four gifts: one thing they want, one thing they need, one thing they wear, and one thing they read. For the wear, we’ve changed it to one outfit plus winter boots. For the read, they normally each get a set of books. They also get Christmas Eve boxes and stockings full of junk so it’s more than enough gifts for our girls.

Simple is best
As we’ve tightened our circle for healthy boundaries and survival, we’ve whittled down our gift list as well. When we understand love isn’t determined by how much money we spend on a gift or how many gift cards we pass out, the need to impress people vanishes. A chunk of our Christmas budget is spent on cards to send to everyone we love and, for most people, that’s all you’re getting from us. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We love you, we are thankful for your friendship, we are thinking of you, and here’s a pretty picture of us smiling for you. The end.

Less social media during the holidays
The quickest way to feel like our traditions, our decorations, our family meals aren’t enough? See someone else’s Instagram or Facebook posts. My head knows full well that those magical pictures are probably staged and pretend, but my heart doesn’t always remember. If I want to be more joyful and less distracted by what the internet tells me I’m lacking, I have to intentionally put down my phone during the next month or so. If Jesus came to take away my sins, I’m not going to the internet where greed, jealousy, and competition fester.

An easy way to keep myself in check as we go through this holiday season is to ask, “Are my holiday preparations and celebrations any different than a non-believers?” And if the answer is no, I start looking for ways to change that.

I have a special word of caution for you who are sure that you have it all together yourselves and, because you know God’s revealed Word inside and out, feel qualified to guide others through their blind alleys and dark nights and confused emotions to God. While you are guiding others, who is going to guide you? I’m quite serious. While preaching “Don’t steal!” are you going to rob people blind? Who would suspect you? The same with adultery. The same with idolatry. You can get by with almost anything if you front it with eloquent talk about God and his law. The line from Scripture, “It’s because of you Jews that the outsiders are down on God,” shows it’s an old problem that isn’t going to go away. -Romans 2:18-24, The Message

You can get by with anything if you front it with eloquent talk about God and his law.

You mean thousands of years ago people were using God and His law to get away with ungodly things and it turned outsiders off to God?

Who knew.

I think that’s the same with how Christians do holidays. If we’re not doing anything different than the world, but claiming all our celebrations and spending and glitter are about Jesus, people aren’t going to see that following Jesus transforms us. If we’re not behaving differently or spending our resources differently, people aren’t going to be drawn to what we’re presenting because it is everything they already have.

With enough out-of-context Scripture quoting and inspirational Jesus decorations, we can make anything seem about worship and obedience while actually being empty and selfish.

I don’t know the right answer to the tension we should be acknowledging and living in, but ignoring it seems wrong. We are called and set apart for His glory, not ours, and if we get too wrapped up in the world’s Christmas celebrations instead of Christ’s, it would seem we’re actually showing people how to live in the world and not with Christ.

What does this mean for your house? What does it mean for my family? It means we keep asking questions and re-evaluating. It means we don’t allow some things in, and we purposefully do others. I’m not sure our gift rule is where everyone starts. But I am sure all of us start with tithing and being aware of who we let influence our holidays, and it will take us on a never-ending journey to more Jesus and less world.

At least that’s my hope and prayer for my family. And yours too.

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9 Amazon gifts I’m loving right now

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In July my steady teacher paycheck stopped and so did my thoughtless Amazon purchases. They weren’t that justified before, but now, with no salary and a new “self-employed” title, I needed to get it together fast.

But I still wanted things. *face palm*

I wasn’t willing to take on debt for the things I wanted.

I wasn’t willing to skip groceries for the week to get the things I wanted.

So I started counting down the days until my birthday. In October, I’d have some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket, and I needed to be prepared.

For months I took screenshots of things I found online, things people shared I was interested in, or things I read about and then searched out on Amazon. I created a little visual wish list, if you will.

Then one night in October, I sat on the couch as my kids watched a movie and went through the screenshots. Some of the things didn’t interest me anymore so I deleted them with no regrets. But some of the things still called to me, had been calling to me for months, so I carefully placed them in my Amazon cart and watched the total. I had $125 to spend and, while I didn’t want to spend all of it just because I had it, I knew what I wanted and if I could get it all, I would.

It wasn’t impulse purchasing. It was birthday shopping, money meant for me and only me. When the girls were younger and things were a lot tighter as we were still working to pay off debt, some of this money would have been spent on our family, our bills, or put in the bank.

But not this time. This time it was all mine. *insert evil laugh here*

I’d spent the week leading up to this evening on the couch purging our house of belongings and excess. I didn’t want to live in a house overflowing with clothes and toys and junk we didn’t need. So I was aware as I put things in my shopping cart to not just replace things I had recently gotten rid of. The goal of purging was to live with less, not an excuse to buy new, better things.

In the end, I spent $114 exactly. Here’s what I got and why you might be interested in them too:

 

Jade roller
I’m closer to 40 than 30. While I am not too concerned about the state of my skin yet, I know the day is closer than I’d like so when I started hearing about using a jade roller to help with the look and tightness of your skin, I was all ears. I don’t want expensive potions and lotions. I won’t ever shoot my face with poison to combat wrinkles, but I will roll my face with a cool stone every night before bed in hopes of delaying saggy jowls.

Sunglasses
I’m one of those weirdos who can own just one pair of sunglasses for years without losing them or buying a second pair. This is odd, I get it. The pair I’ve had for the past year and a half have started to fall apart so I’ve been on the hunt for a new pair. These (I got the two pack, brown and black) had really good reviews and were recommended by a girl I follow on IG. Apparently they’re some designer knock-offs, but I have no idea who/what they’re stealing from because that doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Anyway, I got these glasses, they’re oversized and wonderful. So now I own two pairs of sunglasses which makes me feel like the fanciest person in all the land.

Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May, MD
I haven’t started reading this one yet, but my friend Laura read it and when she finished it (early one weekday morning), she texted me immediately to tell me to buy it. So I did. I’m excited to find time to read it soon.

Cozy Minimalist Home: More Style, Less Stuff by Myquinllin Smith
With the current purge going on at our house, I bought a book about having less stuff…because I love irony and mixed messages. BUT SERIOUSLY. I love Smith’s first book (The Nesting Place), and found it full of relatable design and home ideas so when her new book about creating a cozy home with less things came out, I was all in. This is going to be my Thanksgiving break read–I’m looking forward to spending early mornings by the fire flipping through it.

Reusable straws
Please be impressed with my concern for our environment.

Also, that’s not why I ordered these, but I am fine with pretending. Every morning I make my way down to the kitchen and chug a big cup of water. Normally 16-20 ounces just as quick as I can to get it over with. I have two cups I do this with and one of them doesn’t have a straw. I can’t drink all that water fast without a straw so I ordered this set. I couldn’t order just one straw, but now that we have them, we’re using them all the time. The girls use them with cups at home, and once I went to Wendy’s and they forgot to give me a straw so I used a stainless steel straw in my Diet Coke which made me feel very smug and smart.

Black leggings
Please give me all of your attention. This is really important, we need to talk about black leggings. I *know* you can get them anywhere–the gas station, Lulu Lemon, Costco, the Dollar Store–but these are it for me. I’ve tried lots of legging and I’m verrrrry picky. I refuse to pay a fortune. I don’t want a thin elastic band around my middle because it’s unflattering. I need them to be long enough for my very long legs. I won’t wear them with a short shirt, but I still want to feel safe about their thickness if my butt shows. High-waisted is a plus. They can’t be see-through. They must hold up all day and not get saggy. They can’t pill after a few washes.

THIS IS A LONG LIST OF DEMANDS.

But these leggings do it. They’re almost too good to be true and I hesitate to share them with you because what if they go out of stock? It would be a national tragedy. But in the spirit of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” I’m telling you to buy these leggings. Probably a few pairs, if I’m being honest. When they arrived, I wore them every single day for a week. Not kidding; Monday through Friday and then I slept in them on Friday night because I am dedicated to research and development before I share with my readers. And maybe a little lazy too, but mostly just really dedicated. They didn’t get saggy, they never lost their shape, they didn’t get weird in the crotch. They’re like the holy grail of leggings, and I’m getting more for Christmas so leave a few pairs of the larges for me, please and thank you.

Satin pillowcases
After I roll my face with a rock (please see the jade roller paragraph above), I go to sleep on my satin pillowcase like the princess I am.  I’m sleeping on a satin pillow case because I’m a grandma, it’s better for my hair, and it’s easier on my skin too. Mostly my nighttime ritual has ruined all thoughts of romance for Chris Graham, but at least I’ll look younger than my peers.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
This book has been on my list for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger. I shall read it and give you a review in my monthly newsletter, but if you’re going through hard stuff or want to support someone who is, I think this one might be a good one.

Did I just help you start your Christmas list? Yes, yes, I did.

*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

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The happiest place on earth

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We ended the week at Disney World.

After Universal, we stayed at the campground on Wednesday to do laundry, swim, and take naps. We knew the next two days were going to be full so taking a day off to recover felt necessary. (Another sign of a family of introverts: we have to take fun breaks or we don’t survive.)

We woke up Thursday morning energized and ready to go. This was going to be our longest day all week because we were doing the Magic Kingdom from 9 AM to 6 PM then Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween party from 7 PM to midnight.

We travel with our dog, Blue, and because this day was going to be too long for him to stay inside, we booked him a reservation at Disney’s doggie daycare, Best Friends Pet Care. He spent the day playing with friends and going on long walks on the beach…just kidding, no beach. I just felt that sentence had to end that way. So we played at Disney for fifteen hours on Thursday and Blue lounged at the dog spa.

Not popular confession: I liked Disney, but I don’t really have the desire to go back anytime soon.

I KNOW.

Please sit down and breathe into a paper bag.

Don’t get me wrong, it was fun. We loved the two days we were there and there were lots of things we didn’t get to see or do. But it just seems like so much hype and money and chaos–it’s not the way I like to vacation. I don’t regret the trip at all, but we’ve been lots of really great places (a ski resort in Michigan, Yellowstone National Park, the Florida coast) and I don’t think Disney was any more special or exciting than any of those.

Plus, our goal of all fifty states by the time the girls graduate won’t happen if we do the same trips again and again.

Was Disney a bummer? Absolutely not. We loved it. We loved the old school rides and the brand new Toy Story section. We loved the crew members and the live shows. I’m so glad we went. The girls were the perfect ages (seven and nine) so they didn’t tire easily and they’ll remember this forever.

I’m glad we’re home. I’m glad we can mark it off the list. I’m glad next time we can go explore some other new place. And you can bet I started planning our next trip on the way home from Florida.

*To see how we prepared for the trip, check out this post.
*To see the first part of our week at Universal, go here.

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We solemnly swear we are up to no good.

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It was a once-in-a-lifetime trip.

Universal Studios and Disney World over fall break felt impossible. We travel often, but we do it on a budget. We pull the camper to stay inexpensively. We eat out, but we also eat at the campsite a lot. We see new things but most of them are free or nearly-free. We’re committed to showing the girls all fifty states, but also saving for college and so we do it carefully.

Universal Studios and Disney World felt too frivolous.

Universal Studios and Disney World felt too out of reach.

But then our renters abandoned our rental property, we spent all summer (and all our money) getting it ready to sell, and when it sold above asking price in a hot market, we suddenly had the money to do something we thought could never happen.

So before I share all the fun stuff we did over fall break, I feel it’s important to say we know this extravagant trip was a gift from God. The God we serve was showing off when the house sold and He was showing off with the extra money we were given. This trip was never going to be a reality for us. It’s not the way we choose to spend our money, and I’m too responsible to spend money on a vacation if I know we need to use that money elsewhere.

Being a financially responsible adult is the cross I bear.

God has been showing off in 2018 and this trip is an example of that.

OKAY, ENOUGH OF THAT. WE WENT ON A MAGICAL TRIP AND HERE’S WHAT WE DID:

We pulled the camper 1000 miles to the KOA Kampground in Orlando. (If you can book early enough, Disney has a campground that is amazing: Fort Wilderness Resort). We broke up the trip over two days because travel with a camper, two kids, and a dog is sloooooow. We boondock while traveling to our destination so while we don’t have electricity (or heat…or air conditioning…), we also don’t have to pay for a site. We stay in Wal-Mart parking lots surrounded by other campers and road-trippers in well-lit lots with security cameras. I know it might sound shady, but it’s legit and lots of people do it. Drive by a Wal-mart located near an interstate late at night sometime and count how many campers or semis you see in the back of the parking lot.

We stayed at the Orlando/Kissimmee KOA for the week. Six nights of campground fees cost us $416 which compared to a week at hotel is shockingly good. Before you get too excited though, I’ll mention driving your minivan to Florida costs at least 50% less than what pulling a camper with a giant SUV does. So we save money with the camper, but it also costs much more to get it down there. (But for us, it’s still less than a hotel bill which makes it worth it.)

The Orlando/Kissimmee KOA is about 15 minutes from Universal and 10 minutes from Disney World so it was the perfect spot for a week spent visiting both places.

We got to the campground and settled in on Sunday afternoon then rested up for Universal first thing Monday morning. I feel like Disney people will be insulted to read this, but we were most excited for Universal because of Harry Potter.

The girls knew we were going to Florida for fall break but didn’t know we were doing anything specific. We told them we’d be near a beach and just relaxing, so on Sunday morning as we neared Orlando, we broke the news to them, and Ellie lost her little mind.

She was excited for the trip, but I, having held in this surprise since April, was even more excited. It is not a competition, but if it was, I WOULD HAVE WON.

We did two days at Universal with the park-to-park pass going between Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios. (You can check out this post to see why we needed it for all the Harry Potter experiences.) I had prepared so much for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter that I sorta forgot there was other things at the park. I’m so serious–we walked into  Springfield home of the Simpsons and I was just shocked that it existed.

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter is magical. I’m not sure I have words to adequately describe how surreal it is. I’m not a Harry Potter super fan; I love it because Ellie loves it so much, and I love it because of what it does to her, but even I was overwhelmed at times during the Harry Potter experiences. It actually feels like you’re in the books and Hogwarts is real. The attention to detail was inspiring, and I don’t know how to describe the joy I felt getting to take Ellie there and seeing her excitement. It was worth every single penny we spent.

If I could go back and prepare more for the trip, I would have paid attention to all the movie experiences we’d be a part of. My kids rode the E.T. ride with NO IDEA what the movie was about; I was so disappointed in myself. We shot aliens and saved the world with the Men in Black, but my girls didn’t understand why they zapped our memory with a light at the end.

We are failing our children with all the movies they haven’t seen.

If you’re planning a trip to Universal Studios, I’d recommend introducing your kids to
The Simpsons
Marvel Superheros
The Blues Brothers (duh, ours already knew this movie really well *high five*)
Popeye
King Kong
Jurassic Park
Harry Potter (I feel like this is a given…)
Dr. Seuss
Despicable Me
Spongebob Squarepants (gag)
Shrek
Transformers
Revenge of the Mummy
Fast & Furious
Men in Black
Woody Woodpecker
Curious George
Barney
An American Tale with Fievel

Okay, so your kids probably know the more current cartoon characters and some of these aren’t appropriate for younger kids, but you get the idea. We came home with a list of movies to watch so the girls could see why the rides and experiences were so awesome.

Going over fall break made the crowds a lot more manageable. We didn’t wait in a line more than 30 minutes and everything seemed to move fast. It was really hot all week–like record-setting highs for October–so that made the days a little less comfortable, but in Indiana it was freezing rain and nasty so I’m not going to spend any time complaining.

Tomorrow: Disney World!

*To see how we prepared for the trip, check out this post.

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