I don’t normally run out of words, but right now, I’m completely empty. I’ve been betrayed by the one person who isn’t supposed to betray you. And finding out your life has been a lie empties you fast. I never understood what it meant when people said they felt “dead inside”–I can now say with full confidence that I completely understand.
I want to feel sorry for myself, but I can’t even feel that. I think I might be in shock. I left Indiana with a husband and child for a family vacation. I came back with a child and a separation heading toward divorce. And it literally took less than a minute for everything to blow up. In a blink of an eye, there went my marriage. There went my trust, my best friend, my forever.
And what hurts the most is that he knew he was running out of chances. That things had to get better, that he had to stop lying, that he had to start being real. But the only thing he was real about was being a really good fake. And he is so selfish. I can’t imagine hurting my spouse like he has hurt me, but I can’t even comprehend being willing to lose my child over my own desires. Weak desires that just brought down a family.
And right now, I don’t understand forgiveness. I don’t get being able to move on from this. There has to be a time when chances run out and I can’t keep living a certain way so my daughter has a daddy around. I would be miserable. And suspicious. And a babysitter. And those aren’t things I want in my marriage. So I’m deciding not to have a marriage.
And that is so painful.
And so embarrassing.
And I am so scared.