Hey, I’m Mary. I assume someone sent you here because you’re in the midst of some hard stuff, and I might have gone through (and am still going through) something similar.
Let me start by saying: I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you.
Second thing: You are going to survive this. It is not a question, it is a bold statement of trust in a God who sees you right now as things are falling apart and who is already in the future where you are being rebuilt. I only know this truth because I have lived it (and am still living it). I don’t write about anything I don’t know first hand.
You are going to be okay. Your story will be different than mine, but you will be okay nonetheless.
Before you do anything else, please read this:
How to recover from betrayal.
I’ve heard from so many women wanting help in healing and recovery and redemption. I don’t know the answer to a lot of things, but I can tell you with 100% certainty this is where you start.
Then go here: This is the first post I wrote about finding out my husband was a closet alcoholic. You can read the whole ten-post series by following the links at the bottom of that post.
If listening is more your thing: I share part of our story on a podcast I co-host with my friend Jess. Episode 12 of the Not Terrible Podcast is a hard listen, but it will hit some of the low points.
What’s ironic is seven years before I discovered my husband had an out-of-control drinking problem, I learned he was a drug addict. I dated, married, and had a baby with a high-functioning drug addict. I first shared of that here. I wrote about it many times in the years between 2012 and 2017 under the impression Chris was clean. He went along with it, even though he picked up a new, more deadly habit in 2014. He wasn’t clean or sober very long.
Addicts might have different vices (drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, sex, etc.), but they all bring about the same damage and destruction.
Addiction destroys everything.
I’m sorry you connect with my story. I’m sorry you know the heartbreak and sadness only someone who loves an addict/alcoholic can feel.
But you don’t have to stay stuck in the chaos of addiction. You can’t change the addict or alcoholic, but you can help yourself. I hope you find in my writing ways to do that. It is not our job to save others, but we can always save ourselves.
Posts about addiction:
(choose “addiction” under categories on the right to see the most recent posts)
Words + silence
Fears + what ifs
How did we get here?
All I have
The fall of 2017
Coming home, part I
Coming home, part II
I’m not an enabler, you’re an enabler
This is about saving myself
Damn you and thank you
Meet the Grahams: The Enneagram in our marriage
Learning that changed everything, part I
Learning that changed everything, part II
Sitting in it
You are going to be okay
One year later: A life to bear witness
Our life and marriage right now
How to recover from betrayal
September & October
We’re still here.
They’re going to hate me as much as I have me
Christmas + Recovery
I share often on Instagram: Glimpses of what we’re healing or working on, and what our lives look like in recovery. You can follow @themarygraham to see those peeks.
Other Not Terrible Podcast episodes you might want to listen to:
Episode 13: Addiction & How Can We Help
Episode 36: Addiction in Romantic Relationships
Books I’d encourage you to read:
♦ Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melony Beattie
♦ Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
♦ Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May, MD
♦ Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
♦ Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz
♦ Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It’s Impossible to be Spiritual Mature, While Remaining Emotionally Immature by Peter Scazzero
♦ The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
♦ When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
♦ The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Suzanne Stabile
*affiliate links used