Mary

2022 Partner Gift Guide

Here’s a very specific thing Chris Graham likes to do every day: shop the clearance section of his favorite stores. He rarely buys anything, but if he receives an email about a deal, he will diligently check the links and read all the details on every item.

He is an email marketers worse nightmare: he will click those links, but he’s not going to buy anything.

He also loves to watch movie trailers, even for movies he will never, ever see. It’s a good thing he’s cute, because none of this makes sense to me.

If you’re shopping for a partner who also confuses you most of the time, here’s what I’m suggesting. These are things that make my little weirdo happy.

Disclosure: affiliate links used

Nespresso Machine (link)
You’ll notice this theme as you work your way down, but coffee is Chris Graham’s lifeblood. We have a BUNN coffeemaker (we actually just got a new one after seven years with our old one) that makes our daily coffee, but my husband requires more than just a pot of coffee most days. Enter: the Nespresso machine.

Cotopaxi Pullover (link)
If you see Chris Graham in public this winter, I’d bet money he’s wearing one of these pullovers. He’s got a few and loves them enough to keep buying more even though they’re a little pricey. (Side note if you like to shop for yourself while shopping for others: Cotopaxi has the most amazing hip packs [fanny packs?]. This bag just makes me so happy.)

Apple Music Subscription (link)
I think if I ever cancelled our Apple Music subscription, someone would file for divorce. I’m very serious.

Specialty Chip Variety Pack (link)
For Father’s Day this year, we ordered this sampler pack of chips. If you have someone in your life who loves to try new foods or flavors, this would make a fun stocking stuffer. We paired this with a random variety of unique bottled soda for the perfect afternoon snack.

Death Wish Coffee (link)
This is extreme coffee for extreme coffee people. Be careful.

Matthew Reilly Series (link)
This is a series Chris Graham consumed. If you know a reader who enjoys sci-fi adventure, this would be a good series to gift. Bonus: You don’t have to wait for anymore books to come out—the bane of my existence—because it wrapped this year.

Solar Charger Power Bank (link)
This is for anyone who spends a lot of time outside or away from electricity. Or someone who just likes to be extra prepared at all times.

Waterproof Dry Bag Set (link)
If you spend any time on the water, you need a dry bag set. We use it for canoeing/kayaking, plus the beach or pool. I took the smaller cell phone holder on my cruise in October and it was handy for excursions.

Pocket Flashlight (link)
I don’t care how many flashlights you have, you probably need another one. Chris Graham carries this pocket one at work and, I’m sure, uses it daily.

Pocket Work Light (link)
I just said you can never have enough flashlights, so here’s a cool one that has a magnet on it. You can use it for camping, working on cars, home remodeling…the possibilities are endless. As someone who spent a significant amount of my childhood holding a flashlight up for my dad to see into the engine of a car, this could be life changing for the right person.

Rolling Ball Organizer (link)
Okay, technically, I ordered this and love it, but that’s only because I love organizing and cleaning up messes while my life partner loves chaos and piles. I got this rolling ball cart for our garage and every time I walk out there, it makes me happy. This one holds all the balls you’ve got around the garage, plus it has a few baskets for smaller stuff (tennis balls, jump rope, orange cones, etc.) and hooks on the side.

Armor Car Cleaning Wipe Kit (link)
Do you know someone who loves to clean their car? Or maybe just someone you want to send a very specific message to about how dirty their car is? Car cleaning kits are the way to go. Give these out of the kindness of your heart or to be passive-aggressive, it’s up to you.

Embarrassing Stoner Pullover (link)
I can’t believe I’m telling the world wide web about this, but ’tis the season. For YEARS—probably 10 or more—the love of my life has wanted a knit Mexican-style pullover. If you grew up in the 90s, you know exactly what I’m talking about. They should have stayed there, but they did not. Chris Graham is clean and sober, but in his soul, he’s still a dirty stoner kid. While I was in Mexico this fall, he texted me and asked if I’d pick him up a pullover. He knew I couldn’t say no; I was on a not-cheap trip with a friend for a week while he stayed home. The least I could do was bring him his stoner hoodie. So I did. I picked one up from a street vendor in Costa Maya and lugged it back home. He has not taken it off since. He’s probably wearing this right now as he proofreads this for me before I publish.

East Fork Mug (link)
Following our coffee theme, these mugs are rustic and beautiful. We really don’t need anymore coffee cups, but that’s not your business.

Gerber Mini Pocket Knife (link)
Nothing more of a flex than whipping out your pocket knife anytime someone has an issue. This is the one Chris Graham carries all the time. He also loses it all the time, so good thing they’re inexpensive.

Blackstone Grill Accessories (link)
If you need a gift for someone with a Blackstone, this grill accessory set is fun. In the summer, we try to cook on ours as much as possible. That lid is good for veggies or breakfast stuff. We don’t have a spatula set yet, but that would be a good idea too.

Black Converse Sneakers (link)
I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but Chris Graham likes to wear a pair of shoes until they fall apart. He has to be bullied into buying a new pair. Adding new shoes to the list, if you too, have someone in your life who hates to buy new shoes for themselves but really needs them.

Bucket of Bungee Cords (link)
A bucket of bungee cords? Hell yes. There’s always a need to secure something down and nothing more fun than showing off an extensive bungee collection when the time calls. Total dad stuff.

State Park Pass (link to Indiana SP Pass)
I’ve linked to the Indiana state park pass, but, you know, buy one for your state, not mine. That seems silly to say, but I’ve been on the internet long enough to know that I have to. We’re buying two state park passes this year: one for Chris and our family and one for my dad who is retiring and will have a lot more time for adventures. This would be a good gift for young families too!

2022 Favorite Things

I always laugh when I make these shopping guides because they are so very specific. Do you like to garden while listening to murder podcasts and then at night turn on a lamp while wearing old man pajamas?

Well then, do I have some gift ideas for you.

Disclosure: affiliate links used

Duluth Heirloom Gardening Overalls (link)
Whether you like to work outside or just like to look like you do, these overalls are my favorite weekend outfit. They’re lightweight enough to wear in the summer and you can easily layer a long-sleeve shirt underneath if you need to. I’ve tried some of Duluth’s other overalls, but they felt too bulky. (Or perhaps they’re just made for legit outdoor people and I’m only a novice.) These are one of my favorite purchases of the year.

Turtlenecks (Land’s End or Old Navy)
I’m 41 now and my aesthetic is turtlenecks and overalls. I did not see this coming, but there’s no going back. I like the ones linked above from Land’s End and Old Navy because they have lots of color options (although, I really just like black…), and they come in long. That’s good because no one wants to see a tall person in a crop top turtleneck.

Slow Cooker with Saute Function (link)
It might seem silly to have a slow cooker on my favorites list, but hear me out: a slow cooker with a saute function will change your life. I’m so serious. So many recipes make you cook or brown something before adding it to the Crockpot and for years, I just skipped those recipes because no. I will not be cooking food to put in the slow cooker thats whole purpose is to save me time. But a slow cooker that lets me brown meat or saute veggies IN IT? I know this makes me sound like a 41-year-old mom who wears turtlenecks, but game changer.

Fleece Blanket (link)
My philosophy on blankets is there is no such thing as too many blankets. This is where Chris Graham and I disagree, but if you’ve ever seen my house, you know I am winning this argument. Also, our family still manages to fight over blankets even though we have plenty? Families are weird. When I was a kid, we had this blanket we called the “soft blanket” and everyone knew exactly which blanket it was. It was teal and had satin around the edge. I can feel it right now as I type this. That’s the power of a good blanket—and why I’m buying the one linked above for Christmas. It’s got soft blanket vibes.

The Heart’s Invisible Furies by John Boyne (link)
I forgot to add this to the picture before I finished, but it’s my favorite book of the year. Everyone should read it. I still think about this book all the time, and I read it in June. The Heart’s Invisible Furies destroyed me and gave me so much hope at the same time. This book is in my top five books of all time.

Schitt’s Creek mug (link)
I got this mug for Mother’s Day, and I use it all the time. It’s oversized, which I love, and tells everyone about one of my favorite TV shows.

Sun Hat (link)
Speaking of being 41, I wear a sun hat in the pool now. Mostly because I spend a lot of money on my face, and I don’t want to waste all that money. I love this hat because I can wear my hair up without it being weird, and it travels well.

Wooden Spoon Set (link)
First of all, I will not be referring to these as “spurtles” even though that’s, apparently, their name? Absolutely not. Last year, I began replacing all my random kitchen utensils with wooden ones. There are lots of reasons: less plastic in the kitchen, lasts longer, blah blah blah. But also, they’re just really pretty. So I did it for all the reasons, and, a year later, I don’t regret the transition. This is a fun first set if you’re looking to do the same.

Duluth Apron (link)
I do most of my shopping online because I try to never leave my house, but this summer, I ended up at a Duluth store to return some stuff. While there, I grabbed this apron. I LOVE IT. It’s a little untraditional which makes me more likely to wear it, as I’m not a big fan of the aprons that go over your head and tie. I think this one is cute and doesn’t pull on your neck and has great pockets. It’s currently on clearance, so hurry if you think you need one.

Birk Clogs (Amazon link) (Birkenstock link) (Amazon dupe link)
Are Birkenstock clogs hard to find right now? Yes. I’m still suggesting them though, because I bought some for my birthday and I have not stopped wearing them since. I went with the blush pink pictured above which sounds like a risky choice but isn’t. Think of them as a neutral and wear them with everything. I ended up buying mine from a third-party seller on Amazon because the Birkenstock site was out of everything. I’ve linked both of them above, just in case. Also, there are some really good Birk dupes out, so if they’re out of your price range, go that route. Middle school Mary Ritter had the Walmart Birk dupes and to make up for that childhood travesty, I bought myself the real ones now, but you do what you need to. No shame.

Flannel Nightgown (link)
If you follow me on Instagram, you knew this was coming. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, sorry you missed the most embarrassing vintage Land’s End old man nightgown show-and-tell. Just use your imagination. Long story short, 2022 has been the year of pajamas for me. I’ve spent my whole adult life sleeping in old t-shirts and worn out exercise pants, so this year I decided to become a pajama person. It was the next step after turtlenecks and overalls, obviously. I’m mostly into pajama pants because I don’t like my leg skin to touch while I sleep (it’s fine, don’t even worry about it), but I have been testing the nightgown waters. If you want to also, grab the flannel ones above and we can be twinsies.

Vans High Tops (link)
I’m getting bright yellow high top Vans from Santa this year. That’s all you need to know.

Gold Necklaces (link)
I don’t wear much jewelry, but I do like some dainty gold necklaces I can wear around the clock. It makes me feel less schlumpy. My routine with dainty gold necklaces is to buy a set that comes in different lengths and wear 2-3 of them all together until they no longer look gold and then replace them. The set linked above has lasted 6+ months, even with lots of time spent in the pool this summer, wearing them in the shower, and multiple dips in the ocean this fall. These necklaces won’t quit. I wear the two shorter ones all the time and just add the longest one if an outfit calls for it.

Turkish Hand Towels (link)
Turkish towels were on my list last year; I like to use the large ones as bathroom towels and beach towels. They’re quick-drying and soft. So technically, I shouldn’t add them again, but this set is the kitchen towel, which is completely different and necessary. I love to use this size in the kitchen when I need a place to dry dishes and to wipe my hands on while I’m baking/cooking because they’re bigger than normal hand towels. I also like to use them if I’m giving someone a food gift; I wrap the goodies in one of these towels as part of the gift.

Old Navy Joggers (link)
I think these are the perfect joggers. They’re lightweight and super soft. They don’t feel or look like sweatpants, which I like. You could wear these to the gym, to the store, or around the house. I grabbed a few pairs last season and was excited to see them back this year. I ordered every new color so now I have five pairs. If you see me this winter, there’s a good chance I’ll be wearing them. These come in tall, but I like the length of the regular. I want a little ankle to show and like a more fitted look with these.

Hoop Earrings (link)
I just said I don’t wear much jewelry, but here we are going over another item of jewelry. Interesting. I work from home and have to be in Zoom meetings a lot. My trick to looking like I am not wearing loose fitting lounge clothes is earrings. I realize this makes me a geriatric millennial, but I still love a big hoop. Get over it. These are lightweight and fun. I’ve worn them for a year now, and they still make me happy.

Small Desk Lamp (link)
It’s winter, which means it’s officially lamp season. I think one of the keys to a cozy home is a lamp. Lots of lamps, actually. Overhead light feels harsh and sterile, but lamps? Cozy and welcoming. Now that it’s dark at 5:00, I am in full lamp mode. I linked one I got from Target recently, but who cares where you find good lamp. They’re everywhere, go crazy.

Packing Cubes (link)
Don’t skip this one. I know what you’re thinking: no one needs packing cubes, calm down. I thought the same thing, but this summer, I was influenced by Instagram to buy some. I used them for my trip this October and, I kid you not, they’re magical. The amount of stuff I was able to pack, the amount of space I still had in my luggage, and the way things weren’t hard to find when I needed them? Packing cubes are legit. If you know someone who travels or likes to organize stuff, this is a good gift. I know it seems unnecessary, but it’s not, I swear.

Fanny Pack (link)
This didn’t make it onto the collage above, but my ByTavi bag gets so many compliments and questions. You can wear it across your body or as a fanny pack. It’s the perfect size for a night out, traveling, or concerts. I use this all the time and have a 13 year old who steals it whenever she can. (ByTavi is having really good sales right now, but if you need a discount code, use MARY15 to get 15% off.)

Vitamin C Serum (link)
We’re all wearing sunscreen everyday, right? Okay, good. Put this vitamin C serum on before the sunscreen to help combat sun damage. I’ve been using this stuff for a few years and love it. [Side note: I was at the dermatologist a last week and picked up a prescription strength vitamin C that the tech suggested. As soon as I’m done with this bottle, I’m switching to that. I’ll keep you posted on the change.]

AirPods (link)
I think every parent should have a pair of AirPods if they’re able. I listen to a lot of audiobooks and podcasts, but don’t always want my kids hearing them. I can clean the house on the weekends, drive, and a million other things with one AirPod in and still hear/interact with my kids when I need to. They’re a lifesaver.

Winter Gloves (link)
It’s a very adult thing to have nice gloves, but it feels like such a luxury to not wear those cheap cotton ones that say one-size-fits-all but really doesn’t. If you, too, are trying to be an adult right now, buy yourself some adult gloves.

Weekly Meal Planning Sheets (link)
This might not be a good idea to give someone else, but I’m adding it here in case you want them for yourself. After years of printing a sheet off the internet or just randomly writing a list on a piece of printer paper, I ordered myself this pad. It keeps me organized, has a spot where I can make grocery notes if I need to, and has enough space for me to write reminders to my family on it.

Set of Blank Cards (link)
I realize it’s 2022, but I still love sending cards in the mail. Also, we’re a family that still writes thank you notes. I think they’re important and will absolutely judge you if I send you a gift and you don’t acknowledge it. That’s rude. Finally, there’s always a last-minute party or event you need a card for. This set of blank cards has a fun variety that will work for most occasions.

Flameless Candles (link)
Yes, I had flameless candles on a list last year, but these are tapered so it’s different. I’m really loving candle holders and tapered candles right now. Fully embracing my old lady style. I’ll probably light these while wearing a turtleneck.

Cast Iron Braiser (link)
I bought a teal version of this at Costco last year, and it has become my go-to pot for cooking. It’s the perfect size and easy to clean. Plus, it’s pretty.

2023 Leather Planner (link)
This is sold out right now, which is a big bummer because I didn’t order this when I should have, but I’m a paper planner person always and forever and this is what I plan to use for 2023. Don’t actually buy this when it comes in stock until I do though, thanks.

Honduras & Mexico

I would not call myself a cruise person. It’s just not really my style.

But I took a cruise a few weeks ago, and I had such a good time. Maybe it was the company. Maybe it was the lack of parenting responsibilities. Maybe it was the sunshine. Maybe it was the afternoon naps.

Maybe it was all those things combined. Either way, I took a 7-day West Caribbean cruise with my friend Christine, and we had the best time.

I still don’t think I’m a cruise person, but I’m sure I’ll take another one at some point. It can be an efficient, less expensive way to travel to some locations and, once you’re on board, it’s low key and low stress if you want it to be.

Here’s what we did: 7-day Royal Caribbean cruise on the Allure of the Seas. We left out of Port Everglades, and stopped in Roatan, Honduras, Costa Maya, Mexico, and Cozumel, Mexico. We flew into Fort Lauderdale, which is a less-than-ten-minute Uber ride from the port.

Our first port was Roatan, Honduras. We did an excursion to Big French Key and spent the day on the beach. We got to paddle board and kayak there, as well as have a catered lunch. There was a bar, a few shops, and a snorkeling boat trip you could take if you wanted to pay extra. We just stuck to the beach for the day. We booked this excursion through Royal Caribbean. If I could do it over again, I think we’d have booked an excursion for Little French Key instead. That side of the key had a few more things to do and you could swim with pigs. Pigs! We didn’t learn about that until we got back on the boat that night and were talking with our dinner companions. I don’t know if you could book Little French Key through Royal Caribbean or you have to do it separately. (I know the benefit of booking excursions through the cruise line is they’re verified and the boat won’t leave you behind if something happens, but thanks to Youtube and travel bloggers, there are a lot of legit excursions you can book for better prices with a little research.)

Our next port was Costa Maya. We didn’t have any excursions planned for this stop. We got off the boat and walked around the large shopping center right on the coast. There were two pools to swim in there, so technically we could have just stayed all day and been happy. But we ended up wandering outside of the shopping center and finding a place to rent taxis and golf carts. We shared a golf cart with a couple from the ship ($60 for 3 hours) and rode into town. It was about a 10-minute golf cart ride, and then you’re on the white sand beaches with much better shopping and food choices. We shopped, got the most delicious fresh-cut mango, got massages on the beach ($20 for an hour), and explored. There were lots of good excursion choices at this port, but I’m really glad we didn’t plan ahead to do anything. We had the most fun deciding what to do at the last minute.

Our final port was Cozumel. We made reservations through Tortugas Cozumel for a snorkeling by boat and an ATV tour through the jungle trip. It included Jade Caverns, exploring a Mayan cenote, Jeep rides around the island, tequila tasting event, a delicious lunch, open bar, and private beach. I did not want this day to end, it was perfect. I ended the excursion by sitting on a swing at the bar, eating warm tortillas, reading a book, and drinking a margarita. The ship could’ve left me there, and I would not have worried about it.

When we were at sea, the ship was packed with stuff to do: ice skate, see a show, go to a club, watch a movie, shop, zipline, rock climb, visit the spa, and so much more. We saw Mama Mia, listened to a Whitney Houston tribute show, played bingo like little old ladies, had 90 minute massages at the spa, stayed up late at for 80s and 90s night at the club, and ate pizza at 1 AM. I had Starbucks coffee every morning and a three-course dinner every night. I didn’t have to take care of anyone but myself, and I barely did that. I read two books, took some naps which never happens at home, and had someone else make my bed every morning and turn it down every night.

I know I said I’m not a cruise person. I still don’t feel like I’m a cruise person, even as a rave about how great this trip was. It was a fun experience, and I had a great time. It’s not the way I want to spend all my vacations, but taking a cruise once in a while to mix things up isn’t a bad way to see the world.

what is real

One of my favorite memories with Chris Graham is of a date we had. I think it was 2016.

We went out to dinner, a wings place near our house in the city, and had the best time. We had been missing each other, busy with life and kids and catching up felt exciting. We didn’t run out of things to say and, for once, it wasn’t me doing all the talking. Chris was just as engaged and vocal. He was paying attention. It felt magical.

He made me laugh that night. He hadn’t made me laugh in a while. I think my husband is funny, but not witty-funny. He’s awkward-funny. He’s dorky-funny. He’s I-didn’t-mean-for-that-to-be-funny funny. I find him entertaining, but probably not the way he’d like.

That night felt electric. We were happy. We were fed. We were together. We were content.

We drove home with the windows open. I can’t remember if it was spring or fall, but the feeling was we hadn’t been able to drive with the windows down for a while and now we could—it felt new and exciting. It might have even been one of those surprise winter evenings where it should have been snowing but instead it was unseasonably warm and every single person felt alive and free and hopeful.

I remember the feeling, and it matched our relationship at that very moment. Everything felt right and easy. We turned the music up as Chris zipped through the streets of our city making our way back home to our babies.

Chris was drunk that night.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had been drinking most of the day. He wasn’t paying attention and engaging because that’s what people in love do on dates, but because he was drunk and trying hard to not show it. He wasn’t being dynamic and funny because he was feeling alive and free and hopeful like me, he was scared and hiding and pretending.

I’ve forgotten a lot of things about Chris being drunk and lying and hiding, but I’ve never forgotten that date. It still, almost five years later, feels like a blow every time I think of it.

That one still hurts to think about. How much I misread the situation. How much I enjoyed Chris’ personality when it was really another time he wasn’t showing up as himself because he didn’t know how.

There’s a part of me that feels embarrassed to say I had so much fun with Chris that night, and he had to be drunk for me to enjoy him.

——-

Last night as Chris was telling Ellie goodnight, he slurred a word.

She called me in afterward to let me know.

“I think you need to watch Daddy, he might be having a stroke,” she told me. “He slurred a word and then paused for a long time. Make sure he’s feeling okay.”

I assured her he was fine and then went to see if he was fine.

“Ellie thinks you’re having a stroke because you slurred a word,” I said. I wasn’t worried, exactly. But it’s hard to forget some things.

He smirked. “I was trying to think of a new word and I was halfway through saying ‘sleep’ before I could stop it.”

Ellie worries about her daddy. I worry about her daddy. Harper worries about her daddy. We all carry—in our own ways—the worries and anxieties of loving a recovering alcoholic. They show up differently, but they still show up. In our house, they show up as three Graham girls on high alert all the time. It is not the same exhaustion of active addiction, but it is still exhausting.

–—–

Chris Graham is silly now.

He’s silly with the girls at dinner. He’s silly with the dogs as he washes dishes. He’s silly with me as we sit next to each other at a baseball game in Louisville.

I don’t trust his silly.

Growing up in a home with abuse, addiction, and violence knocks the silly out of you really quick. I know Chris didn’t get to be silly as a kid. He didn’t get to be silly with his siblings. He didn’t get to be silly with his parents. It wasn’t safe to draw attention to himself so the last thing he’d want to do was be silly. He learned how to be quiet and not seen and ignored because that was what kept him safe as a child.

Adult Chris is safe now. And he’s starting to be silly again.

But, for me, silly means drinking. I fell in love with a quiet, hurting kid who thought the world required him to hide. It’s still challenging sometimes to recalibrate what I knew then to what I know now.

Chris Graham is sober. I know through his actions and through his words. I know through occasional glimpses of his AA work and friends. I know because of the way he’s showing up in the world now.

But I would be lying if I said my overwhelming urge to protect myself and my girls from that type of pain again doesn’t mean I still look at him suspiciously at times. That I brace myself when it looks like he’s having fun.

Trauma stole Chris Graham’s silly. My own trauma is tempted to do the same.

——-

Growing up in a home with violence, abuse, or addiction changes you forever. It alters the way you see the world and how you experience it, how you show up in it. That’s not just some weak way of excusing people’s behaviors, it’s actual science. When we’re children and growing, our brain stem is growing and developing as well. The experiences we have as children literally get “baked” into our brain stems; these childhood experiences create pathways we’ll use for the rest of our lives.

If your childhood was filled with trauma, chaos, and unsafe people, your brain learned that was the way life was and every single experience after that is filtered through that lens.

If your childhood was filled with safety, love, and stability, your brain stem learned that was the way life was and every single experience after that is filtered through that lens.

(You can read more about how trauma impact our brains in development here.)

Learning new pathways is possible. It’s a big part of recovery, retraining your brain to react differently. It is exhausting, hard work. A person doing this is constantly fighting their own brain, constantly uncomfortable and tired from the work of unlearning things that no longer serve them.

One of the ways Chris learned to be safe as a child was to lie. He lied about everything. He lied before he even thought about it. He still does this. Often, his first response to something is to lie, even when the truth is inconsequential. It’s so ingrained in him that sometimes he’s not even aware he’s doing it.

A lot of recovery, even now, is learning where the truth is. And for Chris, it involves being silly, being engaged in conversations, and making choices he doesn’t have to lie about later.

addiction in five stories

“Shawn met a woman, and she sobered him up,” my dad said. My aunt said. Everyone said.

“That’s not normally how that works,” I said, as gently as possible.

I understand the desperate desire for this to be true. The sudden death of his mom in a car accident, years of addiction, the loss of everything—his wife, his kids, his jobs, his house. I, too, want this new development to be true.

Even if I know it’s never quite that simple.

—–

Chris got the call in the evening.

“His liver and kidneys are shutting down, he’s in the hospital.”

Chris ran to put on shoes, to go see his friend. Matt, who had been a best friend in high school and after, who had been so easy-going and quick to laugh, who had been right beside Chris as he spiraled into addiction. Matt who didn’t have to hide his vices like Chris did. Matt who was now dying because of them.

He didn’t end up going to the hospital that night; Matt was already unconscious. He died the next morning, just shy of 40 years old.

This one, of all the ways alcoholism and addiction have taken from Chris, hurt the most. The reality of what could have been, what should have been, was too close to home.

“The only difference between Matt and I,” Chris said, “was that I had people who told me enough was enough. Who will tell you to stop when everyone is living the same life?”

She sat at the table facing the judge in a floral dress and short-sleeve sweater. She wanted her kid back.

“I’ve been clean 90 days today. I don’t have anyone to be proud of me for that, but I’m proud of me,” she said.

She wanted to get out of town, but she doesn’t have a car and she needs a better job to buy a car. But all the good jobs are in Indianapolis. And she needs a car to get there. Everyone here is someone she used to use with, so it’s easier to just not go outside.

She’s a prisoner in her own home, trying to stay clean and sober and get her kid back.

“I’m doing everything I’m supposed to,” she said, “but I’m also stuck here.”

I’m proud of her, but I can’t say that from where I sit.

—–

I wrote down this quote from a book I was listening to, but I didn’t write down the name of the book and I read so many books that I have no idea where it came from.

“I’ve been sober a month now,” Jeff said.

“All due respect, Jeff, but you’re not sober yet. You just don’t stink so bad,” replied Rhonda.

I stood next to a cornfield on a sunny afternoon in August. It was the kind of day you imagine summer in the Midwest will be: clear and blue, sunny and breezy. It was not too hot. There were puffy, fake clouds in the sky.

I thought about how long it takes to get the stink of addiction off. I thought about how it lingers forever.

I walked back home.

—–

My cousin ended up in the hospital. His new girlfriend—the one who got him sober—calls to tell us he’s not doing well. She is adamant to the doctors, the nurses, the custodians: he has not been drinking.

She would know, of course. She’s the one who finally convinced him to stop. She saved him. Her love saved him.

—–

At the end of July, we went to Matt’s funeral. It is filled with people from Chris’ past.

He doesn’t want to go.

He has to go.

The friends have gotten older, fatter, like all of us. They look tired. They look like their high school selves—in the same style clothes, with the same shoes and cars—but worn out. Drugs and alcohol don’t age well. These people are, in many ways, the same people Chris left all those years ago.

Arrested development describes a person who is “stuck” at an early phase of emotional development. It happens in childhood or adolescences as a response to an experience that they are unable to resolve. It freezes you in a mental state, in a specific period of time, and, while you age, you don’t mature or grow.

At the funeral, we are surrounded by these boys who look like men, but who do the exact same things they did twenty years ago. It makes me want to weep. I wish things were different.

Sometimes I cannot carry the weight of the grief and loss I see. From people who have died. From people who only think they are living.

On my daily walks, I pass crushed beer cans and empty pints of hard liquor in the ditch. I know which ones are new and which ones have been there for years.

Fireball
PBR
Jack Daniels
Coors Light
Coors Light
99 Butterscotch

I do not, most days, think they are my husbands. I know better.

But some days, I think they are.

—–

“He was detoxing,” my aunt tells me when I text to check on Shawn.

“Never trust a drunk,” she replies.

It is, as I said, never quite that simple.

the best rice crispy treats you’ll ever eat

That’s a bold title, but I’m actually really confident in this assertion. These are the best rice crispy treats you’ll ever eat. Just do exactly as I say and you, too, will be the hit of every party, gathering, or after school snack.

A few things before we begin. (I’m not going to tell you a long story about how I visited a beautiful marshmallow field in the spring of 1989 where I discovered the perfect fluffy morsels. I promise.) These are very specific tips to make these little squares of heaven the best they can be.

Tip #1: Don’t buy name brand cereal. The name brand has a coating on them that makes the rice crispies less absorbent. You want the off-brand rice crispies for maximum absorbency. I prefer the Aldi brand, but Wal-mart, Kroger, etc. will probably work too.

Tip #2: If you want to brown the butter, do it. When I brown my butter, the rice crispy treats get a little crunchy on top which you might like. If you want a softer rice crispy, don’t brown the butter. I think both ways are good and, depending on time and the way the wind is blowing, I’ll do one or the other.

Tip #3: My recipe calls for a whole box of cereal. This is going to make a lot of rice crispy treats. This is a good thing, but they definitely won’t fit in a 9×13 pan. I prefer a baking sheet lined with parchment paper for this recipe.

Tip #4: When you add in the cereal, you can remove the pot from the heat or leave it. Either is fine, but the end result will be a little different. If you leave it on, the mixture will melt the final marshmallows into little pockets of goodness. If you remove it from the heat, the final marshmallows will retain more of their original shape. Do whichever way you like.

Tip #5: When you transfer the mixture to the cookie sheet, don’t mash it down. You want fluffy, airy rice crispy treats so just pour the goodness out as evenly as you can and try not to mess with it too much. If I have to spread it and the spatula isn’t working, I grab another piece of parchment paper and use that to spread it. It doesn’t stick to the parchment.

Okay, that’s it. Here’s what you need:
– 12 ounces rice crispy cereal (about 12 cups)
– 30 ounces of mini marshmallows (or three bags)
– 12 tablespoons of butter (1 1/2 sticks)
– 1 teaspoon salt
– 1 teaspoon vanilla

Don’t argue about these amounts or question them. Don’t let that evil little voice inside your head say that’s just too many marshmallows. We don’t accept that kind of negativity here.

Directions:
1. Spread parchment paper over a baking sheet and set aside.
2. In a large pot, melt butter on medium-low heat. Brown if you’re feeling fancy.
3. Add about 25 ounces of marshmallows, reserve 5 ounces for later.
4. Stir constantly so marshmallows and butter don’t burn. Once marshmallows are completely melted, add salt and vanilla.
5. Add rice crispies and stir until mixture coats the cereal. (See note above about whether or not you want to remove the pot from heat when you do this.)
6. Add in the remaining 5 ounces of marshmallows and stir until incorporated.
7. Transfer to the parchment-lined baking sheet. Spread it as evenly as possible without smashing the mixture down. Air is your friend here.
8. Let cool and enjoy.

These don’t last long in our house and there are never leftovers if we take them somewhere, but if you do need to store them, it’s best to let them cool completely, cut them into squares, and store them in an airtight container. I use parchment paper to separate the layers, otherwise they will all stick together.

If you make these, let me know what you think!

In the Jordan’s water or any other

Dennis called on Thursday to talk about Harper.

“She wants to be baptized,” he said as middle schoolers talked and yelled in the background. “She expressed interest last night during service.”

This wasn’t unexpected.

My daughter has wanted to be baptized since late 2019. We were making our way through a workbook our church gave us about preparing to be baptized when the pandemic hit. And then we watched our church community turn proudly hateful and paranoid and selfish. We watched the people who taught our children in Sunday school and sang worship songs from stage use misinformation and fear as biblical principles. We saw and heard them speak ugly words about people God had created and loved fiercely.

We never went back to that church.

It all felt so hypocritical and fake. We couldn’t stomach it, and we definitely couldn’t let our girls think this was how you followed Jesus. So we left the church Chris and I grew up at, the church we met at and served at for decades, the church where we married and raised babies.

We left.

It has been two years, and there is still grief and sadness. I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. We don’t regret it. But we are still untangling a lot of the mess and hurt and bad theology we learned there.

Long story short: Harper was, in the summer of 2022, still waiting to be baptized.

So when Dennis called from the church camp that we know preaches a lot of the same messages we left our church over, I wasn’t surprised but I was suspicious.

No, we don’t want Harper to be baptized at camp this week.
Her parents would like to be present, and we can’t make it there during the week.
Yes, we can have her baptized when she comes home.

“I assume you have a home church that can do it?” Dennis asked as we wrapped up our conversation.

“Sure,” I said, because Dennis, you probably don’t want to have this conversation with me right now.

It would probably be the same conversation that would start if I came to the women’s retreat weekend on the flyer I was handed as we walked out of the gym after checking the girls in for their week of camp.

After we said goodbye, Chris and I climbed back into the car to head home. I folded the women’s retreat flyer and put it in the cupholder. As we pulled out of the parking lot, Chris said, “I almost told the lady ‘You don’t want my wife at your retreat’ when she handed that to you.”

“That’s the truth,” I said.

Dennis, the truth is much more complicated than you’ve got time for, but we could start with the rules for girls’ swimsuits at camp and why only men can be deans.

close up of a pool floaty made to look like a donut with colorful sprinkles floating in a pool.

I picked the girls up from church camp on a muggy Friday afternoon. They were tired and cranky and dirty. When we got home, Chris baptized Harper in our swimming pool. Harper wore her mermaid bikini, I took her confession of faith, and my tattooed husband submerged her in the cool, crystal clear water in our backyard.

It felt simple and extraordinary.
It felt like the perfect time and too late.
It felt like a reminder that following God doesn’t have to be fancy or within the rules of a denomination or with a crowd of people surrounding you.

A private backyard baptism felt like the most on-brand choice for this moment in our lives. We cannot stomach the pomp and circumstance of church. We cannot abide the culture of religion that has hurt so many people we love. We cannot reconcile the twists of scripture that lead to power and greed and control.

But we love Jesus and we want to follow Him and we want to live like Him. We crave the new birth that baptism offers, the washing away of the old and the renewing of the spirit. We desperately desire the easy yoke of following Christ as we try to operate in a world that keeps making more and more rules, boundaries, and caveats.

So we baptized our daughter, even as we struggle with so much doubt and confusion and mess. We baptized her, even when we’re not sure of our place in a society that forces obedience instead of joy and freedom.

We have so many questions, but Jesus isn’t one of them.

The next morning I sat on my porch swing drinking coffee. I was reading Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans and because God has never stopped showing up in these years since we left church, the next chapter I was to read was called “The Steady Work of Living Water.”

In it, Rachel writes, “My baptism reminds me that I am a Christian because Christianity gives me a name that supersedes every other name the world will try to give me. I am a Christian because my baptism has declared that I am a beloved child of God. There is no failure, no sin, no accomplishment, no success that can change that.”

“Baptism, whether in the Jordan’s water or any other, ties us to the cycle of life, through all of which runs water. It reminds us that we belong. It is, of course, much easier to write that out than to reckon with the reality of what belonging to that larger community—to that fractious assemblage of humanity, prone as it is to hurt as much as to help—really means.”

And that is the reminder I needed: we are beloved children of God and we belong. The details can be figured out later.

a fresh start

I removed over 1,000 posts.

It was time.

I’ve done this before, whittling down the blog posts that live here. I’ve been writing on this blog since 2008, and we—this blog and myself—have seen some things.

In 2014 (I think?), I paid someone to redesign my blog and move it to a bigger server. While that was happening, I deleted about 100 blog posts. Just dumb stuff I had written as I tried to find my voice on the world wide web. I don’t regret taking them down, but I regret deleting them completely. Did I not know about reverting posts to drafts? Did I not understand I could take them down, but still keep them for myself?

That’s what I did this time: slowly read through over 1,400 blog posts and reverted most of them to drafts. They still exist, and I can access them anytime I want, but they’re not for public consumption anymore.

I did this for a number of reasons.

Some of the blog posts were just dumb. Why did I post that? Who cares about that? Why did I take the time to even write that nonsense?

Some of the blog posts were not who I am anymore. I took down most of the fashion/clothes posts. Remember when I tried to be a fashion blogger? I hope you don’t. I really hope you don’t. I’d taken down a ton of those a few years ago (Copycat Wednesday, anyone?), but many still existed. I left a few up for old times’ sake—to keep me humble and slightly embarrassed—but most of them are gone now. RIP fashionable Mary. You will not be missed.

Some of the blog posts were sponsored content I don’t care about anymore. Also, no one paid me enough money to keep those on my site for years. If Lenovo or Kindle or Thermos want those lame posts back up, they can send me another check. I’ll also accept PayPal or Venmo.

Some of the blog posts were things I don’t believe anymore.

As I figured out what I wanted to write about on the internet, I wrote about lots of things. Some of them don’t need to be read anymore. I’ve learned better ways, learned better truths, learned where I was wrong. I don’t want bad theology I once believed to harm people who might stumble across something I’ve read. It’s not helpful or needed. At times, I wrote things unaware of the privilege I was operating from. How my advice wasn’t as simple as I made it out to be.

I’m so glad I never wrote a book in my 20s or 30s. I’d die to know some of the things I had once believed were out there forever, and I couldn’t take them back. I know the internet is forever, but it’s a little less forever than a published book. (Right? Please say yes.)

Recently, I read a self-help book. The author is in her late twenties and full of life experiences she’s learned lessons from and feels like everyone else should know them too. I cringed a lot while I read her book. I already know she’s going to look back in a decade and wish she hadn’t written some of the things she did. Experience is a hard teacher, and we all have to do it one way or another. Hers will just be very, very public.

Reading my old blog posts through the lens of a 40-year-old woman who’s had years of therapy was uncomfortable. I could see how hard I was trying and failing, how much energy I was exerting to keep a failing marriage alive, how some of the things I was doing was enabling a really sick husband. I left a few of those posts up. Not because I loved them, but because if anyone spent the time to go back to them, they probably knew our marriage story, and it felt important to show some of the chaos and heartache in real time.

Maybe one day I’ll feel different and remove them. Maybe not. I reserve the right to change my mind about anything I post at anytime. I’m the one paying the bills to keep the lights on. [such a dad thing to say]

I’ve spend the past 3-ish years removing pictures of my daughters from the internet. I started with my Instagram account and archived all their little toddler and baby pictures. Then I removed most things they were featured in. I loved those pictures, but they’re for us and not the world. Last year, I deleted Facebook and all the images I’d posted of them there. I’d stopped posting their pictures on Facebook around 2018, but deleting my account took care of all the older ones.

The past few months, I removed most pictures of my girls from this space as well.

Some still exist, don’t get me wrong. There are a few family photos and travel posts still up. And some random other ones. But they don’t need to be on the internet because of me anymore. I don’t post their pictures on Instagram unless I have their permission and usually not in any permanent spots. I took away some of their autonomy when they were younger, and I wish I hadn’t. I’m part of the first generation of parents raising kids in a digital age, and I think most of us spent a little too much time posting pictures of our kids for people (and strangers) to see.

I’d do things differently now. I can’t change the past, but I can edit it from my WordPress dashboard. So I did.

I don’t want to disappear from the internet. I mostly like it here. But I want to show up in a new way.

Maybe you’ve noticed pictures of my children’s faces don’t really show up in blog posts much anymore. There are a lot of pictures of their backs. If they’re in pictures, they’re small and out of focus, they’re wearing masks or peeking out of water. That’s intentional. This is my blog, not theirs. Their peers are on the internet, and my kids should get to decide how they show up on it. Plus, I don’t want to give estranged family members access—in any form—to my children. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve even a glimpse of my magical children.

Truthfully, I didn’t think anyone would notice or care this happened. I didn’t even plan to mention it. But I forget that even though I have been very sporadic about writing here, people still read my words and pay attention to this space. I know it’s true because I see the blog stats each month when WordPress emails them to me. Every month, I’m surprised at the traffic to this dusty little place.

I had removed about 500 posts when I got a message from a loyal reader asking about a post she loved but couldn’t find. Her sister was getting married, and she wanted to send it to her. It’s gone, I said. I’m cleaning house and taking down things that might misrepresent what I believe now. I just don’t want to harm anyone with my bad theology.

She said she understood and appreciated it. Then she said, please don’t ever take down ‘My Grandmothers’ Hands.’ It’s one of my favorite posts.

I assured her it wasn’t going anywhere.

There’s still a lot of stuff here. About 300 posts, to be specific. Some of the writing is good. Some of the writing is not good. I’m glad I’ve learned and grown and gotten better at some things. I still have a lot to learn. I still have a lot of growing to do. Which means more posts might come down one day. I’m sure I’ve missed some things I should probably take down right now.

A lot of reading my old blog posts was a practice in giving myself grace.

I’ll give myself that going forward too, as I stretch my blog post muscles and find my footing here once again. I hope you’ll stick around to see how it goes.

on my porch swing

In July, the rain finally came, flooding the little pockets of bare earth under the trees lining the cornfield.

It got hot, but we opened the windows for a few days, letting in the breeze and letting out the stuffy, stale air.

I sat on my porch swing.

I drove to doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments, lunch with a friend, the grocery store, the library.

We listened to old albums from my college days, hearing the words for the first time all over again. Some of them make more sense twenty years later. We listened to Harry Styles on repeat, both for the girls and for me.

I sat on my porch swing.

My garden didn’t grow. Cucumbers, tomatoes, green peppers, tomatillos—everything is slow this year. The summer has been dry, the bunnies have been ruthless, and I planted late. But do you need a zucchini? I have 400.

Passed by my dead aunt’s vacant house this week; there was a black cat sitting on the sidewalk looking at the front door expectantly. Me too, cat, I thought as I drove by, me too.

Ellie has dedicated her week to making the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. Harper took a full bowl of her favorite cereal and milk to bed one morning. It ended exactly how you’d think it would.

We are all learning this summer.

I sat on my porch swing.

There’s a balance beam in the yard, Harper is mapping out routines and trying to cartwheel without falling off. Ellie—if you can’t find her—will be next door at the neighbors or on top of the shed watching the world go by. We are busy. We are not busy.

I sat on my porch swing.

The last time I talked to my grandma, she asked when I was heading back to school. I haven’t been in the classroom since 2018. It’s not worth correcting her, she’ll just get confused. We went back-to-school shopping this week, and I bought myself new pens and post-its, a shirt and a notebook. Maybe I forgot I’m not in the classroom anymore, too.

Our mailbox—the third or fourth since we moved in—is on its last leg. It’s become more shocking if people don’t hit it when they leave our house now. I wonder what the mail carrier thinks. It’s currently facing the wrong way.

I sat on my porch swing.

Gave myself a paper cut in my armpit—don’t ask, it just happened—and I might not survive the trauma.

I went for long, sweaty walks during the hottest part of the day. There’s something I enjoy about the unpleasantness of it. Maybe it’s penance for my comfortable office, comfortable air conditioning, comfortable life. I search for discomfort to not become numb.

We got new neighbors and their grandkids bring squeals and laughter to a normally quiet block.

I sat on my porch swing.

I watched the ground be broken for burial. I watched the family gather around the headstone. I watched the discarded flowers wilt under the relentless sun.

I sat on my porch swing.

I read the news, made phone calls, raged. I ignored the news, hid my phone, paid attention to the grass and the wind and the hummingbirds that buzz around the flowers I can see from my front window.

We filled the pool with cool water, with bright floaties, with wriggling bodies.

The girls went to camp. I went to Ohio for work. Chris went to the top of tall buildings downtown.

I wrote and cooked, read and napped, watched and grieved.

I sat on my porch swing.

We went to the drive-in and learned we are not made for the summer drive-in. We are fall drive-in people. We are go-to-bed-early people. We are sleep-through-the-summer-movie people.

There were book club dinners, birthday dinners, and drive-thru dinners. There was trivia night and shutting down the Mexican restaurant with loud, energtic friends.

I sat on my porch swing.

We watched a baseball game in Louisville and played cornhole in Columbus.

I sat on my porch swing.

We said goodbye to summer break. I bought my second pair of overalls. I learned sometimes you can do all the right things and things still don’t work out.

I sat on my porch swing.

And then July was over.

New York City Birthday Trip

4745 days
676 weeks
156 months
13 years

She’s been here for 13 years.

All the cliches about time fit here. All of them, insert them right here: ___

We surprised our soon-to-be 13 year old with a trip to New York City in February. When the girls were little, and we were very poor, we dreamed about celebrating their official entrance into the teenage years with a surprise trip. It was a distant, far away dream, something we felt we had plenty of time to prepare for. A teenager? That is absurd.

But here we are and here she is; it wasn’t the future anymore. It was now. She was going to be a teenager.

So we booked a trip, grabbed Uncle Ricky, and took off for the Big Apple. When we dreamed about their birthday trips, we didn’t know specifics: where we would go, what we would do, what we would see. We’d let their future selves tell us.

For Ellie, her future self would be obsessed with Hamilton. So that meant we were headed to Broadway.

It was a three-day trip cut a little short due to a giant snowstorm that shut down the city and airport for 24+ hours. We landed in New York late Friday afternoon instead of early morning, but we managed to still cram in every single thing on our very full list. We went non-stop for three days, tumbling into bed each night after 16 hours of exploring and eating. Here’s what we did.

Before our trip, we bought 3-pass City Passes to do some of the touristy things at a discount. I highly recommend this pass, it was worth the price, and it was easy to make reservations online ahead of time for things we wanted to do. [They have these for many cities, and in larger increments, so if you’re traveling to a major city soon, it’s worth checking out.]

We stayed at the Fairfield Inn & Suites on West 36th Street. It was a convenient 12-15 minute walk to Broadway shows, Times Square, and tons of other stuff. We could get on the subway easily as well. The hotel had a really nice continental breakfast, it was clean, and I’d stay there again without hesitation.

Friday afternoon we ate a delicious meal at Junior’s Cheesecake and then wandered around Times Square while my brother went to a Broadway show. Times Square is super cheesy and bright and full of tourists, but Ellie loved it. It was 9:00 PM and we were tired from a long day of travel, but the city was alive and it was her first glimpse at how electric everything can be. She walked around giggling to herself all evening.

Saturday morning, we grabbed fresh coffee and bagels from Liberty Bagels then jumped on the subway to head to Central Park. We explored the freezing cold, frozen park (it never got above 25 degrees while we were in town—brrrr) until the American Museum of Natural History opened. Chris and the girls love all the Night at the Museum movies and have watched them many times. Ellie loved visiting the setting of a movie, and she got to meet Rexy! (The skeleton pictured above; he comes to life in the movie.)

Then we headed to Grand Central Station. Ellie is obsessed with baking and wants to run a bakery when she’s older, so part of our trip included stopping at any bakery we saw and sampling the offerings. She ate the best slice of chocolate cake from Magnolia Bakery in the basement of Grand Central Station. After that, we rushed over to Rockefeller Center for a tour and visit to the top of the Rock. We watched people ice skating on the Plaza, shopped at FAO Schwartz, and marveled at the clear views from 70 stories up.

Afterward, we did some more shopping, visited St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and wandered around one of the New York City Public Library buildings. Then we headed back to the hotel to get ready for dinner and Hamilton.

Ellie wanted sushi for her birthday dinner so Ricky made reservations at Sushiva before our 8 PM show. By the time we got seated at the theater, Ellie could not stop smiling. We were in the room where it happened, and she could not be more excited. The show was wonderful. I’m sure you didn’t expect that, but it was. I’m glad my brother—a fellow Broadway fan—was there to experience it with Ellie. It wouldn’t have been the same without him. After the show, we stayed by the stage door to meet the cast. This definitely put the night over the top for our girl. Best birthday ever.

Sunday morning, we headed to The High Line, got to see the Vessel at Hudson Yards, and visited Chelsea Market. We had 11:00 reservations for the Statue of Liberty & Ellis Island tour so we headed down there. I imagine we’d have spent more time there if it wasn’t so cold. Ellie decided to skip the Ellis Island stop, and we made our way to Wall Street, the Fearless Girl statue, and Chinatown. We ate a late lunch, shopped, visited bakeries, and wandered the streets. Lunar New Year celebrations had been happening all weekend, so it was full of people and decorated beautifully.

To complete our NYC experience, we haggled with some local ladies over knock-off designer goods for some friends back home. We stopped in Little Italy for some cannolis to take home, then went back to the hotel to grab our bags.

We hopped on an 8 PM flight back to Indy and were home, snuggled in our beds, by midnight. Exhausted but so, so happy.

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