Mary

Book Club Ideas & Lists

I’ve lost count of the number of great things to come out of my time with my friend Jessi at the Front Room Studio, but one of them is my book club.

I started hosting a monthly book club because we had the space, the time, and the desire to talk books with fellow readers. No longer being in a school building meant I wasn’t sharing YA books with students or talking about our current reads at department meetings. For years, I’ve shared book reviews online in one form or another, but I wanted to talk about books with people face-to-face.

Enter: a book club

Eventually, we closed the Front Room Studio, but the book club just moved. We met at the library. We met on Zoom. We met at a local coffee shop. We finally made our way to a nearby Mexican restaurant and that’s where we’ve been for over a year. Chips and salsa and books, what more could you want?

I used to share our book club lists and invite anyone local to join us. I’d post them on my blog and share them on social media. We’ve settled into a constant small group and aren’t looking to grow or add people now, but people have still expressed interest in our lists. As a reader who will never not listen to a book recommendation even if I have shelves of unread books waiting to be read at home, I love to see what other people are reading. I even know of a few people who aren’t local who love to read along with our lists, just because it’s fun.

Maybe that’s you. Or maybe not, go ahead and move along. For those interested, I’m sharing our past and present book club lists here.

A few things before we get into the lists:
– I’ve evolved in my creation of these lists. The first one (2018) was just a random collection of books Jessi and I had on our shelves that we wanted to read. I learned that wasn’t the best way to compile a list.
– I’ve become intentional about including BIPOC authors and worked to include storylines a little less mainstream.
– Because I do this for work, I’m aware of which months are dedicated to celebrating certain people groups (May is Asian American Heritage Month, November is Native American Heritage Month, etc.). I’ve tried to select titles to honor those months when I can.
– Last year (?) I began asking fellow book club members for suggestions as well. It took some of the pressure off me, especially when a book didn’t go over well. Now every November, everyone brings at least one book suggestion for next year. Because we are all book lovers, everyone typically bring 3-5 books, and I’m tasked with narrowing it down. This is a job I love. (People suggest books they haven’t read or ones they’ve read and loved—there’s no rules.)
– In December, we each bring a wrapped book for a little gift exchange, and I share the reading list for the following year. As we sat around the table last month, we decided that 2023 would be a year of romance and mystery fiction. We’ve never declared a theme or goal like that, but 2022 seemed to be filled with heavier non-fiction and we’d like a reset. You’ll see that reflected in the 2023 list.
– I’m sharing our complete lists with no commentary on the books. Some of them we liked. Some of them we did not. Some of them we disagreed on. Some of us (all of us) have skipped a book once or twice. Occasionally you just have to show up to book club for the chips and salsa. Life happens and sometimes a book does not. No one cares, even though we will do a little bit of book shaming to kick off the meeting just for funsies. We don’t all have the same religious or political affiliations, so that leads to interesting and thoughtful conversations. If you’re looking to start a book club, I highly recommend people outside your immediate circle.

Okay, I think that’s it. Please enjoy these book club lists. Steal them and use them for your own club. Pick and choose a few that sound interesting. Read along at home with our current one and tell me what you think when I post the review on Instagram. Do whatever your little heart desires. I just hope you’re reading books, good books that stretch your heart and mind and world.

(I was going to link all of these to my Amazon store, but the amount of work that would take for, maybe, $3 of income is just not worth it. Obviously. You buy them from your favorite bookseller. Good luck.)

2019 Selections
January: Educated by Tara Westover
February: Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell
March: Option B by Sheryl Sandberg
April: The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
May: The Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll
June: Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist
July: $2 a Day by Kathryn Edin & Luke Shaefer
August: Made You Up by Francesca Zappia
September: Breaking Free by Rachel Jeffs
October: Shopgirl by Steve Martin
November: Shrill by Lindy West
December: Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

2020 Selections
January: Mothers, Daughters, and Body Image by Hillary L. McBride
February: Wilder Girls by Rory Power
March: Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson
April: Boy Toy by Barry Lygo
May: Ruthless Gods by Emily A. Duncan
June: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith
July: Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson
August: Nothing to See Here by Kevin Wilson
September: Rabbit by Patricia Williams
October: Summer of ’69 by Elin Hilderbrand
November: Gather the Daughters by Jennie M
December: Anxious People by Frederick Backman

2021 Selections
January: Lake Life by David James
February: Kindred by Octavio Butler
March: The Book of Lost Friends by Lisa Wingate
April: The Lowland by Jhumpa L
May: Blessed Monsters by Emily A. Duncan
June: Becoming Mrs. Lewis by Patti Callahan
July: Somebody’s Daughter by Ashley Ford
August: My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward by Mark L
September: Washington Black by Esi E
October: American Fire by Monica
November: Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi
December: The Inexplicable… by Benjamine A

2022 Selections
January: Naked by David Sedaris
February: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
March: How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez
April: Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans
May: Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner
June: The Push by Ashley Audrain
July: The Year We Left Home by Jean Thompson
August: What Is a Girl Worth? by Rachel Denhollander
September: Salvage the Bones by Jesmyn Ward
October: The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai
November: Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
December: The Sweetness of Forgetting by Kristin Harmel

And here’s what we’re reading next year.

2023 Selections
January: Start With Hello by Shannan Martin
February: Confessions of an Alleged Good Girl by Joya Goffney
March: We Should Hang Out Sometime by John Sundquist
April: All My Rage by Sabaa Tahir
May: Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng
June: The Idea of You by Robinne Lee
July: Red at the Bone by Jacqueline Woodson
August: Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
September: This is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett
October: The Resting Place by Camilla Sten
November: Fire Keeper’s Daughter by Angeline Boulley
December: Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson

I’m confident you can find your next good read from this list. If you want my opinion on most of the past selections, you can find them on Instagram: @themarygrahamreads.

Happy reading!

2022 Travel Highlights

2022 was a busy year. Here’s where we went and how we got there.

February
Ellie, my brother, and I took a surprised trip to New York City for Ellie’s 13th birthday. A snowstorm tried to stop us—and it did delay our trip by half a day—but we made it in time for Hamilton on Broadway and a few days exploring the city. (more on that trip here)

March
We took a day trip to Louisville, Kentucky, for my dad’s birthday. We went to a record sale, did some antiquing, ate delicious food, and visited the Louisville Slugger Museum.

For spring break, we spent a week in Destin, Florida. My mom went with us on this trip. We got to introduce her to Buccee’s and lazy days at the beach. It was a little windy and chilly some days, but it beat a week in freezing cold Indiana, obviously.

May
We spent the long Memorial Day weekend camping with friends in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains in Kentucky. We stayed at the Renfro Valley KOA and while we had lots of traveling mishaps on the way there and back (towing a camper is always an adventure, sigh), it was a good trip after the chaos of the end of school.

June
We took our annual trip to Austin Lake RV Park with Chris’ brother and family. We got to meet our new niece for the first time. We spent 2-3 years trying out different spots to do our yearly trip, but last year we ended up here and decided it’s where we wanted to go back every summer. It’s such a fun place with so much to do, and I love the idea that we return every year together.

We spent a rainy weekend at Turkey Run State Park with friends. I love Turkey Run, but this trip was a wash, literally. We had fun, because camping with RVs means the rain doesn’t really bother you, but we definitely want to try again next summer with the hopes of better weather so we can hike and play outside. We did get one good day on the river, though, so it was still a good trip.

July
[This should be where I write about our annual 4th of July trip to Michigan. It’s my favorite trip of the year. Except this year we got COVID and had to cancel. *insert many sobs here* But don’t worry, I’ll make up for it in a few months.]

I spent a week in Columbus, Ohio for work. That doesn’t seem like a trip I should add to the list because work travel is exhausting in its own special way, but I slept in a king-size bed by myself for a week while other people made all my food and I didn’t have to care for anyone but myself. So it was definitely a vacation.

We ended up back in Louisville, Kentucky, with my dad for a Louisville Bats (minor league baseball) game. This was his Father’s Day gift. All gifts for my dad are baseball related.

September
For Labor Day weekend, we drove to southern Indiana to spend three days camping in Santa Claus, Indiana. We spent a day at Holiday World, did all the Christmas-themed stuff around town, and avoided the rain as much as we could. It was a fun trip, but I don’t feel the need to camp there again. That place is packed FULL of campers, and we like a little more space when camping.

[Fun twist: It was supposed to rain the day we planned to go to Holiday World, but the rain kept getting pushed back, so we ended up going and just bracing for rain. It came about 1.5 hours before close, around the time we were ready to leave. But guess what happens when there’s a threat of rain all day? Holiday World enacts their Worry-Free Weather Guarantee and, if you get rained out, they let you use your tickets for another day for free. An IG follower who works there shared this info with me, so now we get to return next season and use our tickets again. Sweet.]

October
A friend and I flew to Florida and boarded a very big ship for a 7-day cruise to western Caribbean. We visited Honduras and made a few stops in Mexico. It was fun and relaxing, even though I’m still not sold on cruises as a normal way to see the world. [more on that trip here]

Over fall break, we camped at Lieber State Rec Area and had the best time. I had no idea this place would be as great as it was and can’t wait to return.

December
We pulled the girls out of school a week early and drove to northern Michigan for skiing and playing in the snow. We’d been to Boyne Mountain Resort years ago when the girls were small, and it was summer. (details here) It was fun to go back in the winter when they’re older and have a whole different set of adventures and experiences. I wish we had introduced the girls to skiing when they were younger, but we’re not giving up yet. [more details on here]

2022 was an odd travel year. A May trip to Florida with a friend was cancelled the morning I was supposed to fly out because of fog delays at the airport and people we were traveling sick with COVID. Chris and I were supposed to fly to Oregon for a friends’ wedding in August, but had to cancel because it didn’t feel responsible to spend that much money with the rising costs due to inflation. And, of course, we had to cancel Michigan in July.

On the plus side, we got to do lots of traveling (masked the whole time because we don’t want to get sick again AND we don’t want to visit other communities and make them sick). It was not the year we planned, but it was still good. Lots of adventures. Lots of memories. Lots of new places with good friends.

I’m excited for 2023. We’ve got some fun trips planned. And I can’t wait to see what unexpected places we end up as well.

Favorite Books of 2022

I read a little over 120 books this year. I only know this because I like to share reviews on Instagram, and I just went back and counted all of them. Don’t suggest something logical or easy like GoodReads, I’m not going to use it. I have an account I haven’t looked at in years. Sorry not sorry.

I know there are a few books I never posted on IG, because I sometimes forget to take pictures of books before I returned them to the library, but I think 140 is a pretty safe assertion.

I have a hard time telling you what my favorite books are. Do you want the best based on writing style and sentence structure? The best based on my inability to put it down? The best twist? The ones that made me laugh the most? I don’t want to hurt any books’ feelings. I read lots of good books this year. I also read some bad books this year and quit a few because I learned in my 30s I don’t want to waste my time with bad books.

So here’s my list for 2022. I tried to pick a little of everything, but this is like picking a favorite child (my dogs, my favorite children are my dogs…). Apologies to the other books I read this year and loved that did not make the list. I still love you too.

The Great Believers by Rebecca Makkai (link)
The Great Believers is a story about a woman growing up in the 80s during the height of the AIDS crisis. Her brother dies of AIDS before the story starts, and we follow her and her friends (his friends, too) through a heartbreaking time of love, loss, and confusion. I loved this story and felt so invested in these boys’ lives. It was beautiful and horrible. I still think about this story months later.

The Golden Couple by Greer Hendrick and Sarah Pekkanen (link)
This one hooked me from the first page. The twists! The unreliable narrator! The mental games! I never knew what was coming next or who to trust, and I loved it. This book is a perfect vacation read, something to keep you up late at night. Don’t read this one if you are short on time, because once you get started it will be hard to stop this fun book.

The Heart’s Invisible Furies by John Boyne (link)
This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. The Heart’s Invisible Furies by John Boyne is a beautiful and sad story of Cyril Avery, a boy born to an unwed teenage girl in 1940’s Ireland. The way Boyne weaves history and Avery’s journey to know himself is stunning. It took a while to get into this book and to find the rhythm of the story/language, but once I was in, I could not have enjoyed it more. I laughed out loud on multiple occasions and cried hard at the end. I did not want this story to be over.

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer (link)
It took me forever to read Braiding Sweetgrass, but only because it’s so thoughtful and wise that I needed time to digest Wall Kimmerer’s essays. I own the paperback copy and borrowed the audiobook from the library, and it was nice going back and forth between the two.

This Time Tomorrow by Emma Straub (link)
I hesitate to explain too much about This Time Tomorrow because if I had known what it was about, I probably wouldn’t have picked it up. It’s got a science fiction element and that genre is not normally my jam. But this book was wonderful and sad and touching. The main character, Alice, has a close relationship with her father and as he lies in a hospital bed dying, she wakes up one morning to relive her 16th birthday. From there, the story goes full-on time travel. Again, I would have quit this one if I had seen that phrase ahead of time, but I’m so glad I didn’t. This is a love story, a story about the love between a parent and a child, and I’m so glad I didn’t miss it.

Counterfeit by Kirstin Chen (link)
Counterfeit by Kirstin Chen is just fun. I started it on a Friday night and spent the next 24 hours consuming this book. I assume they’ll make a movie of it sometime soon, so read it before that happens. I love the schemes, the friendship, the unreliable narrator, the whole thing—if you’re looking for a book to not put down, this is for you.

Everything Sad is Untrue by Daniel Nayeri (link)
I picked Everything Sad is Untrue because of the beautiful writing and storytelling. I’ve not read a book like this before and, while it took me a while to find the rhythm, once I did, I loved Nayeri’s stories, observations, and memories. Being an immigrant child in America is such a disorienting experience and Nayeri encompasses the heartache, confusion, and chaos well.

Did Ye Hear Mammy Died? by Seamas O’Reilly (link)
Please listen to the audiobook version of this book. I don’t think I’ve giggled so much from one book. It’s sad (O’Reilly’s mother dies when he’s young), but he shares his childhood in Ireland as one of 11 children. I wish I could write this clear and cleverly. If you liked the show Derry Girls, this should be your next read…er, listen.

What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey (link)
First off, I don’t think Oprah really adds anything to this book (she shares she’s never been to therapy and that’s a huge red flag for me), but Perry’s insights, lessons, and stories are profound. I think What Happened to You? is something everyone should read. It is such a kind, merciful way of thinking about relationships, people, and why we do what we do. If you’ve been meaning to read The Body Keeps the Score but have been put off because it’s so heavy and technical, this book is a great replacement.

The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman (link)
I didn’t realize The Man Who Died Twice was the second book in the Thursday Murder Club series but I’m sharing this one because it’s the book that made me love this series, the characters, and the writing. Osman’s stories are a mix of Murder She Wrote (old people solving mysteries!) and the Golden Girls (the snappy writing! the attitudes!). After I read this one, I went back and read the first book. It was delightful as well, but I really just loved the second one more. The third book came out this year, and it’s sitting in my queue to be read as I type this. I am ridiculously excited about it. This series is just really fun.

Every Last Secret by A.R. Torre (link)
Rounding out my list with this psychological thriller about a woman whose neighbor is trying to steal her husband. Every Last Secret is full of mind games, manipulation, and twists. It’s the perfect book to read this winter if your goal is to not leave the house for a few days.

Boyne Mountain in December

We just can’t quit Michigan.

We’re supposed to be knocking off more states in our quest to visit all 50, but Michigan keeps calling us back. The week before Christmas we headed north to Boyne City, Michigan, for a week of skiing, playing, shopping, and relaxing.

We began the week by staying at a two-bedroom condo at Mountain Run at Boyne. We had a cozy fireplace and a view of the slopes. At the end of the week, we moved to Boyne Mountain Resort to spend three days at the main lodge.

We had access to the resort from Mountain Run—it was a five minute walk to get there—but staying onsite was nice too. It made it easier for the girls to run down at 5:00 every day for warm cookies and walking to our decadent breakfast every morning was convenient.

We introduced the girls to skiing; one child took to it quickly and loved it, one child did not. We walked the Skybridge twice, once when there wasn’t much snow on the ground and once when it was snowy and beautiful. We spent a day in Petoskey shopping and exploring. I got to spend hours thrifting. We ate a delicious dinner at the Whi-Ski Inn in Boyne City. The girls spent an afternoon at Avalanche Bay going down waterslides and floating the lazy river. We read books and watched movies. We sipped hot chocolate and hot cider around a fire pit as it snowed. We sat in hot tubs and swam in heated pools as the snow fell on our heads. We worked on a puzzle and ordered pizza when we were too tired to move.

It was a magical week. Michigan never disappoints.

Side note with some affiliate links: The girls opened a few Christmas presents before our trip, things we bought for the adventure. They got rolling luggage and Kindle Paperwhites, plus cute winter pajamas for the lodge. I got some new snow pants that I highly recommend buying if you’re in the market for a new pair. I thrifted most of the girls ski stuff, and Ellie’s fuzzy boots got many compliments during the week. I used the packing cubes I bought for Mexico, and I’m still in love with them. I don’t understand what voodoo makes them work, but they are amazing. Also, don’t forget your sunscreen for skiing!

Recipe: Bold Chex Mix

I’ve shared this recipe before, but it’s hidden on a post with other stuff, so I felt it was time to give it its own time to shine.

There are a lot of things I look forward to during the holiday season, and one of those things is this Chex Mix.

Could I make it anytime? Yes.

Do I? Nope.

It’s not fancy, but it’s something we anticipate every holiday season. Here’s how to make my bold Chex Mix.

Ingredients:
– 3 cups each of wheat, rice, and corn Chex cereal (off brand is fine!)
– 8 oz. of butter
– 3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
– 2 tablespoons seasoned salt
– 1 teaspoon garlic powder
– 1 teaspoon onion powder
– whatever else you’d like to add: pretzels, nuts, crackers, etc.

Recipe:
1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees.
2. Melt 8 tablespoons of butter.
3. In a large bowl, combine the melted butter with the Worcestershire sauce, seasoned salt, garlic powder, and onion powder. Stir.
4. Pour in the Chex cereal plus whatever additions you have.
5. Stir until the butter mixture coats the cereal well.
6. Pour cereal onto a baking sheet and spread evenly.
7. Bake for 60 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes.
8. Transfer to parchment paper or newspaper to cool.
9. Once completely cool, store in an airtight container.

You can do this in the microwave, and it saves a lot of time. I used to do it like this, but I think the oven gives it a better flavor. If you want to microwave, do 15-20 minutes in the bowl, stirring every 5 minutes.

As you can tell from the ingredient amounts, this is a garlicky, salty Chex Mix. If you don’t like loud flavors, this will not be the recipe for you. This is like the original recipe from the side of the Chex Mix cereal box, but turned up about 10 times. Make sure you have a glass of water on standby.

I like to include a bag of this with my holiday cookie deliveries. It’s a nice savory balance to sweets. I’d make this for your next holiday party or gathering. Just set it on the table with all the other snacks and see what happens.

Then share this link with everyone because it’s gonna be a hit. I promise.

2022 Partner Gift Guide

Here’s a very specific thing Chris Graham likes to do every day: shop the clearance section of his favorite stores. He rarely buys anything, but if he receives an email about a deal, he will diligently check the links and read all the details on every item.

He is an email marketers worse nightmare: he will click those links, but he’s not going to buy anything.

He also loves to watch movie trailers, even for movies he will never, ever see. It’s a good thing he’s cute, because none of this makes sense to me.

If you’re shopping for a partner who also confuses you most of the time, here’s what I’m suggesting. These are things that make my little weirdo happy.

Disclosure: affiliate links used

Nespresso Machine (link)
You’ll notice this theme as you work your way down, but coffee is Chris Graham’s lifeblood. We have a BUNN coffeemaker (we actually just got a new one after seven years with our old one) that makes our daily coffee, but my husband requires more than just a pot of coffee most days. Enter: the Nespresso machine.

Cotopaxi Pullover (link)
If you see Chris Graham in public this winter, I’d bet money he’s wearing one of these pullovers. He’s got a few and loves them enough to keep buying more even though they’re a little pricey. (Side note if you like to shop for yourself while shopping for others: Cotopaxi has the most amazing hip packs [fanny packs?]. This bag just makes me so happy.)

Apple Music Subscription (link)
I think if I ever cancelled our Apple Music subscription, someone would file for divorce. I’m very serious.

Specialty Chip Variety Pack (link)
For Father’s Day this year, we ordered this sampler pack of chips. If you have someone in your life who loves to try new foods or flavors, this would make a fun stocking stuffer. We paired this with a random variety of unique bottled soda for the perfect afternoon snack.

Death Wish Coffee (link)
This is extreme coffee for extreme coffee people. Be careful.

Matthew Reilly Series (link)
This is a series Chris Graham consumed. If you know a reader who enjoys sci-fi adventure, this would be a good series to gift. Bonus: You don’t have to wait for anymore books to come out—the bane of my existence—because it wrapped this year.

Solar Charger Power Bank (link)
This is for anyone who spends a lot of time outside or away from electricity. Or someone who just likes to be extra prepared at all times.

Waterproof Dry Bag Set (link)
If you spend any time on the water, you need a dry bag set. We use it for canoeing/kayaking, plus the beach or pool. I took the smaller cell phone holder on my cruise in October and it was handy for excursions.

Pocket Flashlight (link)
I don’t care how many flashlights you have, you probably need another one. Chris Graham carries this pocket one at work and, I’m sure, uses it daily.

Pocket Work Light (link)
I just said you can never have enough flashlights, so here’s a cool one that has a magnet on it. You can use it for camping, working on cars, home remodeling…the possibilities are endless. As someone who spent a significant amount of my childhood holding a flashlight up for my dad to see into the engine of a car, this could be life changing for the right person.

Rolling Ball Organizer (link)
Okay, technically, I ordered this and love it, but that’s only because I love organizing and cleaning up messes while my life partner loves chaos and piles. I got this rolling ball cart for our garage and every time I walk out there, it makes me happy. This one holds all the balls you’ve got around the garage, plus it has a few baskets for smaller stuff (tennis balls, jump rope, orange cones, etc.) and hooks on the side.

Armor Car Cleaning Wipe Kit (link)
Do you know someone who loves to clean their car? Or maybe just someone you want to send a very specific message to about how dirty their car is? Car cleaning kits are the way to go. Give these out of the kindness of your heart or to be passive-aggressive, it’s up to you.

Embarrassing Stoner Pullover (link)
I can’t believe I’m telling the world wide web about this, but ’tis the season. For YEARS—probably 10 or more—the love of my life has wanted a knit Mexican-style pullover. If you grew up in the 90s, you know exactly what I’m talking about. They should have stayed there, but they did not. Chris Graham is clean and sober, but in his soul, he’s still a dirty stoner kid. While I was in Mexico this fall, he texted me and asked if I’d pick him up a pullover. He knew I couldn’t say no; I was on a not-cheap trip with a friend for a week while he stayed home. The least I could do was bring him his stoner hoodie. So I did. I picked one up from a street vendor in Costa Maya and lugged it back home. He has not taken it off since. He’s probably wearing this right now as he proofreads this for me before I publish.

East Fork Mug (link)
Following our coffee theme, these mugs are rustic and beautiful. We really don’t need anymore coffee cups, but that’s not your business.

Gerber Mini Pocket Knife (link)
Nothing more of a flex than whipping out your pocket knife anytime someone has an issue. This is the one Chris Graham carries all the time. He also loses it all the time, so good thing they’re inexpensive.

Blackstone Grill Accessories (link)
If you need a gift for someone with a Blackstone, this grill accessory set is fun. In the summer, we try to cook on ours as much as possible. That lid is good for veggies or breakfast stuff. We don’t have a spatula set yet, but that would be a good idea too.

Black Converse Sneakers (link)
I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but Chris Graham likes to wear a pair of shoes until they fall apart. He has to be bullied into buying a new pair. Adding new shoes to the list, if you too, have someone in your life who hates to buy new shoes for themselves but really needs them.

Bucket of Bungee Cords (link)
A bucket of bungee cords? Hell yes. There’s always a need to secure something down and nothing more fun than showing off an extensive bungee collection when the time calls. Total dad stuff.

State Park Pass (link to Indiana SP Pass)
I’ve linked to the Indiana state park pass, but, you know, buy one for your state, not mine. That seems silly to say, but I’ve been on the internet long enough to know that I have to. We’re buying two state park passes this year: one for Chris and our family and one for my dad who is retiring and will have a lot more time for adventures. This would be a good gift for young families too!

2022 Favorite Things

I always laugh when I make these shopping guides because they are so very specific. Do you like to garden while listening to murder podcasts and then at night turn on a lamp while wearing old man pajamas?

Well then, do I have some gift ideas for you.

Disclosure: affiliate links used

Duluth Heirloom Gardening Overalls (link)
Whether you like to work outside or just like to look like you do, these overalls are my favorite weekend outfit. They’re lightweight enough to wear in the summer and you can easily layer a long-sleeve shirt underneath if you need to. I’ve tried some of Duluth’s other overalls, but they felt too bulky. (Or perhaps they’re just made for legit outdoor people and I’m only a novice.) These are one of my favorite purchases of the year.

Turtlenecks (Land’s End or Old Navy)
I’m 41 now and my aesthetic is turtlenecks and overalls. I did not see this coming, but there’s no going back. I like the ones linked above from Land’s End and Old Navy because they have lots of color options (although, I really just like black…), and they come in long. That’s good because no one wants to see a tall person in a crop top turtleneck.

Slow Cooker with Saute Function (link)
It might seem silly to have a slow cooker on my favorites list, but hear me out: a slow cooker with a saute function will change your life. I’m so serious. So many recipes make you cook or brown something before adding it to the Crockpot and for years, I just skipped those recipes because no. I will not be cooking food to put in the slow cooker thats whole purpose is to save me time. But a slow cooker that lets me brown meat or saute veggies IN IT? I know this makes me sound like a 41-year-old mom who wears turtlenecks, but game changer.

Fleece Blanket (link)
My philosophy on blankets is there is no such thing as too many blankets. This is where Chris Graham and I disagree, but if you’ve ever seen my house, you know I am winning this argument. Also, our family still manages to fight over blankets even though we have plenty? Families are weird. When I was a kid, we had this blanket we called the “soft blanket” and everyone knew exactly which blanket it was. It was teal and had satin around the edge. I can feel it right now as I type this. That’s the power of a good blanket—and why I’m buying the one linked above for Christmas. It’s got soft blanket vibes.

The Heart’s Invisible Furies by John Boyne (link)
I forgot to add this to the picture before I finished, but it’s my favorite book of the year. Everyone should read it. I still think about this book all the time, and I read it in June. The Heart’s Invisible Furies destroyed me and gave me so much hope at the same time. This book is in my top five books of all time.

Schitt’s Creek mug (link)
I got this mug for Mother’s Day, and I use it all the time. It’s oversized, which I love, and tells everyone about one of my favorite TV shows.

Sun Hat (link)
Speaking of being 41, I wear a sun hat in the pool now. Mostly because I spend a lot of money on my face, and I don’t want to waste all that money. I love this hat because I can wear my hair up without it being weird, and it travels well.

Wooden Spoon Set (link)
First of all, I will not be referring to these as “spurtles” even though that’s, apparently, their name? Absolutely not. Last year, I began replacing all my random kitchen utensils with wooden ones. There are lots of reasons: less plastic in the kitchen, lasts longer, blah blah blah. But also, they’re just really pretty. So I did it for all the reasons, and, a year later, I don’t regret the transition. This is a fun first set if you’re looking to do the same.

Duluth Apron (link)
I do most of my shopping online because I try to never leave my house, but this summer, I ended up at a Duluth store to return some stuff. While there, I grabbed this apron. I LOVE IT. It’s a little untraditional which makes me more likely to wear it, as I’m not a big fan of the aprons that go over your head and tie. I think this one is cute and doesn’t pull on your neck and has great pockets. It’s currently on clearance, so hurry if you think you need one.

Birk Clogs (Amazon link) (Birkenstock link) (Amazon dupe link)
Are Birkenstock clogs hard to find right now? Yes. I’m still suggesting them though, because I bought some for my birthday and I have not stopped wearing them since. I went with the blush pink pictured above which sounds like a risky choice but isn’t. Think of them as a neutral and wear them with everything. I ended up buying mine from a third-party seller on Amazon because the Birkenstock site was out of everything. I’ve linked both of them above, just in case. Also, there are some really good Birk dupes out, so if they’re out of your price range, go that route. Middle school Mary Ritter had the Walmart Birk dupes and to make up for that childhood travesty, I bought myself the real ones now, but you do what you need to. No shame.

Flannel Nightgown (link)
If you follow me on Instagram, you knew this was coming. If you don’t follow me on Instagram, sorry you missed the most embarrassing vintage Land’s End old man nightgown show-and-tell. Just use your imagination. Long story short, 2022 has been the year of pajamas for me. I’ve spent my whole adult life sleeping in old t-shirts and worn out exercise pants, so this year I decided to become a pajama person. It was the next step after turtlenecks and overalls, obviously. I’m mostly into pajama pants because I don’t like my leg skin to touch while I sleep (it’s fine, don’t even worry about it), but I have been testing the nightgown waters. If you want to also, grab the flannel ones above and we can be twinsies.

Vans High Tops (link)
I’m getting bright yellow high top Vans from Santa this year. That’s all you need to know.

Gold Necklaces (link)
I don’t wear much jewelry, but I do like some dainty gold necklaces I can wear around the clock. It makes me feel less schlumpy. My routine with dainty gold necklaces is to buy a set that comes in different lengths and wear 2-3 of them all together until they no longer look gold and then replace them. The set linked above has lasted 6+ months, even with lots of time spent in the pool this summer, wearing them in the shower, and multiple dips in the ocean this fall. These necklaces won’t quit. I wear the two shorter ones all the time and just add the longest one if an outfit calls for it.

Turkish Hand Towels (link)
Turkish towels were on my list last year; I like to use the large ones as bathroom towels and beach towels. They’re quick-drying and soft. So technically, I shouldn’t add them again, but this set is the kitchen towel, which is completely different and necessary. I love to use this size in the kitchen when I need a place to dry dishes and to wipe my hands on while I’m baking/cooking because they’re bigger than normal hand towels. I also like to use them if I’m giving someone a food gift; I wrap the goodies in one of these towels as part of the gift.

Old Navy Joggers (link)
I think these are the perfect joggers. They’re lightweight and super soft. They don’t feel or look like sweatpants, which I like. You could wear these to the gym, to the store, or around the house. I grabbed a few pairs last season and was excited to see them back this year. I ordered every new color so now I have five pairs. If you see me this winter, there’s a good chance I’ll be wearing them. These come in tall, but I like the length of the regular. I want a little ankle to show and like a more fitted look with these.

Hoop Earrings (link)
I just said I don’t wear much jewelry, but here we are going over another item of jewelry. Interesting. I work from home and have to be in Zoom meetings a lot. My trick to looking like I am not wearing loose fitting lounge clothes is earrings. I realize this makes me a geriatric millennial, but I still love a big hoop. Get over it. These are lightweight and fun. I’ve worn them for a year now, and they still make me happy.

Small Desk Lamp (link)
It’s winter, which means it’s officially lamp season. I think one of the keys to a cozy home is a lamp. Lots of lamps, actually. Overhead light feels harsh and sterile, but lamps? Cozy and welcoming. Now that it’s dark at 5:00, I am in full lamp mode. I linked one I got from Target recently, but who cares where you find good lamp. They’re everywhere, go crazy.

Packing Cubes (link)
Don’t skip this one. I know what you’re thinking: no one needs packing cubes, calm down. I thought the same thing, but this summer, I was influenced by Instagram to buy some. I used them for my trip this October and, I kid you not, they’re magical. The amount of stuff I was able to pack, the amount of space I still had in my luggage, and the way things weren’t hard to find when I needed them? Packing cubes are legit. If you know someone who travels or likes to organize stuff, this is a good gift. I know it seems unnecessary, but it’s not, I swear.

Fanny Pack (link)
This didn’t make it onto the collage above, but my ByTavi bag gets so many compliments and questions. You can wear it across your body or as a fanny pack. It’s the perfect size for a night out, traveling, or concerts. I use this all the time and have a 13 year old who steals it whenever she can. (ByTavi is having really good sales right now, but if you need a discount code, use MARY15 to get 15% off.)

Vitamin C Serum (link)
We’re all wearing sunscreen everyday, right? Okay, good. Put this vitamin C serum on before the sunscreen to help combat sun damage. I’ve been using this stuff for a few years and love it. [Side note: I was at the dermatologist a last week and picked up a prescription strength vitamin C that the tech suggested. As soon as I’m done with this bottle, I’m switching to that. I’ll keep you posted on the change.]

AirPods (link)
I think every parent should have a pair of AirPods if they’re able. I listen to a lot of audiobooks and podcasts, but don’t always want my kids hearing them. I can clean the house on the weekends, drive, and a million other things with one AirPod in and still hear/interact with my kids when I need to. They’re a lifesaver.

Winter Gloves (link)
It’s a very adult thing to have nice gloves, but it feels like such a luxury to not wear those cheap cotton ones that say one-size-fits-all but really doesn’t. If you, too, are trying to be an adult right now, buy yourself some adult gloves.

Weekly Meal Planning Sheets (link)
This might not be a good idea to give someone else, but I’m adding it here in case you want them for yourself. After years of printing a sheet off the internet or just randomly writing a list on a piece of printer paper, I ordered myself this pad. It keeps me organized, has a spot where I can make grocery notes if I need to, and has enough space for me to write reminders to my family on it.

Set of Blank Cards (link)
I realize it’s 2022, but I still love sending cards in the mail. Also, we’re a family that still writes thank you notes. I think they’re important and will absolutely judge you if I send you a gift and you don’t acknowledge it. That’s rude. Finally, there’s always a last-minute party or event you need a card for. This set of blank cards has a fun variety that will work for most occasions.

Flameless Candles (link)
Yes, I had flameless candles on a list last year, but these are tapered so it’s different. I’m really loving candle holders and tapered candles right now. Fully embracing my old lady style. I’ll probably light these while wearing a turtleneck.

Cast Iron Braiser (link)
I bought a teal version of this at Costco last year, and it has become my go-to pot for cooking. It’s the perfect size and easy to clean. Plus, it’s pretty.

2023 Leather Planner (link)
This is sold out right now, which is a big bummer because I didn’t order this when I should have, but I’m a paper planner person always and forever and this is what I plan to use for 2023. Don’t actually buy this when it comes in stock until I do though, thanks.

Honduras & Mexico

I would not call myself a cruise person. It’s just not really my style.

But I took a cruise a few weeks ago, and I had such a good time. Maybe it was the company. Maybe it was the lack of parenting responsibilities. Maybe it was the sunshine. Maybe it was the afternoon naps.

Maybe it was all those things combined. Either way, I took a 7-day West Caribbean cruise with my friend Christine, and we had the best time.

I still don’t think I’m a cruise person, but I’m sure I’ll take another one at some point. It can be an efficient, less expensive way to travel to some locations and, once you’re on board, it’s low key and low stress if you want it to be.

Here’s what we did: 7-day Royal Caribbean cruise on the Allure of the Seas. We left out of Port Everglades, and stopped in Roatan, Honduras, Costa Maya, Mexico, and Cozumel, Mexico. We flew into Fort Lauderdale, which is a less-than-ten-minute Uber ride from the port.

Our first port was Roatan, Honduras. We did an excursion to Big French Key and spent the day on the beach. We got to paddle board and kayak there, as well as have a catered lunch. There was a bar, a few shops, and a snorkeling boat trip you could take if you wanted to pay extra. We just stuck to the beach for the day. We booked this excursion through Royal Caribbean. If I could do it over again, I think we’d have booked an excursion for Little French Key instead. That side of the key had a few more things to do and you could swim with pigs. Pigs! We didn’t learn about that until we got back on the boat that night and were talking with our dinner companions. I don’t know if you could book Little French Key through Royal Caribbean or you have to do it separately. (I know the benefit of booking excursions through the cruise line is they’re verified and the boat won’t leave you behind if something happens, but thanks to Youtube and travel bloggers, there are a lot of legit excursions you can book for better prices with a little research.)

Our next port was Costa Maya. We didn’t have any excursions planned for this stop. We got off the boat and walked around the large shopping center right on the coast. There were two pools to swim in there, so technically we could have just stayed all day and been happy. But we ended up wandering outside of the shopping center and finding a place to rent taxis and golf carts. We shared a golf cart with a couple from the ship ($60 for 3 hours) and rode into town. It was about a 10-minute golf cart ride, and then you’re on the white sand beaches with much better shopping and food choices. We shopped, got the most delicious fresh-cut mango, got massages on the beach ($20 for an hour), and explored. There were lots of good excursion choices at this port, but I’m really glad we didn’t plan ahead to do anything. We had the most fun deciding what to do at the last minute.

Our final port was Cozumel. We made reservations through Tortugas Cozumel for a snorkeling by boat and an ATV tour through the jungle trip. It included Jade Caverns, exploring a Mayan cenote, Jeep rides around the island, tequila tasting event, a delicious lunch, open bar, and private beach. I did not want this day to end, it was perfect. I ended the excursion by sitting on a swing at the bar, eating warm tortillas, reading a book, and drinking a margarita. The ship could’ve left me there, and I would not have worried about it.

When we were at sea, the ship was packed with stuff to do: ice skate, see a show, go to a club, watch a movie, shop, zipline, rock climb, visit the spa, and so much more. We saw Mama Mia, listened to a Whitney Houston tribute show, played bingo like little old ladies, had 90 minute massages at the spa, stayed up late at for 80s and 90s night at the club, and ate pizza at 1 AM. I had Starbucks coffee every morning and a three-course dinner every night. I didn’t have to take care of anyone but myself, and I barely did that. I read two books, took some naps which never happens at home, and had someone else make my bed every morning and turn it down every night.

I know I said I’m not a cruise person. I still don’t feel like I’m a cruise person, even as a rave about how great this trip was. It was a fun experience, and I had a great time. It’s not the way I want to spend all my vacations, but taking a cruise once in a while to mix things up isn’t a bad way to see the world.

what is real

One of my favorite memories with Chris Graham is of a date we had. I think it was 2016.

We went out to dinner, a wings place near our house in the city, and had the best time. We had been missing each other, busy with life and kids and catching up felt exciting. We didn’t run out of things to say and, for once, it wasn’t me doing all the talking. Chris was just as engaged and vocal. He was paying attention. It felt magical.

He made me laugh that night. He hadn’t made me laugh in a while. I think my husband is funny, but not witty-funny. He’s awkward-funny. He’s dorky-funny. He’s I-didn’t-mean-for-that-to-be-funny funny. I find him entertaining, but probably not the way he’d like.

That night felt electric. We were happy. We were fed. We were together. We were content.

We drove home with the windows open. I can’t remember if it was spring or fall, but the feeling was we hadn’t been able to drive with the windows down for a while and now we could—it felt new and exciting. It might have even been one of those surprise winter evenings where it should have been snowing but instead it was unseasonably warm and every single person felt alive and free and hopeful.

I remember the feeling, and it matched our relationship at that very moment. Everything felt right and easy. We turned the music up as Chris zipped through the streets of our city making our way back home to our babies.

Chris was drunk that night.

I didn’t know it at the time, but he had been drinking most of the day. He wasn’t paying attention and engaging because that’s what people in love do on dates, but because he was drunk and trying hard to not show it. He wasn’t being dynamic and funny because he was feeling alive and free and hopeful like me, he was scared and hiding and pretending.

I’ve forgotten a lot of things about Chris being drunk and lying and hiding, but I’ve never forgotten that date. It still, almost five years later, feels like a blow every time I think of it.

That one still hurts to think about. How much I misread the situation. How much I enjoyed Chris’ personality when it was really another time he wasn’t showing up as himself because he didn’t know how.

There’s a part of me that feels embarrassed to say I had so much fun with Chris that night, and he had to be drunk for me to enjoy him.

——-

Last night as Chris was telling Ellie goodnight, he slurred a word.

She called me in afterward to let me know.

“I think you need to watch Daddy, he might be having a stroke,” she told me. “He slurred a word and then paused for a long time. Make sure he’s feeling okay.”

I assured her he was fine and then went to see if he was fine.

“Ellie thinks you’re having a stroke because you slurred a word,” I said. I wasn’t worried, exactly. But it’s hard to forget some things.

He smirked. “I was trying to think of a new word and I was halfway through saying ‘sleep’ before I could stop it.”

Ellie worries about her daddy. I worry about her daddy. Harper worries about her daddy. We all carry—in our own ways—the worries and anxieties of loving a recovering alcoholic. They show up differently, but they still show up. In our house, they show up as three Graham girls on high alert all the time. It is not the same exhaustion of active addiction, but it is still exhausting.

–—–

Chris Graham is silly now.

He’s silly with the girls at dinner. He’s silly with the dogs as he washes dishes. He’s silly with me as we sit next to each other at a baseball game in Louisville.

I don’t trust his silly.

Growing up in a home with abuse, addiction, and violence knocks the silly out of you really quick. I know Chris didn’t get to be silly as a kid. He didn’t get to be silly with his siblings. He didn’t get to be silly with his parents. It wasn’t safe to draw attention to himself so the last thing he’d want to do was be silly. He learned how to be quiet and not seen and ignored because that was what kept him safe as a child.

Adult Chris is safe now. And he’s starting to be silly again.

But, for me, silly means drinking. I fell in love with a quiet, hurting kid who thought the world required him to hide. It’s still challenging sometimes to recalibrate what I knew then to what I know now.

Chris Graham is sober. I know through his actions and through his words. I know through occasional glimpses of his AA work and friends. I know because of the way he’s showing up in the world now.

But I would be lying if I said my overwhelming urge to protect myself and my girls from that type of pain again doesn’t mean I still look at him suspiciously at times. That I brace myself when it looks like he’s having fun.

Trauma stole Chris Graham’s silly. My own trauma is tempted to do the same.

——-

Growing up in a home with violence, abuse, or addiction changes you forever. It alters the way you see the world and how you experience it, how you show up in it. That’s not just some weak way of excusing people’s behaviors, it’s actual science. When we’re children and growing, our brain stem is growing and developing as well. The experiences we have as children literally get “baked” into our brain stems; these childhood experiences create pathways we’ll use for the rest of our lives.

If your childhood was filled with trauma, chaos, and unsafe people, your brain learned that was the way life was and every single experience after that is filtered through that lens.

If your childhood was filled with safety, love, and stability, your brain stem learned that was the way life was and every single experience after that is filtered through that lens.

(You can read more about how trauma impact our brains in development here.)

Learning new pathways is possible. It’s a big part of recovery, retraining your brain to react differently. It is exhausting, hard work. A person doing this is constantly fighting their own brain, constantly uncomfortable and tired from the work of unlearning things that no longer serve them.

One of the ways Chris learned to be safe as a child was to lie. He lied about everything. He lied before he even thought about it. He still does this. Often, his first response to something is to lie, even when the truth is inconsequential. It’s so ingrained in him that sometimes he’s not even aware he’s doing it.

A lot of recovery, even now, is learning where the truth is. And for Chris, it involves being silly, being engaged in conversations, and making choices he doesn’t have to lie about later.

addiction in five stories

“Shawn met a woman, and she sobered him up,” my dad said. My aunt said. Everyone said.

“That’s not normally how that works,” I said, as gently as possible.

I understand the desperate desire for this to be true. The sudden death of his mom in a car accident, years of addiction, the loss of everything—his wife, his kids, his jobs, his house. I, too, want this new development to be true.

Even if I know it’s never quite that simple.

—–

Chris got the call in the evening.

“His liver and kidneys are shutting down, he’s in the hospital.”

Chris ran to put on shoes, to go see his friend. Matt, who had been a best friend in high school and after, who had been so easy-going and quick to laugh, who had been right beside Chris as he spiraled into addiction. Matt who didn’t have to hide his vices like Chris did. Matt who was now dying because of them.

He didn’t end up going to the hospital that night; Matt was already unconscious. He died the next morning, just shy of 40 years old.

This one, of all the ways alcoholism and addiction have taken from Chris, hurt the most. The reality of what could have been, what should have been, was too close to home.

“The only difference between Matt and I,” Chris said, “was that I had people who told me enough was enough. Who will tell you to stop when everyone is living the same life?”

She sat at the table facing the judge in a floral dress and short-sleeve sweater. She wanted her kid back.

“I’ve been clean 90 days today. I don’t have anyone to be proud of me for that, but I’m proud of me,” she said.

She wanted to get out of town, but she doesn’t have a car and she needs a better job to buy a car. But all the good jobs are in Indianapolis. And she needs a car to get there. Everyone here is someone she used to use with, so it’s easier to just not go outside.

She’s a prisoner in her own home, trying to stay clean and sober and get her kid back.

“I’m doing everything I’m supposed to,” she said, “but I’m also stuck here.”

I’m proud of her, but I can’t say that from where I sit.

—–

I wrote down this quote from a book I was listening to, but I didn’t write down the name of the book and I read so many books that I have no idea where it came from.

“I’ve been sober a month now,” Jeff said.

“All due respect, Jeff, but you’re not sober yet. You just don’t stink so bad,” replied Rhonda.

I stood next to a cornfield on a sunny afternoon in August. It was the kind of day you imagine summer in the Midwest will be: clear and blue, sunny and breezy. It was not too hot. There were puffy, fake clouds in the sky.

I thought about how long it takes to get the stink of addiction off. I thought about how it lingers forever.

I walked back home.

—–

My cousin ended up in the hospital. His new girlfriend—the one who got him sober—calls to tell us he’s not doing well. She is adamant to the doctors, the nurses, the custodians: he has not been drinking.

She would know, of course. She’s the one who finally convinced him to stop. She saved him. Her love saved him.

—–

At the end of July, we went to Matt’s funeral. It is filled with people from Chris’ past.

He doesn’t want to go.

He has to go.

The friends have gotten older, fatter, like all of us. They look tired. They look like their high school selves—in the same style clothes, with the same shoes and cars—but worn out. Drugs and alcohol don’t age well. These people are, in many ways, the same people Chris left all those years ago.

Arrested development describes a person who is “stuck” at an early phase of emotional development. It happens in childhood or adolescences as a response to an experience that they are unable to resolve. It freezes you in a mental state, in a specific period of time, and, while you age, you don’t mature or grow.

At the funeral, we are surrounded by these boys who look like men, but who do the exact same things they did twenty years ago. It makes me want to weep. I wish things were different.

Sometimes I cannot carry the weight of the grief and loss I see. From people who have died. From people who only think they are living.

On my daily walks, I pass crushed beer cans and empty pints of hard liquor in the ditch. I know which ones are new and which ones have been there for years.

Fireball
PBR
Jack Daniels
Coors Light
Coors Light
99 Butterscotch

I do not, most days, think they are my husbands. I know better.

But some days, I think they are.

—–

“He was detoxing,” my aunt tells me when I text to check on Shawn.

“Never trust a drunk,” she replies.

It is, as I said, never quite that simple.

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