friends – Page 2

Joe on his birthday

Today my friend Joe would have turned 41 but instead of singing ‘happy birthday’ we’re mourning him. Joe passed away last June in a car accident. I wrote this the week after he died and couldn’t imagine doing life without him. That reality is still hard to swallow nine months later.

We spent the weekend doing things my friend Joe would have loved. That made it all the more bittersweet to think he’s no longer here to enjoy them.

Teaching middle school is an odd experience. You spend the majority of your day with little-to-no adult contact. So when you get those stolen moments away from kids: during a passing period, at lunch, or on your prep period, you feel almost giddy about interacting with adults. It’s during those moments that you bond. You bond over crazy kids, bad bosses, inappropriate jokes, and what you did last weekend when you escaped this place.

This profession is wearing, unglamorous, and mostly thankless. It takes a ridiculous person to choose to teach middle schoolers. They are awkward and gross and unsure. The good news is they’ll grow out of it and be normal again soon. But we get them for those glorious years and try to love them when it’s hard to sometimes even like them.

The adults you’re in the trenches with become your dearest friends. Some better than others but there is this camaraderie that can only come from the test tube of middle school. You watch your fellow teachers get married, have kids, live lives and you’re doing it with them. You take a break from each other in the summer but still text and hang out occasionally. Then school starts again and you pick up right where you left off. No one understands the job unless you’re in it so the bond forms quickly and last forever.

During that break when someone leaves unexpectedly, like Joe did in a car accident, you reel in so many directions. It doesn’t seem possible that he’s gone because it’s summer break and you know when we all stumble back into school the week before kids return that he’ll be there setting up his classroom and making copies just like you. He’ll be walking down the hall with a smile and a kind word for everyone. On Fridays he’ll send out an all-staff email inviting everyone to a “meeting” at the local bar after school. And when Valentine’s Day comes, he’ll hand out Star Wars valentines and dollar carnations to all the female staff members. He can’t be gone because it was just summer break. We’re all gone over summer break, but we all come back. That’s how it works.

I believe you have to be a little bit off to teach middle school. It’s not a bad thing, but to survive in this job, you have to be a special breed. Joe was made to teach middle school. He was a middle-aged white guy who made up raps about putting your name on your paper, liked to walk down the hall with his python Monty (get it??) wrapped around his neck, spend all his money at the book fair buying kitty posters for male teachers, and occasionally came to school dressed as his “twin brother” that he pulled off so convincingly that former students now in college still believe he has an identical twin.

I don’t know how to do middle school without him. I don’t know how to eat lunch in the teacher’s lounge without him. I don’t know how to get in the building after a big snow without Joe driving his truck through the parking lot making paths for everyone. I don’t know how school is going to work now.

Joe was one of those annoying people that always had something nice to say about everyone even when you happened to be in the middle of complaining about them. He just couldn’t see the bad in people and was eternally optimistic. It was super-frustrating to want to whine about something and for Joe to try to spin it into something positive. JUST LET ME BITCH, I’d say.

When I first learned that Joe had died, I didn’t believe it. I immediately called his cell phone thinking it was just some kind of joke and he would answer the phone laughing and yell “PSYCH!” like he did with students.

But he didn’t answer.

He had been gone for about five hours at that point. I felt like I should have sensed it, that I should have known in my soul when a good friend had died. Like in the movies when a character pauses because of an unsettling feeling and later finds out something bad was happening at moment. I think life should be like that. I should be able to feel a little piece die inside when I lose someone important. It shouldn’t happen every day when I wake up and I realize all over again that he’s not here. It should be immediate and permanent, not something that I have to relearn every day.

That’s the hardest part about losing someone. The losing them over and over again.

from jealous to proud

There were so many sweet things that came from writing love notes to my girlfriends a few weeks ago. It went better than I had imagined and the things I walked away with will stay with me for a long time. That was unexpected, to be honest.

As we sat around the table sharing our valentines with each other, we talked about our experience writing them. My wise friend Jessi said this was like a writing exercise in that she had to sit down and think through what she wanted to say. I said it was for me too, that I wanted to be very intentional with my words so it took a lot of time to come up with just the right things to say.

It took me a few days to write my eight letters. I would write a few and then feel spent, so I’d wait a day or two and do a few more. Jessi said she tried to think of what she was proud of each of us for, but it started out in a place of jealousy. She had to figure out what she was jealous of, work her way through those feelings of not wanting to be jealous of her friends, and then write out what everyone was good at, what she saw as our strengths, and tried to be happy for us instead of envious.

I couldn’t have summed up better what writing those cards was like for me. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until Jessi said it out loud.

The thing is I don’t want to be a thirty-something adult who is jealous of my friends. I want to root my friends on and feel elated when good things come their way. I want to be excited and celebrate their successes and champion hard for them. But I first had to admit that sometimes I’m jealous of them and then figure out how to get rid of it.

There will always be people that have what I want. Or what I think I want. But I don’t want to be jealous of my friends. I want to be cheerleaders for them and happy, so happy, for them.

Their stories are different from mine, we can’t all be doing the same things and be good at the same things, that’s not the way it works. And I don’t want to ruin relationships because I can’t get a grip on my jealousy. I don’t want to miss out on encouraging and uplifting others because I can’t handle my own insecurities, my own sense of never being fulfilled or having enough.

Man, what an eye-opening conversation, what an eye-opening exercise in learning about myself and my mess. I don’t want to be jealous, I know it robs me of so much joy. It clouds my vision and makes me blind to the things I have and instead lets me focus on all the things I don’t.

I don’t want to live like that.

Recently my friend Laura put together a women’s writing group. We meet once a month to talk writing (nerd alert: I LOVE to talk about writing) and to support and encourage each other. I love the idea of this. But I’ve had to deal with some insecurities to get to be excited about it. Writing is a very solitary thing and inviting others in can be scary. Being around talented people can be scary. But I have prayed hard that I won’t be jealous of these women. I want nothing but joy to come from our interactions. I want to be around smart, successful, powerful women and not feel like we’re against each other.

I don’t want to live like that.

So that’s what I’m doing with intention now. Being purposeful, happy, and proud of my friends, joyful they are strong where I am weak and delighted that they are brilliant in areas I can only dream about. I have such talented friends, guys. I am such a lucky girl.

writing love notes to my girlfriends

Yes, you read that right.

This Valentine’s Day, I’m writing love notes to all my First Thursday girls. (First Thursday girls are a group of my friends from high school that get together the first Thursday of every month for dinner at someone’s house. I’ve known the majority of these girls since I was in kindergarten. I think we’ve been doing this for almost two years at this point.)

At our Christmas shindig I explained my idea for February’s dinner and everyone rolled their eyes. Mostly because they’re just tired of me coming up with weird ideas and making them do it so I can write about it. But here’s my thinking: some of us give cards to our spouses or boyfriends and some of us don’t give cards to anyone because we’re single. And while romantic love is grand and lovely and blah blah blah, there are a lot of other people in my life that I love and I probably don’t tell enough.

Last year I wrote about how I love Valentine’s Day and wish more people didn’t think it was such a terrible thing. But one of the reasons I love this completely made-up and ridiculous holiday is because I get to do fun stuff with my kids whom I love dearly, I get to wear pink and red to school and not feel like I’m clashing, and people are just nicer to each other on this day. So when I was thinking about loving people well (something I want to do better), I thought about all the non-romantic love I have for people in my life and how they might not know how much I dig them.

So I’m writing love notes to my girlfriends this year. And I’m making them write them also even though they’re all grumbling and one person has dubbed this “lesbian card exchange.” I’m not asking for everyone to write page-long letters to everyone else in the group, but I am asking everyone to write something. A little encouragement, a thanks, a funny story, a favorite memory of them, whatever, I’m just asking my friends to write to each other. It’s making some people really uncomfortable and I realize that not everyone loves to write like I do, but I do know that everyone likes to receive cards and handwritten ones are best, so we’re working through the grumbling.

I’m also completely aware that my friends are good sports. I find it slightly funny that they roll their eyes at my ideas and then just do it anyway. Those are some good friends, guys. Go get yourself some of those if you don’t have them.

So tonight I’m exchanging Valentine’s Day cards with my girlfriends. I didn’t think through whether we’d open them up in front of everyone, I kinda hope we don’t, but I can’t wait to hand out my cards. And I hope this sticks, that we get to spend every February for years to come trading cards with each other. Some of these girls were around to put their Cabbage Patch and Lisa Frank cards in my shoebox mailbox in elementary school and I’m just thankful they’re still in my life. And that they just roll their eyes and accept me.

annual favorite things party

I’m going to go ahead and say that our Favorite Things Party is my favorite holiday event. Sorry family, you’re nice and all, but this one is the best.

My First Thursday friends (girls I graduated high school with and hang out with once a month) and I started this tradition last year and it was so much fun that we decided to make it a yearly occurrence. We brought decadent, guilt-producing, delicious food (I made whipped cheesecake and holiday potatoes), drank adult beverages, and exchanged gifts. So much fun.

The premise of the Favorite Things Party is that each person comes up with a present that they love (our money limit was $10 per gift), buys enough of it for everyone (in our case, eight other people), and then we take turns explaining our gifts and why we love it while our friends open them. It’s fun to hear what my friends love, what makes their lives easier, what they do to relax, and what they hope we get out of their gifts.

What did everyone get, you ask? Well, thanks for asking.

Kristen brought everyone Indiana glassware so we could start collecting the set that she’s been coveting. I had never seen them before, but now want the rest too. Plus, she threw in some classy gum. (I can’t find the glass online, but she got her goods from this awesome, local store that sells tons of Indiana stuff if that’s your thing.)

One thing I think of when I think about high school is riding around in Melissa’s blue Mustang. We all loved that car and I remember vividly that she always had air fresheners for the vents or hanging from the mirror. Which is funny that she bought everyone car air fresheners but ones that are a million times better than the ones from the nineties. (Side note: she might have also been covering up the smell of smoke when we were in high school but those days are in the past, right Mom?) These sparkly ones from Bath & Body Works clip to your visor and then have refillable scents. Mine is already hanging out in my minivan making things sweet and peppermint-y.

Emily brought everyone a night of relaxation: fuzzy socks, popcorn, pop, and a scented candle. All I have to add is a good book and I’ll be set for hours. As someone who really likes to spend time alone, this gift really speaks to me.

My friend Heather who has been on this running quest with me this year got everyone new running socks. Not everyone in our group is a runner, but more people are testing out the waters after seeing Heather and I survive some long runs. It makes me proud to see how far we’ve run this year and that Heather wants to share that new joy with others.

Jessi is the expert pie maker; she makes tons of pies every holiday season and she surprised all of us with chocolate cream pies in customized pie dishes. We’re still working our way through our delicious pie (that she made crustless since I’m still trying to eat paleo-ish) and rumor has it my last name will be inscribed on the bottom when we finish it off. I don’t even know what to do with that, it’s just too fancy.

Jessica shared The Wet Brush with us and it is CHANGING LIVES. Have you heard of this before? Jessica cuts my hair which makes her a very patient woman, but she also has young daughters with ratty hair and less patience with them. And I, as the mom of children with the most tender heads in the world, will try anything to make the screaming stop. This brush is magical. I don’t know how it works and why, but I will use no other brush forever and ever, amen. (Another side note: does more screaming mean you brush harder or does that just happen at my house? Eh.)

Amber brought her favorite ways to make it through the winter months without getting sick. She’s got three kids and runs the children’s programing at a local health club so she gets germy often. New soap and hand sanitizer that smell great are never bad ideas.

Jennifer thinks we all stink so she got us perfume. Just kidding. I think. But a girl can never have enough perfume.

And my favorite thing this year was very similar to last year’s favorite thing. I obviously have a thing for lip gloss. I never wear lipstick, but I’ve always got gloss or Chapstick nearby. So I gave everyone C.O. Bigelow’s Rose Salve plus some of my world famous chocolate chip cookies. The Rose Salve can be used as lip gloss, cuticle repair, eye shadow, and blush, plus about a million other ways. And the cookies have to be consumed in one sitting, preferably binge-style followed by lots of guilt. At least that’s how I do it.

The party was fun, I picked up some killer gift (what Christmas is really about…I KID), and I got to hang out with some of my favorite friends for the evening. If you’re still not convinced a Favorite Things Party is for you, I don’t know what to do with you.

The Influence Conference giveaway!

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July RUN update

This year is about running in so many ways. My word of the year is RUN so I’m focusing on running to God, running to friends, and running for exercise. To read all about why I want to run toward those things, start here.

July was mostly summer break so I got to spend mornings running before Chris left for work. I only did 2-3 miles at a time, but that felt good and enough. In the back of my head I feel like I should be running more, but I think that’s a lot of the half-marathon training that is still stuck in there. For now, I’m not training for anything and I just want to be fit enough to run a 5K at a moment’s notice. So I’m still at that point and just trucking along with my miles. I don’t know how many I ran in July, but I need to go back and figure it out. I can’t wait to see my 2014 mile total when the year ends.

I got to spend more time than I have recently with my Bible. It’s amazing the change of perspective and attitude adjustment I have when I make time for devotions and quiet time with God. I’ve probably written some version of that thought one hundred times on this blog and still seem to forget it often. So July was running to God and things just felt good…now that school has started it’s been a week and I’m already “not finding time” for that. BLAH.

Friends! Again, with summer, I get to see friends and talk to friends and have dinner with friends! It still annoys me that I have to have a full-time job and responsibilities some times. So July was good. I made some new friends which is not always easy when you’re thirty-something, lazy, and kinda anti-social. So yay for me and my new friends. Speaking of friends (but they’re not new…they’re really old, actually), my high school friends and I are still going strong with our First Thursdays club. Dinner and drinks and loud talking the first Thursday of every month which means in a few days I’ll be sitting around Jennifer’s table eating junk food and laughing with people that have known me since I was five. That never gets old.

How are you doing on your 2014 goals? Anyone reach a milestone they need to brag about??

my memories of these two men

Last week I lost my good friend Joe and then, less than forty-eight hours later, my grandfather died.

To say that the past seven days have been rough would be an understatement. I wake up each morning remembering that they’re no longer here, that I won’t see Joe at school in a few weeks, and that my grandpa won’t be around for Christmas this year. Right now I’m trying out a new normal that feels itchy and bruised and painful.

I don’t feel angry even though both their deaths could have been avoided and were messy. I don’t feel anything at all, really, and then, a second later, I feel everything. I feel too much, too deeply and too overwhelming. There is no in between, I’m either completely fine or completely wrong.

I know so many people are waiting to hear my words, my memories of these two men. The night Joe died, I couldn’t turn away from Facebook, couldn’t turn away from the memories people were posting. Friends and coworkers were sharing their disbelief, their shock, and their hurt and it felt good and comforting to know that the things I was feeling were being echoed by others. That I wasn’t alone in my pain, my loss, and my confusion.

And now people are waiting for more of that. Friends have mentioned they’re looking forward to what I have to say about Joe. And my beautiful memories of my grandpa, they can’t wait to read stories about his life and who he was.

But I don’t have any words yet.

I’m sorry.

I am consumed by the thought of these two no longer being in my life. But I don’t know how to write about it yet. I don’t know how to tell the world about them in a way that would do them justice and honor. Because that’s what they deserve.

That’s where I’m at right now, why there was silence last week, and why there might be more. The words will come eventually, I’m sure. They always do and it’s normally when I least expect it.

In the mean time, these from Anne Lamott will have to do:

You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you will never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly–that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.

I’m pretty much a bad friend.

I only remember to water my plants when they start looking droopy.

I try to water them every Sunday, when we’re home and being lazy, but I just don’t think about it. And the next thing I know, their leaves are sagging and I’m a few days away from dead plants.

So I drowned them with water and hope for the best.

They normally pull through.

Occasionally, they don’t.

I would say this tactic, this forget-until-the-last-moment-and-hope-for-the-best thing I do, is my modus operandi. I neglect things until it’s almost too late to fix them and then come on strong and hope everything survives.

I’m really good under pressure, most creative with a time crunch, and insanely productive when I should already be done with the task (eh, like most people, right?).

This is both a blessing and a curse.

Sometimes I neglect relationships I hold dear until they’re hanging on by a thread and I have to do damage control. I am not a good friend. I’m good in a crisis, I’m good when someone needs backup or emergency dinner, I’m great at encouraging texts and prayers. But I’m not good in the lull, in the day-to-day business, in the sharing of unimportant things and trivial life issues that aren’t big, but to a good friend, they’re what a friendship is built on.

Friendship was easy when I was still in school. I was forced to be around people, friends, all the time, so socializing, making plans, asking about life, was easier. I didn’t have to go out of my way or make much of an effort.

But now, as an adult, I have to reach out, I have to remember to text or call. And most of the time I don’t.

I’m pretty much a bad friend.

Part of my nature is isolation. I love spending time by myself, love staying home and reading a book, love to sit at a computer and write. But life isn’t happening during most of those moments. Life is with with people. And, ironically, I don’t have much to write about if I’m not out living.

This year I’m running toward others: running to relationships, running to late night conversations, running to life with others. It’s hard for me and very intentional. Sometimes it’s exhausting. But I’m seeing growth, seeing progress, seeing better, so I’m going to keep plugging along, keep reaching out, keep making myself uncomfortable.

What are you doing this year to stretch yourself? Any growing pains lately?

favorite things party

The holiday parties are in full swing (I’ve got two this week alone!) and just as things were starting to get busy, my favorite First Thursday girls and I got together for a little celebration of our own.

We had the usual: drinks, yummy food, and great conversations, but this time we threw in a little favorite things gift exchange to make the evening even better. Everyone was in charge of finding that one thing they love dearly and buying enough for everyone else. So I showed up at Melissa’s house with seven of my favorite lip balms (more on that later) and everyone else did the same.

I’m not going to lie, I was excited about this event all day. Even my students said I was acting nicer than normal. I just love hanging out with these girls, reconnecting after all these years and, all of the sudden, doing life together again. It’s sweeter the second time around, for sure.

We had so much fun, I’m telling everyone I know they should do this with their friends or family. Here’s how it worked:

It’s really simple: everyone invited brings enough of one gift for everyone else. Eat lots of yummy food and drink delicious drinks that make your belly warm and fuzzy. Then when bellies are full, it’s time to pass out the gifts!

Every girl got to pass out her gift and then talk about it (why it was her favorite, what was so great about it, etc.) as everyone else opened them. I loved hearing about everyone’s favorite things and why they loved them. And I think I picked up a couple new favorite things as well.

Jennifer brought Albanese gummie bears, specifically the red, blue, and white ones because those are her favorite flavors. Albanese Candy is an Indiana confectionery that makes the greatest gummie bears I’ve ever tasted. She said their factory is something right out of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and they deliver!

Jessi is the poster child for shopping local and she brought a sample pack of her favorite perfumes from an Indianapolis-based company, Ambre Blends. They create organic body products and I’m already a big fan of the solace essence.

Heather brought awesome packages of Rubbermaid. And you would not believe how excited we all got about them. It was embarrassing. Lids that actually go to something! Matching bowls! Thrilling.

Jessica’s favorite thing was the new Pampered Chef mini nylon serving spatula. Again, we all got a little too excited over this one. Oh, the scooping possibilities! Also, welcome to adulthood, let’s make brownies!

Amber’s favorite holiday is Christmas and so she brought beautiful snowflake ornaments for everyone. I’ve already got mine hanging on the tree and it looks smashing if I do say so myself.

Krissy brought a little grab-bag of favorites including Cinnamon Caramel Swirl Bath and Body Works candle, gum, Nivea A Kiss of Shimmer lip balm, and Ghirardelli chocolate squares. She had so many favorites she couldn’t decide, but I’m not complaining.

Melissa shared her favorite sandstone citrus scrub from Lush. The smell alone was worth the buy, so I can’t imagine what magic it’s going to do as an exfoliate.

And I brought my favorite of favorites. I have these in every purse, keep one in my desk at school, and in random cars, some that I don’t even own. C. O. Bigelow Mentha Lip Shine from Bath and Body Works. This stuff has just a enough mint to make your lips tingle, masks bad breath in a pinch, and has the perfect amount of shine. It’s the only thing I wear on my lips.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t get a lot of surprises for Christmas. I know what’s waiting for me under the tree, but this night of little gifts from my friends was perfect. It was exciting and fun to share the things we love with each other. And it doesn’t hurt that as I’m writing this, I’m snacking on gummie bears and enjoying a sweet smelling candle.

What’s also great about this idea is that you don’t have to wait for Christmas to do it. This is the busiest time of the year and sometimes you just can’t cram onemorething into your schedule. Do this on a girls’ night in the spring or host a summer BBQ with your favorite things. Maybe throw in a themed favorite things night: pick a color for the gifts, a room of the house (kitchen-related items, vanity-related items, office-related items, etc.), buy only local gifts, or focus on a specific culture (Italian! Spanish! French!).

What do you think? Have you done something like this before? Do you have any fun theme ideas?

things I want you to know about this weekend

Ellie’s second ballet class is tomorrow. And this will be the first one where she’s wearing the right clothes because I was the mom who sent her four year old to ballet in leggings and a tank top. Apparently, that’s not what ballerinas wear? Who knew. (The skirt she’s wearing above is one the teacher let her borrow. Yes, she was that kid.)

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Our fifth (!!) annual pub crawl is tomorrow night. It’s normally held in the middle of the summer, but things were too busy and it never got planned so we’re finally heading out to take on the town this weekend. It’s me and 20-ish of my favorite people. This can only end really well. (Want to see what all the fuss is about? Here’s a past post: 2011)

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For Indy locals: this weekend is the 2013 Ford Hoosier Outdoor Experience at Ft. Harrison State Park. We’ll be there on Sunday checking out the over-50 hands on events and getting warmed up for our camping road trip in October. This will be the first time we’ve been to this event and I can’t wait to check it out. If you love the outdoors, make sure you get there too.

Happy Friday, friends.

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