Mary Graham

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Returning to the banks

My children have grown up with their hands in water. They are children of streams and creeks and lakes. 

I have hundreds (thousands?) of pictures like these. My two girls crouched on rocks or sand or mud getting as close to the tempting water as possible. 

We will tell them to not get wet—we’re hiking and we don’t have dry shoes and socks for them—and they will say okay.

They promise not to fall in.

They always fall in. 

We always say, “Stay dry, please.”

They always say, “I accidentally fell in.”

This is our nature dance. We try to put a boundary on their learning and playing and exploring. They inch closer and closer to the edge, eventually fall in laughing, and we pretend to be shocked it happened. 

No one is shocked.

No one cares.

There are rocks to collect, sticks to throw, frogs to catch.

There is mud to get stuck in, sandcastles to build, minnows to trap. 

My children have grown up with their hands in water. They are children of ponds and oceans.

I have hundreds (thousands?) of pictures like these. Their backs hunched, the water calling to their toes, their dry pants, their little hands. 

These pictures are their childhood, a constant pose as their bodies and the backgrounds change. 

I am, as most people, more patient as I get older. I am less likely to hurry them from their mud now. I understand better that time is a thief and it is all going too fast.

I am willfully fighting against the clock. Not for my face or my neck or my back, but for my girls’ childhood. I am actively waging war on the world’s desire to make them grow up faster. 

I will stay at the water’s edge with my girls until they tire, until they grow hungry and ask about lunch, until they are too wet and starting to chill, until they can’t feel their legs from squatting. 

My children have grown up with their hands in water and as long as they keep returning to the banks, I will be there too.

I am here for backpacks, and you should be too.

I am here for backpacks.

Not emotionally, like they need a shoulder to cry on (please acknowledge that creative turn of word RIGHT NOW), but for buying them and wearing them and admiring them and advocating for them.

So maybe I am here for them emotionally. Let me think about that some more.

I’ve been anti-backpack since I left college. I’m not a kid anymore, I will use a sophisticated shoulder bag like a real adult, I thought as I amassed a large collection of mom bags and teacher bags and after-work gym bags.

But now I’m older, my back hurts more, and WHY IS THIS PURSE ALWAYS SO HEAVY?

Enter: the backpack.

We’ve been using them for hiking and camping for years, but they were left in the camper, never making their way back into the house for everyday use. Until recently.

((photo by Huff Photography))

Now I carry a backpack when I go to the office or to a coffee shop to work. I carry one to friends’ houses, to the grocery store, to the library.

Why was I allowing one tired shoulder to do all the work when my full, strong back was available?

No one knows.

According to the market- research firm NPD, sales of women’s backpacks are up by 28 percent in the past year, even though men’s backpacks are down. Women’s handbags, too, have suffered a drop over the past few years, says Beth Goldstein, NPD’s accessories analyst. (source)

If marketing companies are noticing the rise in backpacks, you know it’s official. But even if it weren’t, I’m here to tell you about the glory of a backpack and the ease it brings.

Need some guidance jumping into the world of backpacks? Lemme help.

Land Diaper Bag Backpack
WAIT. Come back. I don’t care if you don’t have babies. Neither do I! I use the Land Diaper Bag Backpack for a laptop and work backpack. The pockets are great for charger cords and water bottles and pens. It’s sturdy and simple, plus it’s not expensive. I have the navy one, but I also really like the gray. Ignore the bad reviews, I’ve had mine for over a year with no complaints. (If you do happen to have babies, ditch the over-the-shoulder diaper bag for this. No regrets.)

(Are you impressed with the size of those backpack pictures? Me too. I’m getting ready to leave on vacation and I can’t get them to size right so here we are with giant pictures you don’t need contacts or glasses to see. It’s a public service, honestly.)

Jansport Classic Backpack
You probably had a Jansport backpack at one point. Please go get it out of the closet and give it new life with no shame. This is what we use for day hiking when we camp. Obviously, not a great bag for long hikes, but if you just need a few water bottles, some snacks, and a first aid kit, this is your backpack. Ours is light pink and looks great on all of us, Chris Graham included.

Classic brown leather backpack
My friend has a backpack like this, and I covet it. There’s nothing better than a classic brown leather backpack. This one has the best reviews, and I’ve ordered it to replace my purse this summer. I’ll let you know how it goes once it’s broken in a little more, but I already love shopping or being out hands-free. I don’t think I’ll go back anytime soon.

Pottery Barn Harry Potter Backpack
Ellie will tell you no Potterhead is legit until you own a Pottery Barn Harry Potter backpack with your name embroidered on it. Because she has so many people who love her (and are really good at giving gifts), she has two of them: one for school and one for travel, sleepover, and camping. They’re a little pricey, but Pottery Barn runs good sales so you shouldn’t ever have to pay full price for it. These backpacks are really well made too. After Ellie went through two cheap backpacks one school year, I decided spending the extra money to buy a nice one that would last for years was a better deal in the long run.

Burton Kilo 2.0 Backpack
This one is for guys (or anyone, really), but it’s similar to the well-loved backpack my brother carries to work (his is no longer available. *moment of silence*). He’s on team backpack like me (is it genetic?), and this one works well for the office or a weekend hike. He has a blue one, I really like the gray (again…), and if you want to be a little more fancy, get the black with white squares. There’s a color or pattern for everyone.

What about you, are you wearing a backpack yet? Do you sing the Dora the Explorer song in your head when you put it on like I do? Do you need to join the dark side with a snazzy new backpack? Hard hitting questions for your Friday.

9 Amazon gifts I’m loving right now

In July my steady teacher paycheck stopped and so did my thoughtless Amazon purchases. They weren’t that justified before, but now, with no salary and a new “self-employed” title, I needed to get it together fast.

But I still wanted things. *face palm*

I wasn’t willing to take on debt for the things I wanted.

I wasn’t willing to skip groceries for the week to get the things I wanted.

So I started counting down the days until my birthday. In October, I’d have some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket, and I needed to be prepared.

For months I took screenshots of things I found online, things people shared I was interested in, or things I read about and then searched out on Amazon. I created a little visual wish list, if you will.

Then one night in October, I sat on the couch as my kids watched a movie and went through the screenshots. Some of the things didn’t interest me anymore so I deleted them with no regrets. But some of the things still called to me, had been calling to me for months, so I carefully placed them in my Amazon cart and watched the total. I had $125 to spend and, while I didn’t want to spend all of it just because I had it, I knew what I wanted and if I could get it all, I would.

It wasn’t impulse purchasing. It was birthday shopping, money meant for me and only me. When the girls were younger and things were a lot tighter as we were still working to pay off debt, some of this money would have been spent on our family, our bills, or put in the bank.

But not this time. This time it was all mine. *insert evil laugh here*

I’d spent the week leading up to this evening on the couch purging our house of belongings and excess. I didn’t want to live in a house overflowing with clothes and toys and junk we didn’t need. So I was aware as I put things in my shopping cart to not just replace things I had recently gotten rid of. The goal of purging was to live with less, not an excuse to buy new, better things.

In the end, I spent $114 exactly. Here’s what I got and why you might be interested in them too:

 

Jade roller
I’m closer to 40 than 30. While I am not too concerned about the state of my skin yet, I know the day is closer than I’d like so when I started hearing about using a jade roller to help with the look and tightness of your skin, I was all ears. I don’t want expensive potions and lotions. I won’t ever shoot my face with poison to combat wrinkles, but I will roll my face with a cool stone every night before bed in hopes of delaying saggy jowls.

Sunglasses
I’m one of those weirdos who can own just one pair of sunglasses for years without losing them or buying a second pair. This is odd, I get it. The pair I’ve had for the past year and a half have started to fall apart so I’ve been on the hunt for a new pair. These (I got the two pack, brown and black) had really good reviews and were recommended by a girl I follow on IG. Apparently they’re some designer knock-offs, but I have no idea who/what they’re stealing from because that doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Anyway, I got these glasses, they’re oversized and wonderful. So now I own two pairs of sunglasses which makes me feel like the fanciest person in all the land.

Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions by Gerald G. May, MD
I haven’t started reading this one yet, but my friend Laura read it and when she finished it (early one weekday morning), she texted me immediately to tell me to buy it. So I did. I’m excited to find time to read it soon.

Cozy Minimalist Home: More Style, Less Stuff by Myquinllin Smith
With the current purge going on at our house, I bought a book about having less stuff…because I love irony and mixed messages. BUT SERIOUSLY. I love Smith’s first book (The Nesting Place), and found it full of relatable design and home ideas so when her new book about creating a cozy home with less things came out, I was all in. This is going to be my Thanksgiving break read–I’m looking forward to spending early mornings by the fire flipping through it.

Reusable straws
Please be impressed with my concern for our environment.

Also, that’s not why I ordered these, but I am fine with pretending. Every morning I make my way down to the kitchen and chug a big cup of water. Normally 16-20 ounces just as quick as I can to get it over with. I have two cups I do this with and one of them doesn’t have a straw. I can’t drink all that water fast without a straw so I ordered this set. I couldn’t order just one straw, but now that we have them, we’re using them all the time. The girls use them with cups at home, and once I went to Wendy’s and they forgot to give me a straw so I used a stainless steel straw in my Diet Coke which made me feel very smug and smart.

Black leggings
Please give me all of your attention. This is really important, we need to talk about black leggings. I *know* you can get them anywhere–the gas station, Lulu Lemon, Costco, the Dollar Store–but these are it for me. I’ve tried lots of legging and I’m verrrrry picky. I refuse to pay a fortune. I don’t want a thin elastic band around my middle because it’s unflattering. I need them to be long enough for my very long legs. I won’t wear them with a short shirt, but I still want to feel safe about their thickness if my butt shows. High-waisted is a plus. They can’t be see-through. They must hold up all day and not get saggy. They can’t pill after a few washes.

THIS IS A LONG LIST OF DEMANDS.

But these leggings do it. They’re almost too good to be true and I hesitate to share them with you because what if they go out of stock? It would be a national tragedy. But in the spirit of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” I’m telling you to buy these leggings. Probably a few pairs, if I’m being honest. When they arrived, I wore them every single day for a week. Not kidding; Monday through Friday and then I slept in them on Friday night because I am dedicated to research and development before I share with my readers. And maybe a little lazy too, but mostly just really dedicated. They didn’t get saggy, they never lost their shape, they didn’t get weird in the crotch. They’re like the holy grail of leggings, and I’m getting more for Christmas so leave a few pairs of the larges for me, please and thank you.

Satin pillowcases
After I roll my face with a rock (please see the jade roller paragraph above), I go to sleep on my satin pillowcase like the princess I am.  I’m sleeping on a satin pillow case because I’m a grandma, it’s better for my hair, and it’s easier on my skin too. Mostly my nighttime ritual has ruined all thoughts of romance for Chris Graham, but at least I’ll look younger than my peers.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron
This book has been on my list for a while, and I finally pulled the trigger. I shall read it and give you a review in my monthly newsletter, but if you’re going through hard stuff or want to support someone who is, I think this one might be a good one.

Did I just help you start your Christmas list? Yes, yes, I did.


*DISCLOSURE: Affiliate links used.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! USE THE POPUP WINDOW OR GO HERE TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

Love podcasts? May I suggest you listen to the Not Terrible Podcast? My friend Jess and I co-host a weekly show where we discuss hard stories with hope and humor. I’d love for you to listen and subscribe.

7 things I’m loving from Amazon right now

I don’t think I could have survived a year and a half in the country without Amazon Prime.

Is this an exaggeration?

Probably, yes. But how did people survive before the magical internet and two-day delivery? Answer: not very well.

So basically, it is a public service for me to tell you things I’ve ordered and loved from Amazon. Because what if you need to love them too?

Instant Pot
I know this was all the rage last year. Did you get one yet? My parents got me one for Christmas, and the way it cooks frozen meat in about 2.7 seconds is otherworldly. Also, we eat a lot of hard-boiled eggs in the Graham house, and knowing I spent YEARS struggling to peel eggs without ruining them is still hard for me to handle. I tried every hard-boiled egg trick on Pinterest. Some were okay. Some were not. But making hard-boiled eggs in the Instant Pot? Guys, sometimes when I open the pot to remove the eggs for a quick ice bath, the shells just FALL OFF.

If you don’t use the Instant Pot for anything else besides hard-boiled eggs, I still think it’s worth the investment. (I linked to the one I have; if you’re interested in getting one, waiting until Thanksgiving/Christmas time might be best for your wallet.)

Himalayan salt night lights
I bought four of these in December and scattered them around the house. I really love the glow they emit, and I like the esthetic of them more than regular night lights. There are also some health benefits to having salt lamps/night lights in our homes, but I’m too lazy to hold a science lesson right now so go ahead and Google that yourself.

Tufted headboard
Here’s another reason I love Amazon (or ordering anything on the internet): I don’t have to load it up and bring it home. When we moved to the new house, I decided we’d finally buy a headboard for our bed. We’d been married over ten years and had always just slept on a bed frame and mattress. I think the ten-year anniversary gift is a headboard so I found this one from Amazon and had it delivered to the house. I can’t tell you how grown up having a headboard made me feel. (When I bought this headboard, it was $50 cheaper. I’m sorry I waited so long to share it.)

Trader Joe’s Everything But the Bagel seasoning
I don’t often go to Trader Joe’s; I have to drive far to visit one, and it seems to be more expensive than Aldi’s so it’s not really in my budget. BUT I love their Everything But the Bagel seasoning so I’ll order it from Amazon to save the trip, time, and likelihood I’ll go in there and buy lots of crap I don’t actually need. Have you had this seasoning yet? Mmmmm. Buy it just to put on all those easy peel hard-boiled eggs you make in your Instant Pot and you’ll never eat a plain egg again. In the summer, I LOVE to cut up a garden-fresh cucumber, top the slices with a little cream cheese, and then sprinkle on this seasoning. It’s delicious. Try it. You can thank me later.

Tripod floor lamps
Floor lamps are tricky. You don’t want them to look cheap, but you also don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on a floor lamp which seems to be the only way to get nice ones. Exception to the rule: these Brightech Emma LED floor lamps I got for Christmas last year. I put them on both sides of my fireplace and six months later, I still love them with no regrets. The legs are thicker and sturdy and they’re a good height. (Did I just describe my floor lamps or myself? I guess you’ll never really know…)

Star Wars math workbooks
If you got my summer checklist for my kids in your email on Monday, you’ll know we’re doing a little math practice this summer. (If you need the checklist, leave your email address in the comments below, and I’ll get you hooked up!) Nothing intense, just a page or two of review three times a week. When I was hunting for a fun workbook (a phrase only a teacher would write…), I came across this series of Star Wars themed-books. When I opened the package, both girls took off immediately with the workbooks to begin their work. (Note: I ordered second grade and fourth grade, the grades my kids are going into. Inexplicably, my children are really good at math and the extra challenge of the coming year’s math work seems to be good for them. Ordering the grade level your kid just finished is probably easier on everyone though. You don’t have to learn new math–WHY IS IT SO HARD?–and they just practice things they’ve already learned. Don’t make this too frustrating or they won’t want to do it.)

Thayer’s witch hazel
I know I’ve shared this before, but shockingly, I’m still using it. I say shockingly because I never really commit to a facial routine besides washing my face with make-up remover wipes and using lots of moisturizer. But this stuff is so fresh and clean and gets off so much dirt that I can’t quit it. (I did a full post on my skin routine here if you’re just dying to know all about it.)

What about you? Get anything great from Amazon recently? I’m planning to do an Amazon post each month, and I’m already looking forward to telling you the stuff I recently got for my garden. I just have to make sure I love it before I tell you to buy it. OOH, suspense.


DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

MAKE SURE YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER! USE THE POPUP WINDOW OR THE BAR AT THE TOP OF YOUR SCREEN TO GET MONTHLY BOOK REVIEWS & SUGGESTIONS, SURPRISE GIVEAWAYS, SUBSCRIBER-ONLY POSTS, AND THE MONDAY BUSINESS MEETING EMAIL WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, NEWS, & FREE STUFF.

thanks for a great summer, Amazon Prime

I would just like to take a moment to thank Amazon for bringing everything I ever needed directly to my door and for the ability to never leave the house for anything.

This is not a drill; I would not be the well-rounded, competent, happy-ish person I am today without ye, Amazon. I would also not be as well rested.

This is only a slight exaggeration. Seriously, how did we live lives before Amazon and, more specifically, Amazon Prime?

Don’t answer that. I don’t want to be reminded. It was a dark time.

As I think about all the things that made our summer, I feel like half my time was spent telling people to buy something specific off Amazon that made my life easier/better/happier/less stressful/more organized/smell better.

Basically Amazon has improved my life and here’s what I bought so you can buy it to and improve your life also. Because nothing says fulfilled more than buying more crap. Whatever.

Wall tapesty
All the college kids and me are really excited about all the hippie tapestries Amazon sells. I had a big wall in my office I wanted to cover with something, so I ordered this guy and he arrived within a week. Hanging a tapestry on your wall will illicit a wide range of reactions from people, but stand firm in the knowledge you’re cool in your head and nothing else matters. *mental high five*

Lotta From Stockholm clogs
I’ve been wanting some clogs from this company for over a year. They’re a little too pricey for my budget though so it’s taken me a while to pull the trigger. As I get older (36 soon, suckers!), I’m slowly getting rid of cheaper, low quality shoes and investing in better, higher-quality, well-made, supportive footwear. (Read that sentence again and try not to think of your granny.) I’d rather have 3-4 really great pairs of shoes than 10-15 cheap ones that will only last one season. It was finally time to order these, but their website has some pretty expensive shipping charges (it’s actually coming from Stockholm, duh). I figured out what shoes I wanted and the correct sizing on their website then searched on Amazon for the shoe. Amazon doesn’t carry every pair Lotta From Stockholm makes, but they did carry the ones I wanted and it was free shipping with my Prime membership. So I ordered from there instead. They got here super-fast (the confirmation said 2-3 weeks, but they were here within a week) and I saved a lot of money on shipping. The Amazon price and the company’s prices were pretty comparable, but I was pumped to save the shipping cost with Prime.

Trader Joe’s Everything But the Bagel seasoning
I don’t have a Trader Joe’s near me but when everyone started sharing this seasoning on social media I had to try it. Amazon is weird because they sell so many things you never think to look for there (see: clog paragraph above)…like this specialty grocery store product. It’s is definitely a little more expensive than I’d usually spend on some food seasoning, but it’s amazing and I love it. No regrets. (Once you have it, put it on eggs, potatoes, cucumbers & cream cheese, bagels, green beans, EVERYTHING.)

Oil diffusers
Our family has used Young Living oils for about three years now (no, I don’t want to sell you any; no, I don’t want you to join my team, there is no team to join.) and one of my favorite things to do with oil is diffuse it. I have a diffuser in my office I turn on while I work. The girls each have one in their room for bedtime. In the winter when I’m sick, I bring one into our room. I love diffusers. But I don’t always love the price. Oils are expensive–I don’t need expensive things to put my expensive oils in. Gah. These diffusers are inexpensive, work really well for us, and don’t seem to need super-special filtered water to make them run well. Also, they’re cheap enough that if it breaks in a year or two, I’m not going to be choked up about it.

Wool dryer balls
Again, I don’t have oils to sell you or a class I need you to sign up for to learn all the secret oil voodoo. But I do like using oils in our home and the way we’ve gotten rid of some unnecessary chemicals. One unnecessary chemical I got rid of this summer is dryer sheets. I was tired of buying them, the artificial smell it left on our clothes, and always finding one in my pant leg on my way to church. So I bought a three-pack of these wool dryer balls to replace the dryer sheets. The box says they last at least a year, and I can use them as-is or I can add a drop or two of essential oils to them for scented clothes. I will admit they are LOUD and you’re well aware you’ve got some tennis ball-like objects in the dryer so if your office happens to be by the laundry room, you can’t dry clothes while you’re talking on the phone or teaching class. (Side note: if you’re interested in oils and overwhelmed with how much information there is about them, start with a diffuser and some wool dryer balls. Easy and low-key.)

Teal recorder
Apparently third grade is when all the blessed little children start learning how to play a recorder in school. Ellie is SO EXCITED for this. Her parents are LESS EXCITED for this. When we registered for school, parents had the option of buying one through school for $5 or supplying their own. You know I went to Amazon to see if I could get one for less than $5. Answer: yes, you can. Of course, I didn’t buy the less-than-$5 one though because they have so! many! colors! and I got excited and now Ellie’s getting a teal recorder. I’m still not excited about the at-home practice that is sure to come, but at least it will look cute sitting in its little holder full of spit.

Meal prep containers (reusable or disposable!)
I know you’ll probably ask why I don’t just buy some Tupperware from Target and call it a day, but hear me out. I LOVE these containers. I prep breakfast all week for myself (a knock-off version of the Starbucks boxes), put leftovers in them for Chris to take to work, share meals with my grandma, and take them when we travel. If I have the chance to wash them and reuse them, I do. But if they have to be thrown away, that’s okay too. You get a ton and it comes with silverware sets I didn’t even know about when I ordered them. I got them at the end of May, probably use at least one every day, and can’t recommend them enough.

Korean face masks
One night at bedtime, I asked the girls two things they were thankful for in relation to the new house so we could thank God for them in our prayers. Harper said new friends at school and living next door to Aunt Penny. Ellie said her own room and the new face masks I got in the mail. So I have to put these masks on the list even though I’m probably not as thankful for them as my super-weird daughter is. But they are enjoyable. Also, they make you look a little bit like a scary serial killer and that’s fun for everyone.

Rolling laundry hamper
At our old house, our laundry area was in the basement and no one ever saw it. It could be as messy and overflowing as we wanted and it was our little dirty secret. But now our laundry room is right inside the house if you enter from the garage. If you were to visit, you’d enter through the front door and never see it, but I get to see it every time I leave or come home. Oh, laundry, I loathe thee. Because of this, leaving baskets full of clean or dirty clothes drives me crazy. So I ordered this laundry hamper. It fits PERFECTLY inside the laundry room closet so I can open the door, throw towels-socks-whatever into the correct section (there are three total) and no one knows just inside that closet are all the things I should have washed a week or two ago. The best part is it’s on wheels and so I can roll it out, park it in front of the washing machine when it’s time to tackle it, and then roll it back in when I’m done. It’s the cutest, most organized I’ve ever been with laundry avoiding.

This maxi dress
If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know when it arrived I wore it for nine days straight. This is not an exaggeration. Finally Chris gently asked if it was time to wash it. RUDE. Also, it has pockets and if you’re tall like me–it’s not too short! It’s a miracle! Buy it in all the colors! Wear it with a sweater for fall! (I ordered the gray one; since I’ve ordered it, they’ve added a sleeveless version. I don’t like than one–sleeves forever.)

A new bed and mattress
Here’s why this is so amazing: we don’t own a truck. So picking up any large furniture or home item after we buy it at a store is a mess. Can we borrow my dad’s truck? How do we get it here? Will this fit in our SUV? How many children should I leave behind to make this purchase happen? We’ve all abandoned a child for the greater household good but I don’t have many more to spare. So when we needed a full-size bed and mattress for Ellie’s room, I ordered them from Amazon. It did take a little longer than the two-day Prime norm, but still, the UPS man delivered them TO MY FRONT PORCH and I just had to drag them inside. (The specific full-sized bed frame and mattress we bought is linked above; I HIGHLY recommend both. That mattress is shockingly comfortable.)

School supplies
All of them, I don’t even have anything to link to. Back-to-school time is stressful enough without trying to ram my shopping cart down the three small school supply aisles with every other person on the east side of Indianapolis. Next year, I won’t even try it. Ordering all the supplies off the school’s lists and having them sent to my doorstep is what dreams are made of.

I would like to say that’s the end of my list, but it’s not. When I told my friend Krissy I was writing about my Amazon favorites, she asked if I was sharing a chandelier I got for Harper’s room. I hadn’t even thought of it. So I’ll probably do another Amazon buy list later (specifically to home goods I’ve purchases as we set up and decorate our new house), but for now, I’ve got to stop because the UPS man just pulled in to deliver my water filters. For real. Perfect timing, delivery dude.

Before I go–did you buy anything on Amazon this summer you can’t live without? TELL ME. I PROBABLY NEED IT TOO.

DISCLAIMER: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

electronics + kids: how, where, why

I never planned to be the parent who said judgey things like My kids don’t watch much TV or I don’t really let my kids play on electronics but here I am.

*awkward shrug*

Even though I believe strongly in limiting screen time in any form, saying it out loud makes me feel gross. I know all too well the shame or defensiveness that comes up when someone shares a different parenting or household philosophy than yours. I want to argue about it even though I know that’s not going to help anyone.

Also, so much of parenting is evolving and learning new ways of doing things as your children mature and grow. So this post can be tricky to write, because I don’t want to demand you live this way with your own kids or say it’s the only way to do it. Plus, how we’re doing electronics at our house didn’t just suddenly happen one day. Where we’re at right now–with our two daughters who are six and eight–has been a process and is still ongoing.

With all of that said, here’s how we do electronics, how we got to where we’re at right now, and some ideas to get your wheels turning on what this might look like in your home (now or in the future).

A typical week of screen time at our house follows this pattern:

-Sunday night family movie with dinner in front of the TV after the girls have had baths. I think Sundays are for resting and a quiet evening at home is a great way to reset before our week starts.

-Wednesday is early release day at our school so the girls are home about an hour earlier than normal. I still have work to do and so they’re allowed to watch about an hour of Netflix before we turn it off for homework, dinner, and playing.

-Saturday morning cartoons in their pajamas; I think it’s the right of all Americans to be lazy on Saturday mornings, to be really slow to get out of your pajamas, and to watch animals with human characteristics fight crime.

And that concludes our TV time; that totals about 3.5-4 hours a week.

We have a TV/DVD player in our SUV but only use it when we travel long distances. It’s one way we’ve been able to travel for days on end and survive; it’s a privilege and super-special to get to watch TV in the car so the girls are excited and engaged when they’re actually allowed to do it.

I feel pretty strongly kids shouldn’t be watching TV (or playing on electronics) as we run errands, drive to school, or head to church. Or even as we drive across town. My kids get to bring books, color, play with small toys, sing songs, listen to audiobooks, listen to music, gaze out the window at their surroundings, or…wait for it…SIT AND DO NOTHING while passengers in a car.

Being bored is part of being a kid. Kids NEED to be bored sometimes.

I’m not here to entertain them or to keep them entertained. It’s not my job–it’s actually their job! as kids! to figure out what they like to do! what they don’t like to do! what they enjoy!–and too much screen time for my kids dulls their sense of what they are capable of doing, thinking, creating, learning, enjoying because they don’t have to use much brain power in front of the TV.

But I had to learn this, not just hear it or read it. When Ellie was little, she watched a lot of TV. She watched TV in her high chair while I made dinner. She watched a show every night before bed as part of her bedtime routine. When I was pregnant with Harper and tired, it was easy and convenient to turn on the TV to get a break. Sometimes it was actual for her safety I turned on the TV because if she asked me one more question, I was going to hold my hand over her little mouth and probably put a tiny bit too much pressure on her cute little face.

I get it; it’s hard and more work for parents when you limit TV and screen time.

I picked this hard eventually, over time, but not from the get-go.

With electronics, my kids get about an hour a week. That’s not a typo, I said a week. My girls spend about an hour a week on iPads or tablets. Sometimes less. They don’t have their own devices (again, they’re six and eight), and I believe they have no business having their own technology at this point.

Our house (please don’t rob us…) contains many iPads, laptops, tablets, and iPhones. Way more than we need. But none of them are Ellie’s or Harper’s. They are Mommy’s and Daddy’s and we share with them. You know what kids need to own? Bikes, toys, some good markers, and clean underpants. Maybe a toothbrush.

They don’t need to own electronics unless it’s a super-awesome boom box with dual-cassette player.

Or something like that.

At restaurants, my kids have to wait for their food–hungry and impatient–just like everyone else. We don’t pacify them with apps or movies. They get to color on placemats or play with Legos they brought in from the car. They also get to talk with the adults at the table, listen to how people interact with each other, engage in conversations with people who are (hopefully) modeling how to treat people, listen to others, have a dialogue.

It’s hard to hear adults complain about “kids these days” when no one is actually paying attention to kids these days. They’re learning from whatever is in front of them, and I’d rather it be me than a screen.

I am fully aware my kids use electronics at school to learn, and I think that’s awesome. I’m sending my children to a public school I trust and I believe will make wise, informed choices about my children’s learning. I’m not against education software and apps, and we have them downloaded on our tablets at home. BUT.

Always a but, right??

Nothing they’re learning at this age is dependent on an app. It’s a bonus, not a requirement. So when Harper’s kindergarten teacher requested 20 minutes of Star Reader every night, we recognized the value of that app reading stories to our child. The bottom line was my five year old needed to be read to at least 20 minutes a day and we chose to do that with actual books in our hands, sitting on the floor in the living room.

For some parents, their season doesn’t allow this and the app is a way to make sure their kid gets read to. Awesome. For other parents, especially ones who aren’t good readers themselves, modeling critical thinking skills while reading is hard and the app is just better for their kid. Super. Great. This reading teacher approves.

But for us, that’s not the case. For us, it would have just been easier and more convenient.

I buy my groceries online, because I like the convenience. I don’t want to miss out on reading to my kid due to being inconvenienced. I have the time.

So we pickup groceries we ordered online, and we sit on the floor reading books with our kids even when we have other things we’d like to be doing.

(I think it’s important to admit I don’t always enjoy being with my children, reading to my children, or playing with my children. Yes, I know time is fleeting and I need to “soak up every minute” [NOTHING MAKES MY EYES ROLL HARDER THAN WHEN SOMEONE SAYS THIS ON INSTAGRAM. IT’S ANNOYING.] but sometimes…most of the time, there are other things I’d rather be doing. Being a parent means sometimes…most of the time putting my children first. They’re not a burden even though sometimes I act like they are. It’s actually just me being selfish. I acknowledge that. I am a selfish parent. [And do NOT get me started on “self care” and “me time” because that’s now what I’m talking about right now. Stop being dramatic.])

When the girls do play on electronics, it’s always out in the open family areas and never in their rooms. They have to tell us exactly what they’ll be doing and not venture to another app or website while they’re on their device. We’ve started conversations about internet safety and talk about what is appropriate to look at and what is not. We’re also starting to discuss how permanent the internet is; what we post will follow us for-ev-er. (Obviously, these are age-appropriate conversations for their current levels and will get deeper as they age. But it’s never too early. Let’s assume at some point, our kids will find something on the internet that is questionable. How they react to it or handle it is up to us at this point so we can’t ignore that reality.)

We went almost TV-free a little over two years ago. Until that point (when my girls were four and six), we had been unrestrained in our TV time. I wrote about that first summer with no TV here if you’re interested in my initial thoughts and struggles.

If your kids have been uninhibited in their TV or screen time, the first few weeks (…months…) are really hard. I know it sounds silly, but I suggest making a long list of things kids can do when they’re bored to combat the impending whining. It’s coming. For sure. When kids wants to turn the TV or iPad on and are told no, their little brains don’t even know how to come up with something else to do. In the beginning, help them out by giving them some specific options. Just saying “go play” doesn’t always work for my kids. Have options ready! The best defense is a good offense! (I don’t even think that makes sense here but I felt it was encouraging nonetheless.) Eventually, they’ll be able to do this on their own, but if they’ve been relying heavily on screens for entertainment, this doesn’t come back immediately.

If this post or our family’s routines are something that interests you, I take no credit for it. I’ve read tons of books on parenting, technology, raising kids, etc., had lots of conversations with friends/fellow parents, plus lots of trial-and-error that have all combined to give us this narrative. I know eventually the things I described above will change because my kids and their needs/maturity will change.

Books (some related to technology and some not) I’d recommend if you want to start processing through changing your kids’ screen time:

Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson (or Bringing Up Boys if that’s your gig; it’s not mine so I haven’t read that one)
Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel
Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy
Bringing Up Geeks by Marybeth Hicks
The Year of Living Danishly by Helen Russell (not about parenting or technology, but about our culture versus others)

And a few I hope to read soon to continue the conversation on technology and screen time in our family:

Battlefield of the Mind For Kids by Joyce Meyer
The Gift of Enough by Marianne Miller
Irresistible by Adam Alter

What do you think? Have you read anything lately that changed your screen time thoughts? What works for your family?

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

they cheered for her arrival

When we first starting talking about moving (something I mentioned briefly last week, but haven’t really shared here), one of my main concerns was moving the girls in the middle of a school year. They would have to change schools and that made me nervous.

I realize kids are resilient and stronger than we know and blah blah blah, but I was still worried about it. I started kindergarten at the same house I lived in during my senior year of high school. I met friends when I was five I still see once a month at our First Thursday dinner. I know how wonderful it is to grow up with the same kids, the same families, the same houses.

I always thought that was what we’d be doing in Beech Grove.

But last fall we started talking about moving and then we started talking very specifically about moving into the house my grandparents had lived in for 40+ years and were selling. My grandpa passed away a few years ago and last fall my grandma made the hard decision to move out of the house that was too much for her to care for and into an assisted living community. Her heart hated to leave but her head knew it was right.

So through a series of things that had to fall exactly into place (and an early decision for us to acknowledge God was in control so if we were to move in the short amount of time we were attempting, He’d have to make it happen), we got our house ready to sell in November, listed it in December, accepted an offer less than three weeks later, and officially closed before January ended.

It was a whirlwind adventure. I’m sure I’ll write more about it soon.

About two weeks ago we moved to the country from our city home and this Monday, our girls started their new school. To say I was filled with worry and anxiety over this would be an understatement.

I don’t even know what going to a new school feels like. As a teacher, I get to see how the new kids handle new schools and it’s not always great. Transitions are hard. Being the new kid is hard. Kids are sometimes mean and sometimes not welcoming.

The minute we said we were moving, I asked God to make my daughters’ move to a new school seamless and painless. I asked very specifically for it to be exciting and fun and the best decision we could make for them.

A lot of our decision to move was for them. We wanted a bigger yard and more places to play. We wanted them to have their own rooms and more living space for us to be together. We wanted to be in a place that could be home for them and their friends, we wanted to be the house where kids hung out and kids were always spending the night. Our Beech Grove house made that very hard to do–we just didn’t have anywhere to put kids in sleeping bags and all the guests we’d love to house when they’re passing through Indy.

But the school change gave me a stomach ache anyway. I like to give my worries to God and then slowly take them back while making myself physically ill to show how much I care.

It’s a gift.

Last week the girls and I went to visit their new school. We met the principal, got a tour, picked up piles of paperwork to fill out, and discussed their Monday start date. We got bus information, after-school club options, and checked out the cafeteria. All the important things.

I had called beforehand to let them know we’d be coming so they had already assigned Ellie and Harper to their classes. As we toured the building, the principal made sure to introduce my daughters to their teachers, let the class know they were coming, and allow the girls to check out their new classrooms.

As the moments ticked by, I could feel the anxiety and stress I’d been holding in my shoulders, my neck, and my stomach slowly leave. I had been counting down the moments until they changed schools, constantly asking God to make this the right decision. I longed for them to feel at home instantly and here I was, standing in this school, while my daughter vibrated with excitement about their move.

And here’s the icing on the cake:

Ellie’s class was in gym when we stopped by. The principal told the class who Ellie was and that she’d be joining them on Monday. The class was standing in two circles getting ready to do an activity and after the principal shared his announcement, about half the girls in the class started jumping up and down and clapping and cheering for Ellie.

Let me say that again.

The principal introduced Ellie to her new class and the class cheered for her arrival.

I took about three shaky breaths and tried not to cry in front of all the second graders. I asked God to make this transition easy and fun, and He literally had kids CHEER FOR MY DAUGHTER when she arrived. I asked for it to be stress-free, and they welcomed her with over-the-top jumping up and down.

I don’t know those girls. I don’t know what they saw in my daughter’s arrival that made them cheer, but I know without a doubt God was telling me it’s going to be okay.

I asked Him to make this school change exciting and special and He answered with cheers and applause.

I mean, seriously. What a show-off.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh because once again, God reminded me He loves me (and those girls of mine) more than I’ll ever know and that fills me with joy. Or cry because what a sweet, sweet relief it was to see a visual reminder I’m not to worry, He will take care of all our needs, and He has better things in store than I could ever imagine.

Since that moment in the gym, there have been countless similar moments. From the principal meeting them as they got off the bus the first morning to walk them to their classes to my uncle texting me that he saw them both looking happy on the first day. To Ellie’s angry I made her wait until Monday to start (instead of letting her begin the day we visited) to Harper already having three best friends even though she doesn’t know any of their names.

I probably just need a good cry-laugh, actually. With some killer hip hop moves and a side of tap dancing. That about sums up my physical reaction to God’s grace and love.

I never imagined being a parent and now she’s seven.

It still surprises me I have children.

I don’t know why this is. Something about never really dreaming about babies much growing up. I didn’t picture myself as a mom. I didn’t picture myself as not a mom, either. I just don’t remember thinking about it often. So when I’m driving in my car and I happen to glance at the rear view mirror and see two little girls in the backseat, I get caught off guard once in a while. It just happens.

It also happens in the middle of the night when one of those creepy things wanders into my room when I’m asleep and says my name in their nighttime, scary movie voice and I feel like I’m living on Elm Street and getting ready to fight for my life.

Nothing confuses me more than a kid in the middle of the night calling me mommy. I seriously don’t know who they are talking to or why they are in my house.

I am a deep sleeper, obviously.

But there’s also a part of me that has only become known and loved and whole since having children. Something I was unaware I was lacking has been completed in them.

Having children is powerful in unspeakable ways.

As they get older–like today when Elliott Quinn turns seven–I feel strong and mighty for keeping someone alive that long, and weak and incapable because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

I am not a hugger. My friend Krissy loves nothing more than awkwardly trying to hug me just to make things uncomfortable as possible. She’s been a constant in my life since we were eleven and so she gets entertainment out of my discomfort.

So, of course, God gave me the most affectionate child in the world. Ellie would love nothing more than to be held in a constant hug for the rest of her life. She hands out hugs (and kisses) to as many people as she can. Recently, she was honored as her school’s student of the month at a school board meeting and her principal brought up her great hugs in her speech about my daughter.

Elliott Quinn makes me softer and gentler.

elliott quinnelliott quinn turns 7elliott quinn 7 collage

It’s funny to see her grow and change. She is Chris Graham in female form. She might have my love of books, writing, and office supplies, but physically, she is Christina Graham. Tall and lanky, tan and big cheeked. She will one day be a great leader, creative and good at giving direction to others. I wouldn’t be surprised if she grew up to be a teacher, even though I worry about that line of work and will discourage her from pursuing a career in education later. As a teacher, that breaks my heart to admit, but as a parent who wants better for her kid, she can use her talents somewhere else and not be so beat down all the time.

One of my favorite parts of the day is bedtime. Not just because they’re finally going to bed (praise the Lord), but because I know once I leave my daughters’ room, they will stay up reading books by the glow of the twinkle lights that cover their bunk beds. Ellie has become a ferocious reader. She reads through a whole Magic Tree House book in bed before she falls asleep and even though I know I should tell her to put it up and get to sleep, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I know the thrill of staying up too late to read a book I can’t put down. I understand the need for one more chapter. Hearing her giggle at something funny she’s reading or come running into my room to read me a really great part has just blown me away.

I never imagined being a parent. But I also never imagined having so much fun with my kids.

So today, she’s seven. She has a sense of humor that cracks me up. She is already smarter than I am, and we totally let her watch TV well before she was two years old so the experts can suck it.

When she was born, she only had hair on the sides of her head, like a little old man and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Looking back, it’s pretty horrible, but that’s the best way I can describe my love for my oldest child: totally ridiculous and inexplicable, yet breathtakingly beautiful.

Happy birthday, Ellie Q. Your mama loves you fiercely.

(Photographs by Huff Photography)

let’s hope this sticks

I feel like we’re working really hard to raise grateful kids. We always talk about our blessings and our extra, we make it a point to have conversations about why we give and share and help others.

Unfortunately, I don’t think any of it is working.

When we completed those stockings a few weeks ago for our church drive, Harper lost her mind in the Hallmark store when she realized she was picking out stuff for someone other than herself. She’s four, it happens. Once we got home, she got over it.

Sort of. Eventually.

I will admit, those little Itty Bittys are pretty cute and Santa is getting some for stockings. But still, there was a giant fit about sharing.

This weekend the girls started working on their Christmas wish lists. Among the toys and books and millions of Shopkins requests, Ellie wrote down: “Cell phone, my own room, and one hundred dollars.”

Like she’s fourteen instead of six.

I told her I shared a room with my sister until I was thirteen and that she had a long way to go before she got her own space or a cell phone. I could have really blown her mind by telling her I didn’t have a cell phone until I was eighteen, but that was mostly due to the fact that cell phones weren’t really a thing when I was younger. Sure, a couple kids had Zach Morris style phones and my dad had a giant car phone that came in a freakin’ briefcase, but those were exceptions, definitely not the norm.

Oh, and did I mention she’s SIX?!

I sometimes still have to wipe her butt. She’s not getting a cell phone.

setting a good example

The next day, Harper (who can’t write yet), was telling me her list and that’s when things got really out of control. Her list is, and I quote, “A big Jeep that I can drive on the real road. One thousand dollars and a Ninja Turtles blanket.”

This from the kid who took thirty-six cents to Lowes last weekend and asked what she could buy. My kids have no concept of money, but Harper wants a grand? Um, no.

When Chris heard her list, he said that was his list too. Double no, Chris Graham.

It’s just reassuring to know that all the sharing and modeling and gratefulness we’re practicing is rubbing off. At night as I put the girls to bed, I pray with them, thanking God for all that we have and reiterating that we are in need of nothing as we snuggle into our beds with full bellies in heated rooms.

And my four year old wants a Jeep to drive on the road.

So cute.

Why am I telling you this? Because kids ruin everything. I try to be all content with what we have and buy less stuff every single year and then my darling daughters ask for cars and loads of cash like they haven’t been listening to anything we’ve been saying. Because I write about being real and honest with you and honestly, my kids are just as selfish as everyone else’s. And they’re just as selfish as me, really. So we’re all a work in progress. Especially those little brats.

Just kidding.

But I also know that I can’t stop pushing for gratefulness and contentment and less stuff. I know that one day, all my blabbering will sink in and they’ll (hopefully) get what we’re talking about and what we want to be about and willingly live it too. I guess that’s what we all wish for our kids, that they’re listening even though we feel like they aren’t. That they’re just filing away our actions and prayers and passions so that one day when they start deciding who they want to be, they’ll have a starting point that isn’t too messed up. A starting point that is better than us.

Maybe that starting point looks like a Jeep and a Ninja Turtle blanket, who even knows.

me time in the midst of a rushed season

I get it, we’re all busy. (We all remember this sassy post, right?)  While I would love to have a less full calendar and I love the idea that we stop glorifying busy, it also doesn’t mean things can slow down for some of us right now. (I’m six weeks into the school year at this point and still trying to get new routines and rhythms established right now–it is the most hectic time of year for me.)

Maybe you’ve got small kids at home that demand all of your time. Or work is stressful and you’ve got to have a job so there’s no way around it. Or maybe your extended family is in an upheaval right now and you’re being pulled a million different ways.

It seems there is always something that requires our attention, our time, and our limited resources.

So how do we find rest and rejuvenate in the midst of a chaotic season? How do we still take care of ourselves when we’re taking care of others and a never-ending to-do list?

me time

That’s a really good question. A really good question I don’t know how to answer completely because it’s different for everyone. So while all these ideas might not work for you, I pray that a couple of them can be incorporated into your life so that you can rest–even momentarily–and be re-energized enough to tackle your day (or just the next hour…). Because we all know that we can’t take care of others well if we’re not taking care of ourselves well first.

Sacred drive time
You know the only silence I get in my day? The fifteen minutes I drive from home to work and then from work to home. I refuse to talk on the phone during these times, I don’t try to multitask or catch up with friends. This is my time to prepare for the day, or to unwind from a stressful day of work so I don’t take it out on my family when I get home. Find your non-negotiable sacred quiet time and then guard it with your life. I look forward to those few minutes where no one needs anything from me and it helps me be more attentive when it’s time to serve others again.

Know when to say ‘no’
You can’t do it all. You know that and so does everyone else. So stop saying ‘yes’ to every offer or plea. Make your ‘yes’ mean more by being selective. And don’t apologize for your ‘no’. Let it be enough because you are enough.

Get up earlier
This one is hard. No one wants to give up twenty to thirty minutes of precious sleep when it feels like we never get enough anyway. But getting up just a few minutes earlier than normal to read your Bible, get your calendar or to-do list ready, or just sit in your quiet kitchen with some hot tea, giving yourself a few minutes before you face the day can set the tone in a positive way for everything else heading your way.

Find your guilty pleasure
It doesn’t actually have to be guilt-inducing either. Find a good book to read before bed, even if it’s just the five minutes you have before you doze off. Find a juicy TV series to wait anxiously for each week (Scandal, anyone??), find a podcast you can’t wait to finish, or even listen to an audiobook. Find something that you can love, obsess over in a healthy way (hello, Fitz on Scandal…), and share your love with friends or neighbors. Talking about a great book you just read, a show’s jaw-dropping season finale, or why your favorite character made a crazy decision is a great break from reality and sometimes a distraction.

Once a month dinner plans (or once a week phone dates)
Can you spare one evening a month to have dinner with a friend? I know I preach about this all the time, but seriously, get some friend time on the schedule and then stick to it. It doesn’t have to be costly; pack a picnic and go sit in the park with a friend. Or ask a few friends to have dinner at a set time every month, you won’t all be able to make it every month, but getting into the rhythm of meeting with friends will give you something to look forward to.

What are ways you make sure to include self-care in your day? Locking yourself in the bathroom is a totally acceptable answer. Do you fit in exercise that makes you feel alive? Make sure you step away from your desk for lunch every day so you have to stop working? What gets you a little rest in the midst of a bustling life or season?

This post originally appeared on FancyLittleThings.com.
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