Mary Graham

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#ifsheonlyknew

Recently I posted a picture on Instagram of a flower my daughter gave to me. She handed it to me asking me to keep it in my pocket all day while I was at school so I could remember her while I was gone.

#ifsheonlyknew

I smiled sweetly at her and stuck it in my pocket, completely in awe of a little girl that means so much to me and is so much a part of who I am that I couldn’t believe she had to ask me to remember her while I was gone. And I know that she’s five and it’s not that deep for her, but for me it is.

As a mom, it was big and deep and encompassing.

Because until the moment she has her own children, she won’t get it. She won’t understand the depth to which everything I do revolves around her (and her sister) in some way. She can’t understand that no matter what I’m thinking about, my children are there on the edge or front and center, taking up space, love, worry, and joy.

I am their mother and it’s not just because I birthed them. It’s not just because I have constantly bruised shins because they climb on me and run into me all the time. I am their mother because I decided to make their lives my life’s work. Not my only work, but my greatest work. So everything I do, whether I consciously think about it or not, is for or about them.

They’re in my bones, my being, and my blood. They’re in my laugh, my tears, and my dreams.

And, as of last week, they’re in my pocket too.

being strong, obviously.

Being a grown up isn’t all its cracked up to be, folks. I mean, it has its benefits: I don’t have a bedtime (even though it would be helpful to have someone make me go to bed, I’d probably get more sleep that way), I get to drive anywhere I want (although a chauffeur sounds reallllly relaxing), and my mom is no longer in charge of my haircuts (I don’t have anything I miss about that because I had bad haircuts as a child, but I wanted to keep up the pattern of parenthesis).  The older I get, the more I realize I shouldn’t have pushed so hard to grow up. I should have taken more time at being a kid, being irresponsible and carefree.

teal heelsteal heels yellow purseteal heels from targetteal heels black pants

(skinnies: Forever 21, blouse: Kohls, heels: Target, clutch: Kohls, bangles: Forever 21) (Photography by Kaitlyn Meeks Photography)

I know I wouldn’t have listened if someone had told me to slow down but it’s nice to pretend. I was a nasty little child that knew everything so I didn’t need advice from dumb adults. But if I could tell my daughters anything, it would be that they need to slow down. Stop trying to be so big because your mama can’t handle it very well. When you get too big for my lap, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Maybe I’ll make you hold me instead. I’m sure we will figure something out. Or we could get a hammock where we can squish together and talk about your day. Because hammocks squish people into each other whether you try to maintain personal space or not. And your mama wants to be squished up next to you forever.

Can you tell Ellie is starting kindergarten today?

I think I’m handling it pretty well, thanks for asking.

DISCLOSURE: AFFILIATE LINKS USED.

 

when it’s okay to be wrong.

These pictures are from the spring when I had only one color of hair and it was cooler outside. But I still find them important and relevant because of what they teach me.

I am not who I thought I was.

I don’t remember specifics, but I had this idea of who I’d be as an “official” grown up. I’m 31-soon-to-be-32 and I guess I’m an adult now. But when I was younger, say ten years ago, I had this vague idea of the kind of mom I would be. And the kind of kids I would have.

And then God laughed, Chris winked at me, and I was pregnant.

Yes, in that order.

I was never going to be the mom that painted her girls nails. Actually, I thought all my babies were boys until those fateful ultrasounds where there was no penis. And I was shocked each.and.every.time.

I was never going to be the mom who dressed her kids in matching or color-coordinated outfits. But now, it really gets me excited if all four of us can match. That’s just the bee’s knees.

I was never going to be the mom that said “bee’s knees” either but I guess I was wrong.

My daughters have completely destroyed who I thought I would be as a 31 year old. And I mean that in the best possible way.

Sometimes I like being wrong.

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