fears + what ifs

We would have to sell our house if we divorced. The house we bought from my grandma, the one my dad grew up in.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Our beloved camper, Betsy Ross, would have to go. No more traveling around the country with our girls and dog, no more seeing the fifty states before they graduate.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Is Chris capable of being honest? Can he stop lying? Is hard work too hard for him? Is our marriage redeemable?

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:3-4

I need to find a new job; my work-from-home job is great for my family, but won’t support myself without Chris’ income. No more getting the girls on the bus in the morning, no more welcoming them home, no more class parties, no more flexibility.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

I worry about moving my girls again. It was such a difficult decision to move them to a new area and a new school–will I have to do that again? I can’t do that to them.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1b

What if Chris gets sober and who he has become isn’t enough? What if who he has become doesn’t work for our marriage anymore? What if I don’t want to be married to him anymore?

Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished. 1 Chronicles 28:5

Money. Money. Money. Divorce. Retirement accounts. Properties.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Are my kids safe? Do they feel loved in the midst of this chaos? How do I comfort them when I can’t seem to comfort myself? Should they see me cry so much?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Does sleep come back? I’d love to sleep through the night. I’d love to wake up rested instead of immediately exhausted and sad.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6

I’d like the hurt to stop–just for a moment. A break, I need a break. Anger, confusion, heartache, loneliness, betrayal. Constant and relentless.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

What if Chris keeps drinking? What if he continues driving drunk? What if he dies? What if he gets arrested? What if he kills someone? What if?

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I’m too broken to fix. I’m too shattered to heal.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41: 13

What if we get back together and this happens again?

You who fear him, trust in the Lord–he is their help and shield. Psalm 115: 11

How did I get here?

Will I ever feel normal again?

How will these cracks heal?

What is to come?

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” … For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentations 3:23-24 & 31-33