Two weeks ago, we called the police on my husband.
All my worst fears were realized, and it was the only option. I’ve felt so powerless in this fight to try to save my marriage while demanding sobriety from my alcoholic husband, but I know some truths no matter what.
Truth #1: I will not allow Chris to be a part of our children’s lives or live in our house if he continues to drink.
Truth #2: I refuse to enable or sit idly by when I am aware my husband is drinking and driving.
So fourteen days ago, the police got involved.
The millions of tiny details and stories and moments leading up to this phone call are too numerous to share. I wouldn’t even know where to start. But I will tell you when I realized Chris was drinking again after about twelve days of sobriety, I pulled the half-frozen chicken nuggets from the oven, loaded my kids in my car, and went to find him.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if my marriage is going down, it’s going down in a blaze of glory—no more secrets, no more lying, no more bullshit. If Chris wants to drink, he’s allowed to drink. But he’s not dragging us along for the ride.
I didn’t know exactly what I was going to find when I got to him. I didn’t really even think it through that much. I just wanted him to know I knew he was drunk, and I wanted him to look me in the eyes when I said this was him choosing alcohol over his family for the final time.
It’s no secret a drunk person isn’t reasonable or logical, but rage took those functions away from me as well.
Bits and pieces of the next hour and a half look like this: Burger King parking lot. I’ve taken his keys. He refuses to let me take him anywhere. Our kids in my car watching a movie, unable to see us. Chris on a curb too drunk to stand. The last remnants of a bottle of rum pulled from behind the driver’s seat. I smash it in the parking lot because nothing makes sense. Our friend Adam, who Chris is living with, arrives to help reason with Chris. No luck. Chris is waiting out his drunk and thinks he’ll be allowed to drive when he’s under the legal limit. No, absolutely not, I refuse to give him his keys regardless.
He will leave this parking lot and drink again.
I offer rehab. Go now, we’ll take you tonight. Forget work. Forget money. I’ll figure it all out just like I always do. Go get some help.
No, he says. No.
Adam and I talk. We’re stuck in the Burger King parking lot with a drunk who will, when allowed to drive, immediately go drink more. He is no longer allowed at Adam’s—the only rule of staying there being he had to be sober and he’s broken that one rule. My friend Krissy arrives, taking my girls home. Adam calls a police friend for advice. Our hands are tied. Adam calls the police, they arrive within minutes.
Breathalyzers.
Drunk driving charges.
Witnesses to him driving drunk.
Arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence.
Chris is finally listening. Under his breath, he whispers to Adam this isn’t necessary.
He doesn’t even understand the gravity of what is happening.
The police officers try to explain what exactly is happening—that Chris will be arrested if he doesn’t go to rehab with us right now. There are enough witnesses to his drunk driving that they are able to arrest him even though they didn’t see him. Everyone else did.
He agrees to rehab. Not because he thinks he needs it. Not because he thinks it will work. Not because he wants to go and get healthy. Only to avoid arrest.
As I’m rolling up the windows to his truck, I find beer bottles and a huge jug of vodka. Chris wasn’t planning on being sober for a very long time.
It takes us over an hour to find a place that has an open bed, will assess him, will accept him while he’s still drunk, will be able to monitor him in case he tries to hurt himself.
Adam and I drive Chris the hour to Bloomington, to a detox facility. It’s not the long-term solution we need, but it’s the only option right now. I don’t even know if they’ll accept our insurance. I don’t even know if our insurance will approve this. None of it matters. He has to be somewhere safe, and I don’t know where else to take him.
Chris spends six days in a detox center. When I take him clothes and toiletries, I have to cut the drawstring out of the shorts he sleeps in and take the shoelaces out of his shoes. As I pack his bag, a trash bag, to be specific, I wonder how we got here. All I keep thinking is how did we get here? How did we get here? How did we get here?
The answers are heavy and long and pre-date our marriage, our first date, our first interaction.
The rage I feel for the people who should have kept Chris safe and should have made him feel loved as a child makes me go blind. I am forced to do hard things because other people didn’t. My children are living in chaos because Chris was allowed to live in chaos and no one paid attention. The irony–the fucking circle of life–that got us to the point where I’m removing my husband’s shoelaces from his shoes so I can take them to him in a locked-down detox ward in a hospital fills me with hatred.
I will not be quiet about addiction. I will not be quiet about childhood trauma that fucks everything up. I will not be silent when adults who are trusted with children aren’t healthy enough to care for them. I will not stop talking about enablers who would rather stay with addicts than make healthy choices for their children.
If my life is burning down, I’m grabbing all the people who helped light the match so they can’t keep causing more fires.
Burn
Burn
Burn
But now we’re adults. This is our show, Chris and I. He has to take responsibility whether he has been set up for failure from the beginning or not. I demand responsibility for our actions because we promised respect and love and honesty in our vows. For each other and for ourselves.
Last week, Chris checked into a long-term drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. He entered six days sober, fully detoxed, and aware the help he needs is only found through an intensive, in-patient program.
The work ahead is long.
The damage—sometimes–feels too much to fix.
This is his last chance as my husband.
If this doesn’t kick start a long-lasting recovery process, I’m getting off this train. If this doesn’t begin a life of honesty and right choices even when it hurts, we are done. I will not allow my children to bear witness to this cycle. I will not allow myself to slip farther and farther down a slope I may never return from.
The physical pain I feel just typing the previous paragraph threatens to knock me flat. I do not want to get divorced. I do not want to raise my children without their father. I do not want to divide our assets, our properties, our savings accounts. But I also do not want to be married to an alcoholic who isn’t choosing a life of sobriety.
And that trumps all the other things I don’t want.
Healthy or nothing at all.
And so we wait.
Love. Prayers. And virtual hugs. Because there really are no words. But thank you for being honest. Thank you for being vulnerable and talking about things many others won’t.
You all are in my prayers! You are a strong woman and an amazing mother!!
You inspire me, writing in this very hard place.
As a mother currently in the middle of deciding what’s best for her daughter, I just want to say, you’re doing good, mama. A long road indeed, but a road youre paving for your girls. Prayers for you and your angels.
Prayers!!!!
I’ve been a bit of a lurker. I read, but never comment, but this…my heart is breaking for you. You’re such a strong person to have to deal with this, and I commend you for trying your hardest to save your marriage. I’m also proud of you for making these difficult choices and ultimately recognizing why the issues are there and trying to break the cycle for your children. It sucks so much, and I’m sorry. Sending all the healing and positive energy I’ve got to you guys!
Praying for the best possible outcome for all. Sending love, and peace however you can find it. Thank you so much for sharing the best and worst parts of your life with us.
I’m so sorry you and the girls have to go through this. Prayers for you and your family.
Be brave, Mary. I recognize some similarities to your situation in my past. If you ever need to talk about the realities of divorce, let me know. I am rooting hatd for you.
A dear friend gave me Cheryl Strayed’s “Brave Enough” last winter, and I read through it at least 20 times since then. Every time I find something that I need to hear, right when I need it. I needed this passage at one time, and I’m hoping it might give you some peace right now:
“Ultimatums have negative connotations for many because they’re often used by bullies and abusers, who tend to be comfortable pushing people’s backs against a wall, demanding that others choose this or that, all or nothing. But when used right, ultimatums offer a respectful and loving way through an impasse that would sooner or later have destroyed a relationship on its own anyway. They require us to ask for something we need from someone else, yes, but they demand the most from us. They require us to acknowledge that the worse-case scenario – the end of a cherished relationship – is better than the alternative – a lifetime of living with sorrow and humiliation and rage. They demand that we ask of ourselves: What do I want? What do I deserve? What will I sacrifice to get it? And then they require that we do it. In fear and in pain and in faith, to swim there.”
I’m praying for you, Chris, and the girls every day as you swim through these impossible waters.
Thank you for writing about this. I know, from personal experience, how hard this is. I am going through this myself right now, my husband is an alcoholic and drug addict and I feel like I am living a nightmare. We have 3 beautiful boys. Your posts keeps me sane, I feel so alone but when I read what you are going through I don’t feel so crazy. I am so sorry you are going through all this. But you are so strong and such an inspiration. Thank you for everything. Many hugs and prayers coming to you and your girls ❤
I’m so sorry. What a horrible situation to be in. My prayers are with you and your family.
Sweet Mary,l hurt for all of you! As you know I grew up in an Alcoholic, crazy home . Unfortunately both parents were the drunks and my step father was violent. It seemed we had to grow up fast and not only care for ourselves but our mother. My mother also was mean and caused a lot of anguish. I wanted to flee to my grandparents but wasn’t allowed too. Thankfully my brother was able too. I knew I would leave home as soon as I could. Well I married Mike as you know at 18 and I vowed I would never tolerate alcohol in my home ! And my children grew up knowing this. Each child makes a choice when they become adults! Go the way of the horrible life they lived OR go the other and leave that ugliness behind and start anew. I am sorry Chris chose the first and has caused such pain to You his wife and his precious children. My heart just hurts for you and the scene at Burger King … well I felt I was right there with you because of past experiences in my life. You are an amazingly strong woman and I am so, so proud of you! You are in the trenches fighting for your husband, fighting for your girls and fighting for your marriage! I can only say your strength comes from our Lord and Savior and you battle the evil of this world. I want to reach right in here and hug you tightly and just let you know I care, understand and love you. You are salt and light to others sharing your story, Mary. Sharing it as it happens! The writer in you is purging the heartache and pain on this blog for others to know and understand what is happening to your family! I will never not care about you or your children… and Chris! May God continue to guide you through this dark storm! I pray Chris will turn himself around and let go of the past pain in his life and concentrate on the blessings he has now! You did exactly what needed to be done with Chris and if someone doesn’t understand or thinks differently they just do not understand! I love you sweetheart! I’m praying for all of you!
All my love and support in however the end plays out. My husband has been sober for 6 years but the brokenness of his childhood tears his ugly head over and over, and my rage towards his parents continues…
From
One of your tribe
Weeping with you. Praying for you and your children, Mary, and for Chris, too!
Jeni xo
I am a new reader to your blog and I am so glad a friend recommended it. I grew up with an alcoholic father and made a promise to myself that what I grew up thinking was normal would not be the norm for my kiddos. I wound up marrying an alcoholic myself, who had six years sobriety as of 8/21. On that day he relapsed after we had a tough discussion the day before. Since that day he has quit his job and attempted suicide, he even wrote goodbye letters to both our children. He was on life support for nine days. I have left and we are getting divorced. We were married for 10 years in April and I can’t help continuing to ask myself, how did we get here?
I have the same animosity towards my in-laws as you are feeling. This is such an emotional roller coaster and there are many days I don’t know how I manage it all and keep it together.
One day at a time, that’s about all I can handle. Hugs and prayers for your family and thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know we are not alone and that there are people out there we’ve never met praying for us. You got this, mama.
So hard and so much pain, you are a very courageous person. Thank you for sharing , being vulnerable with your readers and trusting us with your life……this will be healing for you and for others, even if you don’t see if now. Praying for you and your family .
Tammy
xoxo
Mary, you are a remarkable person. You have always been a remarkable person. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I commit to praying for you, Chris, and the girls, but if there is anything at all that I can do to make life easier for you please don’t hesitate to let me know.
Let it out, girl, let it out. I understand that rage. And I’m proud of you for letting yourself feel it, for expressing it, and for calling the whole pitiful pile of shit what it is. I don’t know if you read all these comments…but if you do..please take this one thing from all of them. We love you.
Please, please, please look into Vivitrol! I work in addiction, this could help him! I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I’m in the beginning of a divorce and it’s not a fun place to be, but like you, have limits.
Oh,Mary. My heart completely breaks while reading this. Alcohol has caused messiness and dysfunction in so many of our lives but society would rather us suffer in silence. Thank you for hurting out loud and making tough moves to end patterns your children didn’t choose to be a part of. So much love and light to you. I hope for Chris as well.
Nothing I can say will make your situation change. But I can offer prayer. That I know works. I have been praying you and your girls, and I will continue to do so. I will continue to pray for Chris too. Thank you for your honesty through all of this.
Mary – I am so sorry the family is going through such tragedies. I think of you all often and pray that the future is bright and on track with the help of our dear savior. Please let me know if Charlie and I can do anything. If you need anything, we’ll be there. God bless you and the family. Many prayers being sent your way.
I have been right where you are right now. I know the pain and anger. I also know the love of a savior that was my strength when I had none. Find an al anon for yourself. That was also a lifesaver for me.