Mary Graham

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i cut off my hair…and my security blanket

I didn’t realize I had a security blanket.

Until I cut all my hair off and all these weird thoughts and feelings from when I was younger came rushing back.

All my life I’ve wondered if I was girly enough. If I was girl enough. Growing up, I was the picture of a tomboy. I spent my days getting muddy in the creek by our house, playing in forts with the neighbor boys, and running around the yard playing cops and robbers. I was naturally good at sports, strong without trying, and bigger than all the other girls.

In high school I cut all my hair off (it was the late 90s and everyone was doing it…) and that, coupled with my desire to wear nothing but pajamas, made meeting boys weird since I was giving off a major lesbian vibe. More than once, I was hit on by women who thought I liked girls instead of boys. Adding that to my natural inclination to like “boy things,” totally confused me. I knew I liked boys and wanted them to like me, but I didn’t get how to make that happen.

I thought something was wrong with me.

(If this post is making you nervous and you’re hesitantly reading waiting for me to I confess I was a lesbian for a while, you can stop holding your breath. That isn’t part of my story. But it kind of felt like that was where I was going and I wanted to nix the confusion as soon as I could. Okay, continue reading, please and thank you.)

I’ve never fit this idea of what I thought a girl should look like.

i cut off my hair and my security blanket

And then I cut my hair really short last week and all those ideas I used to have about if I was really feminine enough came back with a vengeance. And now I’m noticing that I’m overcompensating for my short hair with dressier clothes and more eye makeup. Just in case someone might think I’m a boy.

With boobs and hips and curves. And two little girls tagging behind me calling me Mama.

But still a boy. And I know how silly that is now, how dumb and self-conscious it makes me sound to say I hope people realize I’m a girl, but it’s also real and still a little painful that I feel these things.

And because God has a sense of humor, He gave me those two little girls. Girly girls. Who love Disney princesses, having their nails painted red, and performing musicals in our living room while flipping their hair around. And somehow I’m surviving and they’re making me less hard and more comfortable with myself.

As I see them grow and develop their own interests and loves, I see that the things I loved when I was younger were natural and God-given and normal. He made me in His image and even with short hair now, it doesn’t make me less girly or not feminine enough. There isn’t a mold we should fit in and that’s part of what makes us so great. But even as I whisper that truth to myself, I have a hard time believing it wholeheartedly.

But what’s made this suddenly real and important is earlier this week I put my three year old in her bathing suit and then some longer cargo shorts (that she absolutely loves because they’re her favorite color) and she went to look at herself in the mirror like she always does after I get her dressed. Her little mouth was frowning and in all seriousness, she said to me, “I look like a boy.” Immediately I wanted to pull her ponytail out so her long blonde hair could fall over her shoulders and go change her shorts because I knew that feeling and I didn’t want her to feel like that ever.

Instead I turned her around and looked in her giant hazel eyes and told her with such fierce love that I was trembling that she doesn’t look like a boy, that God made her exactly like she is because He knew how perfect it was, and that she is beautiful no matter what clothes she’s wearing or how her hair looks.

And like kids do, she said “Okay, Mama,” and turned around like I had just told her something simple and easy.

As she left my room,ย  I said those words as affirmation, not for Harper, but for my own benefit. I’m confident she’ll grow up knowing that truth with or without long hair.

I’m working on knowing it too.

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Comments

  1. katie haggan says

    June 19, 2014 at

    I feel the same way now, I felt the same horrible way in high school. People could just say something small and offhand, that they probably never gave a second thought–but to some extent on a bad day it can still impact me 15 years later. Also I think my head looks abnormally sized when I cut my hair off. Either giant or tiny depending on my daily level of psychosis. So there’s that…

    Reply
    • mary says

      June 20, 2014 at

      Bad news: we’re all the same. Good news: we’re all the same.

      So let’s just make our kids better, huh? ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  2. April Thompson says

    June 19, 2014 at

    I struggle with this too. I am a mom to a girly-girl who loves to put on dresses and jewels and bows and always asks “do I look pretty mommy.” Every time I hear that question I feel a pain in my gut. I imagine her asking this same question of her husband in 30 years. I pray that she will not be that girl and I consciously try to tell her every day that she is not only pretty but also smart, funny, and so sweet. I want so badly for her to be a girl who appreciates her personality more than her looks….here’s hoping that mommy and daddy can help her with that. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
    • mary says

      June 20, 2014 at

      Amen, sister. I want my daughters to feel so beautiful on the inside that they don’t focus so much on the outsides. I think we can do it.

      Reply
  3. Lena B, Actually says

    June 19, 2014 at

    I struggle occasionally too… but I honestly feel so much more “me” with short hair. My daughter tells me I’m pretty all the time and she compliments my hair constantly. I’m proud that at 6 she knows that beauty isn’t something you find in a magazine… that being different and unique and true to yourself is what matters… I just hope she remembers that when she’s older too. โ™ก
    Love the hair, by the way. Gorgeous!!

    Reply
    • mary says

      June 20, 2014 at

      Thanks, Lena. It’s growing on me and I really do love it, I just wasn’t expecting the flood of insecurities that came with it. And that Ruby girl is one smart cookie. I think she’ll grow up with such confidence…you’re doing something right. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  4. Mama Carmody says

    June 23, 2014 at

    I love your hair and I think it is quite feminine. I have always been very proud of the way my parent’s raised me. I was a tomboy too, in the sense that I loved running with the boys. I played tackle football and basketball. I loved to fish and play in the creek….BUT…I was equally comfortable in my frilly dresses and I loved Disney (and still do). I was never in to make up and doing my nails but I did like to dress up. Letting your girls (and yourself) enjoy life, with no labels (boy-stuff, girl-stuff) is the best way to live. God bless you and your beautiful family!

    Reply
    • mary says

      June 24, 2014 at

      Thank you! And you are so right: no labels, just enjoy life. Thanks for the reminder, it’s a powerful lesson.

      Reply

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