I’m tired of talking about the Enneagram.

I’m tired of talking about the Enneagram.

In 2017, I read The Road Back to You and suddenly I had language to communicate with my husband and understanding to see why so often we missed each other even though we were living in the same house.

The Enneagram began a lot of healing and growing for me and my marriage.

Full disclosure: Chris did not and still does not care about the Enneagram at all. We didn’t suddenly get on the same page and everything was fine. I learned, I changed, I questioned, I listened, I used the Enneagram to fill some holes. Chris Graham decided it was not for him.

That’s what is so great about the Enneagram: no one else has to know anything about it, it’s for you and only you. You can grow and heal and be better toward people without them being involved at all.

The Enneagram has been around for hundreds of years. Originally when people started learning and studying it, they worked hard to keep it out of the general public’s hands, because they knew it would turn into a parlor game, just another fun social quiz taken at surface level.

Now here we are in 2019 living in the reality so many Enneagram teachers feared. We share Enneagram quizzes on Facebook and talk about our numbers with only some basic knowledge. We use our numbers to excuse behavior and explain why we’re just not good at some things. We’ve decided the Enneagram number summary is who we are, who we will always be, and we get to live proudly out of that summary because the Enneagram says so.

And that, friends, is why I hate talking to people about the Enneagram.

We took this powerful tool, condensed the knowledge to a tweet-length blip, and decided we just get to sit in that summary for the rest of our lives.

It’s who God made us to be!

There’s nothing wrong with me!

I can’t learn or grow or change, because the Enneagram says this is who I am!

Why did you do that hurtful thing to someone you love? Because I’m a One.

Why didn’t you follow through with your commitment? Because I’m a Seven.

Why didn’t you stand up for yourself when someone was taking advantage of you? Because I’m a Nine.

We are living out all the worst fears of the original Enneagram scholars and it makes me so embarrassed and grouchy.

In education, we teach kids how powerful their mindset is to their learning. Learners (of all ages) come to learning one of two ways: with a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. A fixed mindset means you believe your talents and intelligence are fixed traits.

I’m bad at math.

I can’t be patient.

I’ve never been good at relationships.

Talent is something you’re born with and you cannot learn new skills or knowledge, success is a trait you have or a trait you do not have and effort is not required.

Students who come into our classrooms with this mindset (something they often learn from their home and parents) struggle more in school, often say they can’t learn something when a challenge arises, and take on a victim mentality when they interact with the world.

The opposite of this is the growth mindset. A growth mindset, according to Stanford University researcher Carol Dweck who coined the terms, is when a learner accepts that knowledge and intelligence is not fixed, that we can always learn new things, and to grow in our skill set we just need time and experience. People (kids and adults) who believe they can get smarter or better at things, invest the time and energy into doing them.

I don’t have the attention span to read a book so I’m going to try to read 20 minutes a day to change that.

I’ve never been a good cook, but I’m going to make dinner from scratch once a week to start learning new recipes and how to not burn things.

I’m not a good friend, but I want to be so I’m going to be intentional about checking in with people I love.

This carries over to the Enneagram well. The point of the Enneagram is to give you a glimpse into your strengths and weaknesses so you can be more aware of them. Learning about your number should be uncomfortable because it points out your tender spots, but then it gives you the guidance to make them assets instead of wounds. It helps you show up better in the world, it allows you to become a healthier version of yourself so you can love people better, and it lets you address the parts in your heart that are hurting you instead of helping you.

But what many of us have done is we came at the Enneagram with a fixed mindset, learned new language to describe why we are what we are, and then just used it as a weapon or an excuse to keep being the exact same person.

And that, friends, is why I hate talking to people about the Enneagram.

We found the Enneagram to be a fun personality quiz, and we put it in our back pocket to pull out when we needed to justify shitty behavior, victim mentality, and refusals to grow or change.

We also decided that God wasn’t in control.

Instead we decided that the Enneagram was.

In the Bible we read that Jesus healed the blind, made the lame walk, and raised people from the dead, but the Enneagram says we can’t change and many people have come to believe that more than Jesus.

Somewhere along the line, we’ve started worshiping and believing fully in a creation of God instead of the Creator.

Somewhere along the line, we accepted what an online quiz or a few books told us we were instead of what the Good Book says we are.

 And that, friends, is why I hate talking to people about the Enneagram.

Our cult following of the Enneagram has stripped God of His healing, His transforming power, His redeeming, and His mercy. God can’t change minds, soften hearts, or heal pain because of our Enneagram number profiles. Because if the Enneagram says we can’t change, what can God do about that?

Here’s an important detail though: the Enneagram doesn’t say we can’t change. The Enneagram is all about growth and change and reflecting more of God’s characteristics and less of ours. The Enneagram, if we study it and use it the way it was intended, will draw us closer to God, His heart, His mission, and His people.

But that sounds like too much work and too much energy and too much dying to self, so the majority of us will stay stuck in our fixed mindset knowledge of the Enneagram:

This is who I am.

This is why I do what I do.

This is why I’m a victim of my life.

This is why I can’t learn new things.

This is why I am stuck.

This is why everyone is always out to get me.

This is why I’m not good at this or that.

This is why jealousy rules my life.

This is why I’m constantly unsatisfied.

This is why what I have will never be good enough.

The Enneagram will always have a sweet spot in my heart. God used it to begin some really powerful shifts in my marriage and in my relationships at just the right time. He used it to point out some sin and strongholds that were trapping me and making me miserable. He gave me some really wise friends who helped me learn and grow with the Enneagram.

But I’m done talking about the Enneagram with people who only use it as a weapon against themselves and against me.

Start a conversation about why you can’t do something because your Enneagram number says you can’t? We’re done here.

Tell me something about myself you know because you know my Enneagram number but not one single thing God is currently doing in my life? We’re done here.

Excuse bad behavior or sin with a reminder about your Enneagram number? We’re done here.

Pretend to know why I’m doing something solely based on my Enneagram number without a conversation with me? We’re done here.

Enneagram teacher Ian Morgan Cron said once that we should learn about the Enneagram and our number and then stop talking about it. True growth and healing is done inside ourselves with God, not in making sure everyone knows our number and we know everyone else’s. We don’t need to know anyone else’s Enneagram number to be better to them. We don’t need to know anyone else’s number to make sure we’re showing them our healthiest and safest self.

If we’re growth mindset-ing the Enneagram, we’ll be talking about how God is using the knowledge to make us better in relationship; we’ll be talking about how He’s healing our wounds and scars to use it for His glory. We’ll be talking about how He’s teaching us new ways to see the world, His people, and His creation. If we’re coming at the Enneagram with a growth mindset and Jesus, we see ourselves as constant works-in-progress, children of a King who can make us into anything He wants, and people who are better when we ask for help.

And if you’re not ready to talk about how God is using knowledge of the Enneagram to make you more like Him, I’m out.