I’ve been uncomfortable lately.
I’m reading my Bible and it’s changing me and stretching me in ways I didn’t see coming or necessarily want. I realize that sounds like such a bratty thing to say, but I’ve accepted my brattiness and you should too.
Here’s what I mean: I can’t stay mad anymore. I can’t hold grudges, can’t keep my heart hard, can’t be mean like I want to be. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but if you’ve been here any length of time you know I’m very ridiculous so let’s move on with our story.
I’ve been really good at being mad for years. It was pretty much my specialty. I could hold classes on not forgiving. I could mentor the younger generations on how to ignore, hurt, and cut off those around them that have hurt them. I was a master at being mad.
For the most part, I felt righteous in my anger and hurt–it was never my fault, obviously–so my mad-ness (or madness, really) ran unchecked and uncontrolled.
Until I started getting into God’s Word with the intent on having a relationship with him. I don’t want to imply that I haven’t ever read my Bible until this year, but I was reading my Bible for different reasons. In January I finally surrendered and said to Jesus that I just wanted to know him. I didn’t have any expectations, any demands, or any preconceived notions. I just had this longing that nothing else was filling and I could sense an almost-physical pull to be in the Word.
Before this time, I was reading out of duty, guilt, or competition. I’d hear someone else was reading their Bible like a good Jesus follower should and I needed to make sure I wasn’t left out. I’d go to church and feel moved by the sermon and then promise that this week I would actually spend time with my Bible…then I’d lose the emotional high behind the Sunday promise and never make it happen. Jesus was in my head, but he wasn’t in my heart.
But dang it, now he’s in my heart and I’m softening in ways I wasn’t prepared for. It is literally becoming impossible for me to stay the same. I’m changing and stretching and morphing before my very own eyes and it feels foreign and weird and exciting. He has made it so uncomfortable for me to stay how I was that there is nothing left for me to do but alter my attitude.
*Insert eye roll and favorite curse word here*
My babies-who-are-no-longer-babies get so annoyed with me when I try to cradle them in my arms like I did when they were newborns. Especially in the mornings when their warm little bodies first crawl out of bed and find their way to me, I pick them up and snuggle them tightly and try to rock them. This works for about ten seconds before they wake up enough to think “what the hell is this crazy lady doing?” and they realize that I’ve just put them in the most uncomfortable position known to anyone who now wears big girl underpants and can count to one hundred, thank you very much. But I try to force it anyway which makes it sorta turn into a wrestling match and, in turn, totally ruins the quiet moment and they flee from me.
Being an annoying mom is hard work.
I’m doing the same thing with my relationship with Jesus. He’s showing me new and better ways to handle people, hearts, and situations, but I’m still trying to go back to my old approach. Not because it was better, but because it was comfortable once and I think it should still be. Except it’s not working anymore because he’s softened my heart in ways I can’t explain. I just can’t get mad and hold a grudge like I used to. It takes conscious effort to go back to my grudge-holding ways. And this sounds dumb, but I still try to do it every once in a while. I’m learning a better way to do things but I still like to sneak back over to the dark side every once in a while to test out the past. When I get there though, it’s a lot more awkward and heavy than I remember. It doesn’t fit well anymore.
So I guess what I’m trying to do is give you a warning. The Bible, this living Word from our Creator, this Book of Life, messes you up. It breaks down walls, it softens hearts, and it leaves you breathless. I understand why some people don’t read the Bible, it’s just too dangerous. It’s hard and scary to change; it is giving up control of what wasn’t that great to begin with and letting the One who loves us more than we can imagine give us a better story. It’s uncomfortable. It’s inconvenient. And it’s wonderful.
Reading the Bible is dangerous. And I’m all about being dangerous.
*Puts candy cigarette in my mouth and slowly pedals away on my mountain bike WITHOUT A HELMET*
(Side note: My children really don’t cuss, but I like to imagine their inner dialogue with cursing because it makes me laugh. I do this with my dog too. Please do not send me an email or comment about how it is inappropriate for children to cuss. It is a joke. Also, I always wear my helmet. Even at the gym on the stationary bike because I believe in safety at all times. Thank you for your concern.)
LOL LOVED this post! I’ve had a conversation similar to this with quite a few of my friends. hilarious and true, well put lady 🙂
Thanks, Lizelle! Sounds like you have some smart friends. 😉
The “ps” at the end was hilarious. Including the”riding of without a helmet lol, living on the edge! And yes reading the Bible is dangerous. To your dark side. I can attest to the more you let God take control the less your old ways seem best. I still get angry but it just doesn’t last as long. It’s amazing what God does for his children. The senese of peace and belonging he alows us to have, even when things get bad he still waits whilewe cry and rage and stray. He waits so ue can help us on our way to him. Our God is great!
Love your sentence that says “he still waits while we cry and rage and stray.” That is so true! Thanks for reading and commenting, Janetta.
Never a full moment with you, you REBEL! LOVED this post and if my heart were where yours is now, I’d probably agree with you…wholeheartedly. Curious, aside from it just happening, can you pin anything specific on what made you finally want to make a change and dive in?
Always appreciated! Glad to call you my friend.
Thanks, Kenny. I think it was a mix of being tired of always saying I was going to do it and never actually doing it and really wanting to see what would happen if I submitted my will. Part of it was a “let’s see if you really move me, God” and part of it was just wanting to understand more of this world that seems so messed up at times. Throw in a little bit of needing to be better for my kids too. I didn’t want them growing up and seeing the way Mommy was a Jesus follower and thinking that was the right way to do it, because I wasn’t doing much but lip service at that point.
Hopefully that makes sense. And I know this part is hard to hear, but part of it is just being disciplined. Even though I’ve been doing this for 8+ months, there are still moments where I try to talk myself out of it or don’t want to do it. But I just put my big girl pants on and do it anyway. You have to make it priority above a lot of other things.
I’d have to second Ken’s question – what made you change and want to dive in? I think I’m still teetering on the edge of reading the Bible out of obligation and Sunday church “highs” instead of with the intent you talked about. I want to tip over the edge and get into the ‘dangerous’ part of the Bible, but I’m still struggling there.
Thank you for always being so honest in your writing – I don’t know you, but certainly feel like I do! Which makes me feel a liiittle creepy because I read these intimate parts of your life and you don’t know me from Adam! The joys of blogging, I guess! 🙂
My favorite part of reading is getting to know someone so well and feeling like you know them–not creepy at all! 🙂
I answered Kenny above if you’d like to check it out. I think in the beginning I was still struggling with the obligation versus relationship pull and it took some time for me to jump to the other side. But I think if you show up, God will do his part and he’ll go from your head to your heart in no time.
I wish my heart was like yours. I have a hard time reading my Bible every day but recently started making an effort again. And this feels weird to say since I was raised in a Christian home and have heard the Gospel and tried to live it all my life…but sometimes I guess I just don’t really believe? Like two days in a row the passage totally spoke to the struggle I’m in and I think..seriously,God? Are you really actually caring about me? Can I really claim this as a promise from You? I’m kinda messed up right now I guess.
I think you’re perfectly fine where you’re at, truthfully. I grew up in a Christian home too and for me, there had to be this time of rebelling hardcore before I could come back and figure out what my faith was. Not my parents’ faith, not the faith of the church I was attending, but my faith. And that took a while. Growing up in a Christian home is a great childhood, but there has to be this switch at some point where you go from what you’ve been told and what you actually believe in your heart. So it sounds like that’s what you’re doing right now and even though it feels messy and jumbled, I’d say keep going. I think doubt is a real part of faith too–I would be lying if I didn’t occasionally think “what if this isn’t right?” but I keep going, keep reading, keep praying, and he’s proved himself over and over in my life so that the doubts comes less often now.
And yes, he does actually care about you and you can really claim His promises for yourself. Even if it feels scary and dangerous. Do it, and then just keep going through the mess.
Hi Mary,
I really enjoyed this post. It reaffirmed how truly awesome Jesus is and the maddeningly frustrating paradox of not being able to truly find oneself until we surrender to Him.
I also admire your bravery in writing so openly about your Faith in our secular world and showing that you can be God-filled and cool at the same time!
The aesthetic of your website is terrific too!
Susan 🙂